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RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 7:43:21 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

One of the great advantages of the local community is that people are a "known commodity". Unless they are a Lone Ranger operating in isolation, others already know them; know if they are single or married, know if they have had a series of "bad experiences" with partners (ie: there is an established pattern of behavior), know if they have a habit of lying, etc.

Beyond the obvious socialization and educational opportunities inherent to real time communities, people have reputations that are (largely) well earned (those that disparage such reputations are typically those who have earned poor reputations).

John

(in reply to Delvin)

Post #: 21

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 8:24:43 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

i know we've spoken before about safety and rushing into things; i have taken that advice to heart. What i am curious about is whether anyone has any ideas about a better mousetrap -- a better way to ascertain early on whether the Man will ever be willing to meet in real life.

candystripper

I can only say that after ending up essentially wasting time with people who had no interest in meeting I started to make it clear that i ran a munch and the first way to meet me was that munch. If they weren't able to get to the munch (due to work since it was on a SAturday) then they had to be willing to meet within a month just for coffee. And I also paid attention to whether they were already involved in the local scene or at least willing to - that told me a lot about how much they were actually willing to meet (in general).

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 22

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 8:42:10 AM

slavedesires

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

John,
I was involved in the local community for over 2 years. I wish NOT to go back there, not in my neck of the woods. For many of the same reasons others in my area do not join the groups regularly. The occasional Holloween Ball or Christmas party... possibly, since that is when the lingerers come out of the woodwork.
It has been my expereince that those on the outskirts of functions, those who are there to find potential partners or those there to learn about real life situations find themselves wading through multiple layers of folk who know each other for years, have partners, are set in their ways, are clique and thus many serious about who and what they are are not intersted in this type of generalized socialization, so they develope their own circle of friends and practice their own private munches.
Linger on the yahoo boards associated with these local groups and you will find the same thing... over 900 members and only a handful participate.

i dont know candystripper, no solutions to your concerns. the first thing that came to my mind when i read your initial post was..you are not asking for something NOT abtainable, but when a man realizes you need them to shed the sexual aspect of what you seek, then know they want to know if sexual compatability is there before they develope a need for relationship with you.

How do i do this with O/our search for another? How did Master do this with me?
He shared His writings with me while we chatted about who and what we were.
If i come home from a lousy day or incredible day at work and need to scene..and since i dont have a lilone...i sit at the computer and write my heart out. That is me, the sexual and desirous parts of me....i share those with potentials. They get to know me via email (i will NOT go to phone or IM for several weeks) and send them my writings or Master's. While we email and get to the know the person, they respond to the writings. Just O/our way. But if there is a connection, W/we demand to see the eyeballs asap so that our guts and instinct can make a real life decision to continue or leave it alone.

Chaff from wheat.... takes time and energy. I have been witness to a boy in a third world country sifting the husks from corn with a basket..takes loooooooooooooooong time, but well worth the effort. He is patient and knows his results are well worth the effort.

btw candystripper how can the shygirl return a message when blocked?

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 23

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff - 11/27/2005 8:45:12 AM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

quote:

Quibble: It's wheat from the chaff.

JohnWarren

Yes, Sir; Lady Zepher pointed that out already...but my "edit" function is misfiring and i cannot make the correction. So now the CM world will know i mixed metaphors; a crime punishable by writing 100 times on the blackboard "i will not mix metaphors". First i'll need the blackboard though.

If You have any alternative punishment ideas, please pass them on.

candystripper[/font][/size][/color]

After I wrote it, I found her comment and so deleted mine. Edit works only for a few minutes after the original post

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 24

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 8:56:18 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Hello candystripper--first of all let Me send you a huge virtual hug--it was a little over a year ago that I did a very similar post--GoddessDustyGold--was the one who responded with a hug for Me--she shared with us that she had screened through over 500 to get to maybe 10% in phone or F2F meetings (forgive Me Goddess if I have shared something, but you posted those in a public forum so felt sharing your wisdom would be acceptable)--since then, I have indeed screened through almost 250+--and the pattern you describe is the same--( I thought it was Me!)--and now to hear a Dom say the same thing---sooo it seems to be the way of things--I have learned tough, no matter how perfect one may seem-- if they aren't willing to keep up the communication, then I delete--it is very simple to let someone know what one's online schedule is so expectations are set correctly from the start--also if one uses an IM, use the messages to let people know what you are up to-- that helps--and yes, its always "you won't do what I want--so you are a fake" OH PUHLEEZ, BITE ME ON THAT ONE--LOL--the fact that you ask about values speaks volumes about you, and I would hope sends the fakers running--don't change, the right One will come--

as for the local scene, that thought you will see divided, Im sure, I don't do the local scene here, lovingly termed the testosterone triangle---I have gone though in other areas, not to look, more to learn--so if you are like many of us, this venue here affords the comfort and safety of privacy--and local groups seem to be better closer to metro areas--but again that is your decision----

so My advice, be patient, don't give up and stick to your values, trust Me the good Doms are just as frustrated that they can't get through the clutter to find you--smiles--

btw, yes I do believe wishes can come true--

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 11/27/2005 8:57:18 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 25

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 9:13:33 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

i dont know candystripper, no solutions to your concerns. the first thing that came to my mind when i read your initial post was..you are not asking for something NOT abtainable, but when a man realizes you need them to shed the sexual aspect of what you seek, then know they want to know if sexual compatability is there before they develope a need for relationship with you.

slavedesires

First, my apologies for blocking you; that was childish. i have already tried to unblock you but cannnot figure out how. In the meantime, you and i will be able to exchange ideas here -- and surely someone knows how to unblock.

i know what You have said is true; the majority of Men who contact me want to discuss sex and play to ascertain whether we are compatible on that level. i cannot approach a Man in this way. First, i am unwilling to answer intimate questions from a stranger. Second, my lack of experience and desire to please mean my sex and play desires will be shaped primarially by my One. So i have decided to limit my search to Men who are willing to change the subject and discuss values first. Finally, i believe in moving slowly; friendship first, then more if that seems wise. My friends are not privy to the most intimate details of my fantasy life and nor shall a Man i have just met. If this lengthens the search for my One, well, as Lady Zepher has said, the wait is worth it.

No one has yet spoken to what to do with the Men "in the middle"; those whose contact with me is intermittent. i'd appreciate some feedback on this.

candystripper

(in reply to slavedesires)

Post #: 26

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 9:16:40 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper
i know what You have said is true; the majority of Men who contact me want to discuss sex and play to ascertain whether we are compatible on that level.

Two specific things to help you:

A) Recognize that some people will choose not to be with you because you have no offline experience

B) Stop following every single line thrown at you just because it has a worm on it. Start to discriminate and learn patterns of obvious dorky behavior right from the start. That will cut down on your leads and pointless persuits.

For the generic advice, obviously you just have to try things to know what will work best for you. It's a long process of trial and error.

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 27

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff - 11/27/2005 9:19:57 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

After I wrote it, I found her comment and so deleted mine. Edit works only for a few minutes after the original post.

JohnWarren

Boy, You're not kidding. i was told we would have an hour, but obviously that time has been significantly cut. My problem is, i have never been able to proofread my own stuff until i set it down and come back to it...and even then, i miss things. Spell checker is not the be-all since i also make grammatical mistakes...and i find the font used to display the post to the author before entering it on the thread hard to see. All in all, not a great change for me. So i will need the members' forgiveness of my errors. However, i will admit i did not realise i had mixed metaphors until Lady Zepher said the phrase correctly; for that i do apologise.

candystripper

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 28

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 9:23:16 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Hello candystripper--first of all let Me send you a huge virtual hug.

MHOO314

What a gracious and lovely woman You are, Ma'am. i look forward to becoming Your friend.

Hugs to You.

candystripper

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 29

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 9:29:07 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

as do I candystripper--and IMHO, intermittent contact means intermittent attention and I'm sorry but in My experience that means Married---you are worth more, delete and move on---if He is a good one, He'll get His head out of his proverbial butt and get with the program---smiles

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 30

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff - 11/27/2005 9:31:55 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I was gonna post on this earlier in a completely different tack.

The men in the middle.

Some, I am sure, are casting about for a way to reach you, if reachable.
Some, are just looking for banter back and forth, friends; not sex.
Some, intimidated (not quite the right word, but I am to lazy to ponder and thereby produce the correct one. )
Some, just plain lonely.
Some, just plain unsure, and hoping to find the pivot.
Some......all the other reasons in the universe.

Why does there gotta be a why? Of what benefit is it?

Think of the standard bell curve, I know you are mathematically handicapped, you claimed as much....me too, but I program computers; so it can be dealt with........
some assholes, some way too nice and a whole universe in the middle.

Ron.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 31

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 9:32:31 AM

slavedesires

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

No one has yet spoken to what to do with the Men "in the middle"; those whose contact with me is intermittent. i'd appreciate some feedback on this.

candystripper

they are JUST NOT ALL THAT INTO YOU...

let them go .. not worth your time.

_____________________________

i speak only my personal opinion, sometimes O/ours.

"i am the keeper of fragile things and i have kept what is indisolvable."
....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 32

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 10:06:54 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

they are JUST NOT ALL THAT INTO YOU... let them go .. not worth your time.

slavedesires

Laughing; could you be a little more direct? Someday i must get that book from the library and read it...sounds hilarious.

candystripper

(in reply to slavedesires)

Post #: 33

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 10:12:21 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

What i am curious about is whether anyone has any ideas about a better mousetrap
========

actually????? the biggest problem is when you are hunting raccoon ya often end up tree-ing a possum too.
so ya just wasted your time and energy...and chased the dogs to somewhere way out of your area.
a better trap??/ gawd i wish.
i heard tell about using scents but sometimes even that is not good. weather conditions and all....
a better trap?
hmmm. i can only but fathom a guess in the dark?
when i was chasing dommes on the net, i found if i used a set of fool-proof questions...there were tell tale signs....
meaning-------
if your quarry is baring their teeth.....maybe you got one best left alone.
only deal with those docile enough you can get close to..
if they show real interest and act like they actually care.....ok.
if they start getting nervous...acting skittish....cut em loose.
usually that little voice inside will help you.....
i use 'a' list of questions.....equality....they want MY information.......i want theirs.....
if they dont wanna exchange equal info.......someone is trying to shuck n jive.

take care
best wishes
happy holidays

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 34

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 10:20:09 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

Just a suggestion to you (and anyone else who may feel they are in similar circumstances)... if the existing local groups do not cater to your needs, start your own. Others who feel the same way will seek you out.

Sometimes it's not enough to wait for someone else to provide the venue you desire. Sometimes you have to take action on your own behalf.

On the other hand, I'm sure there are a many good reasons that nothing can be done.

John

(in reply to slavedesires)

Post #: 35

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 10:22:44 AM

jamesthehumanrug

Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline

greetings candy stripper,
i thot you'd never ask!.....
as a slave who is new, to email domination(must be)
i'd look for shock to move me ,to the real thing
like hurt me ;double me ,over, to the core; the marrow, to THE- CENTER ....kill me!!, with your shocking distant words,
at least show me: you know what you're talking ,about
like you know me,in, other words...."MAKE ME ",in more ways, than one,
if
you
can.....
and, don't, forget ,to press, as hard, as you can....,so i can ,at least get a drift ,or a copy,of what you're trying,to say...
i remain:
your most humble slave
sincerely
with the ,upmost gratitude ,and ,thankfulness ,and,
very submissively ,always -yours truly.....,
in other words;
knock me down, too...

_____________________________

I REMAIN RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED
,LOVEles,
jamesthehumanrug

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 36

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff - 11/27/2005 10:38:34 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

After I wrote it, I found her comment and so deleted mine. Edit works only for a few minutes after the original post

JohnWarren

What? No alternative punishment ideas? i really don't want to buy a blackboard, LMAO.

candystripper

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 37

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff - 11/27/2005 10:41:07 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Think of the standard bell curve, I know you are mathematically handicapped, you claimed as much....me too, but I program computers; so it can be dealt with........
some assholes, some way too nice and a whole universe in the middle.

Ron.

Yeah; being blonde is a great Power and great handicap, LMAO.

candystripper

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 38

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Shaft - 11/27/2005 12:56:11 PM

EvilGeoff

Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Just a suggestion to you (and anyone else who may feel they are in similar circumstances)... if the existing local groups do not cater to your needs, start your own. Others who feel the same way will seek you out.

Sometimes it's not enough to wait for someone else to provide the venue you desire. Sometimes you have to take action on your own behalf.

John

I'll go on record here as seconding John's advice. This is exactly what I did to start T3WD. There was no local pan or het group here. And I got tired of travelling 90, 100, 240, 1100 miles to meet people, to attend educational events, to socialize and play. And after bitching and moaning for over 2 years about not having a local group, I got off my ass and MADE it happen. We just celebrated our 6th anniversary in August, so we must be doing something right.

Established groups can be intimidating to join. After all, the current members _do_ know each other, and you as a newbie, are an outsider. Caution regarding the unknown is a large factor in human nature, you just have to wait for curiousity to win out. With some of us the curiousity wins out a lot quicker than with others. We try to welcome newbies, to encourage them to come out to events, to get active and make things happen.

We even had a Special Interest Group (SIG = small subset of main group) that was intended for the groups singles to meet and mingle. It never really worked well because it was usually 6 - 7 submissive women, 1 Domme, and a couple of the older, more experienced couples who were attending for support. The "single" Doms wouldn't come out. (Kinda indicates to me that the guys claiming to be looking were NOT wanting their faces to become known to the larger group). After several tries at it, the gals gave up on the guys and the SIG folded.

(SIDE NOTE: I started going out with my janey after going to the Singles SIG. I think I was the ONLY single, available, unattached Dominant (there were a couple of switch males who attended a time or two) to attend more than one or two meetings)

Back to the THREAD: I also use participation in the local scene as _one_ of the major factors to consider. Since I'm out about my lifestyle, and am an activist and presenter, and community leader, if someone is not willing to meet me at a munch or presentation, I'm not the Dom for them and they sure as sunrise aren't the submissive or slave for me.

YIK,
- Geoff

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 39

RE: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff - 11/27/2005 12:59:45 PM

pollux

Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

What? No alternative punishment ideas? i really don't want to buy a blackboard, LMAO.

I've got one. You have to Google "Freudian slip" and then read all the links.

< Message edited by pollux -- 11/27/2005 1:00:02 PM >

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 40

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