Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: online D/s relationship...


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: online D/s relationship... Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 5:21:18 AM   
MasterAramis


Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

what are people's thoughts about having D/s relationship online


Well it depends on the level I would suppose. For the ultimate level of D/s, Master and slave, this will be difficult indeed. It is very hard to truly Master someone from an online only standpoint. Even if it could be done, I personally need a level of intimacy that I cannot get online. There is something to be said for the touch of ones flesh so to speak. Also, so much gets lost in the translation of IM and email that it really is hard to get a handle of someones true situation.

Now I can really only speak from a M/s standpoint as that is what I know, so perhaps someone with a little more D/s knowledge can answer it for that side of the equation.

Aramis

(in reply to illuminateme)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 5:37:50 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Hi the dark,

I worded that weirdly but basically it was the reason for the online relationship was to lead to an offline M/s relationship.  I also concluded the concept of actions not meeting words from the information.  But there has to be more i imagine than just the absolute of you are able to start fresh or you aren't.  In regular relationships, there are more senses and things that create the ability for wounds to heal so you can get over things, so how do people achieve this with only online?

Ahh ya gotta love the thinking mind lol.   Thanks, angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 6:05:52 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

Hi the dark,

I worded that weirdly but basically it was the reason for the online relationship was to lead to an offline M/s relationship.  I also concluded the concept of actions not meeting words from the information.  But there has to be more i imagine than just the absolute of you are able to start fresh or you aren't.  In regular relationships, there are more senses and things that create the ability for wounds to heal so you can get over things, so how do people achieve this with only online?

Ahh ya gotta love the thinking mind lol.   Thanks, angel


Ok... I think I get it... (you will have to let me know if I stray)
 
I honestly do believe that it is that black and white.  At least it is for me.  If you are a person who can't, then subjects will keep coming up.  Even in 'regular' relationships I have seen people throw past occurances back in the face of their partner, even occurances that the partner was never involved in...(as in a past relationship before being with your present one).  You either get over it with the reassurence your partner can give and that is upheld by action as well as words, or you can't.
 
It's about trusting your partner and that is built on by example and by follow through.
Optimisim is a factor in any relationship.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 6:13:30 AM   
AnnaOfAramis


Posts: 523
Joined: 7/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

how do you stop a downward spiral that started with the Man losing the trust of the woman based on his actions, or visa versa, then it seems that every conversation had after that tends to end up in a fighting and childish tantrums of both parties no matter that the parties were trying not to have that happen and blame for same being cast by both parties? Is there a way to get beyond that and move to a point where the parties aren't constantly braced for negative reactions or actions from the other person and it always coming to pass or is it best to just move on?


When conversations keep ending up in fights, it is probably as you say that because each of you is "braced for a negative reaction" that you both respond to things as though they were and, in essence, bring about that which you are actually seeking to avoid. To get past this point, I would suggest that it would be best to lay down some ground rules for conversation for a little while. Such as agreeing on a certain phrase which, when uttered by the other, would end the topic before it got out of hand. For example, "I need to come back to this topic later because it is going to get me upset" or whatever phrase works for the two of you. Once said this would have to be respected immediately without any snippiness by the person who still wants to discuss the topic. But at least, it won't degenerate to name calling and spiral out of control. Especially, as you are talking about online, and media used for communicating may cause it's own confusions. Regarding communicating without it turning into arguments, there is a great book that I recommend called "Tongue Fu" by Sam Horn. It's full of examples of how something said one way can turn into an argument, but phrased slightly differently, can diffuse negativity. I found it very helpful to me. Being gentle with one another and being careful with your conversations for awhile might be enough to get you past it, and actively working on strategies- preferably together- to avoid arguments might help you both be able to trust each other enough to trust that the conversation won't disintegrate, if you know that there is a mechanism in place to catch you both when you start to fall. If that doesn't work, then at some point you may have to wonder whether your particular combination just doesn't complement each other well and move on.

Best wishes,

anna

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 6:31:02 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: illuminateme
i am new to this....  what are people's thoughts about having D/s relationship online. Is it possible to have one? What is expected f rom the Dom and the sub? What can both do to achieve this kind of relationship?
thanks

Hi Illuminateme:  Welcome to collarme.  As Darcy and The Dark pointed out, there is a built-in bias on collarme against online relationships.  Personally, I find that very interesting since many of the self-same people will support the idea of a long distance relationship and for the life of me, other than degree, I'm unable to see the difference.

Relationships online, are of course different than ones that are hosted in the physical world.  They are no less real.  Something that people often forget is that the evil computers are nothing new.  Taking a look at an environment like SecondLife for instance, what you have is two people participating in a relationship with a technological communication medium in between them.  It is no different or less real than a telephone call or video conference.  But such relationships are driven by some very different needs and priorities.  Here's some of the key differences I've observed.

What "carries" over the technology:  Emotional and intellectual things are transmitted fairly well over current technologies.  In this context, that's the dominance and submission.  The other parts of BDSM -- bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism, really don't carry all that well.  So while I think that you can participate in a D/s relationship online, I do not think you can experiment with SM.  This is just a function of understanding the tool you are using to facilitate the communication and it's weaknesses and strengths.

Focus:  Typically, in online environments, what you are seeing is only one tiny slice of the total person.  Consider yourself for instance.  If you enter into an online relationship, you will be there to explore dominance and/or submission.  Not to shop for groceries, become a better artist, or anything else.  Of all of the zillions of needs and wants that you have as a human being, you'll probably only be exploring a small slice of them.  That kind of skews things online and makes everything a bit larger than life.  There's nothign wrong with that, just be aware of it.

Timescales:  Internet relationships, for whatever reasons, tend to run on internet timescales.  At least in SecondLife, it is my estimation that the average life expectancy of a relationship is about 4-6 weeks, start to finish... from the moment some sub declares that she's found her one true master to the moment that it falls apart.  You just need to understand that in real life, there are lots of things that butress and support a relationship which don't exist online and make holding it together over long periods much harder.

Lying:  For a wide variety of reasons, but typically to make onself more attractive to one's target audience.  A great deal of lying is done online.  I jokingly say that every single "dom" I met in SecondLife invented BDSM and ran a 2 century old slave training school in Europe and every "sub" I met in SecondLife had been a real life collared slave for the last 60 years.  It always made me wonder where all the collars and leashes were in my grocery store if there were this many people doing this in real life *laughs*.

Exploration:  Remember that it would not be just you who's exploring, but also your partner.  In general, "exploring" implies less of a commitment to the relationship than, say, getting married in real life *laughs*.  Expecting much permanence from such things is asking a lot.

OK, so to your question, "what is expected from the dom and sub?"  The answer is, of coruse, whatever each expects of the other.  It is true, however, that you'll find A LOT of online doms have almost no experience and everything they learned of BDSM came from "The Story of O". So don't be too surprised when you see the ultra-badass dom behavior and the "I exist only to serve" sub behavior.  Those are caricatures drawn from the only source material most people have... literature and media.  In the end though, any working relationship must work in both directions.  Anyone who tells you differently needs a reality check.

What both can do is to approach the relationship in the spirit of genuine exploration rather than getting some "hawt sweaty cyber sex".  You will not be the only one looking to genuinely explore.  You just need to be a bit choosey is all.

For the record, my wife and I explored BDSM activities online first with other partners, then with each other, and finally in real life. So online "worked" for us. 

I hope that helps
~Jeff

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to illuminateme)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 7:14:49 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel
how do you stop a downward spiral that started with the Man losing the trust of the woman based on his actions, or visa versa, then it seems that every conversation had after that tends to end up in a fighting and childish tantrums of both parties no matter that the parties were trying not to have that happen and blame for same being cast by both parties?  Is there a way to get beyond that and move to a point where the parties aren't constantly braced for negative reactions or actions from the other person and it always coming to pass or is it best to just move on?

angel


If one party lost the respect of the other, why is there still a relationship?

Confess, apologize, discuss honestly where to go forward, and make damn sure it doesn't happen again.  Perhaps trust and respect can be reearned.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 7:52:41 AM   
DavidS8ist


Posts: 97
Joined: 7/8/2004
From: NY
Status: offline 		My only issue with "on-line" relationships is the nagging one of "...is the other person really who they say they are?"  I don't doubt the intensity of emotion, the willingness to please or be pleased.

But the "does he fart in bed/does she brush her teeth" test is lacking. 

So while it's all well and good to pursue an on-line relationship, it's a damned-sight different from her waking up with a bad case of cramps and three sick kids while she's trying to get ready for work and you out of her hair.  On-line is certainly a more sanitized way of doing it than face to face.

D.

< Message edited by DavidS8ist -- 9/2/2008 7:53:33 AM >

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 8:17:09 AM   
uniqueII


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/21/2008
Status: offline 		Hi i think it is hard when fights start online and you can't see the expression of one another and the english language lacks something and we only  have our eyes, the other senses are cut off so it is hard to know how what might have been said is meant.

i also believe that when people fight and have arguments it is because the relationship IS important.  The people wouldn't fight if they didn't care about each other, even though that sounds weird.   My grandmother use to always say to me relationships will not survive if both parties stop fighting to keep it.  We fight to save our relationships because they are important to us.

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 8:38:53 AM   
AnnaOfAramis


Posts: 523
Joined: 7/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Of all of the zillions of needs and wants that you have as a human being, you'll probably only be exploring a small slice of them. That kind of skews things online and makes everything a bit larger than life.


quote:

You just need to understand that in real life, there are lots of things that buttress and support a relationship which don't exist online and make holding it together over long periods much harder.


I think these two statements are really insightful. I think those do need to be taken into account when getting to know someone online. Things get skewed that would normally be balanced by other things in real life. It is probably important to try to keep that in mind and give people a bit of latitude in online cases, until you can meet for real and put the whole picture in place.

Very nicely said!
anna

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 8:47:55 AM   
uniqueII


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/21/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnnaOfAramis

quote:

Such as agreeing on a certain phrase which, when uttered by the other, would end the topic before it got out of hand.


That was a great idea and i have used that principle when dealing with my family using the code word yellow giving us an opportunity to bring things down it has stopped so many arguments

(in reply to AnnaOfAramis)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 9:34:52 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: illuminateme

i am new to this....  what are people's thoughts about having D/s relationship online. Is it possible to have one? What is expected f rom the Dom and the sub? What can both do to achieve this kind of relationship?
thanks


Once upon a time I got far too emotionally attached to a woman online. It was not a situation that could turn into r/t nor was it something I was looking for or intended upon happening.

I believe that when discussing internet/phone/long distance relationships, there certainly can be very real emotions involved. Unfortunately it is not a complete relationship. There is too much lacking, too many holes left gaping. At least that is the way it is for me. Maybe others prefer it that way.

After that painful little learning experience, I promised myself that NO ONE was going to be taken seriously until I spent actual physical time with them and they showed a high probability of sticking around.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to illuminateme)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 10:20:49 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DavidS8ist
But the "does he fart in bed/does she brush her teeth" test is lacking. 



If the relationship is to be solely online, then such issues don't matter in any way; neither party will ever have to contend with it. 

To the OP, If the goal is to eventually bring the two parties together in person, then it's true - one never knows until they actually meet. 

My very first D/s experience was online only, and lasted a few years.  He and I are still in touch and remain friends, 5 years later.  We were never physical together, but he did help me work through some very limiting inhibitions I used to have, and the emotions we felt for each other were very real, based on our connection and what we knew of each other. 

My last relationship was both physical and online.  We saw each other regularly but lived 2 hours apart.  It was the most intense relationship, the most intense love and the most intense physical experience I've ever had.  He owned my heart, which ended up meaning for me that it didn't matter what his gross habits were; I loved him and all that came with him. 

The thing about online / long distance, is that there really is "fantasy" incorporated into it.  I saw of him what he allowed me to see.  My mind filled in the blanks with my own interpretations or desires.  It's a natural human occurrance to do that, and it didn't really interfere with our connection.  We didn't "cyber play", but I did provide live porn shows for him on cam, which were fun. 

There are some people here who have written brilliant posts about online relationships.  I recommend you read a recent post from softness, found here,  and some really good posts by Noah, found here and here.  

You'll find varied responses on this subject. Some will vehemently express that online is only fantasy without an ounce of reality.  Others will counter those arguments.  What works for you will be unique to you.  My opinion is that there are difficulties that an online relationship presents which aren't experienced real-time and there are difficulties a real-time relationship presents which aren't experienced online.  Only you can know what will work for you, and you may not know until you experience it.  :)

(in reply to DavidS8ist)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 10:31:38 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: illuminateme

i am new to this....  what are people's thoughts about having D/s relationship online. Is it possible to have one? What is expected f rom the Dom and the sub? What can both do to achieve this kind of relationship?
thanks


(I have not read the responses yet so sorry if i say the same thing as someone else)

an online only relationship is completely possible and doable. It can be very menatlly fullfilling.

But.....

Online only if you are totally monogamus to your online partner is very lonely, very physically lacking, and very fustrating.

Anything is possible if you are willing to put the needed work into it.

It all depends on what you want to get out of it.

I've found in my experience, online only or extremely long distance relationships are very hard, very stressful, and not always but alot of the time heart breaking in the end.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to illuminateme)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 10:32:00 AM   
zuki


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline 		Online relationships can be good. The one that i had for a while was very intense and because all we had was talking we did alot of it, about everything and anything. For a little while, he knew me better than anyone else alive, i told him things i may never tell another soul. The talking and listening to each other can often disappear after the fist flush of getting to know a person at the beginning of a relationship. Ironically real life can get in the way sometimes and the communication can slow down considerably. my online relationship ended when we started talking about the possibility of meeting in real life. Meeting became our focus instead of us, our relationship and friendship. i still look back on it as on of the most intense relationships i ever had though.

< Message edited by zuki -- 9/2/2008 10:33:32 AM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 11:03:36 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Let us not forget the most important factor of any online relationship which is WHO the other person is, what they mean to you, what they could mean to you, and where that relationship goes.

I feel it's important to remember that all those people who wouldn't entertain an online relationship in any form have probably never encountered that special person who rocked their world enough to stop and consider it and I would even wager that if they did, they would change their opinion without even considering it.

Does this mean they're wrong? No it doesn't. Their opinions are perfectly valid. It isn't the same as a real time relationship even though at times it may seem that way because you're dealing with words and feelings and emotions. Those actors on the screen at the movie theater, you don't need to meet them, but they can still make you laugh, cry and get angry just the same as actors on a stage. The one thing an online relationship lacks is physical intimacy, the feeling of being in the other person's presence.

Online relationships are wonderful for getting to know someone from the inside, developing a long term relationship but what is really important to remember that it is only online, and for the relationship to develop you also need to be offline and working separately towards a common goal or purpose. You're getting to know someone as a person, for who they are but because you're not together there's a special emphasis which is best placed on total honesty, openness, and communication. If you're not sure whether that other person on the other end of the computer is for real or stringing you along, then you need to stop and consider why you're sitting on the other end of the network enabling the process. Trust and confidence are of paramount importance.

It's not the same as a real time relationship, but there's plenty of opportunity to build the solid foundations, do the groundwork and do the homework before that time when the pudding reveals the proof or not.

But I stand by what I wrote above, it's not what you do, how you do it or why, but who you are doing it with.

_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q

(in reply to MasterAramis)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 11:16:57 AM   
MasterAramis


Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

i also believe that when people fight and have arguments it is because the relationship IS important.


Yes Z, this also can be very true at times. By the way your grandmother was very wise.

Lastly you didn't think you were going to sneak in here without me noticing did you?? It's nice to see you posting. Your room is almost ready!

Aramis

P.S. That vanilla cone does not suit you my dear slave!

< Message edited by MasterAramis -- 9/2/2008 11:18:17 AM >

(in reply to uniqueII)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 12:02:15 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Thanks for all the insight folks, i think a big issue with people online relationships is the ability for people to not have any integrity and to lie because they know the other people can't really know the truth.  I've never understood the need for people to lie to people..  But oh well, live and learn is my motto. But its amazing what you find out after the fact.  I appreciate the time people took and offer an apology if the OP saw my questions as an tangent.

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to MasterAramis)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 1:49:22 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		I am one who thinks online relationships can be a starting place especially in the beginning and depending on what you are looking for. All relationships take work and online relationships certainly have their challenges since you lack the physical closeness. It is up to the Dom and sub to define the expectations from an online relationship. A couple things to consider is will you want to take it to real time? Can you overcome or want to overcome the distance factor? Does the distance include a different time zone? I had a Dom in the UK who wanted an online relationship but I found the time difference just did not work for me. Online doesn't allow for physical needs to be met. I enjoyed my online experiences as it gave me the ability to experiment and interact with different people. It worked for me because I was allowed to play with others for the physical enjoyment if I desired. I primarily wanted to play and the mental aspect of online and self masturbation can be enjoyable but it is not for everyone. Now I have found someone who makes me very happy and although we are not 100 miles apart we do not live in the same city and although we see other once I week I am finding that I want/need to be with him more than that but due to aging parents that is not possible at this time. I wish you well on your journey. 

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 4:17:11 PM   
AnnaOfAramis


Posts: 523
Joined: 7/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

i think a big issue with people online relationships is the ability for people to not have any integrity and to lie because they know the other people can't really know the truth.


Unfortunately, the reverse is often true too. Due to the online medium, misunderstandings occur and one may believe they have been lied to when in fact they haven't. When in doubt seek clarification!

Best wishes,

anna

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: online D/s relationship... - 9/2/2008 5:52:37 PM   
uniqueII


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/21/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you Master Aramis

zee

(in reply to MasterAramis)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: online D/s relationship... Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.098