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Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 11:48:08 AM

ThistleDown

Posts: 51
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline

How often do you (the sub) ask for, offer or suggest protocol/rituals/rules?
I just had a thought and I'm curious how common it is for the sub in a D/s relationship to initiate new rules etc and I was also wondering if it might be seen as too forward or "un-submissive"?

Sorry for the shortness, I'm on my way out the door and I didn't want to forget my thought.

Post #: 1

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 12:38:44 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

I have never initiated rules or rituals or protocals but if I feel having a certain thing in place to help facilitate my service to him I will discuss it with him. It is then his decision of it's implimented or not, or if something similar is brought in that he feels would be better for what he wants.

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(in reply to ThistleDown)

Post #: 2

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 12:44:03 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Fox has initiated several of our rituals. They began as things he either wanted to try, or had fantasized about. He asked permission to try them short term and they have caught on longterm and are still being used. I dont see it as "less submissive" to suggest or ask about rituals or things. Subs creating RULES I might have issues with, but thats along the lines of a kid setting their own curfew and then sticking to it. In newer relationships especially, including but not limited to when the sub has more experience than the dom, I think the ability to suggest activities, protocols and the base for rules is helpful. A lot of times, communication goes very slowly simply becasue the dom doesnt know what they should and shouldnt be setting rules for yet, and the sub, knowing more about what might interest both parties, should make suggestions. The dom is not going to necessarily like them all, but it can get the ball rolling somewhat.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 3

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 12:58:56 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I never have, but if there was something i would like to try, or would deepen my submission to him even more i would talk to him about it first, not just say i want it i will just do it. It is then his decision if he wants to implement it or not. If he does great ,if not also OK after all he is the Master.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 4

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 1:23:32 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I can suggest stuff, but if he's not interested in it, they won't happen.

Whether play or protocol, vanilla or kinky, his usual response to something new is to take time to investigate it and see if it attracts him. I don't push, just mention my interest and let him take it from there. Unfortunately a nighttime spanking is never going to be implemented as far as I can tell, alas.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 5

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 1:41:51 PM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

I have asked Milady for a photo shoot of me in her private play space to introduce me into the space. I don't have any photos of myself and want to get some good "enticing the rope people" pics to put up. :P

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 6

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 2:24:09 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

I used to have a set of rituals I did, which was given to me by my former Master. I did them right before bed everything. They were in place to ensure peace of mind and calm focus at the end of my day. Over time they naturally evolved into some new dimmensions, which we both enjoyed. Toward the end of our relationship I had asked him for one additional ritual, to help me with some concerns I was having, but it was not granted.

The man I am talking to now has taught me some meditational skills which are very helpful to me, and has suggested I do them in the morning and in the evenings. They calm my mind and help me look at life more simplitically, and it's really helpful. At the moment my life is my own so I don't need to ask permission for rituals, but should I be so involved again in the future, I would have no problem asking for them if I thought they would help me, and in explaining why and what I believe might help.

I do not see it as "un-submissive" at all to make requests. It's still up to the dominant to grant them or not. If the dominant doesn't know or understand what might help the submissive, how can he/she effectively dominate her/him? It is my opinion that withholding desires and requests is a dishonest approach toward a relationship. It has been my experience that I am better off focusing on being happy rather than if I'm fitting into a definition of "submissive" or "un-submissive." My suggestion is to freely be yourself, rather than try to fit into a pre-determined definition.

(in reply to ThistleDown)

Post #: 7

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 2:31:38 PM

OriginalStuff

Posts: 48
Joined: 6/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThistleDown

I just had a thought and I'm curious how common it is for the sub in a D/s relationship to initiate new rules etc and I was also wondering if it might be seen as too forward or "un-submissive"?

In My relationship, My girl has the freedom to bring up any topic with Me, including new rituals or rules; and has done such. And yes, some of them are in place today. Perhaps not in the exact form she presented, and sometimes to her dismay lol. I always tell her, careful what you wish/ask for girl <WEG>

I don't see it as being forward or UNsubmissive in the least. Open communciation in all areas of a relationship is very important. This isn't a one way street. Ideas are always welcome, not necessarily acted upon but always considered and discussed. Who knows, from that discussion other things may come to light.

(in reply to ThistleDown)

Post #: 8

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 4:20:13 PM

MistressDollys

Posts: 47
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline

There was only one time where i asked Mistress to keep me in chastity longer than She normally does but that was because of how She was training me at the time. Other than that one time i don't feel it's my place to do so. i didn't get involved in a D/s relationship to top from the bottom or to tell/suggest to Mistress what i would like to do. She has complete control and i live to please Her in anyway She sees fit. That to me is true slavery. If i wanted to suggest things to a Dominant and ask for particular protocols, etc. i might as well go see a professional Mistress and pay her to do to me what i want.

mule no.2

_____________________________

m i s t r e s s d o l l y . c o m

humbled males

(in reply to ThistleDown)

Post #: 9

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 4:21:45 PM

MistressDollys

Posts: 47
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline

It's not like that in the relationship i'm currently in. She is the Mistress and i am the slave, end of story.

-mule no.2

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humbled males

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Post #: 10

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 5:53:48 PM

aravain

Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline

Hmmm

As a submissive I have a set of 'rules' that I follow, whether expressly given by the dominant or not. These are just sort of... self-inflicted.

If I were ever TOLD to break one of them by a current dominant, either once or forever, then they wouldn't be rules for me anymore until that relationship would end (if it would).

They're more codes of conduct if anything. I don't ask about them, I just follow them.

I do the same thing in my vanilla life.

(in reply to MistressDollys)

Post #: 11

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 6:00:30 PM

ExKat

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline

To be honest, I couldn't see myself asking for a rule. Because any rule I asked for wouldn't really be his...it would be mine. Like, "Master, tell me to go to bed every night at 9." He might tell me that, however, it would be me telling him to tell me to do it, and in that case, it'd be better to just make myself do it.

If there was some pretty ritual I wanted to do for him, I would just do it, as a rule, every time it came up. If, whenever he wanted a massage, I thought it'd be awesome to automatically massage him without him asking, I would. That way, it'd become my ritual as submissive thing...rather than getting all dom and ordering my dom to order me.

However, I'm exceptionally shy about asking for things, so I'm probably not the best measure.

Katie978-queen of passive-agressive subbing

(in reply to aravain)

Post #: 12

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 6:20:53 PM

AmbrosialWench

Posts: 50
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

If I feel doing something for my Dom/Master would be pleasing, then I do it. Occassionally, I have done something repeatedly and then one day because I was in a different frame of mind did not do the particular "thing". This caused it then to be initiated as a protocal or rule because my Master enjoyed it. I didn't initiate the different activities to make them a protocal but that is just what happened. Sometimes it has been a complete delight and other times the activity is hard to consistently do everyday.

(in reply to ExKat)

Post #: 13

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 6:36:40 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDollys

There was only one time where i asked Mistress to keep me in chastity longer than She normally does but that was because of how She was training me at the time. Other than that one time i don't feel it's my place to do so. i didn't get involved in a D/s relationship to top from the bottom or to tell/suggest to Mistress what i would like to do. She has complete control and i live to please Her in anyway She sees fit. That to me is true slavery. If i wanted to suggest things to a Dominant and ask for particular protocols, etc. i might as well go see a professional Mistress and pay her to do to me what i want.

mule no.2

I'm curious, are you talking simply about BDSM-type activities, or everything in life in general? Do you not ask permission for anything at all?

(in reply to MistressDollys)

Post #: 14

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 6:46:23 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExKat

To be honest, I couldn't see myself asking for a rule. Because any rule I asked for wouldn't really be his...it would be mine. Like, "Master, tell me to go to bed every night at 9." He might tell me that, however, it would be me telling him to tell me to do it, and in that case, it'd be better to just make myself do it.

But if you didn't tell him that you had trouble going to bed at a reasonable hour, and needed his help, then you still wouldn't be getting enough sleep. Asking for help is very difficult but very rewarding, at least within a good relationship.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to ExKat)

Post #: 15

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 6:49:43 PM

Morniel

Posts: 60
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline

Well, at our house, one of my "rules" is to go to him with concerns, questions, suggestions, and ideas. After that the ball's in his court. Generally he thinks stuff over and what he decides is what we go with.

Now as to rules... I have a horrible time with weight maintainence. I hate to work out... but I love to swim or walk. I hate to diet, but I enjoy cooking healthy low cal or low carb foods.... and so on, you get the scenario. Now, I have to stay around a certain weight area as part of recovery from some additional breast cancer reconstruction, and dammit, I can't do it!

So he watched me be frustrated for about a week, then said words to the effect of, "Okay, soon as you've had your coffee and your breakfast, I want you to put your hair up, and swim or walk to the mailbox. If it's too cold to do either, then put on a CD and walk the treadmill for 30 minutes -- EVERY DAY."

I didn't actively ASK for him to make a rule about working out; but based on "nonverbal clues" or body language or observation of my permanent frustration? lol.... He heard me "asking" for help, and gave it.

So... in a way, that was me suggesting a rule, and him making one -- for my benefit, and in the long run, for his as well.

< Message edited by Morniel -- 9/4/2008 6:51:49 PM >

(in reply to AmbrosialWench)

Post #: 16

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/4/2008 9:30:30 PM

trueshadow

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I can suggest stuff, but if he's not interested in it, they won't happen.

My thoughts exactly. I can't conceive of trying to institute rules/rituals. I would be her slave, following her lead, doing her bidding. The only way that would happen, I guess, is if she ordered me to give her a list of rules/rituals I would like, or thought she would like.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 17

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/5/2008 12:48:45 AM

CarinaKitty

Posts: 11
Joined: 6/27/2007
Status: offline

I never "say" what I want, but I will drop hints that I know Master will take, and think He's the one who thought of it. I often will want help with something, or be curious, and give Master ideas. some intetional, some not. for instance, I was having trouble cursing, though I worked in daycare. "*sigh* I really need to work on cursing. I'm getting really bad at it, and I hope I don't say anything around the kids." Suddenly, I'm not allowed to curse. I do, however, seem to get in trouble more with the ones He makes because of me that His own. Is that sad?

(in reply to trueshadow)

Post #: 18

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/5/2008 1:20:23 AM

hopelessfool

Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

Do I have certain things, that Ive learned over the years help me, yes. Do I ask for these to be done, or ask if these would be a problem in the beginign yes. I cant sleep with out being order to sleep sweet, If I dont get one i either cant fall asleep or when I sleep I get nightmares. Does this make me unsubly, maybe but then if my owner wants me to call him at 3 am every morning because I had this horrid dream or that its his choice.

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" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to CarinaKitty)

Post #: 19

RE: Subs asking/suggesting rules or rituals - 9/5/2008 5:16:21 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

There are things that I have done as a slave without being asked that have ended up becoming part of the protocol because my Master was so pleased, such as waiting prostate near the door when I know he is coming. There have been times that I have told him that there are certain things I particularly enjoy, such as undressing him, that have then become my "job". In ways I "suggested" them, either verbally or non-verbally, yet I didn't sit down with him and say, "I think that from now on I should ...".

I feel very fortunate because I know that my Master thinks that I have many good ideas. I can write to him that I have been thinking about something that I believe I would enjoy doing for him and how I think it would show submissiveness on a new level and he often incorporates it. Each dynamic is a little different - some Doms would most appreciate the direct approach, some the indirect approach, while yet others would prefer to make absolutely all decisions on their own. In my mind, attitude is the key on both sides. If suggestion is made humbly, and there is good and open communication, then things may be suggested that help the relationship to grow stronger.

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(in reply to hopelessfool)

Post #: 20

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