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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Dominating 'vanilla' men - why, how, and what happened? (8/21/2008 1:34:12 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Have you ever been in a situation where you dominated a non kinky man? How did it go? Why were you in that situation?
What are the advantages and disadvantages?
If you found the bdsm community later in life, and previously you were sexually dominating your partners, at what point would you let them know what you were into?
Akasha
I was married to one of these for 13 years. I ran his life because that was the only way that anything got done around our house. As far as the bedroom, if I wanted anything creative, I had to initiate it, because he was strictly a 'mashed potatoes" kinda guy all around. I married him because I was -really- young and I didn't know any better, and in the small (tiny) town I grew up in, the idea that a woman wouldn't get married and be a 'good wife' just wasn't heard of... my parents and his parents arranged for us to get married once we'd dated for a few months... though he and I had already discussed that I was a freak, and his chances of getting a "good and obedient wife" were... ummmm... zip, zero, zilch.
The up-side of dominating a vanilla man is that there aren't a lot of people from the "community" trying to tell you that what you're doing is all messed up and not the "right" way to dominate. The down side is when he has friends and family who keep pushing him to "man up", so he has to get all belligerent for a few weeks, until he realizes that he really hates being in charge and starts passive-agressively leaving the management to you again.
I left because the "roller-coaster" was driving me batty. He'd leave us in situations where I had no choice but to take charge, then he'd whine to his mother, who would whine to -my- mother, who would call me and extol the benefits of having a "Man in charge of the house" -- which got on my VERY last nerve, considering that my mother was far from a shrinking violet and ran our household with an iron fist, and spent 40 years convincing my dad that he was in charge when she was really running everything. The only difference was that me and my ex were open with each other about me running things and him being a good little puppy.
When I left my ex, he said that he thought it would be good to run his own life for a while.... so what did he do? The first month we were separated, he spent 4-5 hours a day on the phone with me, asking me what to do about this, what to do about that, what to cook for dinner. He called me at work, at home, at friends' homes... Then, about a month after we separated, he moved an old friend from college down from upstate NY to NC to live with him. He re-married his college friend 2 years later, because she wouldn't have sex with him until they were married (46 year old virgin)... a woman who refuses to work, spends all his money, never does a lick of housework, and completely controls his life, and who completely alienated the ums that I gave birth to and left with him (shared custody) so they wouldn't have to leave their school, friends, etc. *sheesh*
These days, I don't get involved with anyone who doesn't know who and what I am -- even with my ex, I told him up front what I was (kinky, dominant, polyfideletous, bisexual) even though I didn't necessarily know the "right" words for it. No surprises.
CFB
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