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Failure and ADHD - 8/23/2008 8:46:15 PM

WhiplashSmile2

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Here's a subject that I'm certain has been covered before some. It deals with a submissive partner having ADHD.

As much as "failure" is not an option is stressed at times in D/s relationships. Even in getting to know each other stages, where a submissive has ADHD combined with a busy life schedule.

I'm interested in how people have managed to deal with momemts of failure or let's use the word "let down".

I realize the ADHD or ADD, kind of runs at different levels for different folks.

I'm curious with regards to how people on both sides of the coins have learned to adjust and deal with in. Back to the concept of "Failure".

Where the submissive party even at times get very frustrated with themselves or vice versa.

How has ADHD fucked up a previous D/s relationship, or even impacted upon the whole courtship process at times.

Even crazy moments, when somebody has missed taking medication such as Aderall for a few days or so.

To make this topic a little more interesting, how has been being punished or punishing somebody with ADHD changed things.

My cousin is married to somebody with ADHD, she is a very wonderful person, great sense of humor and is always on the go. However even in their Vanilla marriage things don't always get done, and let's get lost in a the momemt. My cousin is an extremely patient and understanding person.   However, again they have a Vanilla non-D/s non-lifestyle relationship.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around adjustments, and dealing with moments when a submissive fails. I know how submissives hate failing at times too. I also know how this can grate on a Doms patient and nerves when things don't go as planned or expected.

So, with all this said.   I'm very interested in hearing stories, experiences, from both sides of the coin. Both Good and Bad.

Post #: 1

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/23/2008 9:14:57 PM

pixidustpet

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Joined: 6/4/2008
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i dont know about ADHD and BDSM....now, i DO know that i have a terminal case of the brain farts. today, i'm getting organized (HA!) for the packers on monday. movers on tuesday. bleh.

i start to do one thing, have to go into another room to complete that task, see something else i need to do, start that, flutter on to a third thing before i remember the original task. this is normal for me. what i have to do is stop, make a list, and cross off each thing as i finish it, and struggle NOT to skip around. yeah, this *is* difficult for me.

we always joke that my attention span is....OOOooo shiney! *wanders off*

ya know?

its a pain in the ass for anyone who deals with me. fortunately for my behind, TheEngineer is understanding and also grasps that my emotional age is about 12 most days. and that shiney and stuffed animals? faggiddaboutit. i'm gonna be lost for a little bit. *massive eyeroll at self*

i fail a lot. i beat myself up more about it than Daddy and TheEngineer combined ever have. they both tend to steer me back towards what i was supposed to be doing and refocus me.

kitten, whose brain scattered sometime around 8 pm tonight and hasnt returned as yet....

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Post #: 2

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/23/2008 9:29:52 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
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I'm a submissive with adhd and on a trip to a event i forgot my meds. i sort of vibrated the whole day. this was somewhat amusing to my M'Lady but it did lead to a morning ritual of making sure i take my meds. now as one who has adhd i can relate to forgetting and getting side tracked. it is difficult to keep focused with out meds, it is something i have worked on for years to keep focused reducing extraneous stimulus getting a routine etc. for me its not a matter of disobeying but honestly forgetting. time is something that i have a difficult time with, my time sense just does not exist. i lose track of time and cant judge time at all. personally i hate forgetting tasks and getting reprimanded for doing it. for those who never have dealt with adhd before i would beg tolerance and patience with your partner.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Post #: 3

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/23/2008 9:35:35 PM

BKSir

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From: Salt Lake City, UT
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I've had more than a couple ADHD friends, and the morning meds seem to be a HUGE trouble for them. One thing I advised, and they report it working very well, is hanging a container by a string, with their meds in it, in the middle of the doorway to the bathroom, so that when they head there first thing in the morning, it hits them in the face, literally. Just an idea, but, it works for them at least, and, what do you have to lose?

As far as failure... hm... I've lived with my partner, bi-polar depressive, PTSD veteran, for 13 and a half years now. He is anything but reliable, but I rarely if ever consider him to have failed. There are reasons for things, sometimes ones beyond our control, and I have, I like to think, a fairly decent capacity for forgivness.

< Message edited by BKSir -- 8/23/2008 9:37:50 PM >

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to LPslittleclip)

Post #: 4

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/23/2008 9:36:19 PM

MsD

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I can't speak to ADHD & BDSM either, but I can speak to dealing with someone who has ADHD - I raised a UM that was ADHD. A little advice that was given to me early on was to make sure that important things were put kindof in a BOLD LARGE font, so to speak. Perhaps hardest is to learn to discern that which is intentional and/or lazy & that which is just part & parcel of being ADHD.

edited to add: I also found it helpful to the one with ADHD to maintain very distinct, strict, and (most of all) consistancy in attitude & with what is acceptable & what is not. Infractions & punishments were dealt with as well.

< Message edited by MsD -- 8/23/2008 9:42:03 PM >

(in reply to pixidustpet)

Post #: 5

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/23/2008 9:47:40 PM

Leatherist

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There seem to be a lot of add people in the lifestyle.

I think it's one of the reasons that ritual, pain play and protocol are so attractive to many.

Structure and following a routine are coping skills.

Ritual is a reminder.

Pain is a focusing medication.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Post #: 6

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/23/2008 11:10:39 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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For me, a disorder will only ruin a relationship with me if they are not doing what needs to be done to control it and keep things functional to a reasonable standard and always progressing towards more stability and security. I don't care if we're talking PMS, bi-polar, loss of a limb or whatever else.

I have issues with people who say "Oh I've got X disorder, thus I cannot be expected to behave rationally and reasonably."

If you don't feel you can live up to reasonable expectations of behavior nearly all the time, it's really unfair and inappropriate IMO to get into a relationship with someone until you feel you can.

I don't think it has anything to do with Ds, it's just a general relationship issue.

With ADD/ADHD in particular, there's great drugs, great therapists, great coping mechanisms out there to help people and no reason they should let it hinder their responsibilities within a relationship over the long term.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 7

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/23/2008 11:51:54 PM

Lynnxz

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From: Atlanta
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I'm not quite sure if I have ADHD... I was diagnosed when I was younger, but all the Adderall and Ritalin did for me was make me fat and mad. I think I'm just a horribly unorganized person. It's not an excuse for anything, but I have been hella late for appointments before, because I have lost my keys/wallet/Visa(never makes it back in the damn wallet)/key piece of kinky stuff.

Structure and rituals are god-awful for me. I get bored with the repetition- which is why I never did well in the Retail/food service industry... and I was horrible when I worked at a factory.

C, is wonderful. It probably helps that he's just an enourmously laid back person, who just gently pokes fun if I lose my keys, or forget when he's coming.

_____________________________

HBIC

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 12:43:16 AM

pompeii

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From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
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I started to answer this post ... and then ... I forgot what I was gonna' say...

(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 9

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 5:13:00 AM

LaTigresse

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I remember before there was such a thing as ADD or ADHD. It just meant that some of us were "a little different". I am good with that.I am pretty sure that IF I were to be diagnosed I would get a big fat ADD tacked onto a medical description of me. I don't need it nor any medications to help make me stop being "a little different".

I find that there are as many pluses as there are cons. I can multi-task like a motherfucker. Just don't ask me to do any repetitively boring shit that requires me to focus. However, if I am doing repetitive boring shit that does NOT require me to focus my brain will wander and I may figure out how I am going to build the cabinets for my downstairs kitchen while I am at it.

It may mean that I find a spare set of car keys that have been missing for months in the dryer after washing my winter chore coat. It may also mean that I am able to think 4 steps ahead of what I am currently doing.

In 46 years of living I've done quite well. I've managed to get through school (by the skin of my teeth) until I dropped out to become the horror of all horrors, a teen mother. I've been able to work, provide, get ahead, have more material crap than I ever could have imagined when I was in my early 20's, sustain several very satisfying long term relationships, raised two FABULOUS kids, be present when my grands were born, and have some pretty fantastic life moments along the way.

Sure, I've got probably a dozen unfinished projects around the house and my office at work is never neat and tidy. I don't mind a bit. It all means I never run out of things to do and I never get bored. Plus I've got alot of motivation to stick around another 60+ years to finish all the projects and clean up all the messes. Nobody in my life seems to have a problem with any of it.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 10

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 7:45:07 AM

mmsprecious

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during the courtship process Master had to sort through and discover where His expectations should be for me. He wanted the tasks He gave me to be attainable and not set me up for failure. He also set up our protocols and routines as a way to help me organize and prioritize my life in general. (as leatherist said!) i also agree with luckyalbatross though in that it should not be used as an excuse. yes, i have it. yes it's difficult but hey so is life!

Master Mike's precious

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Post #: 11

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 8:03:08 AM

leadership527

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Mine doesn't have any sort of three letter aconronym such as ADHD. But she isn't exactly the best at the world in terms of remembering things. For instance, I might send her into the kitchen with a command like, "Go make me a screwdriver and check the pot roast." I wouldn't be terribly surprised if she came back and said, "25 minutes to go on the roast." and no drink in hand. So what? Then I, as her loving dominant, reinforces her weak area with my strong area and I say something like, "And will you go get me that screwdriver now?"

In what way is any of this a "failure"? It is certainly not a failure of her submission. Nor is it a failure in terms of intent. It has nothing to do with her internal priorities. It isn't an issue with laziness. In fact, if I were to think of this sort of exchange as a "failure", then I'd have to think of my entire marriage as a failure seeing as this behavior is a legitimate part of the personality of the woman I love.

Eventually, when we get there on my Master's todo list, I'll teach her some coping and mitigation strategies. But to mangle a really funny statement someone else made yesterday, "I'm not about to go and try to plow a field with my porsche."

For the record, I seldom count "failure" as a viable option... but I tend to be pretty careful about how I label success and failure.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Post #: 12

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 8:03:38 AM

ScooterTrash

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I remember before there was such a thing as ADD or ADHD. It just meant that some of us were "a little different".

OR...that is normal (no offense intended) and the rest are a bit different. Makes you wonder who made that decision?

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 13

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 8:09:56 AM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Mine doesn't have any sort of three letter aconronym such as ADHD. But she isn't exactly the best at the world in terms of remembering things. For instance, I might send her into the kitchen with a command like, "Go make me a screwdriver and check the pot roast." I wouldn't be terribly surprised if she came back and said, "25 minutes to go on the roast." and no drink in hand. So what? Then I, as her loving dominant, reinforces her weak area with my strong area and I say something like, "And will you go get me that screwdriver now?"

In what way is any of this a "failure"? It is certainly not a failure of her submission. Nor is it a failure in terms of intent. It has nothing to do with her internal priorities. It isn't an issue with laziness. In fact, if I were to think of this sort of exchange as a "failure", then I'd have to think of my entire marriage as a failure seeing as this behavior is a legitimate part of the personality of the woman I love.

Eventually, when we get there on my Master's todo list, I'll teach her some coping and mitigation strategies. But to mangle a really funny statement someone else made yesterday, "I'm not about to go and try to plow a field with my porsche."

For the record, I seldom count "failure" as a viable option... but I tend to be pretty careful about how I label success and failure.

I believe Edison may have put it best when asked why he continued to try to create a light bulb after failing 1000(ish) times. "I haven't failed. I've simply succeeded in learning 1000 ways to NOT make the light bulb."

Failure is what you make of it, and if one doesn't learn from a mistake, if one simply sits and dwells on it forever, instead of moving forward, if one simply does not grow as a person, only then would I ever consider something failed.

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 14

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 8:12:37 AM

kiwisub12

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Have two ums with add - one with the h. And to say it was an interesting experience raising them would be an understatement. I learned really early on that physical punishment did very little except make them angry - so i quit spanking them.

I did learn that writing down the things that i expected them to do helped, as did a routine. Drugs really worked well, and if they didn't take them, then expect an attention span of about 15 minutes, so if doing something that lasted longer than 15 minutes - a reminder of the task was required.

Punishment was hard for me in that i had trouble discerning deliberate avoidence of tasks vs add forgetfulness/ mind slip.

Their dad finally was diagnosed with add after the kids were, and he went on meds, finished his ba and got his masters. Amazing the difference meds made to him. Unfortunately it didn't change his basic personality * sigh*

(in reply to mmsprecious)

Post #: 15

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 9:01:25 AM

windchymes

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If I had a dollar for every time I heard the word "scatterbrained", I'd be retiring wealthy. LaT just described my life, so I won't do it again, lol.

I have found Post-it Notes to be pretty handy for reminders when I need them. For things like taking medications that were critical, like birth-control pills when I was younger, now it's blood pressure and thyroid meds

.....I'd put them on top of my contact lens case, since I had to take them out at night, I'd see it and the pills were right there. I used to turn my wedding rings around so that they were constantly poking the palm of my hand if I needed a quickie reminder for an appointment or committment of some kind.

As far as ADD and BSDM relationships? The one thing I can think of is that if you are obsessed with everything being done in a certain way, organized all the time, and want someone to take care of you and make a world of perfection all around you, please don't hook up with someone with ADD. Sure, you can play controller and try to "train" them out of it, but you won't succeed and you'll only make them frustated and miserable.

But, if you have a more easy going personality and can appreciate the good in people and the positive things they can offer, and if their imperfections won't send you into a seizure, then go for it.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 16

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 9:07:11 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Change the definition of success.

Instead of focusing on a task being done 110% perfectly, which is setting someone up for failure, focus on finding ways to stay on track.

Make a list of 3 things that need to be done and have her/him cross them off as each is accomplished.
Buy a white board and write down the daily tasks.
Assign less tasks.

Don't focus on service, focus on emotion.
If success is defined not as getting the house clean, but as learning more about how to manage, and you expect that this will take months to learn a new habit, then failure will not be an option.

They are failing because that's how you've set the situation up. And punishing someone for a disease is a disgusting thought, or do you believe that caning a breast cancer patient's breasts is also appropriate?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 17

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 3:48:49 PM

LaTigresse

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I know this thread kinda died earlier but I just got back home from doing some fun life stuff.

Scooter, I don't think you could offend me. And yanno, I've always wondered exactly what "normal" is supposed to be cuz I sure as hell don't know anyone that is.

One thing I did want to address. I don't see ADD or ADHD as a disease at all. Again, it's just part of what makes the person who they are, unique. It is unfortunate that some of the traits that go along with them make it difficult for people to conform to a standard. School is a good example. As a society we have done our very best to streamline our lives, like the education system, to work for the masses. Unfortunately not everyone fits into that streamlined system as easily. Our expectations of what should be "normal" is the problem and our unwillingness to tweak the systems to make them fit individuals rather than the masses.

I think that as individuals we can learn to take those systems and work around them or with them however we can without tossing a rock in the cogs for everyone. For me it was finding jobs that complimented my traits rather than caused me to fight them and set myself up to fail. That doesn't mean we cannot challenge ourselves but we still need to cherish our unique differences rather than always consider them negative traits.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 3:58:35 PM

Jeffff

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I am quite sure I am add, ahad, or something.......... my mind wanders often and when I really try to concentrate

you could set me on fire and I might not notice. Since I rather like me, I am ok with that..:) I suppose I struggle with

some things but who doesn't? My capacity for amazement and joy in the smalls things seems to make it all

worthwhile

Jeff

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 19

RE: Failure and ADHD - 8/24/2008 5:06:33 PM

daddysblondie

Posts: 181
Joined: 3/17/2007
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It take a little extra work on both sides of the slash i think.
1. i write all kinds of things down. If i go out to the store to pick up food for us, I make a list. i have a pda/phone so I have rotating "memos" in my phone that i use for my lists.
2. Daddy usually will only ask for one thing at a time. Sometimes it means extra trips for me up and down the stairs, but given too many things to remember at once and eventually, i'll forget at least one.
3. Lots of patience. I know I have days where I try his patience a ton, but we deal with each day as it comes.
4. I have established some routines for myself, such as making a sweep of the house before going to bed to make sure everything is in it's place.
5. My adhd is never an excuse for my behavior. Sure we both know there are certain things that are more difficult for me because of my adhd, and in those areas he's a little more lenient with me, but it's also clear that his expectations are his expectations. He points out the areas that I need to work on more often than he "punishes" me for my short comings. I think in our relationship the goal is to help me be the girl he and i both want me to be rather than trying to force it.

Hope that makes sense...

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)

Post #: 20

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