Is there a chance

Is there a chance (Full Version)

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Mydnyte -> Is there a chance (8/30/2008 1:48:01 PM)
Myself and my sub wife met through the internet . We started as a D/s couple from the start and were very happy together in the lifestyle about a year and a half ago she became very ill and needed bypass surgery she is 48 years young. The surgery went well and she recovered , the doctors have cleared her physically. but that isnt the problem since then she has changed her outlook on the lifestyle no longer wanting any part of it. she states that she feels closer to me than ever before. her last husband/master was both physically and mentally abusive. I have always been in the lifestyle since a young man .so have seen forms of submissive deniel but she will not even talk about the subject , Have I lost my little one for good or do you think there is a chance. I know I cant live a vanilla lifestyle as have tryed in the past.Thank you in advance for any help.

GreedyTop -> RE: Is there a chance (8/30/2008 1:58:36 PM)
my suggestion is to locate a kink friendly therapist, and get you both in there.. together and alone.

Kalista07 -> RE: Is there a chance (8/30/2008 2:05:08 PM)
i agree with the wise and wonderful Greedy. It's impossible for any of us to predict what's going on with her and going through her mind. Please take into consideration that anytime a person's been through a life altering event they are going to struggle some... See a kink friendly therapist, support her. Kali

E2Sweet -> RE: Is there a chance (8/30/2008 2:09:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop my suggestion is to locate a kink friendly therapist, and get you both in there.. together and alone. Indeed. Considering how life-changing the recovery from a potentially fatal illness can be, this is just much too complex to try to pick at through this medium. I personally would not give anyone in this situation any other advise (aside from GT's) since I know I don't have the training or skill to offer direct help... I do wish you the best of luck![:)]

sub4hire -> RE: Is there a chance (8/30/2008 2:25:09 PM)
Communicate with her. Ask her why she has these new found thoughts. You do need marriage counseling and she should be allowed to know that this could be a relationship breaker for you. Kink aware or kink counseling...well what do you want the therapist to do? Order her to participate again?

aravain -> RE: Is there a chance (8/30/2008 11:41:20 PM)
What the first responder said... It might be easier for her to talk to someone else about it while you're in the room... make sense? It can't hurt, at least, and if it IS a deal breaker for you... well, it'll effectively help it to at least be an amicable breakup.

GreedyTop -> RE: Is there a chance (8/31/2008 4:43:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sub4hire Communicate with her. Ask her why she has these new found thoughts. You do need marriage counseling and she should be allowed to know that this could be a relationship breaker for you. Kink aware or kink counseling...well what do you want the therapist to do? Order her to participate again? as I read it, the OP HAS tried communicating with her, with no luck. The counselor may be able to help them to reopen lines of communication.

DesFIP -> RE: Is there a chance (8/31/2008 5:37:36 AM)
Life threatening illnesses can cause lasting depression and fears. They can also cause major reevaluations of ones life and what one wants it to be. It also sounds like the message you've been sending her is that you only love her if you can use your toys on her. Not a good think to do. What if she can never recover any pain tolerance? If any s & m play will be unbearable pain? What do you expect her to do? Therapy jointly and perhaps individually. I've got to say that if someone said "Okay, your cancer is now in remission, so get back on your knees while I cane you" I'd stop discussing it also. It would tell me that they didn't care about how I felt. And just because that isn't the message you wanted to send, that doesn't mean it isn't the message she's received.

windchymes -> RE: Is there a chance (8/31/2008 6:18:11 AM)
Recovering from extreme major surgery like she had takes a lot longer than a few months. Just because the doctor has released her from medical care, which is great, there is still physical and especially mental healing that you go through for much longer, possibly as much as 2 years. (Speaking from personal experience). Having your chest cracked open is a lot of physical abuse. Plus, the reality of her own mortality and how close she came to possibly dying is probably affecting her. I'd bet that what she needs and wants right now is just to feel close to you, feel loved, feel secure, feel strong and healthy again, and be "recovered" when SHE feels recovered. She might feel like you're pushing her into something she's not ready to do yet. I think you should just let her be for a time and let her come around when she's ready. Chances are she will, if you give her the time and space.

DarkSteven -> RE: Is there a chance (8/31/2008 7:37:41 AM)
I cannot believe that the ONLY result of the operation is that she lost her submissiveness. What other changes have you seen?

Cyntilating -> RE: Is there a chance (8/31/2008 9:19:40 AM)
I agree with those who have suggested individual and couples counseling. She has just been through something that has alterred many things..health wise...emotionally...physically....and only she knows what else it has effected ... The fact that she "refuses to communicate with you about it" speaks volumes....says she is closed down in her feelings perhaps... fear? of what? something she needs to address for herself first and foremost.....imo. I had major surgery 4 yrs ago. I prepared for this for nearly 2 yrs prior > doing nutritional counseling...psychological counseling> support groups....etc. I STILL wasn't prepared for everything I experienced about my body and mind changes that has happened in the last 4 years afterward. I became very protective of my body, and what happens to it... my ability to "feel vulnerable" changed drastically. It didn't change my emotional submission to Tyson, but it did change my physical submission in some ways. Forgive me for being so blunt, but perhaps what she needs right now is to feel your patience and acceptance, letting her sort things out for herself. Expectations that "things be as they always were" might not be her reality right now and you NEEDING them to be, puts alot of stress on something she may or may not be in control of right now emotionally in her life. I do not agree with her closing down and shutting you out tho'....communication is really important right now and I hope she can understand that somehow. Perhaps if she doesn't feel your expectations of her> she will be more able to open up about what is happening inside her??? I wish you both well...

Mydnyte -> RE: Is there a chance (10/4/2008 6:01:40 AM)
Thank you for your replies, we have talked together and with friends whom we know in the lifestyle as a sounding board to the situation, well as here . The dynamics of the relationship are changing, emotionally with her since the episode with her health. She has stated that for the first time in her life , she has been free to be herself, and knows in her heart that no matter what she is finally safe and secure. When we met I was the one who moved as she had family commitments. I have made it secure in her life financially so she never has to worry about money ever again. This was a major concern of hers all her life and she struggled to make ends meet, always sacrificing for family.Relying on others, but giving without question. This was one of the qualities that drew me to her, her submissiveness was natural , or so I was thought. She now tells me it was a way to cope, with trust issues and abusive men. A way to contol her life, a fantasy to escape to. Since the surgery with me by her side tending to her,making sure she need not worry about anything has given her freedom. I just found out her abusive and I do mean abusive ex-husband, almost killed her in the past. recently passed away. When we talked about it she stated" I am finally safe ,for the first time in my life". this was a fact hiden from me and her family in the past. So with her new freedom she has asked to be uncollared , which I have done , so with her new freedom comes my loss.

GreedyTop -> RE: Is there a chance (10/4/2008 6:22:53 AM)
Sorry to hear that Mydnyte.

CalifChick -> RE: Is there a chance (10/4/2008 7:28:06 AM)
I'm sorry for your loss. Until I read your update, I was going to say that heart bypass surgery is quite frequently a swift kick to the arse for many people... it makes them face their mortality, and they often become depressed, which can manifest in many different ways. Perhaps after a time of exploring her new-found freedom, she will decide that she did fit into the dynamic and will return. Cali

juliaoceania -> RE: Is there a chance (10/4/2008 7:31:44 AM)
I have heard of this happening twice....on both other occasions it was the dom that changed though, not the sub. Each became switches after a heart event. edited because I did not realize that you had uncollared her.. I am sorry for your loss I wish you luck

antipode -> RE: Is there a chance (10/4/2008 6:35:32 PM)
She gave you your answer, show respect.

DesFIP -> RE: Is there a chance (10/4/2008 7:12:31 PM)
She never shared her fear of her ex with you. You never realized she was operating from fear. You folks need to improve your communication.

tasha_tart -> RE: Is there a chance (10/5/2008 10:40:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sub4hire Kink aware or kink counseling...well what do you want the therapist to do? Order her to participate again? ((edited to add....This seems to have been superseded by a subsequent post by the OP, but I will stand by it as general advice...Tasha)) All counseling is not created equally. When my marriage was winding down, the counselor I was seeing was much more concerned that my earring made me gay (WTF!) than anything else. Kink has been a major part of their relationship, and the loss of that part of the relationship is a major issue. Going to a counselor who thinks that kink is some sort of revolting sickness is not going to be productive. If you go into counseling with the feeling that you need to hold back major pieces of information, then you're seeing the wrong counselor. No reputable counselor orders anyone to do anything; he or she helps you work through your issues. However, if you are from Mars and the counselor is from Venus, the counseling relationship is off to a very rocky start. Seeing a kink-aware or kink-friendly counselor can help them both open up fully. He or she won't solve their problems, but can help them air their issues (including kink) and find their own resolution. Tasha

OsideGirl -> RE: Is there a chance (10/5/2008 11:12:05 AM)
Okay...so... Do you only love her because she was submissive? If yes, then your marriage is probably over. If no, then perhaps the two of you could compromise. Perhaps she'd be open to you fulfilling that side with a different partner? You don't say how long you've been together. How the two of you relate to each other doesn't change overnight. Patterns gradually change. So, if the D/s (not the BDSM) is completely gone, it's been changing for awhile. If the only thing that's changed is the BDSM, then it's possible for the D/s dynamic to still be in place minus the BDSM. Again, you also don't say how long it's been since the operation. From my own experience: For a period of about a year my views on relationships, careers, goals and D/s BDSM changed swiftly and swung back and forth. I felt doomed, uncomfortable in my own body, uncomfortable with the thought that whoever I ended up with would be stuck with what had happened to me and just in general wanted the freedom to do what I wanted because I was certain my life would soon be over. Eventually, I evened out, went back to my Dom and I've enjoyed life (for the most part) ever since since. So, don't be too quick to throw it all away.

faithfulfemme -> RE: Is there a chance (10/5/2008 11:32:36 PM)
Kin Aware Professionals website link............ http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=75

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