Safety nets and safe calls

Safety nets and safe calls (Full Version)

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mystiquenz -> Safety nets and safe calls (8/23/2008 3:58:11 PM)
I am sure this topic has been discussed many times before, but how many subs are still meeting new doms out of town with whom they have not met before and haven't made contact with a local group or a local dom or a local sub to where they are travelling to ensure a safety net has been put in place? Case in point: I was speaking to a sub who is 8 hours from me. Involved in the local community. He has a sub friend whose visiting a dom in my city. How good is a safety net from 8 hours away? What good am I to my sub friend if he receives a distress call when I don't know the whereabouts of the visiting sub friend? Ok so this young lady had a safety net in place but in my opinion, it was not functional should she not be happy and want out. Thankfully she has made two calls this weekend to say she is safe which were relayed onto me but still ... it pays to think a little bit past your immediate back yard doesn't it? What do others think?

littlewonder -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/23/2008 4:05:08 PM)
Being I have a child my "safety net" if you want to call it that is the fact that my child always knows the address of where I'll be and I call her to always check up on her..plus my friends are always calling me and asking me what I"m doing and where I'm going. If I have a hot date they'll call me and ask tons of questions :P This whole idea of safety nets really to me is kinda ridiculous. I mean by the time you call someone and they arrive at certain place given, you'll be dead. No one's gonna be able to really save you. I think it's a false comfort.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/23/2008 5:03:32 PM)
I break such "rules" all the time, as do the subs and switches who have played with me, and for a long time I had a policy never to post that information on these boards, because I know people read what I write and often take it seriously. I changed my position recently, however, because of a trend I've seen on these boards of ubersafety BS. I've met a woman at midnight at a bed-and-breakfast, and we talked for five minutes and got busy. Et cetera. We both had fun. I've got a cmail from her in my inbox that I feel a little bad about, because I haven't responded to it yet. She has asked for another playdate, but the reality is that I'm looking for a relationship and she is not, so I have to prioritize my energies elsewhere. Remember that the vast, vast majority of sexual assaults are perpetrated by people the victim already knows -- especially blood relatives and spouses. I have a web site and a google footprint, and I am happy to send someone who is thinking of meeting me a scan of my government issued ID, and my address and phone. If she wants references from some BDSM group, or other dorky things like that, I will move on. I'm already willing to provide way more than someone gets on a vanilla date. If she's afraid of her own shadow, she can find someone to cyber with -- and it won't be me. There are plenty of women online who are genuine and looking. I invest my time in people who are serious.

lovingpet -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/23/2008 5:23:35 PM)
I put whatever effort into safety as I feel I need. Every non-play encounter involved absolutely no particular safety measures other than meeting in a public place. That was enough to make me feel comfortable. That may be more than some need and less than others need, but it was adequate for me. On my one and only "play" encounter, we broke some of the "rules" if you will, but not all. I put in place what I needed to feel I could continue with confidence. We had not met face to face prior to that night, but we did have dinner prior to going private. I brought someone along with me, not just for safety as there were other matters to handle that involved this individual. Other than having that person check in on us from time to time, I did nothing else out of the ordinary. Perhaps I am lucky and he was not some psycho out to kill me, but I believe this to be far more rare than the paranoia. Safety is a matter of personal perception rather than a set of standard practices. All safety procedures are susceptible to failure, so are more for comfort than actual protection. Nothing replaces taking the time to know someone well and trust them to be who and what they say they are. Of course, this is only my opinion and one that has worked out for me in the few instances I have determined someone worth meeting. Play safely by the definition that best suits you! lovingpet

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/23/2008 8:06:49 PM)
It's not really. But I don't endorse safe calls, so it's not an issue for me. I'd say letting someone you know FOR REAL where you're going, a number to reach you and generally when you'll be home is reasonable enough- that's the basic procedure I learned growing up in my family and it's kept me well so far.

mbes -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/23/2008 11:52:06 PM)
Did people not meet before the internet? Hell, I went home with guys years ago, and didn't worry so much as seems to be the fashion now. Let someone know where you're going, and when you expect to be back, and you're better off than many of us were 25 years ago.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/24/2008 12:04:40 AM)
Well there is some change to risk factors- availability of easy and fast transport combined with anyone meeting anyone from long distances without the closeness of knowing your turf. But, it's the same process and same judgement.

DesFIP -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/24/2008 2:50:55 PM)
Neither of us were involved with our local groups. I had no safe calls. I took my time and got to know him first. Old fashioned way of dating, I know. But then I'm old enough to remember meeting a guy at a party and going home with him knowing nothing more than his first name. Oddly enough, my own instincts proved fine back then also. After all, I'm still here.

GreedyTop -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/24/2008 2:59:59 PM)
I've travelled overseas to meet, not knowing ANYONE else in the Netherlands except the guy I went to meet. I had a name, copy of his passport, cell #, and an address. Safety net? my neighbor had my return flight info so he could pickme up at the airport. Personally, I trust my gut.

littleone35 -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/25/2008 8:07:25 AM)
I did not have a safety net when i first met my Master, but i insisted we meet in a public place. My standing rule is to never play on a first meet. After 2 months of talking in the phone and 16 hours of talking(face to face) after 3 days i knew i could trust him. I trusted my gut and was proved right. My gut is pretty relaiable. Matt's littleone

Plumpinthefatty -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/25/2008 8:24:15 AM)
Usually I have someone know what I am doing,even if its the basis idea, trouble with me most of my close friends live about 2 hours from me, so even if something did happen they wouldn't be able to do anything. When I meet someone most of the time I go with my "piggy" instinct, that is why it takes me awhile to meet anyone on here being I need to feel in order to make sure they are good for me before it leads into real time

burntcynder -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/25/2008 9:21:57 AM)
“If she's afraid of her own shadow, she can find someone to cyber with -- and it won't be me. There are plenty of women online who are genuine and looking. I invest my time in people who are serious.” I don’t think that being cautious on a first meet is an indication that someone is afraid of their own shadow. And why would it reflect on being genuine? I personally would be concerned if a Dom insisted on my taking their word that they were “safe”. If I take the time to insure my own safety by insisting on a safe meeting, check on the back ground of said Dom, and spend the time to get to know this person well, I believe that would make me serious indeed. I never meet someone for the first time alone. (safe calls are not safe enough) I carefully check into the individuals back ground. And spend adequate time getting to know them. If a Dom isn’t at least as concerned for my safety and well being as I am, and encourage me to proceed in a cautious manner they simply are not for me. I am worth the time I invest in my safety. cyn

GreedyTop -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/25/2008 9:27:49 AM)
I always meet someone alone the first time, unless the plans were made for being at a bdsm venue. I trust my gut. If I trust them enough to meet them in the first place... shrugs it's all about what you're comfy with.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/25/2008 9:31:06 AM)
I believe if someone cannot take care of themselves then they shouldnt get into a situation. The only safety net I ever advise any friends of mine to have is a first meeting in public. beyond that, nothing is "proven" to help one way or another. Safe calls can fail, you call and THEN something happens. What happens if whever you go has no reception for your cell phone? Does anyone still carry an emergency quarter to make a call anymore? What exactly is someone you call supposed to do, if you miss you call? They cant legally do anything, and chances are if the 'bad guy' who made the friend miss th call in the first place is really intent on doing something wrong, they arent going to be staying where the 'bad guy' knows they told people they'd be. Common sense is about the only reliable safety net. Beyond that, as others have said, we have been meeting people for a long time before the internet, before safe calls and text messages and cell phones and updates and amazingly we have survived. I think sometimes some people take the dea of safety precautions overboard. I prefer a realistic outlook to a false sense of security. If you are really that concerned about your safety, take a few self defense classes so that you an honestly protect yourself if someone gets aggressive. A good kick to the crotch if someone tries to harm you still works, with or without training. Carry a small hairspray can in your purse (or pocket for guys) and if someone is trying to come after you, a spray to the eyes will definately stop that short. The only safetynet that is surefire is one you carry on yourself. If you are depending on a phone call, even a closeby one, you are stll running the risk of something throwing a monkey wrench in the works. DV

FlamingRedhead -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/25/2008 9:31:59 AM)
I've broken rules...some of them my own....but I've always had a safety call. I guess I'm either damn lucky or just have good intuition.

CalifChick -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/25/2008 9:47:21 AM)
Much like GT, I trust my gut. And some basic fact-checking, including checking the sex offender registry. After that, it's all the gut. Cali

shivermetimbers -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/25/2008 10:59:11 AM)
This sort of reminds me of a Halloween episode from Happy Days. Howard is going through Joanie's goodies. Mrs. C stops him from eating something unwrapped. He says, "Marion, what's the big deal? These are our neighbors." Marion replies, "Howard, people put all kinds of things in food, there are a lot of crazy people out there, so don't eat anything unwrapped." Howard states, "But Marion, we gave away apples, and they weren't wrapped." "Yes Howard" says Marion, "But I know we're not crazy." Just like the Cunninghams, each person has their own level of trust in others. I think what each of us feels we need to or don't need to do stems from our general trust in our own judgement and what our comfort level needs to be. Now I can't help but think about going through Joanie's unwrapped goodies. Erin Moran filled many a teenaged fantasy for me!

Lynnxz -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/25/2008 11:18:03 AM)
I use safety calls, they've worked out for me quite well.

katie978 -> RE: Safety nets and safe calls (8/25/2008 4:26:52 PM)
I've always had a safe call, but I have pondered the logic of that. If I don't answer my cell because I'm in a public place and don't hear it, the safe caller isn't really going to call the police. The same amount of safety could be achieved by having someone know where you actually are and who you're with. To be honest, I'm all for a little bit of self-responsibility here. While it's true that some shady people can be gallant and charming as fuck, there must be red flags when one goes out with a serial killer. Using common sense largely eliminates the probability that someone is doing to tie you up and bring you home and keep you in a pit in the basement (unless that's what you're looking for). I trust myself well enough not to get in the car or go someplace private with someone I'm not really comfortable with. While I'm sure there are those here who have been fooled, common sense had worked for me so far.

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