RE: Codependency and this lifestyle

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RE: Codependency and this lifestyle - 9/3/2008 3:37:08 PM

TysGalilah

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Co-dependancy....
When I was living in my co-dependancy > I put everyones needs above mine but in fact never met my own needs or even thought about them frankly.
I think the biggest difference for me now, in my healthy relationship with a d/s dynamic where I am serving someone elses needs and desires to please him > Is that my needs ARE met and taken care of ...by him. And I am not trying to please every one around me for validation or affirmation any longer. I am serving from a place of self-validation first.

My serving another comes from a place of strength, not neediness. I use to NEED to please to feel strong, now I am strong and can serve. I prefer to serve but I won't parish or cease to exist if I am not.
so I am not doing it to the detriment or exclusion of myself, as I use to when I was co-dependant.

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RE: Codependency and this lifestyle - 9/3/2008 3:43:19 PM

kiwisub12

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Nice post - and i agree with it all. As i told my ex - i would rather he wanted me than needed me. Need is dysfunctional, want is from a postion of equality.

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RE: Codependency and this lifestyle - 9/3/2008 4:05:48 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
It would seem that codependency is a common theme in relationships here....and if you look at it from some angles it almost seems that it is an integral part of power exchange relationships....and it makes me wonder if such relationships could survive if there was absolutely no codependent component. Thoughts?

Last time I tried to describe my relationship to my partner as co-dependent, lots of people told me they felt otherwise in very well thought out discussion.

A) It's not power exchange to me, it's authority transfer

B) I see no evidence of it being any more ACTUALLY prevalent in Ds vs vanilla relationships

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1872381/mpage_1/key_dependent/tm.htm#1872599
Needing or Wanting to be Needed or Wanted

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RE: Codependency and this lifestyle - 9/3/2008 5:54:18 PM

MadRabbit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
Thoughts?

An element that I look for and focus on to some degree, more or less could be defined as codependance.

Now if we defined it as such, so what?

I don't particularly see the inherent negative of it. I want my girl to feel good about herself and think the best of her. I can see it being negative if the partner validating the other partner's existance was someone who degraded her and put down her self esteem and self worth.

But if it is something positive and constructive coming from it, then where is the wrong for it? Why should we stop this or fix the issue?

I mean, if my girl was looking to EVERYONE to validate her self esteem and not solely me, then that would be an issue defiently.

Those are my thoughts reading the article.

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RE: Codependency and this lifestyle - 9/3/2008 6:01:16 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

and it makes me wonder if such relationships could survive if there was absolutely no codependent component. Thoughts?

yes it is possible

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RE: Codependency and this lifestyle - 9/3/2008 6:15:15 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

I see your point. I think that it is possible to be in a bdsm/sm/ds relationship without a core of co-dependency, but it requires truly healthy people, who are honest about why they are getting into the relationship and what they expect to get out of it. I tend to call the unhealthy version of interaction you're talking about 'co-dependency', and the healthier version practiced by self-aware, stable people "interdependence".

There is a difference between Functional Co-dependency as compared to Dysfunctional Co-Dependency. Both are unhealthy situations by only one is there going to an awareness of things are going wrong.

In a functional Co-dependency.. the given partners are both doing what they need to do to keep the relationship going and are engageing in co-dependency. but the moment one partner increases there need (the dependency) beyond the ability of the other to meet that need or a partner starts to reduce the fullfillment of that need(the dependency) you have an unstable situations and the relationship will become dysfunctional. This is when the damage of the unhealthy situation becomes overwhelmingly evident.

having an Inter-dependent relationship takes healthy people and is very different than a Co-dependency dynamic. the dependency is very different in the two.

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RE: Codependency and this lifestyle - 9/3/2008 6:30:16 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

having an Inter-dependent relationship takes healthy people and is very different than a Co-dependency dynamic. the dependency is very different in the two.

I don't know if I can express this properly... but here goes.

I think that, to me, the difference in dependency you describe is that in a healthy relationship (what I call "interdependent"), we understand that both sides have needs, and we know that we can count on the other person being dependable about things we've agreed to or crises that are out of both of our control where one person can help the other to help hirself.

In the unhealthy version (which I will concede to form and call co-dependency, functional or not), the participant fosters -dependence- in hirself and in the other, and hangs on the other person, waiting for that other person to help hir because xhe believes xhe -can't- help hirself.

I don't know if that made sense... but I gave it the ol' college try. *Grins*

Calla Firestorm

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RE: Codependency and this lifestyle - 9/3/2008 6:38:42 PM

KnightofMists

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to add to your comments.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

I think that, to me, the difference in dependency you describe is that in a healthy relationship (what I call "interdependent"), we understand that both sides have needs, and we know that we can count on the other person being dependable about things we've agreed to or crises that are out of both of our control where one person can help the other to help hirself.

I would add. that though we count on the person and depend on this person to do so.. we appreciate that we can do it ourselves or others can do it to... the person that we count is not the only person in the universe that can do the job. It is just the person we have choose to do so.. and they have also choose to do so... but the decision can change and we will be ok if that happens.

quote:

In the unhealthy version (which I will concede to form and call co-dependency, functional or not), the participant fosters -dependence- in hirself and in the other, and hangs on the other person, waiting for that other person to help hir because xhe believes xhe -can't- help hirself.

simply.. the person is so emotional locked that they can't see or believe others or even themselves can do the job... this is the person and only person that can make me feel Happy!!!

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 9/3/2008 6:39:27 PM >

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