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asking - 8/25/2008 3:55:31 PM   
nhite


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline 		i dont know if its a 'girl' thing or a 'sub' thing but i hate asking.  as in there's a dom i know as in hey how are you, and i know his name - he has a toy i want to experience and i've hinted really hard at it but i can't come out and ask.   it just feels 'wrong' to me - like i'm asking for something i have no right to ask for, like i'm imposing.   its the kind of thing like you'd never a casual co-worker to drive your sick mother to the doctor for you -- its just not 'right'

a couple friends of mine -male doms - can not fathom this at all and think i'm silly.

i know its accepted in 'the life' but its just not who i am at all....  i envy those who have a dominant to handle that protocol for them
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: asking - 8/25/2008 4:31:15 PM   
DomDolf


Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline 		You have to find a way to ask. If he is someone you know and there is a mutual respect this should not be a big deal. I understand your hesitancy, but you will need to get over it. As a possible alternative, if he has a regular play partner you might ask that person to help you.

Dolf

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: asking - 8/25/2008 4:32:19 PM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		  Your post was a little hard to decipher, but I think I've got the gist of it.

Essentially, you're trying to work up the courage to ask an aquaintance, "Hey, wanna go get coffee sometime? And then you can whip me?"

  Since you say you've dropped hints really hard, and he remains uninterested, it's time to drop the passive-aggressive nonsense (a trait that, in me, is both "a girl thing" and "a sub thing") and just ask outright. If he says no, move on. It may help you if this guy frequently plays at play parties and is involved in the local scene. You might be able to ask someone else if he ever plays casually.

  If you don't build up the courage to at least ask, you'll never know how much fun [insert untried activity here] is.


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(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: asking - 8/25/2008 4:44:03 PM   
Diphon


Posts: 39
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline 		There's nothing we love more than having a subbie girl come up to us and ask to be played with. Dropping hints probably isn't going to cut it. Saying "ooh, that sure looks like fun!" won't be nearly as effective as "Sir, if it's not an imposition would you please play with me?" Be direct, let him know what you want. You'll probably make his night, or at least add to it.

(in reply to katie978)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: asking - 8/25/2008 6:01:18 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Not sure what to say, you've accepted your choices and their consequences.  I only hope you know how to ask the important questions when it really matters.

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(in reply to Diphon)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: asking - 8/25/2008 6:23:28 PM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite
i dont know if its a 'girl' thing or a 'sub' thing but i hate asking.  as in there's a dom i know as in hey how are you, and i know his name - he has a toy i want to experience and i've hinted really hard at it but i can't come out and ask.   it just feels 'wrong' to me - like i'm asking for something i have no right to ask for, like i'm imposing.  


I don't think that this is a "girl" thing or a "sub" thing, I think it's a "some people" thing.  Some folks are hinters and some folks are come-out-and-askers, and the two groups seem to have a lot of problems communicating. 

I'm a come-out-and-ask kind of gal.  I don't often notice when someone is hinting at me.  If someone says to me, "Wow, that's a really neat toy.  It must feel really great.  I wish we had a toy like that," chances are it's going to go right over my head.  I'll assume they're just admiring the toy and say something like, "Yeah, we really like it," and go on with whatever I was doing.  If they'd said to me, "Wow, that's a really neat toy.  Would you smack me with it a few times so I can see what it feels like?", 9 times out of 10 I'll be happy to do so.  If that's fun I'll be happy to do more.  When I notice that I'm being hinted at, I often choose to ignore the hints.  It feels "wrong" to me - like I'm being manuevered or manipulated.  Why would someone put me in the position of having to ask them to let me do something for them?  The answer, of course, is that they don't see it the same way I do.  I think some see it as offering me an easy out.  They're uncomfortable with saying "no" and assume that I am, too, so they're offering me a way to decline gracefully.  

You mentioned feeling like you're imposing.  To me, a straight question is a lot less of an imposition than a hint.  Neither you nor I are right or wrong, we've just got different communication styles.  Unfortunately for us, we need to be able to communicate with folks whose styles differ from our own.  If you want to experience that dom's toy, you'll have to ask him flat out.  He may say no, but you'll know one way or the other.  It may help to practice asking.  Figure out what you want to say and say it to yourself over and over until you're comfortable with it.  Then say it to him. 

It may sound silly, but it's worth a shot.

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: asking - 8/25/2008 7:38:08 PM   
MercTech


Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite

- like i'm asking for something i have no right to ask for, like i'm imposing.


That sounds like an assumption that a person would be obligated to do as you ask when you ask.  Naaa, asking for what you want is always appropriate as long as "no" is an acceptable answer.  But always be careful for what you ask for as you just might get it. Respectful requests with no attempt to manipulate into answering as you wish are rarely taken as improper.

Stefan

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: asking - 8/26/2008 2:39:24 AM   
Tetron


Posts: 48
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline 		There are several good suggestions here for how to handle your problem I will now submit mine. I can see where you are coming from quite clearly, I think the best solution that is available for you is to write this person a note and deliver it to them, if you cannot work up the courage to do so in person then mail it or email it. This still requires you to ask but there are ways of doing so that leave it entirely up to the dom you are asking. For instance if appropraite (not knowing your relationship to this dom I do not know if this is appropriate) I would write something along the lines of, "If it would please you sir, I would like to experiance (toy, activity, etc), with you." Something along the lines of this, which you can feel free to adapt how ever you want lets him know exactly what you want, while still putting the decision completely in his hands. It also flatters him somewhat so he will be more likely to accept in my opinion. Assuming you dont want to have a continueing relationship with this dom after this experiance make sure to include in the note somewhere that it would only be for the purposes of this experiance. 

(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: asking - 8/26/2008 3:39:50 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I would say its you, not a girl thing or a submissive thing.
My only suggestion is if you have a problem asking for anything or communicating, you will never make any relationship succeed.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: asking - 8/26/2008 3:42:26 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Nice to see the positivity in the.darknesses' post :P However i kinda agree, you need to be able to ask for stuff its an important part of communicating and to me it sounds like you have some serious self confidence issues! You need to work on that before you can function in a relationship, and it is something you can work on but you have to want to change, believing that its part of being a good sub is rather concerning

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(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: asking - 8/26/2008 3:46:28 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Pffft... ya know me .colouredinone. ever the pessimist.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: asking - 8/26/2008 4:47:38 AM   
Alumbrado


Posts: 5560
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite

i dont know if its a 'girl' thing or a 'sub' thing but i hate asking.  as in there's a dom i know as in hey how are you, and i know his name - he has a toy i want to experience and i've hinted really hard at it but i can't come out and ask.   it just feels 'wrong' to me - like i'm asking for something i have no right to ask for, like i'm imposing.   its the kind of thing like you'd never a casual co-worker to drive your sick mother to the doctor for you -- its just not 'right'

a couple friends of mine -male doms - can not fathom this at all and think i'm silly.

i know its accepted in 'the life' but its just not who i am at all....  i envy those who have a dominant to handle that protocol for them


You wouldn't be wrong to ask, as long as you didn't get upset at being told 'No Thanks', but if you are reluctant, why can't one of your friends just ask him?

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: asking - 8/26/2008 5:08:39 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I can ask for anything I want, doesn't mean I will get it. He cannot read my mind and doesn't know when I am interested in something unless I tell him. Just in a respectful way tell him that you are interested in trying something and go from there. It is a two way street.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: asking - 8/26/2008 5:57:17 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		It isn't a 'girl' thing... ask any of the Dommes on here, you will find they don't have any problem asking.

It isn't a sub thing, there are many on here whohave no problem articulating their wants.

It is a lack of confidence thing and the BEST thing any Dom is able to do is work with you to raise your confidence and help you get over the problem rather than perpetuating the problem by having you rely on Them the whole time. For one thing, even the best Dom in the world isn't a mind reader, We don't know EXACTLY what you want unless you COMMUNICATE.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: asking - 8/26/2008 6:02:35 AM   
nhite


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline 		i can and do and will ask for things - nay even demand them -- however i have levels of comfort in asking [just like in my original example which should not convey into a communications problem in relationships]

would i go to the cubicle next to mine and ask the person to borrow $4,000 when i only casually know them?  no i would not

would i go to my very best friend that i walk into her home without calling first and ask to borrow money?  yes i would

its not a problem in communicating needs at all - its more a "suitability" kind of thing.   it feels very much to me like i am imposing on someone that i only know casually to use his toy on me.  

i know - its a norm for this part of society; its what everyone does;    

but its really uncomfortable for ME to impose on others that are only passing acquaintenances

maybe its a consideration thing then...    i see it with moms all the time when with a group they ask someone to hold the baby so they can go pee;  they feel they are imposing

< Message edited by nhite -- 8/26/2008 6:05:03 AM >

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: asking - 8/26/2008 6:29:32 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Speaking as a Dom. I have been asked a lot of times. Ask and if the Dom says no do not take it personaly. He could have a lot of other things going on at the time. It could also be that you are not the type of person he is looking for. Whatever. If it is a yes enjoy. If a no move on.

(in reply to nhite)
Profile   Post #: 16
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