Is a sub seeking attention/play irritating?

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Is a sub seeking attention/play irritating? - 8/26/2008 8:03:10 PM

fermat5

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I am new to D/s relationships and S&M play and not sure how to go about these things. The closest thing I can equate it to is a traditional relationship. I have started serving a domme and have seen her once to meet, and once to serve. I am desperate to serve again. In a traditional relationship, when courting I would take the initiative to set up a future encounter, but in this case I feel I have to tread lightly so as not to annoy her with my advances. Am I to assume she is completely in control and I should wait patiently until she calls upon me again for service? Is it ever appropriate for the sub to get things going?

I also would like to exchange more correspondence from her, to ask her how I can serve her better, how I can improve, what she likes but again I fear my inquisitiveness would be irritating and I am better off saying nothing. I feel like I should be a good boy by just waiting and not bore her with my questions or feelings. I just do not know how to proceed and yet the waiting and uncertainity of whether or not I will have the privilege to serve again is unbearable. Any feedback please?

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RE: Is a sub seeking attention/play irritating? - 8/26/2008 8:45:38 PM

RumpusParable

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As with non-pe relationships, you need to just ride that line between showing initiative/eagerness and being annoying/overbearing. And, just like "traditional" relationships, where that line is varies per partner, per relationship, and per moment/era of that relationship.

Basically, just like any other relationship you need to balance being yourself with getting to know your partner. You'll either find your compatible in these ways or not.

Personally, I like someone eager and active and showing initiative in their service, so long as there is no doubt that I am in charge ultimately. I'm a very "Ask me questions, tell me your interests, suggest ways to be useful, offer times available" sort as long as the dynamic is clear and I feel the sub/slave is well aware that it's my place to say "yes", "no", "maybe", and "shut up". ;)

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RE: Is a sub seeking attention/play irritating? - 8/26/2008 8:46:41 PM

MaamJay

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I would write to Her telling Her how very much you enjoyed the opportunity to serve Her, that you hope you served Her well, that you would appreciate any feedback She has on your performance and that you would appreciate another opportunity if She should choose to grant it.

After that, don't nag.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Is a sub seeking attention/play irritating? - 8/26/2008 9:12:21 PM

AAkasha

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Make sure your follow up communication with her includes at least a ratio of 2:1 for normal talk/questions vs. kinky. Ask her about her hobbies, mutual interests you share, etc. Relentless follow up from subs who just seem to want more play starts to feel objectifying. Treat her like a lady. Ask if you can take her out to lunch and just talk - not play. Let her initiate the play.

I think a safe rule of thumb for a sub, unless vibes dictate otherwise, pursue/court a femdom as you would ANY lady. That means yes, you do have to take initiative. You have to ask her out. You have to follow up. However, leave the KINK side of it to her. Let her take the lead in that realm. Don't always be the one to bring it up. Have your follow up be mostly about her as a person. She'll set the tone for how kinky the exchange may be.

If it's a potentially romantic situation evolving, court her as you would any lady in a romantic sense.

Akasha

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RE: Is a sub seeking attention/play irritating? - 8/26/2008 9:49:36 PM

Coupleofwhats

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You know when a submissive annoys me?
When he doesn't listen to what I say or pay attention to how I do things.

All of the necessary cues on how to treat a dominant woman are there in her interactions with you, in her personality, in her play style. If something eludes you, it's not bad to come out and be honest about your confusion. (It just might come across charming!)

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RE: Is a sub seeking attention/play irritating? - 8/27/2008 7:19:22 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay

I would write to Her telling Her how very much you enjoyed the opportunity to serve Her, that you hope you served Her well, that you would appreciate any feedback She has on your performance and that you would appreciate another opportunity if She should choose to grant it.

After that, don't nag.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

I think this is almost perfect advice.

I don't think any advice from strangers can be perfect but this is very general and applicable to many people.

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RE: Is a sub seeking attention/play irritating? - 8/27/2008 10:01:47 PM

LadySunn

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I get annoyed by the sub who knows what I like and want but says"I'll try"but they can't seem to "do".

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RE: Is a sub seeking attention/play irritating? - 8/28/2008 3:10:04 AM

MaamJay

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Thank you Tammyjo ... that means a great deal coming from someone whose advice I admire!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Is a sub seeking attention/play irritating? - 8/28/2008 8:03:19 AM

Queen4cucky

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I am new to the forum's but I would say Maam Jay's advice is about as good as it gets...

Other then that, for goodness sake, don't write to her with a long list of things you've been thinking that you'd like her to do to you, it makes a Lady feel as she is there for nothing other then to pander to your whims, when you should be pandering to hers.

Maybe (and this is only going off my own preferences) offer to escort her to the theatre, or to dinner, behave as a perfect gentleman, pay for everything, open doors, take her coat etc, it is still showing your submissive nature, but it's not specifically a play session

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