RE: references

RE: references (Full Version)

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MusicalBoredom -> RE: references (8/23/2008 10:08:51 AM)
I think D/s oriented relationships are no different than non-D/s relationships in regard to building trust. I don't do casual relationships in either. I don't do one night stands. I don't pick up people at bars. I tend to meet people and get to know them just because I like meeting people. Some of those people spark something romantic or sexual after a time. In those cases I did have "references" so to speak. I met them through mutual friends or co-workers then developed my own relationship with them. Even if it were a blind date, someone you know has set you up. I have developed a reputation as a "good spanker" among both my lifestyle and vanilla friends. Even last night a casual acquaintance was talking about liking a good spanking from time to time. A friend across the table laughed and said that if that's what they wanted then they should ask me to go get a paddle. It was in jest but I guess that was sort of a reference. (I did end up spanking her over the hood of a car in the parking lot in front of the rest of our group lol.) I should point out that me being able to redden a behind in the way that works for some doesn't mean beans as to suggesting some sort of mutual compatibility. The bottom line is that I do trust the opinions of my friends but I also allow myself to form my own opinions based on my own experiences with each person.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: references (8/23/2008 12:12:46 PM)
Why would an x in most normal circumstances be knowing about your current elligibility status? For me that's absolutely NONE of my x's business and something they wouldn't be privy to knowing. I don't share info about what I am doing in regards to am I seeing any one or not with x's. Now, they may of heard it through the grape vine or something, but rumors are about as useful as an apple when you need a steak, not very. quote: ORIGINAL: Mavis If He says he's divorced, separated, unattached, the most recent ex can verify he's not currently attached. Just say you want to verify before risking stepping on any toes.

AMaster -> RE: references (8/23/2008 12:30:59 PM)
That is a tough question. Some ex's are a little bitter. I've had one unpleasant experience. I was talking with a sub on another site. After some time I realized we were not compatible and could not make a R/L connection, and told her that. She e-mailed and messaged every fem sub she knew to tell them what a poor Master and loser she thought I was. Take that for what it is worth.

SoulPiercer -> RE: references (8/23/2008 12:57:56 PM)
Having been around the "scene" for a very long time now, the topic of references seems to have become like a story that's been handed down for generations and changed so many times that it no longer resembles the original version. Way back when, young uns (chuckle), asking for references was something one did with casual play partners. References were people who knew you within the "scene" or local "community". The idea was to verify that the top or dominant did in fact know what they were doing, and wouldn't maim an unsuspecting bottom or submissive during simple bondage play. Some where along the line, asking for references was changed to asking to speak with ex-partners, which I've never understood for the very reasons many other people have already mentioned. I met a lovely submissive from collarme about this time last year. She wasn't so sure about me, so she started asking around. As luck would have it, she didn't find any of my ex's (the bodies are all safely hidden), but she did find the best friend of one my ex's who told her what a rotten bastard I am, etc., etc.. As a result, her opinion of me was now shaped by someone who is still angry at me for her view of something that happened 9 years ago.

NuevaVida -> RE: references (8/23/2008 2:18:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Why don't you ask him why? We could guess all day- maybe all his ex's are dead. Alllll my exes live in Texas....... (Sorry, couldn't resist)

GreedyTop -> RE: references (8/23/2008 2:37:04 PM)
dammit...now that song is gonna be stuck in my head

NuevaVida -> RE: references (8/23/2008 2:42:19 PM)
Good - Now I'm not the only one! [8D]

GreedyTop -> RE: references (8/23/2008 3:09:26 PM)
brat ;)

Mavis -> RE: references (8/23/2008 3:42:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss Why would an x in most normal circumstances be knowing about your current elligibility status? For me that's absolutely NONE of my x's business and something they wouldn't be privy to knowing. I don't share info about what I am doing in regards to am I seeing any one or not with x's. Now, they may of heard it through the grape vine or something, but rumors are about as useful as an apple when you need a steak, not very. quote: ORIGINAL: Mavis If He says he's divorced, separated, unattached, the most recent ex can verify he's not currently attached. Just say you want to verify before risking stepping on any toes. <giggles> i meant not currently still attached to THEM. Believe it or not, Domlies have been known to lie about breaking up with a sub, only to find out He hadn't made that clear to HER. There are stories to cover why they're still seen together ... like, she's got a chronic illness, i take her to the doctor weekly. Or we spend three nights a week together so as not to disrupt the kids lives too much. And this most priceless one: "Oh, yes, we're separated, but I'm renting a room there til I can afford a place with a pool." I've only known one couple that was in that situation, and the ex-wife was absolutely comfortable telling people that yes, he lived downstairs. She was dating also, and asked him to verify for her dates that they were not "together" just because they shared an address. Sometimes it's legit. The legit ones, you can always talk to. If it's not, He'll make all kinds of fussing about your "snooping", that'll weed those out.

blacksword404 -> RE: references (8/23/2008 10:00:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: paperdollie you make it sound so easy..... i am OCD lol..... i completely stress out. especially over a life change such as this i will prolly post threads from now till i actually am found, asking "what do i do?" Measure twice, cut once measure once, twice,thrice.... never cut

ResidentSadist -> RE: references (8/24/2008 12:40:00 AM)
References on both parts is traditional in my history of exposure. My Xs are all still in my life to some degree or another. After all, tt was the relationship and mutual goals that didn’t work, not our love, passion or friendship. I also act as a reference for my Xs. We speak highly of each other… except that one girl from band camp.

eyesopened -> RE: references (8/24/2008 3:36:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KyttynTheMynx What if these women are vindictive bitter women who say the worst possible things about him because they know he is an amazing man and they want him for themselves? The one and only time a potential partner offered one of his exs as a reference, she about ripped me to shreads telling me I wasn't good enough, could only be good enough if I thought like her, did the things she did, in other words, she wasn't over him, still wanted him and sure as hell didn't want me to be with him. He had no idea....

DesFIP -> RE: references (8/24/2008 2:19:31 PM)
Some people don't play publicly so their partners and expartners don't want strange people calling them up asking personal questions. Additionally, they are expartners for a reason. If they were still madly in love, they wouldn't be exes. I would be mad as fire if some unknown woman called me up and said she wanted to start dating my exhusband and demanded I tell her what we did in bed and out. I wouldn't give him a good report simply for handing out my number. If she called more than once, I'd report her for stalking. I'm a private person.

Missokyst -> RE: references (8/24/2008 3:15:19 PM)
Seriously.. who is going to give out a bad reference? Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: paperdollie i was speaking with a Dom earlier and He seemed to think it is pertinent to speak to the former subs. says it will help to determine the type of Master He would be to me. so i thought i would throw it out there and see what the general consensus isn't

Dnomyar -> RE: references (8/25/2008 8:26:31 AM)
Reminds me of when I used to hang out in the chat room. Seems when I met a person in the chatroom in person it was all over the chat room the same day. A side note: There were no bad reviews. I agree with what sirsholly said. Get to know the person yourself and form your own opinion.

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