RE: How do you handle a depressed sub?

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (Full Version)

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aravain -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/2/2008 8:32:17 AM)
I agree... I'm not trying to say to treat them the same way. Believe me, when I get into one of my mood swings the last thing I'm going to do is submit to anyone. I'll usually give them one warning, but if someone tries to dominate me when I'm in that state I'm more liable to lash out and hurt them, either emotionally or physically. The LAST thing a dom would want to do with me would be to... well, try to dominate me. It's one of those areas where I need to have an equal to guide me through it, not a master. But then again everyone's different. The only thing I've found that 'works' for everyone... is having someone to listen, even if it's not everything that they need, it's something anyone can provide :)

MasterAramis -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/2/2008 11:20:53 AM)
This really depends on the type of depression. If this is something that can be easily remedied by something you can do, then by all means give it a try, but if you are talking about something more dire then it's time to visit a Kink Aware Professional. There are many out there, just do a google on the term. Aramis

WhipLash803 -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/5/2008 8:10:26 AM)
The first step is of course- immediate treatment, even if whatever the initial treatment doesn't turn out to be the long-term treatment. Usually by the time friends, family or Dom/sub notice the other person is so depressed that they require "treatment"...those same people are closer to hurting or killing themselves than anyone realizes...so intervention is highly critical. It's important to stabilize and build a feeling within the depressed person that "something" is being done, even if it's not really manifesting a discernible or immediate improvement. It will usually stop the depression from getting worse, which can feel like a HUGE achievement all on it's own. The next step is trying various methods of treatment and just generally being supportive of the depressed person, DON'T allow another persons depression become your depression...don't take what they say or do personally. Remember that it is an illness like cancer, it can come and go, always needing to take a "piece" of the person to feed itself and always requiring something-treatment, support, medication or simply time, to make it go away. A very BAD dynamic is a depressed Dom AND sub in a relationship together. There isn't a responsible person available to pull the plane out of it's nose-dive if their both depressed at the same time. Just like an office full of women will often subtly have their menstruation shift so that they all coincide together. Such is depression that it's cycles can shift so that people frequently exposed to each other can start cycling in and out of the peaks and valleys of depression together...VERY DANGEROUS. Whiplash quote: ORIGINAL: sujuguete For those of you with subs who suffer from mental illness, particularly depression, how do you handle it? What do you do when you notice the first symptoms that a bad slump is coming? What do you do if your sub is already in the "black hole?"

patina -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/5/2008 8:33:33 AM)
I am bi polar so have periods of depression often. If i do my meds regulary they are few and far between and mild just a few days of sadness maybe a day of crying spells. If things happen and i forget them then it can put me in a bad down mood.. I crawl into my cave, hide for a week or more crying endlessly. This happens seldom. as I have never had a support system i really do not know how i want to be treated. I just deal with everything on my own. Always have. patina

winterlight -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/5/2008 8:33:50 AM)
I have suffered depression since i was a young child. I was diagnosed in my 40's! I take an anti-depressant. I have tried to not take it but the depression comes back. It takes awhile for me to feel any effect when i go back on the medicine. When i am not on the medicine other than being depressed i am functional. I do not get to the point where i lie in bed and can't cope with anything. I think it is good to work on the total aspect of oneself...diet, exercise, meds, therapy.

DomDolf -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/5/2008 11:21:02 AM)
quote: As someone who suffered through a severe depression for years, I could only hope that he would kick my ass (figuratively) until I started engaging in the behaviors that I know will get me out of depression. I know that he will not enable me and he will not tolerate negative behaviors that will only perpetuate the problem. He will expect me to do the work to either stop it or get out of it. If the person does not have the tools they need to manage their depression, then they need to learn them. Knight's Kyr Amen!!!! Depressed people may need help to get help. This will definitely require patience, emotional support and understanding. You may need to take them to get help and work with them closely for the several weeks it will take to see the changes starting to take effect. As, if not more important, than medication is a participation in productive and healthy activities. IMPORTANT- If you cannot properly be there for the person or are going to get frustrated and walk away, don't even start to help. Dolf Edited, because I have already done a one-liner today and I'm not a big fan of them.

aravain -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/5/2008 10:21:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: winterlight It takes awhile for me to feel any effect when i go back on the medicine. Ahhh, here's something that very few people know about psychiatric medicine who don't take it... it doesn't work right away. The medication I'm on now can take six weeks sometimes more before it starts to work once you start taking the therapeutic dose! It's a medication that you have to 'work up' to, so it can even take two or three weeks to GET to the therapeutic dose. Medicine is not a 'quick fix' in the world of mental health... and in most cases it's no more than a temporary one. There is no quick fix... any fix that there is will take time, and usually effort, to achieve and continue to work.

sujuguete -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/6/2008 5:39:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhipLash803 The first step is of course- immediate treatment, even if whatever the initial treatment doesn't turn out to be the long-term treatment. Usually by the time friends, family or Dom/sub notice the other person is so depressed that they require "treatment"...those same people are closer to hurting or killing themselves than anyone realizes...so intervention is highly critical. It's important to stabilize and build a feeling within the depressed person that "something" is being done, even if it's not really manifesting a discernible or immediate improvement. It will usually stop the depression from getting worse, which can feel like a HUGE achievement all on it's own. The next step is trying various methods of treatment and just generally being supportive of the depressed person, DON'T allow another persons depression become your depression...don't take what they say or do personally. Remember that it is an illness like cancer, it can come and go, always needing to take a "piece" of the person to feed itself and always requiring something-treatment, support, medication or simply time, to make it go away. <snip> Whiplash I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to respond to my questions. Whiplash, your post really hit home with me, especially the bolded parts. sujuguete

StrictMaster979 -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/6/2008 10:26:54 AM)
Depression must be taken seriously. In the past had a sub who was often depressed. It requires patience, lots of time to talk, time to grow, not time to add to her stress, no added duties, no added restrictions, no time to abondon her. She must feel loved first, and whatever it takes.

DesFIP -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/6/2008 10:50:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: aravain Ahhh, here's something that very few people know about psychiatric medicine who don't take it... it doesn't work right away. The medication I'm on now can take six weeks sometimes more before it starts to work once you start taking the therapeutic dose! It's a medication that you have to 'work up' to, so it can even take two or three weeks to GET to the therapeutic dose. But sometimes it does work right away. When I walked into my doctor's office on a Friday and announced I was having suicidal ideation, she tried to talk me into the hospital. Since I refused, and promised I wouldn't do anything prior to seeing the psychiatrist she recommended on Monday, she gave me a starter pack of Zoloft at 40 mg. Three days later the suicidal ideation had lifted. But it did take months to slowly increase the dosage to the most effective.

KnightofMists -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/6/2008 11:41:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DomDolf IMPORTANT- If you cannot properly be there for the person or are going to get frustrated and walk away, don't even start to help. I would add... you can't be there for the person if they can't be there for themselves as well. The commitment to get better starts with them not with those that are trying to help... if it does.. all your likely to end up being is an enabler.

VivaciousSub -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/7/2008 4:53:56 PM)
First post for me - this topic caught my eye. I have manic-depression and during a particularly bad mood swing my Master brought me up short and commanded me to do the following things to get better. I never argue with my Master. 1) Call my psychiatrist immediately. I was to report to my Master with the appointment time. 2) Call a therapist and schedule an appointment within the next 3 days. If my preferred therapist wasn't available, then too bad for me. I was ordered to find another that could see me. I wasn't happy to go back on the mental illness merry-go-round but my Master's authority was not to be questioned. I got over myself and followed his orders and got better a lot faster than I would have by myself. In short - you're the Master, she's the sub. You give the orders. She doesn't and can't know what's best for herself. You have to give her the instructions. She will thank you later.

aravain -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/8/2008 12:53:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Three days later the suicidal ideation had lifted. But it did take months to slowly increase the dosage to the most effective. I'm not sure if this proves my statement or disproves it, actually. When I meant 'right away' I meant, like, pop the pills, five minutes later you're all smiles. Some people truly believe that's how it is. Then again I don't know anything about zoloft in particular beyond the fact that my psychiatrist will only ever use it as a 'last resort' for reasons she'll only disclose to people that might need to be on it o.O Though, she is usually only seeing people who are undergrads in college, which could affect that. But a cursory look on their site brings up this tidbit: quote: How long does it take to feel better with Zoloft? Every person is unique. The time it takes to feel better is different for everyone. Some of your symptoms might start to improve within 1 to 2 weeks or it could take up to 8 weeks. Even if you don't feel better right away, it's important to keep taking your medicine as directed and consult your doctor. Give Zoloft a chance to work for you. Along with the fact that the usual, clinical, prescription for clinical depression is anywhere from 50mg to 200mg... which is much different from the 40mg starting pack! Which seems to suggest that your situation is either a (very beneficial) fluke where it worked uber-quickly despite not being a 'therapeutic dose' (which can happen... not everyone is the same and those doses are set for the mean of the population. I know that it's relatively unheard of for someone my size with symptoms as severe as mine doing fine with as little medicine as I take, sometimes a little IS enough), or some sort of cycling out of suicidal ideation (either through enough time or the ever-confusing 'placebo' affect) that just happened to occur around when you started the medicine. Edit: Forgot a / XD Edit2: To make myself sound less like a douche and clearer on my own feelings

VivaciousSub -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/8/2008 7:26:17 AM)
quote: Then again I don't know anything about zoloft in particular beyond the fact that my psychiatrist will only ever use it as a 'last resort' for reasons she'll only disclose to people that might need to be on it o.O Though, she is usually only seeing people who are undergrads in college, which could affect that. I can take an educated guess as to why your psychiatrist will only use it as a last resort. Zoloft has caused very intense reactions in people at times and not the good kind. A good friend of mine was prescribed it and became immediately ragingly psychotic and paranoid. Same thing happened to a few of my other friends. Needless to say, they went off the meds. It can work in some people, but the high risk of serious mental changes precludes a lot of docs from prescribing it.

aravain -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/8/2008 12:03:29 PM)
After reading up on it, yeah, that would be my guess. She's a pretty good doctor, too. She's got an excellent head on her shoulders :D

VivaciousSub -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/8/2008 12:08:27 PM)
I'm really happy for you that you've got a good psych. I have an amazing one myself. Took me a long time (6 years) to get on the correct med regime and it's thanks to him that happened. I've been seeing him about two years. The good ones are worth their weight in gold and them some, aren't they? [:)]

brat4fun -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/8/2008 7:57:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: aravain Above all: listen. Don't make assumptions, don't tell the sub your opinions unless asked for... and above all else don't push them. I haven't read all of the other responses, but I wanted to add to this before I forgot what I wanted to say. grin Please, don't try to fix it. Quite often, I can't articulate what's wrong. If I could tell you the problem I could fix it my own dang self. I'm not trying to shut you out, but sometimes I need to just "be" for a while. Repeated questions and attempts to get me to talk about it is just going to make the problem worse because then I'll be depressed and annoyed. Letting me chill for a bit is a good thing. Sitting with me and doing your own thing (i.e. reading, surfing the computer, watching TV...) anything where we can be in contact without having to put a lot of thought and energy into significant interaction is better. Let me sit at your feet and daydream, or read a book, or cry for a bit if I need to. Not all tears are bad... most often (for me) it's a pressure release valve for getting a lot of junk in my head out. lol Sorry for not being at my most coherent when I'm trying to write this, gang. grin lil Aidan

VivaciousSub -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/8/2008 8:02:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: brat4fun Quite often, I can't articulate what's wrong. If I could tell you the problem I could fix it my own dang self. I'm not trying to shut you out, but sometimes I need to just "be" for a while. Repeated questions and attempts to get me to talk about it is just going to make the problem worse because then I'll be depressed and annoyed. You articulated it fine, at least in my eyes. I agree. I feel emotions extraordinarily intensely and often need time to process them and figure out what I do think. Quiet time for at least a few minutes is necessary. Only then can I benefit from guidance in the form of questions to make me work through it in my head. Attempts to 'fix' it aren't what I'm ever looking for. I want/need my Sir to help me heal and grow and that only comes from learning more about myself and my thought processes.

sujuguete -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/9/2008 3:08:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: brat4fun Quite often, I can't articulate what's wrong. If I could tell you the problem I could fix it my own dang self. I'm not trying to shut you out, but sometimes I need to just "be" for a while. Repeated questions and attempts to get me to talk about it is just going to make the problem worse because then I'll be depressed and annoyed. Letting me chill for a bit is a good thing. Sitting with me and doing your own thing (i.e. reading, surfing the computer, watching TV...) anything where we can be in contact without having to put a lot of thought and energy into significant interaction is better. Let me sit at your feet and daydream, or read a book, or cry for a bit if I need to. Not all tears are bad... most often (for me) it's a pressure release valve for getting a lot of junk in my head out. lol [sm=goodpost.gif] Beautifully put! I just want to add that if the depression is chemical/physiological in nature, and not episodic, there really is nothing that is "wrong" to even talk about. It just "is what it is," and needs to be treated with whatever works.

michaelOfGeorgia -> RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? (9/9/2008 3:10:35 AM)
if us subs with depression could answer the "what's wrong?" question...then we could save the world.

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