Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

A question on limits...


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> A question on limits... Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
A question on limits... - 8/25/2008 9:14:24 PM   
MercTech


Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline 		I've met an interesting person with plenty of vanilla interests in common.
I consider myself a well informed novice. 
Her desires in BDSM include things way outside my experience and comfort level with my current skills.

From me, "Needle play and cutting is a bit out of my comfort zone.  And nailing teats to a board is just not going to happen with my hands."

From her, "I just might need someone around that will keep my playtime more sane."

What I'm asking for is some advice on how to approach divergent play limits with someone you have a lot of mutual interests and chemistry with.  Is there anyone on the forums with past experience dealing with such a situation?

Stefan
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A question on limits... - 8/25/2008 9:25:44 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I don't know if you want to hear from a submissive, but I'll put my two cents in anyway.

Submissives stretch their limits all the time for Dominants who have more extreme tastes.  I'm not suggesting you should do something you don't feel confident about, but maybe view your divergent limits as an opportunity to expand.  I think if all couples started out with the exact same level of limits, the relationship would get very boring very quickly.  I'm not sure how Dominants feel about that or if it's a different mindset, but I'd never want to be with someone who was at my same level because that would keep me stagnant.  Maybe look at this as an opportunity to gradually try some new things with someone you have great chemistry with and trust.  I've heard some Doms say that they have learned an awful lot from more experienced submissives. 

Good luck with it, whatever you decide.

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: A question on limits... - 8/25/2008 9:32:26 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I wouldn't try to make a go of a relationship, where, your main interest and hers are so far apart and something you'd have problems with doing. It makes for a great recipe for disaster and hurt feelings and misunderstandings, but not for good relationships.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech

I've met an interesting person with plenty of vanilla interests in common.
I consider myself a well informed novice. 
Her desires in BDSM include things way outside my experience and comfort level with my current skills.

From me, "Needle play and cutting is a bit out of my comfort zone.  And nailing teats to a board is just not going to happen with my hands."

From her, "I just might need someone around that will keep my playtime more sane."

What I'm asking for is some advice on how to approach divergent play limits with someone you have a lot of mutual interests and chemistry with.  Is there anyone on the forums with past experience dealing with such a situation?

Stefan

(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: A question on limits... - 8/25/2008 11:54:18 PM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		Look for creative substitutes.  If she's more extreme than you, then you have to be more unpredictable within your own limits.  Setup is key... and momentum. 

Also, MarieToo is right.  Even if she does give good acid indigestion. (talk about your taglines...)

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: A question on limits... - 8/26/2008 3:04:01 AM   
Tetron


Posts: 48
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline 		Well the first thing I would do is find things outside your comfort zone that dont cause damage and begin to work your way up to them to see how you feel about the progression. You may find that you trully enjoy them, but the idea of the final destination simply scared you away. For instance if your submissive wants you to whip them, but you find you have no taste for it, start with something like spankings, and work your way up from your hand, to a paddle, etc, until you hit a point where you cant go further, if that happens let them know you can proceed down that line, at least not until things change for you. Start exploring in your mind those things that go beyond your comfort zone and identify the part of yourself that is against them and why it is that way. See if it is merely that society thinks its bad, or its just not right, or if its actually something you trully dislike. As far as things that are just so outside your experiance they are worrysome, just try them, as long as its not something that gives you discomfort to think about because of the action itself trying them can cause you no harm. 

(in reply to DMFParadox)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: A question on limits... - 8/26/2008 3:10:13 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with the above posters, firstly you dont have to do anything you dont want to do, your limits are your own, if its a confidence thing then as marie said this could be a great oppourtunity for you to lear, when you first started riding a bike were you confident? nope someone had to teach you with a lot of the activities involved its like that, also many D types will be willing to help you with safty etc if you go to demos and what not. The only real problem would be whether the submissive herself wants to take on this kind of role whether its something she feels she can do, you will have to ask her about that. But either way, good luck.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Tetron)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: A question on limits... - 8/26/2008 5:28:54 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Firstly, don't worry about it, relax. If You start to view it as a 'problem' then it WILL become one.

Second, don't try to be something You are not. Sure explore Your Own comfort zones, but don't push Yourself into areas You don't want to go, leave that for the service Tops. If You are not doing this because YOU want to then she will be able to tell and it could effect the Dynamic negativly!

Third, if she has needs, cravings or even wants that You are inclinde to indulge BUT they are outside of Your comfort zone. There are plenty of other options, look to the scene in Your area, find skilled people who YOU trust for whom that kind of play is what they enjoy. Many will happily indulge Your girl JUST for that kind of play... Quite happyto work within any limits You need to set.... They get to enjoy a form of play They like and (importantly) They respect Your Dynamic (If they don't, then they are NOT people you can trust), You get to enjoy Your girls reactions and her grattitude for such a treat and Your girl gets a craving scratched that she wouldn't otherwise get.

I am needle phobic, I'll happily do cutting et al, but needles, no! My girl happens to enjoy needles. We live in the heart of one of the most active and vibrant scenes in the world here in London. I have a number of peers who I know well and trust their skill and safety with needles. I have arranged that at some mutualy convenient point, My friend ArianDom will be doing needles on metalmiss. A situation that benifits all of Us.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: A question on limits... - 8/26/2008 6:06:10 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Do research and then more research.  I had a slave that was into cutting.  I went to the local munches, talked with people who were skilled at this, read up on it both online and in published books, found out the safest ways to do it AND ways to make it appear that you were doing more damage than you were.  Sometimes it is much more about the titillation than the actual act.  As an example with the cutting, you might show them a knife and then actually use a butter knife behind their back.  They get the thrill that they are looking for (unless they are truly intense) and you know that things are perfectly safe.

I firmly believe in the rule that many follow that no Dom/me should try something on another until they try it on themselves.  I cut my own skin to learn the pressure that needs to be applies, whether it was easier moving in one direction than another, etc.  (Even with something as simple as nipple clips it is best to try them on yourself first.  I thought I had found the perfect pair but found that when I removed them after 20 minutes that they pulled skin off with them.) 

If she has desires the two of you need to talk about them and you need to decide which are in your comfort zone.  If your hard limit is that you never want to draw blood then you should let her know that.  There should be workarounds.


_____________________________



(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: A question on limits... - 8/26/2008 8:07:57 AM   
MercTech


Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline 		I did a lot of thinking last night.
Considering where my limits lie.

Skewers and nails are well outside the limits.
Needles... I so associate needles with trauma units and injuries I really squick at using them for play.  Picking one up kicks me into icewater emotions professional mode.
But, I think a double row of hog rings for temporary piercings with a pretty lacing of bright colored satin ribbons just might be interesting.

When we next get some fact to face time I think I should find out if she would be interested in some other things I do find interesting.... where did I put that violet wand?

And, I do have to wonder if someone that likes the idea of knife play would enjoy a spanking with the flat of a rapier... odd idea in the wee hours of the morning.

Stefan

(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: A question on limits... - 8/26/2008 8:21:22 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		She wants cake when you got brownies. Tell her to suck it up and enjoy the fact that she's getting something sweet. Over time, enough brownies will become a cake. Stay together and you'll grow together with an understanding and be haplily content.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: A question on limits... - 8/26/2008 9:04:41 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Well now Raven and Fangs pretty much summed up what I was gonna say. With their own twist that is.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to FangsNfeet)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: A question on limits... - 8/26/2008 4:44:58 PM   
Redladymidnight


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/7/2008
Status: offline 		I think if she is willing to work side by side with you no matter where it ends up, that there is really no worries. I think if you ask her she would tone down that part for just a really good spanking.

(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: A question on limits... - 8/27/2008 10:57:55 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		From her, "I just might need someone around that will keep my playtime more sane."

Well, the obvious question in my mind is how much do you want the life responsibliity of a partner who apparently cannot police her own boundaries of sanity?

(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: A question on limits... - 8/27/2008 12:13:09 PM   
Gr33nT0p


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline 		from somen who has recently learned to test other limits my own and others I could only say from experience that joining a local group to speak with other like minded or at least open minded individuals is a great way to start.  Asking the question to get differing opinionis is a solid place to begin as well in stretching your thoughs and limitations.  If for no other reason seek training and more education and who knows it may take you down a path that when you were simply experimenting with this one you never thought you would be here...
Enjoy the ride for the view is Awesome.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: A question on limits... - 8/27/2008 6:27:53 PM   
dueno


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/2/2008
Status: offline 		In teaching we use the expression "start with the familiar and build from there."
Try working with what is comfortable for both of you, then start trying the new...
Some things will work and others won't, but eventually you will have a set of items you can work with...
My experience has been that many limits change as trust develops.

(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: A question on limits... - 8/27/2008 6:28:22 PM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		What Raven said is pretty much what I was going to say.

Sir and I have a lot of similarities but he had things that I had thought I would never do, and I want things that squick him out. I have willing attempted almost all the things he enjoyes and found that things that were limits are now things that even if I dont enjoy I can at least participate in (sometimes with a little  coercion).

But I am keen on learning about knives/needles and to an extent blood and this freaks him out so we play at times with the whole knife in the freezer thing and a few other things that appease that desire and when we get the chance we have another Dom friend who is happy to indulge the whole needle fetish.

But if otherwise the chemisrty is there I think it is so worth giving it a go and working on it and comprimising

(in reply to Gr33nT0p)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: A question on limits... - 9/24/2008 3:37:17 AM   
tweedydaddy


Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		If she is being submissive to you, then she should accept YOUR limits ,and carving people up,  may not be one of them. To expect you to go into bloodplay without allowing you to aclimatise yourself to it, is not reasonable, Maybe she needa firm spanking for being so damned forward?

(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: A question on limits... - 9/24/2008 7:21:14 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		baby steps... tis all consensual, trusting and very much a two way thing or we clearly would not be doing this


< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 9/24/2008 7:22:52 AM >

(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: A question on limits... - 9/25/2008 7:04:25 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		I have learned a great deal from subs whose desires differed from mine. It's give and take, set limits, but be flexible. Try stuff, methinks.

And the thing about the vanilla interests - figure out what you want. BDSM is BDSM, and vanilla is vanilla, and if the connection was BDSM then that is what the lady wants.

(in reply to MercTech)
Profile   Post #: 19
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> A question on limits... Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109