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RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/9/2008 3:12:48 AM

VioletAshes

Posts: 101
Joined: 1/16/2008
Status: offline

From a sub point of view... my Husband often notices before I do that I have fallen in the 'black hole'. He spends much time talking to me and getting me to talk. This is very important in my speedy recovery. He also gets me out of the house and out into some sunshine, even if we are doing nothing the sunlight helps clear my head.

In general there is no quick fix and it is patience that he shows most.

_____________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm not like other girls that you know
but I believe I'm worth coming home to"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(in reply to silkenfire)

Post #: 41

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/9/2008 12:47:51 PM

sweetbabygirl65

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/9/2008
Status: offline

Depression happens to B/both Doms and submissives alike. The Dom i just walked away from( because He lied) is a manic depressive. All i could do since these happened when i was here and not with Him was talk to Him for hours until i knew He was feeling better and safe. It does hurt to see S/someone in a depressed mood.

(in reply to VioletAshes)

Post #: 42

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/13/2008 6:35:17 AM

stormie

Posts: 27
Joined: 4/29/2004
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

*smiles*

I am a person who at one time or another have faced depression, and at times still battles it. what I would like if I had a Dominant, was one that would listen and show support to things, not just shrug it off. that can trigger me, that if He don't care why should I.

sometimes just a shoulder will do, or holding a hand, can mean more to someone.

_____________________________

~Fire that Burns within, is a Great Servitude of submission~

(in reply to silkenfire)

Post #: 43

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/13/2008 7:40:37 PM

JessieMe

Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

I have suffered from depression for most of my life and have become very self aware of the patterns of behaviour. Each time I get into a relationship (hopefully of course this one being the last), I TELL my partner what to watch for and when I may need to be seen by a doctor in the beginning.

One of the biggest triggers for me is lack of sleep. If I am not sleeping well, it means something is going on. Esp since I take medication for it. The first thing he is to do is check in with me as to whether I am remembering to take my medications. I have a weekly pill box so all he has to do is look and see what days I have missed. It is never intentional..just that I may fall asleep before taking my pills or if I am running late I forget to take them before going to work. Usually this will fix the problem easily. He will send me text messages from work around bedtime so even if I fall asleep I will wake up when my phone dings. Or he will bring my meds to work for me. This of course causes me to feel guilty at putting so much responsibility on him..well..its usually good impetus to start remembering on my own.

Each person I have talked to who has had depression for a portion of their life KNOWS what their triggers are. I think a good honest discussion with the person you are with to educate them before the depression sets in is the first most important thing.

Finally, if you dont know what to do, go to a doctor. Even if it doesnt seem all that serious, the potential for serious is always there and too late my mean just that..too late.

Finally, let me say that this is my own personal experience and may not correspond with someone else's own experience. Good luck to you~

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to stormie)

Post #: 44

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/14/2008 2:45:04 AM

aravain

Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieMe
Each person I have talked to who has had depression for a portion of their life KNOWS what their triggers are. I think a good honest discussion with the person you are with to educate them before the depression sets in is the first most important thing.

You do have to be careful with this line of thinking. There are a good many people who don't know their triggers, or who don't seem to HAVE triggers (though usually the latter means that the depression itself is a symptom of something larger). Most people with straight, clinical depression have set triggers and knows what they are... but some just don't.

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 45

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/15/2008 5:53:56 AM

BrokenSaint

Posts: 301
Joined: 10/30/2007
Status: offline

It really does depend wholly on the individual. Some are better off left alone as much as possible dealing with it (though I would hesitate reccomending this as a course of action for anyone to take as it could just as easily cause a deeper slide), some benefit from counseling, some benefit from a temporary antidepressant to help them climb out of it. Basic rules to follow?

1. Be supportive, speaks for itself

2. Do NOT under any circumstances make them feel crazy for feeling the way they do. You'll only be further damaging their probably at that point tenuous connection to their self-esteem. One of the compliments I usually get at work, or from dealing with friends who have some form of mental illness is that I don't do that. I just accept whatever weird little thoughts, problems, or issues they have. Most people with depression have at some point in their life had someone react incredibly negatively to it. Something so simple as a frustrated "Why can't you just get over it!", can do far more damage than one would think. Don't treat them with kid gloves, but realize you're walking a fine line. Sometimes I've found people going with a whole tough love approach on it, thinking its the best plan. It really isn't. They're already tearing themselves down far more effectively than you will. Your "job" if you will, at this point is to help give them the strength to build themselves back up, hence the be supportive.
Making them feel crazy is something to avoid because of it's extremely negative connotations, and can quite effectively be just another thing making them feel like crap, which they already have enough of at that point.

3. Be accessible, but not overbearing. Kind of goes along with the whole don't treat them with kid gloves thing. Don't rush to their every whim and problem, because that can simply reinforce the depression. But do be accessible, and concerned. Another fine line. You get a feel for how much to intrude on depression for individuals after a while though.

4. Know suicide warning signs. This is a given. Alot of these are pretty obvious, like taking alot of ridiculously dangerous risks all of a sudden, losing interest in everything they cared about (this one is kind of difficult to determine though, as it does tend to go hand in hand with depression), writing a will, talking about suicide, calling people to say goodbye, giving away things they care about to people, etc. Some of them are alot more deceptive though, such as all of a sudden going from the midst of a deep depression to appearing calm or happy. Thats a biggie. People think they're fine. Quite the contrary, they could have just been tearing themselves up with the decision, and then finally made it and started formulating a plan, being calmer, or happier because they know their depression will soon be coming to an end. This will be a sudden change, although don't take every sign of feeling happier as a suicide warning. They could just finally be feeling a bit better. Keep an eye out though, just in case.

Really you get a feel for these too the longer you know a given person. Chances are you will have seen them come out of a depression once or twice, and will know what is characteristic. If you see something drastically out of character, be more wary. There are many more signs, I won't go into them all, but a basic google search should give you all the information you need on that.

5. Education. For both of you. Make sure you know everything you can possibly learn about depression. Read everything about it you can find. Then, re-read it and look for more. If you care about them, becoming very familiar with the disorder is only going to help. During a non-depressive cycle, talk to them, make sure they understand all about the disorder as well. This can be a great aid when trying to break that negative thought pattern later on. Most people will have a fair understanding of their illness by their 20's. There are certain things though, that generally tend to get left out. Like recognizing the signs that they'll be slipping into a depressive episode. Sometimes one can prepare for it, and more successfully weather the storm so to speak. There are also a literal ton of techniques that can be of some help, like Progressive muscle relaxation for example, or guided meditation. Learn them. Anything that gives them an edge, dealing with depression is a knock down, bare-knuckle brawl with your own psyche. So fight dirty, take any advantage you can get, and you may be able to send it packing more often than not.

Oh! and before I forget. A set schedule can be very helpful for some. Eating right, sleeping a normal amount, getting exercise, etc. Basically things you can normally do to make your body feel better, can help you with depression as well.

< Message edited by BrokenSaint -- 9/15/2008 5:55:50 AM >

_____________________________

In the name of progress,
In the name of madness
Drum beats faster
Crowd shouts louder
and chaos replaces order
VnV Nation - Nemesis

(in reply to silkenfire)

Post #: 46

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/15/2008 2:08:31 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

Chain her to a tree...

Funny how the ousdoors can snap one right outta a depression...

Well...she may need beat a little to drive the little demons away....

(in reply to sujuguete)

Post #: 47

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/16/2008 9:04:42 AM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline

As another bi-polar (manically depressed) sub i'll add to the (very good!) advice given here that one of the points made above to me is the key: to know your own partner, their cycles and their behaviours and watch for out of the ordinary or out of sequence behaviour.

I can honestly say the most peaceful time in my life i ever remember was the moment i decided to try to kill myself the last time (this was some time ago - nearly 7 years now, so don't worry about me). It ended in my being hospitalised (my then partner called an ambulance) and being treated for the attempt as a "crisis" patient. To this day the thought of being that calm again almost scares me, i crave the feeling and at the same time it terrifies me because of the association. So for me to be calm and collected and serene is almost the biggest red light in the world. It's a shame really since if i ever manage to get this condition under full control no doubt Master will have the men in the white coats checking me out to be sure i haven't just completely lost touch with reality (a concept which when i'm depressed sounds fabulous, no responsibilities, just being allowed to "be" and "breathe".... yum!). Yes, i think i'm in the middle of a depressive episode at the moment... erk.

Techniques that work with me (YMMV) are, kindness, support, love, understanding and then if necessary pushing to get me to achieve what needs to be done (whether that's putting on some clothes and getting out of bed for the first time in a week or making a doctor's appointment or just saying one sentence that isn't moaning).

Hope this helps the OP a little and to all of us here supporting a sufferer or suffering with or without support best wishes, you're all in my thoughts atm.

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 48

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/19/2008 5:38:56 PM

swtlilkitn

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline

Good Evening:

I'm rather new around here but this topic caught my attention because I happen to be a submissive who does suffer from clinical depression (hasn't skipped a generation in the last 4 on my mother's side of the family) For a long time I was on a self destruct course in my life because there was such a stigma attached to being "bi-polar or manic depressive" that I couldn't see myself seeking help for the condition. Instead I just let the chemical imbalances lead me down a road of abusive behaviours and seeking out abusive men (I refuse to call them Dominants).

I finally hit bottom when I tried to take a swim in the ocean oh about 16 years ago or so now. A very warm individual who just happened to be out for a walk (had i noticed him i would have waited until the beach was empty) ran into the ocean after me and all I could think of was that he would get sick and was ruining his clothing, and I kept insisting he leave me alone, all I wanted to do was go for a swim until I was too tired to swim anymore ... anyhow long story short he wouldn't let me go and dragged us both back to the relative safety of the sandy beach. What followed was a long cry on his shoulder because there was no real reason for me to have done what I did, it just seemed like a good idea at that point in time.

Long story even longer, at that point in time I realized that if I didn't seek some kind of help that I would end up hurting other people .... not intentionally but there it was .... I didn't have any respect for who I was or any understanding that the depression problems I was having were hereditary (that stigma thing again we just didn't talk about depression) I went through tons of counselors who just thought it was all "in my head" well yeah it is but not in the way they thought. I didn't get on meds until about 6 years ago and I can't believe the difference it has made in my well being.

I still have ups and I have downs, but now I can almost feel the ebb and flow of them and can warn people they are coming, but it's that recognition that ackowledgement of their impending arrival that allows me to face it head on and work through it without letting it consume me. As to what anyone can do to help me ? Just be understanding and caring, believe me when I say I don't know what's wrong ... cause it is the god's truth ... Life happens, and I don't enter any relationships without warning my potential partner ahead of time, I wouldn't even call it a warning really, more of an explanation of what makes me tick and what they can expect. The meds do a lot to balance me, but sometimes *shrug* life becomes more overwhelming than what the meds can handle even. For those times I love to be bound and just stuck in a small dark place, they comfort me and oft times I fall asleep like that and just allow myself a time out.

That's a rather rambling post for my first attempt at a reply and for that I apologize, but there it is .. straight from a kitn's mouth.

Warmly
kitn
YMMV

(in reply to silkenfire)

Post #: 49

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/19/2008 8:23:11 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

After my slave and I got married, I realized that she suffered from episodes of serious depression that she had masked from me while we were long distance, seeing each other once a month (I realize now that one of her survival strategies is to hide suffering). My end of the process was:

1. Make her go to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. Getting a clinical diagnosis has to be the first step, or else you're shooting in the dark.
2. Once we had a diagnosis, her psychiatrist, based on her intake interveiw, recommended that she go into a partial hospitalization program because of a high suicide risk/past suicide attempts (which was all news to me. My job was to make sure she got accepted into the program. That meant not letting her talk me into "I'm ok now," going to the emergency intake center for the psychiatric hospital and spending six hours in interviews and a waiting room filled with screaming, weeping, unhappy people until 3 am.
3. Getting her to Intensive Outpatient Theapy (IOP) everyday, no matter how much she didn't want to go. Listening every night and going over her homework with her, learning the language of her community (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and scaffolding her efforts at home.
4. Ready books by Marsha Linehan so I understood the therapeutic model she was involved in, so I could be reinforcing, and not underminning--learning to more effectively validate her emotional responses, understanding how best to handle high emotional vulnerbaility, etc. Those specific elements were a function of her BP/BPD diagnosis--the larger idea was that I needed to be a healthy supportive part of her therapy.
5. Supporting her in her partial group therapy after graduating from IOP, and then later in individual therapy. Supporting her therapy efforts, in practical ways like driving her around, making lunch, etc, and emotional ways like being enfranchised in her process.
6. Participating with her in her self-regulation efforts--if it helps her be mindfull and more in her now (and therefore suffer less) to do things like spend Sunday being "mindfull" in eating/cleaning/playing etc, then by God I'll be the most mindfull fucker on earth.

What I am trying to say is getting her the specific clinical intervention she needed, but also giving her the active help, support and scaffolding she needed. Two earlier posts were just awful. One painfully stupid post was about giving a hug and then solving the problem--God save us from such idiotic, self-indulgent pablum. People with real medical problems need real medical help. Another one was from a sub talking about she was solely responsible for herself, and if she needed fixing she'd do it herself. Bullshit--we social, interdepent animals who need each other. I pray that no one in need here reads that shit and feels like they would be weak or lame if they need help. People in need, have needs. People who need help may ask for help. We are none of us alone, but each of us connected, and I want to forcefuly counter any normative idea of "self (alone) help."

_____________________________

True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

(in reply to swtlilkitn)

Post #: 50

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/20/2008 6:09:26 AM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

About 10 years ago, after my mother died, i went into a tail-spin of depression that lasted for about a year. my husband and Master (now my ex), did the worst thing he could have done. He left me alone to "work it out" thinking i'd "snap out of it" eventually. Well, i did eventually , but it was because i had friends who listened to me when i was sad or angry, held me when i cried, practiced random acts of kindness, encouraged me to get back into life, to remember to eat and in general were just there for me. i would have given my soul for a hug or a cuddle from him, but that wasn't his approach. (He didn't like to deal with emotions, mine, his or others.)

It's so nice to read, from Dom and sub alike, the care and nurturing (and even the "calls back to reality") that y'all so openly and kindly shared with the rest of us. It speaks of a level of caring and maturity that's needed when you know someone who's going through depression, clinical or otherwise. Even on a good day we all need a hug, and i thank y'all for reminding me of the truly wonderful people who are here on CM. <smile>

jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 51

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/20/2008 6:51:54 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I'm fourth generation mood disorder. I don't have triggers. I have hormonally induced depression. Swings in my hormonal levels will cause it to occur. Nothing I do can bring it on. It is made worse by a fair amount of S.A.D. but I am not responsible for the changing of the seasons either.

There are things that help; eating, sleeping, getting sunlight etc.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 52

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/20/2008 9:15:55 AM

sujuguete

Posts: 263
Joined: 7/3/2008
From: DC metro area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

After my slave and I got married, I realized that she suffered from episodes of serious depression that she had masked from me while we were long distance, seeing each other once a month (I realize now that one of her survival strategies is to hide suffering). My end of the process was:

1. Make her go to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. Getting a clinical diagnosis has to be the first step, or else you're shooting in the dark.
2. Once we had a diagnosis, her psychiatrist, based on her intake interveiw, recommended that she go into a partial hospitalization program because of a high suicide risk/past suicide attempts (which was all news to me. My job was to make sure she got accepted into the program. That meant not letting her talk me into "I'm ok now," going to the emergency intake center for the psychiatric hospital and spending six hours in interviews and a waiting room filled with screaming, weeping, unhappy people until 3 am.
3. Getting her to Intensive Outpatient Theapy (IOP) everyday, no matter how much she didn't want to go. Listening every night and going over her homework with her, learning the language of her community (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and scaffolding her efforts at home.
4. Ready books by Marsha Linehan so I understood the therapeutic model she was involved in, so I could be reinforcing, and not underminning--learning to more effectively validate her emotional responses, understanding how best to handle high emotional vulnerbaility, etc. Those specific elements were a function of her BP/BPD diagnosis--the larger idea was that I needed to be a healthy supportive part of her therapy.
5. Supporting her in her partial group therapy after graduating from IOP, and then later in individual therapy. Supporting her therapy efforts, in practical ways like driving her around, making lunch, etc, and emotional ways like being enfranchised in her process.
6. Participating with her in her self-regulation efforts--if it helps her be mindfull and more in her now (and therefore suffer less) to do things like spend Sunday being "mindfull" in eating/cleaning/playing etc, then by God I'll be the most mindfull fucker on earth.

What I am trying to say is getting her the specific clinical intervention she needed, but also giving her the active help, support and scaffolding she needed. Two earlier posts were just awful. One painfully stupid post was about giving a hug and then solving the problem--God save us from such idiotic, self-indulgent pablum. People with real medical problems need real medical help. Another one was from a sub talking about she was solely responsible for herself, and if she needed fixing she'd do it herself. Bullshit--we social, interdepent animals who need each other. I pray that no one in need here reads that shit and feels like they would be weak or lame if they need help. People in need, have needs. People who need help may ask for help. We are none of us alone, but each of us connected, and I want to forcefuly counter any normative idea of "self (alone) help."

Your slave is a very fortunate woman, indeed. Thank you for posting this.

_____________________________

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For this reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 53

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/20/2008 9:18:49 AM

sujuguete

Posts: 263
Joined: 7/3/2008
From: DC metro area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: krikket

About 10 years ago, after my mother died, i went into a tail-spin of depression that lasted for about a year. my husband and Master (now my ex), did the worst thing he could have done. He left me alone to "work it out" thinking i'd "snap out of it" eventually. Well, i did eventually , but it was because i had friends who listened to me when i was sad or angry, held me when i cried, practiced random acts of kindness, encouraged me to get back into life, to remember to eat and in general were just there for me. i would have given my soul for a hug or a cuddle from him, but that wasn't his approach. (He didn't like to deal with emotions, mine, his or others.)

Did we have the same Dom?

Thank heaven for friends.

_____________________________

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For this reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 54

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/21/2008 9:49:29 AM

FemMiss

Posts: 51
Joined: 5/4/2007
From: Egypt
Status: offline

for me, i will advice him to go for pro therapy... but i cant deal with him while he is depressed... he wont be in his normal state and im not qualified to treat him..
he has to go for therapy, and after it is finished, we can return to the lifestyle again...

_____________________________

Be Yourself, who else is better qualified...

(in reply to silkenfire)

Post #: 55

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/21/2008 5:44:13 PM

lostyoungling

Posts: 12
Joined: 9/15/2008
Status: offline

i just wanted to thank the OP and all the people who replied. This thread has made me feel a lot less pessimistic about my diagnosis. i've long since come to terms with having it...and i'm not shy about talking about it with others...but i am aware of the fact that it makes me a little "high maintenance". Reading about others who have similar issues who still have successful relationships and hearing from those who are willing to put forth the effort for their partners has really been nice.

(in reply to FemMiss)

Post #: 56

RE: How do you handle a depressed sub? - 9/22/2008 3:14:13 PM

tweedydaddy

Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

If my sub had toothache, I would send her to the dentist.
If my sub suffered from depression I would send her to a psychotherapist.
I'm not a dentst. I'm not a doctor, if something needs to be done, it should be done by someone who is qualified to do it.
Now as for sexual domination, that I am equipped to deal with!

(in reply to sujuguete)

Post #: 57

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