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leadership527 -> RE: Submissives, are you the dominant force in your life? (9/2/2008 11:27:31 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LittleWench
How do you know if a Dom/me is actually capable of being dominant without having that reinforced? Sure you meet, you are compatible, he tells you to do something, you do it. That's compatability, not dominance and submission. You're told to do something, and you do it, because you want to, because it's mutually beneficial to do so.
If I'm reading this correctly, I used to have this opinion and it was D&D that changed my mind pretty conclusively. Whether my wife likes what I tell her to do or not is irellevant. Whether she thinks the command is mutually beneficial or not doesn't matter (in this context). The only thing that matters is that I gave a command and she obeyed it. Her action was changed by my command. You know what? I sincerely hope that the vast majority of the commands that I give my wife are, in fact, both enjoyable to her and mutually beneficial to us. It's hard for me to grasp a scenario in which this isn't desireable assuming the intent of a long-term relationship.
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Now the dynamic that I saw was submissives stating that they didn't need their dominant to show any form of dominanc in order to know they were dominant. I "just know" that my Dom/me is dominant, it's an aura about them, an energy, they inspire me, support me, motivate me Hmmmm, well my wife and I have been together for 13 years now so it's not surprising that she "just knows". But in truth, she has always reported from way back that she was initially attracted to me because of my "assertiveness" and other words along those lines. Before we had the right words to describe it, "it" still existed.
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... no they have never had to punish me, I would never do anything to make them want to punish me
While great in theory, this sounds implausible to me in practice over the long-term. The inevitable consequence of a rule is that eventually, somehow, somewhere, it'll get broken. If not that rule, then another. If the dominant makes rules and there is no consequence to them, then there is no rule. That being said, I find the whole "punishment" dynamic to be suspect in it's entirety as an effective strategy.
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I would feel too guilty or upset at myself for disappointing them... isn't that self regulation? Isn't that pushing yourself to be pleasing and obedient, rather than your dominant? There's nothing wrong with that, pushing yourself to achieve perfection or to be pleasing, but who is the dominant in that situation? The submissive who has the need to be obedient, is constantly the one punishing themselves, pushing themselves and striving to be such, or the person who simply gave a directive expecting it to be obeyed?
OK, so I'm struggling to understand your reasoning here. It sounds very much like what you just said was, "How can a woman who submits flawlessly to the will of her dominant be considered a submissive?" Gosh, I have to tell you that I'm reading and rereading that and I dont' care whether you want to call it submission or strawberries, but whatever it is, that's what I have and I'm damned glad for it. I don't find myself needing to do a whole lot with my wife other than clearly state the objective and periodically reinforce it. I dont' need to punish her (*sighs* OK once and I detested it as did she). I don't need to be all stern and domly. I don't need to do anything other than state the desired result. Even when the desired result is a nasty and highly complex thing like "Change the way you view your own body image." I dont' find myself needing to do much more than say, "Here's how I want you to think" and let it simmer for a week or two while she works it through. As a "whatever it is that I am", I call that "low maintenance".
addition now that I've seen the thread has been clarified: I'm going to have to agree that in the very beginning of a relationship, I would vote for "you learned that your dom was who they are becaue you talked to them, observed their behavior, etc. all slowly and at a comfortable pace so that nothing needed to be forced." Properly placed trust comes only with experience. I personally would interpret the type of testing that you are talking about as a strong indicator that the person did not have the communication skills nor the "we're a team" outlook required to conduct an effective long-term relationship with me. I might be right or wrong about that and "checking your work" is always a good thing, but red flags would definitely be waving in my head.
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