leadership527
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Alonzo50
That sounds very interesting. If I may ask, can you give an example of a 'less complicated' plan you used for something? For example: what was your plan for having her dress or act more sexy? (other than just buy her more sexy clothes?) If you don't mind sharing, I'm intrigued.
Also, did you run into any body image issues and if so how did you help her deal with those?
Sure, I'll give it a go. Before I start out though, I should make it clear that this response is coming from a person who sees his role as dominant to be more about leadership than control. As such, I lean on influencing more than commanding. I acknowledge that she will obey me... but to gain true buy-in to the goal, she must understand it and agree with it and perceive the goal to be good for some combination of me, her, and us. In short, this entire post won't sound very domly at all to an awful lot of the readers here.
Let's use the dress sexy one since it was actually one of the hardest commands I've given her. Mine, as near as I can tell, has absolutely no judgements whatsoever on things that happen inside our house. That is to say, in private, there is only things that appeal and things that don't -- and the VAST majority of things do appeal (*laughs* she's the kinky deviant one of the two of us). There's no "OMG" type reaction. In public, however, mine has HUGE issues around calling attention to herself and "selling out to the man". So... the plan...
a) Normalization
OK, so the first step was getting her to understand that when I say I wanted her to dress sexier, we're not talking britney spears here. In fact, I prefer a more "cultivated" look myself so "sexy" to me is pretty much always going to mean things like elegant, sophisticated, etc. In other words, I wasn't pushing her outside of any sort of accepted societal norm. So when she would point out an attractive woman to me, I would immediately point out how high her hemline was or how low her decolletage. After a few weeks of this, it began to come clear to mine that she had a double standard in her head... things that looked great and attractive and sophisticated on OTHER woman looked slutty on her (in her own mind).
b) Acclimitization
Pretty straight-forward.... Control the situation and sexiness both to gradually get her used to being more "out there". Much discussion (and sympathy -- For guys who don't get this, just think about wearing a speedo the next time you go to the beach and you'll know what it feels like to be so "on display"). This step was to help out with the "being center of attention" part which kind of goes hand-in-hand with being a hottie in public. For the "selling out ot the man part", we had a few conversations... "So which man, exactly, are you selling out to? Me? Do you perceive getting your husband all hot and bothered as selling out?" The trick here was to make her fears specific to THIS relationship, not generic to some 30 year old feminist tape which may have had use in some other situation, but not here and now in our marriage.
c) Physical Shape
As an entirely separate "plan", her physical appearance was also being pretty significantly reworked. Size 14 down to a size 6... focus on makeup, hair long and arranged. All together, it was a pretty dramatic change. When it all came together, the new shape and the new clothes made her say "Wow, I look great!"
d) Acceptance
OK, so finally I had the new image in HER head, not mine. Suddenly SHE was seeing herself as a "hottie" and liking it. As you can imagine, from here it's all an easy downhill coast. Lots of positive reinforcement (along with me starting to watch carefully for any signs of her going too far -- no eating disorders please).
The thing I tried to remember here is that it was not my goal to simply have her wear different clothes. I could've achieved that with one command... "here, wear this." My goal was to change her internal self-image and so I went through a pretty standard series of role adoption steps. In fact, that is almost always my strategy. I avoid working on surface things like "what clothes is she wearing" in favor of the internal workings that caused that clothing selection to start with. Obedience, in this case, is not measured by her putting on a certain dress. It's measured by changes in her internal mindset.
That was in the category of "simple plans"... it's almost stock, just insert details, for pretty much any sort of internal change. I also omitted the "understand the problem" step that always goes first. We've been married long enough that we get most of the internal workings of each other without need for an explicit exploratory stage. So I already understood the drivers behind her clothing selections. For an example of a more complicated plan, mine needs less corporate culture and more art. So I need to reshape our lives kind of completely. I'll need to get a job. She'll need to go down to something like half-time and probably self-employed woodworking. We will probably move as a part of this which implies buying a new house somewhere (without selling the existing house -- exit strategy and all). So that means the existing house needs to be rented, etc. etc. etc. Obvioulsy, this plan is much much more sweeping in terms of impact on our lives. This plan will have a complete project plan associated with it with probably hundreds of steps involved.
The body image topic is a LOT more complicated. Like a lot of married couples, I had already done significant damage to her self-image by hinting at various points in our marriage how much I would like it if she were slimmer. So there was already a sore point there. This was attacked a couple of different ways.
a) Profuse Apologies for past behavior
Gotta fix the old stuff first.
b) I attacked it from a health standpoint (which she values) not a vanity standpoint.
Goals were set for our overall health. These goals included everything... diet, excercise, smoking, drinking, outdoors activities, you name it. Weight goals were attached to body fat percentages, not to any kind of weight. Diet goals were attached to health, not weight loss although caloric counts to achieve the target body fat percentages were definitely a part of it. The percentages that were chosen were exactly down the middle for us respectively. For her, that's 25% body fat (healthy range for a female is 20-30 percent). For me, it's 15% (10-20%). That was an effective defense against, "You want to make me into a emaciated supermodel." "No mine, supermodels routinely go well below what is considered healthy. I'm driving you to exactly the mid-point, not even the low point."
c) Those goals were for BOTH of us
Nothing like having a goal which incorporates her goals in order gain true buy-in. She is well aware that I am right there with her on the whole thing. We've both trimmed down similar (proportionally) amounts of weight. We've both given up various addictions. I've asked her to do nothing that I did not do myself. Leadership from the front... it's an old idea that's still a good one. This, of course, is only a dynamic for those like us. If you're big into the control / being-controlled thing, then this sort of thing probably looks weak to both dom and sub.
d) Her submissiveness
Really, when you get down to it, this was the largest element in getting over the old hurts. I have nothing but incredible respect for her in this regard. It's not an easy thing to let go of past pain. But she was exactly correct, the discussions that we used to have on the topic were vanilla discussions. It's a different situation now and her reactions need to be different than they were or else she needs to decide to that being my slave is not what she wants and so we need to negotiate some boundaries. That's entirely her choice, of course. In the end, she has disliked the idea of boundaries enough that she wrought the internal changes required to retain her slave collar (as opposed to reforming it into a sub collar or else reverting to vanilla).
Honestly, I'd love to claim credit for such smooth handling of the old hurts... but it was her doing not mine. It was the internal integrity that she brought to her decision to become my slave which really allowed that (and several similar things) to be addressed. She has given herself to me so completely that even the inner workings of her own thoughts, emotions, and self-image are offered up to me for rework. That is, in my mind at least, the furthest extreme of submissive behavior. While it may be true that I have done an adroit job managing the transition from husband/wife to master/slave, all of my deft handling would've been for naught without the integrity, strength, and trust in me that she has brought to her choice to submit.
Mine offered me up an analogy when we started all this... she said, "It's like trying to get in a car and go somewhere together. Our job is to define the destination. Your job is to drive the car and navigate us to the destination. My job is to make sure there is gas in the tank." While I may have done a great job navigating, she was the one who made sure there was enough gas in the tank to reach the destination.
*steps off soapbox about how great his girl is* sorry everyone *grins*
Hope that helps. If you'd like more details Alonzo, feel free to send me an IM on the other side.
_____________________________
~Jeff
I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael
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