Checking In/Up and Communication

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WhiplashSmile2 -> Checking In/Up and Communication (9/2/2008 8:18:57 AM)
This thread is is about a specific type of protocols and rules, those that are centered upon checking in/up with one another and communication about what is going on. The words protocols and rules can have negative meanings for some people out there, however, basically they are just a matter of established practices between two people and clear understanding how two people intereract with one another. Protocols and rules can be formal or informal. Some people think of these things as lists on paper for somebody to follow. That they are rather one sided as well. In terms of rules, protocols and rituals. I have always been of the mindset that these things apply to both parties in a D/s relationship or any relationship. That these things even apply to vanilla relationships. Because they are established expectations and serve a function or purpose. However in "the lifestyle" more focus is placed upon the development of such things. Which adds clarity to the relationship. These things can even be applied to DOM couple relationships or any relationship. Much of what we do in "the lifestyle" really not so far removed from human behavior and social conditioning and other concepts of the human race. Now in regards to protocols and practices, that are centered around communication. It's not that uncommon for a Dom/me to have check in times for a submissive/slave partner. That these are important moments to keep in touch and where the submissive is to apprise the Dom/me of things going and so on. Also, for the sub/slave partner to call and ask for permission before going places, or at the very least to inform their Dom/me partner of where they are going and for how long. I know this all seems and appears to be very one sided, in terms of the sub/slave being the one to do the checking in with their Dom/me partner. What I just expressed is as such. However, what if the Dom/me is not available during the check in time? The sub/slave makes several attempts to no avail? They start to wonder what is going on with their Dom/me partner, why they are not there. Basically they are doing what they are supposed to do, however they can not accomplish the task at hand because the Dom/me is no where to be found. What amazes me, is that there are posts on the message board time and time again. Dom/me partners going poof for hours, days, or weeks at a time. Not making themselves available to the submissive partner. Leaving them to wonder what is going on. With that said, what some people fail to want to admit to themselves at times, is basic understanding of human nature. This is not really a Dom issue, a submissive issue. It's a human issue. Just as much a Dom/me expects a submissive to check in, they have the responsibility to make themselve available or else the rule or protocols are worthless. It undermines and makes the submissive question trust and belief. They start to wrestle with doubts and fears. Even more so when their Dom/me partner has a tendancy to go poof without explaination. I'm taking a deep breath here for a moment. Perhaps some new Dom/me to the lifestyle will read this, and it will make them think for a moment. Communication is a two way street. Communication is important. Along with it so is honestly. Sure some people might disagree with me on this one. However, if you want a long term relationship to last and be solid. Communication and honestly are important. D/s relationships are not on par with true real slavery. D/s relationships require the interaction of two people. Rules and protocols should be honored and respected on both sides of the fence. There's nothing wrong with a Dom/me calling up thier submissive partner, letting the submissive know what they are up to, and where they are going and when they are coming back. I'm not expressing a Dom/me ask for permission to go places or do things. I'm advocating simply having basic human consideration and respect, along with respecting the Rules and Protocols of the D/s relationship. I personally, have no issue in reporting or updating my status with a submissive partner. It really does not make me any less of a Dom. If anything, I consider it to make me more Dom and less like a an asshole that creates meaningless rules, or lives life by a set of double standards. I think some people create rules for other people, that they themselves can not follow for whatever mental issues or ilks. Most of the rules, protocals and expections I have are based in reality. There is a purpose or reason behind them. Some are to encourage and support something called communication. In all honestly, I don't understand the apparent blindness of many of my so called DOM orientation peers. I don't see how they expect to maintain the Authority or power dynamics of their D/s relationships for very long. I see D/s relationship being built on very shaky ground without a lack of basic solid foundations. Perhaps, I'm just being too Vanilla here or something. Perhaps I have this whole "lifestyle" thing all backwards or something. That I've been doing things wrong for so many years. I just know I've tried to apply eithics, realism, and common sense at times. More so then attempt to transform a D/s into some bad fantasy image of Hollywood BDSM. Anyways, I suppose this thread is a bit of a rant. It's also part of my own personal perspective. It's something I wish to express and share with others. Something for new comers to the lifestyle to think about for a moment. I really don't believe I'm too far off base, or that I'm totally wacked out. If this makes me seem Vanilla, lol.. well so be it. Just for those that don't practice communication as a two way street, let me know how well it works out for you in the long run, or for the long term. If it works out great, perhaps I might change my mind some on this matter.

leadership527 -> RE: Checking In/Up and Communication (9/2/2008 10:54:35 AM)
Ahhh, the not-so-secret secret. How dare you expose the inner complexities of domming to the outside world laughs. I would say that every rule a dominant makes binds the dominant just as surely as it binds the submissive. If I say to my wife that she must call me at 6:00pm, then BOTH of us suddenly need to be available at a phone at 6:00pm. I commanded myself as thoroughly as I commanded her. By extension, it is prudent dom behavior to not let "rule bloat" happen since it's just as annoying to the dom as the sub. Fundamentally, as you write, EVERYTHING really is a two-way street. The expression of things change from one role to the other, but things, in general, go both ways. That's kind of an inescapable condition when the two people are emotionally wound up in each other. A 6 foot leash is 6 feet in both directions See also: Des's quote in my sig. And yes Whip, you're beginning to sound dangerously vanilla. Why don't you and I petition for a new discussion board, "Ask a vanilla person?" addition: sheez, and I almost forgot to comment on the command itself. Personally, if I was to be separated from my wife for any period of time, I would absolutely think a command designed to ensure that we continue to feel connected despite the distance made a lot of sense. If I was stupid enough to structure such a command so that it was always a pain in the ass for her and always convenient for me... well... I'm sure I can find a new woman as wonderful as she is given a few billion years of searching.

Prinsexx -> RE: Checking In/Up and Communication (9/2/2008 11:06:06 AM)
i have an agreed report time eveery day; immediately upon waking and immediately before going to sleep. This is the sameif we are in the same household or apart, or indeed whenver i sleep or wake up and my habit is typically European as i have lived in europe so my body is used to taking a siesta. i'm quite co-dependent and don;t apologse for feeling this way. When i wake and i go to sleep i am temporarily leaving my Master so it supports me to report to Him in this way. It makes me feel bonded. It's delicious. (And yes it's a two way street).

califsue -> RE: Checking In/Up and Communication (9/2/2008 1:22:55 PM)
I write once in the morning and again in the evening. In the begininning with Master it was write when I want but now it is expected. However, sometimes he is not as good at keeping in touch and one time I sent an email asking what was up and he responded and said he was a "Bad" Master. He apologized and said he always thought he was a good communicator but wasn't doing as a good as job as he should have been. I told him he wasn't a bad Dom and since then he has done better in keeping in touch. We live about 75 miles apart and he tries to come out every week-end but he and I both have aging parents and other issues that prevent it and us from living/being together 24/7 at this time.

silkncarol -> RE: Checking In/Up and Communication (9/2/2008 4:09:24 PM)
I agree with your statement Leadership........character is essentially the sum or your behavior...and it should be important on both sides of that leash. I believe you get as good as you give........ quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 Ahhh, the not-so-secret secret. How dare you expose the inner complexities of domming to the outside world laughs. I would say that every rule a dominant makes binds the dominant just as surely as it binds the submissive. If I say to my wife that she must call me at 6:00pm, then BOTH of us suddenly need to be available at a phone at 6:00pm. I commanded myself as thoroughly as I commanded her. By extension, it is prudent dom behavior to not let "rule bloat" happen since it's just as annoying to the dom as the sub. Fundamentally, as you write, EVERYTHING really is a two-way street. The expression of things change from one role to the other, but things, in general, go both ways. That's kind of an inescapable condition when the two people are emotionally wound up in each other. A 6 foot leash is 6 feet in both directions See also: Des's quote in my sig. And yes Whip, you're beginning to sound dangerously vanilla. Why don't you and I petition for a new discussion board, "Ask a vanilla person?" addition: sheez, and I almost forgot to comment on the command itself. Personally, if I was to be separated from my wife for any period of time, I would absolutely think a command designed to ensure that we continue to feel connected despite the distance made a lot of sense. If I was stupid enough to structure such a command so that it was always a pain in the ass for her and always convenient for me... well... I'm sure I can find a new woman as wonderful as she is given a few billion years of searching.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Checking In/Up and Communication (9/2/2008 4:48:46 PM)
For me the difference is EXPECTATIONS. Yes, my partner and I have things we do on a regular basis, little personal rituals we've created together, our regular rythms and such. But there's no EXPECTATION of us doing it that way. There's no attachment to it being "the way." I think that's the key difference here. It also boils down to a persons communication style. Right now I'm going through a lot of stressful stuff. This stuff takes a lot of my time and effort and makes other things difficult. But it hasn't slowed down my posting. Because this is where I relax, this is where I go away for awhile to focus on something enjoyable. Meanwhile, excellent emails sit unresponded to in my inbox. Because those require intimacy, those require really good thoughts and introspection and they deserve some real personalized attention. Just how I am. Now, most doms are just insecure louts who want a handful of leashes and have no idea how to walk a dog. And some subs are indeed psycho freaks so co dependent they couldn't crawl out of a wet paper bag unless they were ordered to do so while having an orgasm. But lack of communication does not necessarily mean something, however the EXPECTATION of a lack may.

sistermargaret -> RE: Checking In/Up and Communication (9/2/2008 5:01:58 PM)
i'm required to e-mail Him a Journal entry every day. sometimes He'll text an answer, often He won't. But He does most of the talking on the phone and in person, which is often enough. When i journal i can write anything on my mind without interuption, in my jammies, feet kicked up and coffee at hand. i'm relaxed, calm, and reflective. i don't studder in t-t-type :) When He calls we chat about this or that or He will comment on my journal or He will give me direction. He's always patient and kind. i think W/we communicate well.

yourMissTress -> RE: Checking In/Up and Communication (9/2/2008 5:26:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2 This thread is is about a specific type of protocols and rules, those that are centered upon checking in/up with one another and communication about what is going on. ... Communication is a two way street. Communication is important. Along with it so is honestly. Sure some people might disagree with me on this one. However, if you want a long term relationship to last and be solid. Communication and honestly are important. D/s relationships are not on par with true real slavery. D/s relationships require the interaction of two people. Rules and protocols should be honored and respected on both sides of the fence. There's nothing wrong with a Dom/me calling up thier submissive partner, letting the submissive know what they are up to, and where they are going and when they are coming back. I'm not expressing a Dom/me ask for permission to go places or do things. I'm advocating simply having basic human consideration and respect, along with respecting the Rules and Protocols of the D/s relationship. Oh oh, now everyone knows the secrets. Hmmm. What's up with that? It's all a two way street. Communication is always a two way street, in any medium; without a listener and a speaker, or a reader and a writer there is no communication. Both partners must interact and participate in a relationship or there is no relationship. There may not be, and rarely is even in vanilla relationships, an equality in the amount or types of participation and interaction, but equality is all in the perception of the partners involved. Rituals and protocols that are obeyed by one and ignored by the other, consistently, have the possibility of creating poor behavior in other areas, resentment, and an erosion of trust and respect.

IvyMorgan -> RE: Checking In/Up and Communication (9/2/2008 5:36:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 I would say that every rule a dominant makes binds the dominant just as surely as it binds the submissive. If I say to my wife that she must call me at 6:00pm, then BOTH of us suddenly need to be available at a phone at 6:00pm. I commanded myself as thoroughly as I commanded her. By extension, it is prudent dom behavior to not let "rule bloat" happen since it's just as annoying to the dom as the sub. smiles We like this bit.

DesFIP -> RE: Checking In/Up and Communication (9/2/2008 6:57:17 PM)
If I have a question, or a problem, and can't reach him, I'm supposed to call red. Meaning I tell him later that I made an executive decision not to do what he wanted and why. I don't need to get myself in a jam to fulfill a desire of his that turns out to be unworkable. My classic example here is the time back when we were ldr. Since he routinely wants me dressed in short skirts and heels when he's in the middle of some really messy job, he sent me such an order in an email. However he forgot that I was helping chaperone a school hiking trip to the top of a mountain for hawk flyover and over glaciated stone. Obviously I wasn't going to follow directions, nor did I need to be late trying to get permission. I just used common sense. On the other hand, if I'm not supposed to go out places that involve drinking alcohol when I have to drive home, I don't get to agree to meet a friend for a drink if I can't reach him. Either I don't go or I drink iced tea. Oh, and leadership, I never noticed you had quoted me. Thank you. Does this mean I'm finally getting my 15 minutes of fame?

E2Sweet -> RE: Checking In/Up and Communication (9/2/2008 10:27:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2 ...D/s relationships are not on par with true real slavery. D/s relationships require the interaction of two people... Indeed. It is fairly easy for those that are new to the "D" side of D/s (and those who are predators) to latch onto the ridiculous notion that by claiming the title of Dominant, they can actually have relationships where they themselves possess the vast majority of the power, be stealthy and selfish with regard to wants and needs within the dynamic, and still get lots of kinky sex, and give minimal or no real effort in return. The truth of the matter is: You are not going to be able to be chronically lazy and expect to maintain a health D/sM/s relationship. You can tweak your tactics, or try to spin the BS a different way every time you try it, but it will rarely ever last. The folks on the "s" side sooner or later will wise up (or just become fed-up) and put a stop to the nonsense. quote: ...In all honestly, I don't understand the apparent blindness of many of my so called DOM orientation peers. I don't see how they expect to maintain the Authority or power dynamics of their D/s relationships for very long. I see D/s relationship being built on very shaky ground without a lack of basic solid foundations... Based on my experience, I can divide D-types into roughly three different flavors: There are the ones who want to succeed at this and simply are not ready to go forward and make it work, due to lack of some key element to succeed (experience, knowledge, problem solving skills, patience, self-confidence, yada yada yada). They don't quite have all the pieces of the puzzle in place yet, but they likely will, given a little time. There are also those who are too lazy, too selfish, or are too wrapped up in immediate gratification to succeed (I call them lost-causes). But, there are also some that do have what is required to participate in and manage healthy relationships. They've chosen to do the work, pay their dues, and learn the skills necessary to make their partner and themselves happy. All they need is one (or more) compatible SO. My guess is, you're running into a number of folks from the first two groups I've mentioned.

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