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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 2:19:23 AM   
RumpusParable


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quote:

ORIGINAL: winoverme

Is my preference not to tell it legitimate? I hope i'm in the right forum section this time to post this..I presently am in two worlds totally at the extreme at both ends..I stay comfortable in the "normal" world, but it's not enough...I know i belong more and more in the BDSM world of lifestyle. But can these two possibilities stay away from each other, not having to reunite them? I doubt i will ever feel comfortable or sure enough of myself to finally appear like i am (ex: wearing a collar in public)...Any suggestions will be more than welcomed...


There's no reason, beyond your own preferences, to share your BDSM interests with others who you don't feel like sharing with.  There's no rule you have to be overt or "out".

However, there does seem to be a discomfort in you about the keeping of them so very separate... and also, even if you intermix them there's no reason that "being out" needs to include such things as wearing a collar in public or even that you tell every person you know.  It just means you're no longer actively hiding it; you share it or don't on the same basis as any other aspect of your life.

You don't have to be "out", but if you choose to be what way you live while "out" is still entirely up to you.

Personally, I never had a "coming out" because I never had a time of being "in the closet".  

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 2:39:03 AM   
MaamJay


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Out of 3 people in My immediate family, only My sister (who has her own alt lifestyle) knows. It's not an issue as My brother is in UK and My Mum across Australia. None of Master's family knows, they live 300km away (by our plan!). When I was married to a sub hub, his family (also in UK) didn't know. However, we did take a few very close vanilla friends into our confidence because we trusted them enough to want to be ourselves around them (so he wouldn't have to worry about calling Me Ma'am by accident in front of them for eg). We said there was something we wanted to share but only if they wanted to know. They agreed to know, and we focused very much on the psychological aspects of D/s NOT the kinky sex thing. We also made it clear that submissive does not equal weak, that it actually takes strength of character to submit your will to another. They asked a lot of excellent and intelligent questions about it at the time, thereafter, it was a non-issue. They were comfortable enough with it to attend his collaring ceremony. And they also saw that he wasn't living up to it which meant that they understood why the relationship eventually broke up. They were even able to accept the arrival of Master, our attempt at poly and understand why I am now with Him and looking for another sub. We feel privileged to have such great vanilla friends! While I am close to some work colleagues, their knowing would put them in an impossible position because of the nature of the job, so best not to tell them! Might be something I would share with 1 or 2 of them when I have safely retired! i wear my sub collar always ... it's a bracelet. My sub hub wore his ... it was an anklet easily hidden under trousers. It's quite possible to be content in this lifestyle without flaunting it in everyone's face.

This personal story highlights that:
* you don't have to blurt it out to everyone
* you should carefully choose who to tell
* you should consider whether they want to know or need to know
* think about the possible conflict of interest you put them in by knowing
* think about what you tell ... it doesn't have to be the bedroom info which isn't anyone else's business
* there are ways to live this life authentically without flaunting it and involving public who haven't consented to be involved

Maam Jay aka violet[A]


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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 2:43:40 AM   
colouredin


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FR,

I didnt/dont really see it as coming out. But for me yeah its something I tell people and there are reasons for that, I live with my father and im 22 ive never been one to hide things from dad i always tell him where i am going when i go out just because to me its courtasy its his house, if a 30+ year old comes to pick me up dad gets a bit worried he knows that I use the internet fairly regulalrly but he paniced. I thought it was better to openly talk about it because otherwise he what he thought was happening would have been a lot worse than reality, my mother didnt react as well but thats life, most people who know are really cool about it. For me when something is such a huge part of who you are why would you hide it from the people you love? Its not comparable to whether a vanilla person likes 69's in my opinion it runs a bit deeper than that. Its not something I am in any way ashamed of and to be honest secrecy breeds misunderstanding which breeds bigotry and stigmatism, id rather not have that in my life.

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 4:12:28 AM   
badlilthang


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my little input:

  • i have told very few - but the ones i have told i can trust with anything and everything.
  • i do not have any (close) family left on my side - smiles - so no need to involve anyone.
  • my personal life is my personal life - i do not expect my friends to tell me about their marriage and how they have sex - why should i tell them?
  • wearing a collar in public is not such a problem. Does not have to be a heavy leather one - might as well be a necklace with a pendant and His initials on - a bracelet with charms - telling a story..etc..think outside the box.
  • i also have a son i need to think about - and his needs/life comes before my own. He is a special need kid - so i do not really need to add to his confusion - MOM is MOM  - and to any child - parents are non sexual beings...well, until they grow up and know better..lol...
wondering if this made any sense at all..lol


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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 4:28:22 AM   
Aileen1968


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The only people in my life who know are the ones that have had the privilege of doing very nasty things to me.    Otherwise...it's no one else's business.  I'm kinda private like that.

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 4:29:03 AM   
eyesopened


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I have not 'come out' to anyone.  I have a collar I wear that is a silver choker and what it means to us is between us.  Currently my youngest is living with us until he can put together the money necessary to get his own place.  He sees me 'slave' every day to take care of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc etc,, He sees me take off my Master's boots when He gets home from work, he sees me sit at my Master's feet, and is witness to the fact that Master is treated like more than a king in His castle.  I fail to see how the relationship between Master and me would be enhanced by telling my offspring, "oh by the way, when you aren't around He ties your mother up, puts a hood over her head and does vile things to her that causes her to physically suffer for His pleasure."  Nope, can't see how that would benefit the relationship in the least.  Everything I do, I do to serve the Relationship. Period.

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 11:02:21 AM   
NuevaVida


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It has been a slow and gradual process but pretty much all of my close friends know this about me, as do a few select family members.  I shared for no other reason than wanting them to know me, and to ease their minds about some of the nuances of my former relationship.  All have been very accepting.  Some have had concerns and asked questions, which I answer to alleviate those concerns.  I am careful about what I share - no need to put more information on them than they want to hear.  One friend said, "OMG I do that, too!"  Ha.


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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 11:14:38 AM   
FRSguy


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I'm out for the most part.  I dont throw it around but if someone asks me about sex I tell them what I am into.  This is partly because I have had several "vanilla" woman show interest in me and when I dont return there offerings they get more and more intense in ther flirting department (I'm talking mainly the workplace).  Eventually I am cornered and they ask if I am interested and I explain to them how I am in my personal life and why it wouldnt be compatible. For me its allmost imposible to have vanilla sex and I dont really get much enjoyment out of it so you might say I come with a warning lable "Caution: If you are getting fucked by this guy and are not bsdm orientated you will be tossed around like a rag doll and hurt!"  I actually dont like hurting people so I stay away from those that are not into extream sex because I find they cant handle even the basics.
As far as family is concerned again they know. We dont talk about it but  I know one of my stepums have found my little collection and I dont think they have ever asked there mother why the whipping sounds are filtering down stairs.
In short I think of it as one of those things where most of the vanillas that are in my life just have to take me on a non sexual basis and relise that I am just not out to fuck them and am compleatly incompatible.  They know better than to ask me how to treat a woman and they also know that you shouldnt ever ask me what is the secret to a successful reltionship because my number one answer to woman who ask me this is "get on your knees and do what you are told"...lol yeah life is more complicated than that but in some ways it really isnt.
Anyways, if they dont like how I treat woman they are invited out of my life...lol When I am told I am a "perv"  I can usually point out things that they have done that are much worse.  

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 5:31:07 PM   
stella41b


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From my own perspective and experience I would only 'come out' if I'm fully prepared to accept the full negative consequences of this and also live with the fact that I've stigmatized myself through an unnecessary label.

Why do you need to tell all and sundry? Why not let them be, come here, make new friends, and give people the choice whether to ignore, work it out for themselves or ask?

BDSM is just a part of life, an element of human social interaction, it's not something like Zen Buddhism, and nobody else here is under any more obligation to accept you and your kinks than the neighbours who live in your street. Of course this doesn't rule out the chance of finding people who share your interests, but this isn't any sort of fairytale kingdom.

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 5:52:20 PM   
MzMia


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Mich, Mich, Mich!
You are so sweet, I am blushing.

I am not sure I want to be over-powered!
Let me know when I can over power YOU, that's

when the fun begins!

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To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 6:04:53 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


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I've never made it a point to hide who I am and what I do, but surprisingly enough, after over 20 years of involvement with this and other alternative lifestyles, and 10 years of active participation in BDSM, M/s, and FemDom (not all at the same time.... I spent a couple of years as a top, then a blood-bodymod bottom, then 4 years in a TPE collar 'earning' my crop, then 2 years as a 'probationary' domina in our household, and 2 years as a full dominant member of the household). In all of that time, with all of those experiences, the only thing that anyone knew about me that was outside the 'mainstream' was that I was tattooed and pierced, and that I was in a poly, and later a same-gender familial relationship. People wouldn't even have known about the poly and same-gen if I hadn't brought my beloveds to work and family events as my 'mates'. This is despite the fact that I am a pastoral care provider in the community -outside- of my corporate working-world job, and 'on call' virtually any hour of the day or night.

These days, I work in a corporate world, in a position of responsibility. People that I work with know about my Darling, but I would -never- try to hide her, or my feelings for her... other than that, nobody outside of those with whom I've actively -chosen- to share my practices with has ever discovered my 'secrets'. I don't rub what I am in people's faces, and my relationships are all consensual, which means that unless someone consents to participating, I don't share what I'm doing with them.

There is no reason to -have- to come out... with one exception. If you are married or in a committed relationship, and your dominant or submissive partner is not the person you're participating with, you -do-, I think, have a responsibility to share your plan to explore with that committed partner (or those committed partners if you are poly).

If someone asked me, straight up, I would answer honestly, but I don't tend to 'overshare', and I'm completely out of the 'office gossip pool', I don't do activities or get emails or such through my work accounts about what I do outside of work, so I haven't really had to deal with a whole lot of people that I didn't want to know getting the 411 on my experiences.

Just my nickel's worth.

Calla Firestorm

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 8/28/2008 6:06:17 PM >


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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/28/2008 9:12:55 PM   
sassylady53


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My husband and I are alittle different. Two of our three sons were kinky before we were.  We all came out to each other at the same time. Infact our middle son
introduced us to our first Munch. Our youngest is kink aware and thinking about going kinky. Our middle son went to Kinky Kolledge in Chiacgo with us.
Also the three of us were at a Play Party together. We got a wow!! from some of his friends that were when they found out that, yes, we are his parents and kinky as well.
We are also Poly. The boys have met my husbands collared sub.
I came out to my eighty-one year old Mom on being kinky and Poly. It went very well. My closest friend doesn't know. My husband and I were Mormons. My friend still is.
I don't know how she would take the kinky part, and I diffently wouldn't tell her that I'm Poly.

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/29/2008 6:07:40 AM   
Maya2001


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In past vanilla relationships I enjoyed oral , anal and occasional restraint  ..never felt a desire to discuss with others what I did in private with my relationship partner... I have told my adult son ,,since he does have more access to the house and could stumble  across some of my toys/.equipment  for example when I was hospitalized and he was looking after the house and dogs but I do not discuss the details of what I do, nor would I expect him to share his personal sex life details  with me   my friends and family are aware  only that I am dating ...lol the only one that tends to ask questions is my dad ...as it bothers him that I have not remarried after my divorce 28 years ago ...and feels I need someone to take control and look after me  ...right now I have to tell him nothing is to that serious  yet.....but I am sure he would be thrilled with the outward appearance of seeing me in an D/s or M/s relationship and feel I am properly being taken care of .. as he has always thought I should be in a 50's style relationship.  so seeing me interacting submissively toward someone would have him thinking I finally have things right for once in my life and the relationship would most likely  have his blessing  ... where none of my past relationships had his approval ...so I do find some comedy in that thought 

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/29/2008 7:17:16 PM   
sassylady53


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From: Minnesota
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What was cool is that we had our floggers hanging up in the bedroom.  Also it lead to some great discussions.
Just things about the Lifestyle in general. I have a sub and I am trying to find a second. So, the middle son
keeps saying,"Mom, I am so proud of you. You have discovered boys." I just grin.

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/30/2008 12:56:52 AM   
DesFIP


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I am in a conventional lifestyle. I still see my friends, still go to the grocery store dressed like I did before. I am the same person I ever was, the difference is that now that I am in a personally fulfilling relationship, I am happier.

And that's what my family and friends see, that I'm happy and that we are happy together. And since these are people who love me, that's what concerns them - whether or not I am happy. When he asks me to get him a cup of tea, I say "Sure, honey" and do so with no fuss or muss. When I see his cup is empty, I ask him if he wants another. Because it isn't something I feel the need to draw attention to, nobody else pays attention to it. What they do notice is that when I get it for him, he smiles and thanks me, puts his arm around me to bring me closer. What they see, and care about, is not the trappings of the relationship but that we are obviously both fulfilled and happy.

I have no reason to go into details about the unspoken expectations in my relationship, anymore than they feel the need to go into the unspoken expectations of theirs.

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/30/2008 10:10:53 AM   
MzMia


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I am in a conventional lifestyle. I still see my friends, still go to the grocery store dressed like I did before. I am the same person I ever was, the difference is that now that I am in a personally fulfilling relationship, I am happier.

And that's what my family and friends see, that I'm happy and that we are happy together. And since these are people who love me, that's what concerns them - whether or not I am happy. When he asks me to get him a cup of tea, I say "Sure, honey" and do so with no fuss or muss. When I see his cup is empty, I ask him if he wants another. Because it isn't something I feel the need to draw attention to, nobody else pays attention to it. What they do notice is that when I get it for him, he smiles and thanks me, puts his arm around me to bring me closer. What they see, and care about, is not the trappings of the relationship but that we are obviously both fulfilled and happy.

I have no reason to go into details about the unspoken expectations in my relationship, anymore than they feel the need to go into the unspoken expectations of theirs.


This is exactly how I feel! 
My father re-married a woman 23 years ago that is very outspoken and controlling.
To call her intelligent and abrasive, critical and overbaring would NOT be a stretch.
I have witnessed her speaking strongly to him and other people for years.
 
I used to wonder why he married a woman with such a STRONG and over-powering personality!
When I was younger, I wondered why he married such a controlling bitch?
If she asks for something, he jumps on and gets it, he washes the dishes, if she asks him-
he does it {at least when I am around}.
Last time I was over there, she yelled at him loudly and he just sat there, I believed he smiled.
At this point, I just fucking laugh-it amuses me.
It took me years to realize, my daddy loves this woman and enjoys her.
He tends to be mild mannered and rather quiet.

Guess what? She has taken great care of him in sickness and in health for over 23 years

and he loves the hell out of that woman.
I have no idea what goes on in their intimate times together{I would not be surprised if she beats him, spanks him, and ties him to the bed}, all I know is he is
my daddy and she loves me and she treats me as kindly as her own daughter.
I want the people I love to be happy.
The people that love me want to see me happy.
That is what is important in my life.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 8/30/2008 10:19:46 AM >


_____________________________

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To Each His/Her Own
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What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/30/2008 10:20:46 AM   
thetammyjo


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First point: Who says that wearing a collar in public is the same as either being yourself or being out?

Lots of folks wear collars to shock or as fashion; the collars have no value beyond the meaning the dynamic place on them.

Second point: Being out is about being unashamed about who you are AND being able to risk any consequents of being yourself.

I publish erotica and book reviews, I use my real name here, I have a public website, I never shy away when I'm asked about my poly kinky household and we do not hide.. I consider myself to be very very out.

I don't walk around carrying a flogger or even flagging. I don't introduce myself as a dom or a sadist to random people. I don't expect anything beyond basic respect and the potential to earn more power and authority through my skills and personality. I tell people as much as they ask for, as much as frankly is there damned business. Some folks might say that is being in the closet and I think those folks are full of crap.

You do not need to flaunt yourself or put on airs to be out. Being out is just being you and accepting any fall out from that which may come your way.

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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/30/2008 10:39:38 AM   
MzMia


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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
First point: Who says that wearing a collar in public is the same as either being yourself or being out?

Lots of folks wear collars to shock or as fashion; the collars have no value beyond the meaning the dynamic place on them.

Second point: Being out is about being unashamed about who you are AND being able to risk any consequents of being yourself.

I publish erotica and book reviews, I use my real name here, I have a public website, I never shy away when I'm asked about my poly kinky household and we do not hide.. I consider myself to be very very out.

I don't walk around carrying a flogger or even flagging. I don't introduce myself as a dom or a sadist to random people. I don't expect anything beyond basic respect and the potential to earn more power and authority through my skills and personality. I tell people as much as they ask for, as much as frankly is there damned business. Some folks might say that is being in the closet and I think those folks are full of crap.

You do not need to flaunt yourself or put on airs to be out. Being out is just being you and accepting any fall out from that which may come your way.


Wonderful post Tammy!
The only time I really watch myself is at work, for professional reasons.
When I am "off work" I don't have different personalities.
I am always ME.
If I bring a submissive mate around my family or friends, it is no big deal, because
we are always ourselves.

Of course, I am not bringing a flogger to dinner with my family, wearing a corset, and my submissive won't go out socially dressed in a g-string.

 We are always US, when we go home and go into our bedrooms, what we do is our busines.
I don't "get" this elitist special crap that many of this lifestyle spew.
Vanilla people "gasp" have sex, have kinky sex, purchase toys and do all manner of shit.

Unless you are in this "lifestyle" only to wear fetish attire and "scene", I don't get it.
I don't see anything to "come" out about.
The only thing I worry or wonder about is someone stumbling across my "toys" if I get sick or die.  I plan to write a note don't saying don't worry about my little "items", I am only human, I can be a little kinky, and girls just wanna have fun. 

< Message edited by MzMia -- 8/30/2008 10:47:21 AM >


_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/30/2008 10:41:32 AM   
Maxwell67


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*FR*
It took me some 20+ years of very private play before I finally came out to myself and admitted that yes, in fact I am a dominant.  The sadism part was easier, for some reason.  My history is a bit twisted since I had a slave when I was in college as well, and it was no secret to anyone living in my dormitory, but I never thought of myself as a Dominant, just a guy who had snagged a really kinky gf.  I suppose I was 'out' at that point, but not to myself.  That happened only recently and it was a life-altering moment for me.  Nowadays some of our very closest friends know it.  A few strangers may have seen me leading Mine around on her leash in the clothing optional campground where we sometimes play, but even there, we try to be relatively discrete.  It is not our intention to freak people out.  We simply want to let loose and be ourselves for a little while while enjoying the great outdoors.


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RE: Has everyone id the BDSM lifestyle made a "com... - 8/30/2008 10:54:15 AM   
MzMia


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I enjoy going to "vanilla" message boards and chat rooms, sometimes.

The freaky vanilla people are talking about subjects like: bisexuality, group sex,
swinging, nudity, whips and chains, role playing, sex toys, etc.
I am sure many of these people do not feel the need to "come out" to most of the
people in their lives.
 
Why do people in our lifestyle think we are the only perverts around?
Many people would be really surprised, what other people do.
The freakiest people in the world, are the ones you would least suspect.


< Message edited by MzMia -- 8/30/2008 11:01:00 AM >


_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Maxwell67)
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