dumped, & emotionally stumped (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

ravenslaveheart -> dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 12:31:57 PM)

hi, i need help processing through something that's happened to me. i'm one of those people that takes time to process things, i listen to a lot of opinions and see what resonates with me. my instinct is to blame myself when something goes wrong with a Dominant but i'm trying to work through that. i know this is a "he said/she said/the truth" situation but i'll try to be complete as i can, and feel free to ask me questions. (i'm a long-time reader and sometimes poster on CM, just a new name.)

my Dom left me last week, and says he has very little hope of coming back, and if he did there would be tons of rules and boundaries and so on. i am disabled and have a young wee-one, and this Dom was in my life for 2.5 years and made quite a lot of promises along the lines of "forever" or "the rest of my life" and definitely committed himself to being a father-figure to the wee-one as well as a helper, and caregiver if need be, to me. i was straight up front with him about all my limitations, and kept him up-to-date on changes, even taking him into doctor's appointments with me. there were times i felt he could make more use of me, and i petitioned him for it, but he always seemed to blame my limitations rather than work around them. (truth is, with a good dose of endorphins from a scene, and proper aftercare, i can play more and more!) he never did quite "get" the concept of aftercare, more than something to drink and a blankie if needed ... a lot of the time, even getting me something to drink was "asking too much." then again, other times he'd treat me really nice the whole next day. *confusion*

i've discovered that i let myself get quite isolated from our local D/s group - he gave me one address, it was the calendar and not the real chat group, and they are invite-only so i only found them after posting to the calendar group for help).

now, the worst part of this break-up, the part i really need help with, is: he told me that he hadn't been dominating me, or feeling dominant, for a "long, long time" .... but then he won't tell me for how long this was going on! apparently i was supposed to see the signs of this all along. i've searched my mind and my journals for clues, and can't find anything. in fact, i had submitted to him less than a week before he broke it off, and he told me all of the various "love yous" and "forevers" at the time.

a good thing he is doing is keeping his promise to my wee-one and taking her out to do her stuff.

a bad thing is that i've asked him for a formal un-collaring, and he won't do it. he doesn't seem to understand my need to have that closure, since the collar was already off my neck - it was only off for *cleaning* and *repair*. i had no idea it was the last time i'd ever wear it!

i feel numbly shocked, or truly awful, painful heartbreak, and no in-between. i am totally stuck trying to figure out what went wrong, what did i do wrong, why didn't i see the signs of his loss of dominance, and who in the heck was i submitting to if he wasn't dominating?? also how can i find closure without any kind of un-collaring ritual or ceremony, no matter how small? he collared me with great, formal and deeply spiritual ceremony. he also knows that in my last M/s relationship, i was uncollared in anger and how deeply triggering it was for me, and promised to never do anything remotely like that, without closure, with me.

thanks all for listening to me type your ears off! i know i need to see my situation from an outside perspective, process through it, and i want to come out the other side in healing. right now i'm still in crisis mode and floundering.



phoenixrising43 -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 12:45:01 PM)

Sometimes you have to make your own closure, sad as that is.  Things will get better in time though, and you will have more clarity about things later.  I know everyone says time heals, and it is true.  It is just hard to see that when you are on a wild emotional roller coaster.  Since you appear to be on speaking terms with each other, maybe given a little space and time, he will open up more about what happened.  No matter what promises are given, sometimes things just don't work out the way you think they should in life.  Don't worry about what you did wrong, a relationship takes constant commitment from both people involved in it.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 12:48:21 PM)

Chances are things just fell apart for him. It just wasn't there anymore and his attempts were just that... attempts to see if it was still there. Nothing either of you said or did, shit just happens. And it kind of sounds like the collar doesn't mean the same thing to him anymore either and he just can't wrap his head around this "formal un-collaring" that seems so important to you. You have to admit that in a legal divorce there is no one that comes in and does a reverse ceremony to remove the wedding rings, right? The same thing holds true in a collaring, the ceremony to get there may be incredible and touching, but when it's over hon... it's over. I would just consider it done and understand that from this point on you may have found that he is a good friend to you and your sapling and nothing more.
 
Jewel



dreamerdreaming -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 12:56:14 PM)

Wow raven, that sucks. But what strikes me about your post is your level of insight about yourself! You seem really smart, and self-aware. You seem like a great catch!
Re: trying to analyze what went wrong in the relationship, there is a point of diminishing returns. Learn what you need to learn about yourself and move on. Nevermind trying  to understand him and why/ when he stopped wanting to dom you. No one has to be at fault, here. Chalk it up to experience. I'll bet he really couldn't explain to you what happened because he's not sure himself. He may not be very self-aware. Whatever happened is for the best:  he came to feel that you weren't right for him, so now you're better off free so you can enjoy some time focusing on your wee-bairn. ENJOY this chance! they grow up so fast.

And nobody's perfect, we all have our physical and emotional challenges. You may have more than most but it will benefit you and your child if you can take them in stride. Be you, not your disabilities. When you're ready to look around again, be picky! You deserve the best.



batshalom -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 12:56:16 PM)

It sounds like he got caught up in new relationship energy and made promises he couldn't keep after that energy wore off. It's one thing to promise "forever" in a new relationship but a whole different thing to see "forever" stretching out in front of you when it comes down to the real nitty gritty of daily life.

I am sorry it happened to you, although perhaps it would be best to start weaning your daughter off his attention. If it were me, it would seem best to have him completely out of my life so that I could heal. I wish you luck.



NuevaVida -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 1:08:25 PM)

I am sorry you are suffering.  Going through the post-mortem of being recently released myself, I'm of the opinion that there is no "right" way to break up.  However it is done, it is painful and no one really knows what's going on in the other's mind and heart.  This is a form of grief you must mourn, and you will likely go through all the stages of grief as you do.  Part of that is blaming each other for what went wrong, and blaming yourselves for what went wrong.

The way I was let go was, unfortunately, rather clumsily, and while I was aware of our troubles, the timing and form of my release came as a shock.  My Master was not here to remove the collar he put on my neck, so I removed it myself  I can only say that if you want closure, you may have to close it yourself.  Begin taking your power back.  Begin taking things up for yourself that you used to depend on him for.  Little by little I have been taking things back - removing the collar, taking my orgasms back, giving myself permission to do things, etc.  Not easy steps, but steps none-the-less.  Even baby steps are steps forward, as a dear friend has been telling me.

Regarding the collar, perhaps you can perform your own ceremony/ritual with it.  After picking mine up off the floor (yes, I hurled it after taking it off), I propped it on something in my living room so that I can see it and process what is taking place.  There is a LOT of good behind what that collar signified, and I don't want to forget that amidst the pain.  Focus on the good he provided your life, and be grateful for it during your grief; It will help.  Surround yourself with people who love you, and hang on through the process.

I truly wish you well.

Edited to fix a word



KatyLied -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 1:17:19 PM)

I would never depend on the other person to give me closure.  That seems like not only a weird form of manipulation, trying to get a response from someone who has made it obvious he wants no interaction, but it also sends a signal to him that you still seek his authority in some form.  I think some relationship post-mortem is good, but don't go overboard with it.  Life goes on and you never know what's around the next bend.



katie978 -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 3:15:46 PM)

 There are some people who aren't emotionally or mentally equipped to deal with living with a disabled person. It appears that your dom was that type of person...by taking him to the doctors with you all the time and casting him in the caregiver role probably swamped him with information and responsibilities based on your disability. Rather than helping him see around it, you kept thrusting it in his face.

  However, the main problem you seem to have is that he broke up with you. It's always tough, but you're not entitled to anything afterwards. If you were in a vanilla relationship, would you expect your vanilla ex-boyfriend to come and officially unboyfriend from you? Would you have an un-going-steady ceremony? By asking him to officially uncollar you, you're asking him to step into the dominant role again-which he's clearly stated he was not interested in having. Hell, even married people don't have "Official un-ringing". Do you need break-up sex to feel closure too? It's asking too much. You have to find closure within yourself, his stepping back into the dominant role won't help you find closure.

As to his not feeling dominant, it's obvious you missed the signs, and that's unfortunate. However, it's the same as a vanilla relationship where one partner falls out of love. It sucks, and it can come as a complete atom bomb to the other partner, but there are always signs that something isn't working right.

  I hope you feel better, and it's great that the man is continuing to fulfill the "daddy" role with your little one. Good luck.



MusicalBoredom -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 3:31:00 PM)

I find that when relationships come to an end, D/s or otherwise, I do best to stay away from questioning things at first.  There is that desperate empty feeling that wants to find a cause ASAP to sort of prove that I was at fault or they were at fault.  If I can place blame then I can fix it in the future thus insuring I won't be alone forever.  It's a no-win game.  It's my lame attempt at making my brain responsible for all things in life as though it were some complicated puzzle to be mastered.  The truth is that I cannot control the outcome of most things especially relationships.  Even in a pure D/s relationship you can't force the other person to "act right."  Sometimes relationships just don't work out despite my desire for them to.

The time for reflection for me usually comes after emotions have died down.  Then I can look at where I can do better.  Sometimes I lied to myself all along about thinking something was OK when it wasn't.  Sometimes I choose the wrong people for the wrong reasons.  Sometimes, my issues get in the way in relationships.  Sometimes some of my more glaring character defects are right there on the service but I chose not to see them there.  Then sometimes the other person or I just decided it was time for something different.  I just can't get to those truths when my emotions are blocking reality from me.  It's best for me to take a time out then re-group later.



CalifChick -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 3:44:28 PM)

Maybe you need your own ceremony or ritual to free yourself and let go.  Here is one example of a "divorce ceremony", and while it is geared towards a couple divorcing amicably, you may be able to glean something useful from it:  http://www.divorcemag.com/c/s3/?Health_Well_Being/divorceceremonies.html 

I believe this one is geared to a single person (vs a couple): http://www.divorceceremony.org/index.html 

Separations:  http://www.secular-celebrations.com/divorce/Separate_ways.htm 


Cali



MistressOfGa -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 3:58:57 PM)

~FR~
All I can do right now, is offer a hug. I am so sorry for the obvious pain you are going through. I don't believe you missed any signs, sometimes there are NO signs. Trust me, I was thrown totally off-guard by my last sub asking for release. NO signs at all. Like I said to a man in the other thread, find a reason to get up each day and move, one step in front of the other, til eventually, you are walking without thought. It sounds like you have a great reason, your lil one :)
 
Hugs and good luck to you. Like Katy said, you never know what's around the next bend <s>



Paulnz -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 4:08:57 PM)

Don't beat yourself up over it, whatever is going on appears to be entirely to do with him, and unless you're a mind reader you'll never really know.



impishlilhellcat -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 4:28:14 PM)

I guess what I have to say may just be repeat of what so many others have said so far. I know it's heartbreaking. I know it human nature to question why to search for answers to try and figure out where we went wrong to see if we can fix the mistakes so that, that person will come back, to want to make it work, to fix the situation. But you have a child and while it hurts and probably hurts very deeply you have something/someone to focus on. It will take time to heal and it will probably take a long time to heal. All you can do is refocus spend time with your wee one and try to move on and learn from this experience. If he's able to walk away so willingly and failed to bring up issues as they arose within the relationship and unwilling to even discuss things maybe you are just better off. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but in time you will see.

You do need to find your closure on your own. You can ask him for closure all you want, but you will probably never ever get it and to keep asking only continues to give him the power to hurt you.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 4:51:50 PM)

When my former Dom broke off with me i was stunned and hurt. But i know you can survive and thrive. Try your best to look at the positive and move on. I pushed myself to move on even though i wasnt ready. I was found by the most remarkable and loving Master because of it. So now in retropect ,I know that my former Dom gave me a gift. He let me go to find someone who could give me what I needed because he couldnt. I am blessed and you are too. Mark my words. In the words of Garth Brooks..Some of Gods greatest gifts are unaswered prayers.



subtee -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 5:07:14 PM)

I take what seems to be an inordinate amount of time to process as well. However, if He expresses anything close to not wanting me anymore, I'm at top speed out the door before he finishes his sentence. I see no point in trying to engage Him after that. It's done.

You have a saving grace, which is your child. Focus only there and your joy will be rewarded ten-fold. You'll be happier, healthier and more attractive to the next, more appropriate Him.

I agree with Batshalom (as I always do); I would not encourage his continued presence in your child's life.



natasha66 -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 5:10:38 PM)

Forgive him, forgive yourself, and MOVE ON.  It takes work, but it can be done.



camille65 -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 5:21:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: katie978

There are some people who aren't emotionally or mentally equipped to deal with living with a disabled person. It appears that your dom was that type of person...by taking him to the doctors with you all the time and casting him in the caregiver role probably swamped him with information and responsibilities based on your disability. Rather than helping him see around it, you kept thrusting it in his face.

However, the main problem you seem to have is that he broke up with you. It's always tough, but you're not entitled to anything afterwards. If you were in a vanilla relationship, would you expect your vanilla ex-boyfriend to come and officially unboyfriend from you? Would you have an un-going-steady ceremony? By asking him to officially uncollar you, you're asking him to step into the dominant role again-which he's clearly stated he was not interested in having. Hell, even married people don't have "Official un-ringing". Do you need break-up sex to feel closure too? It's asking too much. You have to find closure within yourself, his stepping back into the dominant role won't help you find closure.

As to his not feeling dominant, it's obvious you missed the signs, and that's unfortunate. However, it's the same as a vanilla relationship where one partner falls out of love. It sucks, and it can come as a complete atom bomb to the other partner, but there are always signs that something isn't working right.

I hope you feel better, and it's great that the man is continuing to fulfill the "daddy" role with your little one. Good luck.



Um wow. Its her fault for thrusting her disability in his face?

I see her main problem a bit differently from your second paragraph. I see her needing to understand when it began, why it began happening inside his head while he still pretended to go through the motions. Its natural to want to understand those sort of things, and natural to want some sort of closure. I know from experience that a 'vanilla boyfriend' break up is different, the parameters are different as are the expectations. Sometimes in a D/s thing it can be very difficult to switch out of 's' and ask the hard questions from someone who was the 'D', not a boyfriend who is on a much more even standing.

Being sarcastic and asking if she needs break up sex 'too' is another wow. There was nothing in her post that struck me as overly needy, just unanswered questions.

She knows she missed the signs and is questioning just what those signs were.


OP I think that NV had some really great words of wisdom, take back control for yourself step by step. Make that into your own form of closure because its pretty obvious that he isn't going to help you in that.

The one thing that katie978 said that I agree with is that some are not cut out for dealing with disabilities or long term health issues. Sometimes they think they can do it but until they know for sure its only a hope.

For my own self, opening that side (with the doctors appts etc) then being dumped hurts like hell. It isn't fair and it just hurts. My ex husband couldn't handle it and he walked away with my eventual blessing. I came to learn that I'd rather have someone who really would step up to the plate over someone who says all the right words but really doesn't listen to my words.

There are people out there who can deal with someone who is sick, there really are. Hopefully you can take some things from this experience and use them. I've always felt that getting involved with someone with health problems brings its own set of problems, sometimes an outside listener is needed. An impartial person that can be vented upon or just as a sounding board. Maybe he felt you were too fragile to discuss this stuff with.. I don't know but I have been there.



subtee -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/21/2008 5:23:46 PM)

~Hugs Camille~



ravenslaveheart -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/22/2008 6:06:23 AM)

thank you all for your replies. i can put some more info out there based on your replies (continuing to process) ...

NuevaVida, what you said really touches my heart, hits very close to home in my situation.

the reason i was asking for a closing ceremony is that the collar was put on during a Native American pipe ceremony, and he stressed very deeply to me it would require another pipe ceremony to take it off/end it. making sure i understood the deep spiritual significance of being collared with the pipe.

CalifChick i like those links! i'm inspired to come up with my own ritual.

i never thrust my disabilities in his face, though i can understand i should give out more information. he specifically requested, and sometimes even ordered, that i put together all the info he needed to know, or go with me to ask the doctor questions. he used to work as a PCA (personal care assistant) for a few years and when we met, we both thought "what a perfect match!" i urged him very strongly to go to the local caregivers' support groups, or even attend on online, the moment i saw him burning out. he has a physical disability as well, and i took care of him as well as i could. i thought it was one of those situations where our needs arose and our abilities for caring were yin and yang. it seemed at first the empathy level was huge. i was wrong.

the problem now lies in the fact that when he comes over to take the wee-one out, he talks to me, and keeps telling me "not to get my hopes up" but he really wants us to work things out. i resolve to steel my heart and stay strong and work up some righteousness and remind myself how much he's hurt me ... and then that deep, soft voice and those ocean-blue eyes and reassuring words just melt me. sighs. i honestly don't know if he can work out his own problems and processes enough to be a viable parter in a relationship with me, but i can watch and wait.



Dnomyar -> RE: dumped, & emotionally stumped (8/22/2008 6:26:02 AM)

OP may I ask if your Dom worked?



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875