technofeliac
Posts: 1
Joined: 10/31/2005
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Wow, this night just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Let me preface my response to saying that tonight marks the second anniversary of the Burning Man where the attempt at Polyamory my girlfriend and I were trying blew up in my face, leaving me alone in the middle of the desert with her off with another guy. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what advice I could give to those who might ask me about my experience (other than the knee jerk reaction to say 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T RISK IT'.) This is my first attempt at putting my advice into words, so please bare with me.
Polyamory is difficult. Integrating poly into a pre-existing monogamous relationship is one of the biggest challenges that can face a relationship, IMHO. It has the potential to evoke all of the pain, drama and dynamics of an infidelity, but with an added level of madness when things go wrong because the partner that has crossed the other partners boundaries has the very justifiable excuse, 'well you said I could be poly' (trust me, that phrase will echo through the halls if things go wrong, and it won't make anyone happy nor will it fix a thing). After years of slamming my head against hard surfaces trying to seperate the poly baby from the poly bath water (talk about nasty water... ewwwww), I believe that there are four key things to keep in mind to help things not go wrong. The first two things are absolute complete honesty with oneself and one's monogamous partner. I list them as two because both the honesty with one's partner and with oneself are equally important. The very nature of a monogamous relationship ('your with him, he's with you, there is no one else') creates a comfort zone that will often sacrifice honesty for the sake of the stability of the relationship. For example, you may not be as physically attracted to your husband as you once were. The waxing and waining of physical attraction for one another is a normal part of a long term monogamous relationship. Sure, you may not care for the extra pounds your partner put on, but you love them and you're not going to hurt their feelings for something so superficial. When poly is thrown into the mix, making such underlying feelings known is VERY important, no matter how superficial they may seem. Given my example (and, in case you haven't guessed, my example is what happened in my situation), let's say you meet a play partner with whom you have an animalistic spark of attraction. If your husband is unaware of your diminished attraction to him, it is possible he will feel threatened by that new playmate. The subconscious is a strange thing. It is in charge of the mind's gateway to our sense of intuition, but it only thinks in abstracts, so your husband would be getting the signal from inside his mind 'she - him - more than you,' (referring to your physical attraction) and could easily interpret that as you having stronger feelings, or worse, a stronger bond with this new person.
At the same time, you need to ask your husband to take a long, hard look into why he is willing to grant you this opportunity. More often than most people would like to admit, a person's actions in a relationship are motivated by a deep-seeded fear of losing the person they love. Again, in the comfort of a monogamous relationship, this can be masked, and will often lead to a more harmonious relationship (for example: if I was afraid of losing my girlfriend, I would probably be more willing to sacrifice time with the guys or watching the game to do something she wanted to do. Fear aside, I love her and want her to be happy.) The problem is, polyamory is not as simple as not watching a game or suffering through a movie involving lots of tears and travelling pants. There is a GIGANTIC difference in the thought of 'I want my partner to be happy,' and watching the person you've built your life around taking the hand of a stranger and walking away to do God knows what with them, or worse, knowing exactly what they're going to do and it being to late to stop it.
The third thing, which ironically is where the other 2 things collide, is the proper establishment and enforcement of boundaries between the monogamous partner engaging in poly and their poly partners. When faced with the probability of a pleasurable experience, many people will say they're okay with being the 'other person' and will not allow their feelings to get too deep. Some of those people are outright lying and will be looking for an opportunity to gain ground and become your monogamous partner. Many of the remaining people think they can handle it, but end up letting their feelings get too deep. When interviewing candidates, ask specific questions about their previous experience with poly households. Listen to their stories. If it turns out that they have only heard of poly and never practiced it, for the sake of your marriage, find someone with true poly experience, at least until you've gotten some experience yourself.
Finally, once you have chosen a poly partner remember this : No matter how close you become with them, NEVER, NEVER, EVER share with them intimate details about your monogamous partner and NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER confide in them frustrations or problems you are having with your monogamous relationship or your monogamous partner. Doing either of those things will, at the very best, seriously emotionally injure your monogamous partner and your relationship with him and at the worst, will give your poly partner power over your monogamous relationship. That is soooo not a good thing.
Well, that about sums my advice up. I apologize for its length (and for not being a Mistress, since this is the 'Ask a Mistress' forum). I hope it helps.
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