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Advice needed - 8/27/2008 11:28:53 PM

solospirit

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/27/2008
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I have been at CM before, so it may look like I have only one post, but this is not my first time posting here.

I have met someone on CM, although so far it has only been online conversations and a couple of phone calls. We have had some very intense and intimate conversations and I've found myself falling for him. But I have started seeing some "flags" that make me believe he may be lying to me. (Gee, the internet and a man lying to a woman!?!? Shocking!) I would prefer not to hear about how this is the internet, caveat emptor and all that. I'm well aware of the pitfalls of engaging in a relationship that begins online and hasn't progressed to a face to face meeting. What I would like to know is if I should confront him. This relationship is still fairly new and fragile and I don't want to bring mistrust into it. But I know I could either accept what he says and feel uneasy, wondering if I'm wasting my time and my heart, or confront him, risk being wrong and possibly lose what could end up being the best thing in my life.

So, if any of you have been in my position, have you ever had it work out? Have you ever had the sense someone you connect with online is lying and then find out you were entirely wrong? Or have your instincts always been right? I've been down this road before and it's never been positive, so I feel my perspective may be a bit skewed. If anyone can offer advice as to how I might move forward, I would surely appreciate it.

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RE: Advice needed - 8/27/2008 11:38:13 PM

ElectraGlide

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I would confront the things you dont believe. You said you might loose the best thing in your life, it could be the worst thing in your life, if this person is a liar. It is easy to connect online and the phone with somebody, but the real test is how you interact in person. Keep the phone conversations going longer then you wanted too. You might catch more inconsistencies.

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RE: Advice needed - 8/27/2008 11:46:41 PM

E2Sweet

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Generally, I find being up front and straight-forward, without actually launching into full on attack mode saves me the most time when I have to deal with a suspected liar. Calm and collected confrontation is the key.

..and one other thing... Often times when you're dealing with someone you suspect is not being entirely truthful, its not so much what they say but how they react when you confront them... Gauging his reaction and otherwise watching/listening to how he responds may tell you a great deal. If you're one of those people that is able to pick up on these sorts of cues, then I'm sure you know what I mean...

Sorry there's not much more I can offer from my experiences, but this method really has worked well for me.

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RE: Advice needed - 8/28/2008 5:17:12 AM

atursvcMaam

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imho, red flags pop up for a reason. i have gotten in more trouble by ignoring them rather than by heeding them. just a thought.

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RE: Advice needed - 8/28/2008 5:38:21 AM

sophia37

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Confront confront confront. Or, drop the guy and move on ASAP.

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RE: Advice needed - 8/28/2008 5:43:50 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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Do not confront.

Be an adult and voice your thoughts constructively. Communicate your concerns and explain how you feel. Weigh up his reactions and then make a decision on how you feel. If this is the best thing that has come into your life, then the 'risk' is worth it and it will stay.

the.dark.

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RE: Advice needed - 8/28/2008 7:07:07 AM

DarkSteven

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If you're at the stage you described and think he's possibly the best thing to ever come into your life, you've already lost some objectivity.

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RE: Advice needed - 8/28/2008 8:12:17 AM

MamaDomme1

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As already mentioned, I too feel that you should address your concerns in a calm and mature manner. If the person is easily offended, that could be another red flag.

When I've had people question me, I have always tried to clear up any misgivings. When I have had questions about others, I would strive to get them answered as well.

And yes, there have been those that I have met online, were very sure they were full of shit, only to be pleasantly surprised.

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RE: Advice needed - 8/28/2008 9:22:01 AM

soul2share

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ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS go with your gut feelings!!!! As mentioned, calmly discuss the issues with him. If he gets offended, or tries to blow off the questions, then honey...RUN!!! How can you expect to learn to trust someone when you think he's lying to you all the time? And if he thinks he's getting away with it this early on, what do you think his habits will be later on down the line? Trust is important, but if someone's a liar, then I certainly would want no part of him! Don't let your emotions rule your head......emotions can come later, but for now, use the good sense you were given.

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RE: Advice needed - 8/28/2008 9:58:29 AM

MusicalBoredom

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From: Louisiana/New York
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I have to go with the.dark and Mamma on this. In any relationship that is just starting we (or at least I do) have feelings of fear, anxiety and apprehension. Almost all of us bring a ton of baggage from previous relationships to the new ones. It's often hard to say "Hey I've had some bad experiences and the more I feel connected to you the more vulnerable I feel."

I think if I am to talk to someone honestly then I need to start with what I know for sure which is what I feel, what from my past brought that up, and what is occurring now to remind me of that. That approach isn't a confrontation at all. It's me being honest instead of me trying to minimize my fears by making the other person say or do something. My head usually makes an accusation against someone and accepts that accusation as the truth. I usually have to take a short time-out to collect myself and get to what is really going on for me.

I'm not saying other people don't do screwy things or never lie. Of course they do.

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RE: Advice needed - 8/28/2008 10:44:35 AM

ronin4now

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Joined: 10/19/2007
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Everyone has given you wonderful words of wisdom and advice. I would simply like to add that from a submissive stand point I am concerned that your 'nature' is getting ahead of your 'needs'. Remember, you offer nothing if you can not offer a healthy, strong self...and this means, protecting you, your interests and instincts at all times. Anyone who does not respect that, isn't worthy of your time.

(in reply to MusicalBoredom)

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RE: Advice needed - 8/28/2008 9:40:38 PM

solospirit

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I sincerely thank each of you who have taken the time to reply and to offer your advice. As ronin4now stated, everyone has given wonderful advice. It has confirmed the direction I felt I should take, but not trusting my perspective prompted me to seek outside guidance.

Once again, I thank all of you.

(in reply to ronin4now)

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RE: Advice needed - 8/29/2008 10:47:58 AM

UncleNasty

Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: solospirit

I have been at CM before, so it may look like I have only one post, but this is not my first time posting here.

I have met someone on CM, although so far it has only been online conversations and a couple of phone calls. We have had some very intense and intimate conversations and I've found myself falling for him. But I have started seeing some "flags" that make me believe he may be lying to me. (Gee, the internet and a man lying to a woman!?!? Shocking!) I would prefer not to hear about how this is the internet, caveat emptor and all that. I'm well aware of the pitfalls of engaging in a relationship that begins online and hasn't progressed to a face to face meeting. What I would like to know is if I should confront him. This relationship is still fairly new and fragile and I don't want to bring mistrust into it. But I know I could either accept what he says and feel uneasy, wondering if I'm wasting my time and my heart, or confront him, risk being wrong and possibly lose what could end up being the best thing in my life.

So, if any of you have been in my position, have you ever had it work out? Have you ever had the sense someone you connect with online is lying and then find out you were entirely wrong? Or have your instincts always been right? I've been down this road before and it's never been positive, so I feel my perspective may be a bit skewed. If anyone can offer advice as to how I might move forward, I would surely appreciate it.

I have read none of the replies so this could easily be a repeat.

The post all seems to revolve around trust and honesty.

Whenever a red flag of trust pops up the worst thing to do is ignore it. If your bullshit detector is accurate and you disregard it.... Well, that never turns out as a "feel good."

The second worst thing you can do is to "buy into" any assumptions or presumptions and base your feelings and actions on those. Just because it may "look like" some other person or some other event in your life doesn't make it synonomous. Take some time and investigate in what ever ways you find effective.

As for confronting the other party that needn't be done in a harsh or hostile way. The word "confront" derives from latin and the means "to put our foreheads together." In that sense I see it being motivated by solution rather than blame.

You could approach in a disarmed way, stating your feelings and taking ownership and responsibilty for them. Giving a bit of history as an explanation may help the other party understand on a deeper level. Do this seeking solution, and not pointing fingers, and you're liable to learn a lot.

You may like what you learn and experience, or you may not. Either way it will position you to make a much better informed decision.

Uncle Nasty

(in reply to solospirit)

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RE: Advice needed - 8/30/2008 7:08:17 AM

rookey

Posts: 100
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I think the rule of thumb is that, if someone is serious about starting a relationship and is worth knowing, then they will no objections to honesty provided it is two-way.

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