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stella41b -> RE: BDSM is "sick" and "mental illness"?? (8/28/2008 2:21:01 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ravenslaveheart
the status of our relationship is: he left me, told me he needed to work on his own issues, and didn't want to get my hopes up but that he really would like to get back together with me. so it's open for now, we're talking, he's keeping his promises to my daughter, and i'm going on with life as usual (not putting myself on hold til he decides).
I'm playing the maverick here and have only read as far as this posting, which I'm taking in response to what has gone before. It's good that he's keeping promises to your daughter and that you haven't got any expectations but I know this doesn't make the anguish, turmoil or confusion that you are experiencing any easier.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ravenslaveheart
it's so odd, i've written articles for other BDSM sites about a D/s relationship being a "state of healthy codependence." for example, a submissive must anticipate the Dominant's needs to some extent, and the Dominant sometimes needs to make assumptions about what's going on inside the submissive's head in order to drive a scene in a certain direction. all of this is codependent, but it's healthy in that both parties are consenting to be codependent. he knows about my writings, i can't remember if he ever read any of the articles, though. it's just ironic i guess, we both consented to be codependent in a healthy manner, and now he calls it perverse.
I would agree with you here, though I haven't written any articles on BDSM. However I'm connected with fringe theatre and have developed my own specific theory of fringe theatre, the theory works in practice and a large part of the formation of that theory came out of examining the dynamics of the D/s and M/s relationships found within the community. Both theatre and BDSM depend on human interpersonal relationships and the basis of these relationships is a transaction, which comes out I guess as codependency. Just as there cannot be a performance without that relationship between a performer (actor) and audience, there cannot be any sort of authority transfer without both a dominant and a submissive, not least in a consensual sense. But then all human interpersonal relationships are transactional in nature, which is why I find it odd that anyone can rightly claim that BDSM is 'sick' and 'perverse'.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ravenslaveheart
he didn't find religion, he already had one and still has it. but he's definitely analyzing himself, he's in therapy, he talks of how much self-work he's doing. i can appreciate that, and empathize. i just can not get my head wrapped around the fact that he thinks i was delusional, submitting to nothing, that he wasn't Dominating (when i know damn well he was), and that if we were to ever enter into a D/s relationship in the future, it would be because we're mentally ill.
This appears to be the trigger - the therapist, and what appears to have caused the situation. The problem is here that your bf/dom is vulnerable and prone to suggestion. Now talking of how much self-work is one thing, but the concrete effects of this self-work are another. The effects here appear to be the breakdown of a very important relationship and a family unit. These are not words, but real events and the effect it would appear of the therapy or his interpretation of what he has been told. Obviously here I have no knowledge of the nature of your relationship, his headspace or the nature of the therapy, but if it is influencing the breakdown of such an important relationship and support network i would be highly suspicious and would definitely seek an alternative or second opinion. i guess there could be the possibility that your bf/dom is using this as an excuse, but wouldn't there have been any red flags or warning signs beforehand? I would suggest a change of therapist.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ravenslaveheart
i've always felt D/s relationships are if anything a bit healthier than vanilla relationships ... because there is so much trust involved, so much negotiation (i.e. more communication), so many promises to keep, and there are so few secrets between the parties. i know i could never live in a vanilla relationship ever again, i did for 10 years and i was so pent-up and miserable, i felt i was only living half of my life. that relationship ended amicably.
I wouldn't go so far as to say that D/s relationships are any healthier than vanilla relationships as I feel this is a generalization and the success and positive impact of a relationship between two people relies heavily on their awareness, their needs, understanding, mutual acceptance and common wants, expectations and desires. Some people have a deep seated emotional need to have control in the relationship, some need to submit, but there are many others who don't have such needs and who are perfectly happy, fulfilled and healthy in vanilla relationships. BDSM relationships are just different. Indeed, to me there are as many different types of relationship as there are people prepared to enter them.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ravenslaveheart
maybe he just said it to hurt me, to kick me while i'm down? i know people in break-ups can get pretty mean-spirited, although i'm not one to do that. i'm more of a "let me process this quietly, ask some questions, and write you a note" sort of person.
Being honest this also remains a possibility, especially if you have been of the mindset that D/s relationships are healthier than vanilla relationships and your bf/dom has questioned your relationship through his analysis of all that affects him, and perhaps he just became jaded or cynical. This might have even led to the discussion during therapy that your relationship was detrimental in some way to him, but it is here just one of numerous possibilities. He himself might even have arrived at this conclusion. This doesn't necessarily mean that you are responsible for the breakdown in the relationship, I'm not looking to apportion blame here but just making some suggestions and guesses from the outside which may help you to find some answers and perhaps a way out of the confusion and turmoil you are feeling. I could be wildly inaccurate here, but then again there could be something which triggers something which may lead to some sort of understanding.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ravenslaveheart
i still feel confused, and very hurt. i can be logical and all that and tell myself of course he's wrong about me, that what he's saying applies only to him. my head can say that. it's my heart that doesn't listen to my head very often! my heart is breaking.
I'm sure you know the saying 'if you love someone set them free, if they return they are your's but if not they never was' which may turn out to be the worst case scenario here. My only other suggestion would be for both of you to find another therapist to not only get a second opinion but also if there is a chance of saving the relationship you need to get involved in the therapy as well and rather than sit back and focus on your own needs and notions about the relationship and what you want, maybe try stepping up to the plate and working together with your bf/dom and his new therapist so that you can both work to repair the relationship and you can learn how you can support him better.
This may mean that you may have to put aside your submissive needs for the moment for the sake of repairing the relationship. It seems to me that you have a clear choice here, either you stick to your guns for the D/s relationship you want and lose your bf/dom, or you put your needs to one side until he has resolved some of the issues he's going through. It may seem hard to put aside your submissive needs, but tough titty, for you maybe know as a submissive you don't always get what you want or need. I may have the wrong end of the stick here, or I may not. Again, it's a possibility which perhaps should be considered.
The thing is about relationships, all relationships, they are fluid, because you change, he changes, and as a result the relationship changes. I suspect some sort of conflict here which appears to be unnecessary, and this could be leading to the unnecessary breakdown of the relationship.
Unfortunately none of these words on their own can take away the pain, turmoil and heartache you are feeling right now, and this is just one posting in the entire thread.. but if there is a sentence or phrase which you can find in this thread which leads to your comfort, or better still the recovery of the relationship, then it will have been worthwhile.
I wish you luck and pray that you find the inner strength to get through this.
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