RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (Full Version)

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Venatrix -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/7/2008 12:45:20 PM)

You need to move out to San Francisco.  They'll at least spring for Sutter Home's White Zinfandel out here.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/7/2008 12:49:36 PM)

Whoa, white zinfandel! [8|]

I am right with you, Venatrix, I am not here to teach anyone manners.  If you were brought up in a barn, you don't belong in my household.  There are plenty of women who have the patience for that sort of thing.



hereyesruponyou -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/7/2008 8:28:39 PM)

I think i get your point. If playspace is to be paid for then it needs to be negotiated up front. I have split the cost or had a male sub who chose to travel to my area pay. Once i paid myself because i made the choice to travel. But it was determined in advance. When i was not in a position to pay i have turned down someone who is also not able to secure a play area. I don;t play in my home, except with my partner and that is limited due to others in the house.

I think this also goes toward the "what can you offer me" discussion that often stops all conversation when i am speaking to someone who desires my attention. I am not asking for money, or anything else in particular. I want to know what will set you apart from the other 20 guys who messaged me this week. Answering "i will let you tie me up and do anything you want to me" is not going to get my attention. You are not doing me a favor "letting me" play with you.



BiteGirl -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/8/2008 2:47:04 AM)

I've found free-loading "dom's" too.
People are just cheap.



LadyPact -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/8/2008 9:58:37 AM)

I think My situation is probably a bit different than yours, but I found the topic a bit interesting.  The actual dollars and cents of all this has been on My mind lately, so I thought I'd make a comment.

Certain costs I don't mind absorbing.  Those are the things for Me that benefit Me.  My own fetish wear and toy bag fall in this category.  My toys are kind of on the extensive side, but I buy them because I want them.  Simple things like floggers and such I'm going to use for several years, no matter who's on the other end.  The same with traveling to events that I want to go to.  I'm going whether I'm meeting someone there or not.

However, if it's coming down to costs I'm going to incur specifically related to someone else, sorry, but I'm not footing the bill.  I'm willing to do half, in whatever way that works out.  Yes, if you come to see Me, part of that agreement should be that I'm also willing to come to see you.  How often is going to largely depend on who can afford what when.  I don't expect anyone to do more than the other in this regard, unless it's due to their own choosing.  If I can afford to travel to see you six times a year, and you can afford eight, I expect you to match the minimum.  The additional two are entirely up to the other person's discretion.

Just like I have My own gear, I expect you to have yours.  Items such as restraints, plugs, and anything breaking the skin fall under this category.  Actually, I find this to be just good common sense for anybody from a health standpoint.  If you're playing with someone new, how much do you really know about how they keep these types of items cleaned and maintained?  Wouldn't you really feel safer with your own?  I know that I certainly would.

Finally, if it comes to renting dungeon space, which I have in the past, I expect that to be split.  Either each person does half each time, or we take turns.  I can tell you that I'm probably not going first.





Paulnz -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/8/2008 6:51:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

.........oh unless it is to go to the cricket and show you how the game should be played..... 


Or unless it's to teach Aussies how to play Rugby < coughs > World Cup Quarter Final < coughs >



MzMia -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/8/2008 8:22:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

You need to move out to San Francisco.  They'll at least spring for Sutter Home's White Zinfandel out here.


Venatrix, I was in San Francisco in July for 10 days,
and I fell in love with the city.
I was treated to top shelf drinks by the cutest gay couple in the world.
You can get treated to top shelf drinks by total strangers, in San
Francisco.[:D]



Hippiekinkster -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/8/2008 8:31:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

You need to move out to San Francisco.  They'll at least spring for Sutter Home's White Zinfandel out here.
Wow. Really? That is just so Cosmopolitan. I'm gonna drain the waterbed tomorrow, find my old tie-dyed shirts, load up the Volvo, and head on out to Cole Street.



Venatrix -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/8/2008 8:37:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

You need to move out to San Francisco.  They'll at least spring for Sutter Home's White Zinfandel out here.


Venatrix, I was in San Francisco in July for 10 days,
and I fell in love with the city.
I was treated to top shelf drinks by the cutest gay couple in the world.
You can get treated to top shelf drinks by total strangers, in San
Francisco.[:D]



Ah, well, apparently that's my problem:  I need to stop looking for straight male subs and go for strange gay couples instead.



courageinfear -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/16/2008 2:56:22 AM)

I think that my experence with this is different than others here. I only play at the local club that is largely frequented by working class folks and student-loan players. Simply, there is no expectation that subs have their own toys unless the sub has orders from their Master/Mistress. Now, there are subs who own pieces of equipment that they are personally interested in; I own a dildo and harness. Also, I always thank my Domina after a scene, and I give gifts at the end of the year to Dominas that I am close to. (SM opens up the emotionally tender side of my personality so I can quickly "fall in like" with a Domina who is a good fit for me.)

Just my $.02



MsStarlett -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/16/2008 4:35:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hereyesruponyou

I think this also goes toward the "what can you offer me" discussion that often stops all conversation when i am speaking to someone who desires my attention. I am not asking for money, or anything else in particular. I want to know what will set you apart from the other 20 guys who messaged me this week. Answering "i will let you tie me up and do anything you want to me" is not going to get my attention. You are not doing me a favor "letting me" play with you.


AMEN!



courageinfear -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/16/2008 7:30:49 AM)

"i will let you tie me up and do anything you want to me"

That is so vague and so untrue.



LotusSong -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/16/2008 10:15:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tempted80

I have been around for a while and rarely post on CM, however I find myself increasingly frustrated with a standard topic.  The topic of covering costs and paying for equipment.  I'm so infuriated with people who think they can indulge in this lifestyle for nothing.  I have spent thousands of pounds on equipment and traveling to events, yet people seem to think that they can memo you with a view to a meet and a play and bring absolutely nothing to the collective pot.

Why do subs think that they get to play for free, without even offering to buy a coffee? Who do they think has paid for all the toys, clothing and play space, why should people get it for free?  What makes a sub think they can play without providing any of the equipment.

Why do they think they shouldn't even buy stockings, or pay for personal use equipment such as sounds and anal toys.  Really am aghast?

Ms T



Who forced you into this lifestyle ..didn't they KNOW you couldn't afford it????
 
The simple solution is, just refuse to play with those who don't have their own toys.



GreeneGoddess -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/16/2008 11:48:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: courageinfear

"i will let you tie me up and do anything you want to me"

That is so vague and so untrue.


LOL Yes it is...someone should let the boys know it's too cliche!



lateralist1 -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/16/2008 1:06:28 PM)

Wow and here's me expecting a lifetime of devoted service in exchange for me being able to do what I want to do. When I want to do it. How I want to do it.
Perhaps I ought to lower my expectations. But then again why should I?
If a man is not prepared to lay everything he has and is at my feet then why should I want to have anything at all to do with him?



Wickad -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/16/2008 2:03:16 PM)

(fast reply)

Greetings,

I can sympathize with the OP.  It is really crappy to meet a 'do-me' submissive when you are expecting to meet a real human being.

However, it has been my experience that if I am meeting someone for the first time, we go dutch.  I want it this way as I have no idea if I'll even like the person, let alone want to play with him.  If the relationship continues, then I pay.  I pay because I am the one in charge and should have the means to back up that assertion.  This stance also gives me the discretion to decide where we go, what we do, and when we do it.  If I can't afford to pay for a play space 4 times a month ... then we don't utilize the play space 4 times a month.  It's really very simple that way.

Now, what does the submissive bring to the table.  He brings his personality and how he makes me feel when I'm around him.  If this is lacking then chances are we won't be seeing that much of each other.  After play, he cleans the play space and my toys to my satisfaction.  As others have mentioned he is also responsible for 'personal' toys that we may use during play.

For me, what this all comes down to is respect and control.  I respect myself enough to be very picky about those I chose as play mates.  I respect the people I play with enough to accept their submission but to never view it as a gift I need be grateful for.  My expectations are rather high and I see no reason to compromise them for the sake of play.  Overall, I do what I want, how I want and when I want.  I am constrained by my finances and my physical ability, not by what a submissive might chose to pay for.  In my opinion, as long as you are the one who pays for it ... then you're always the one in charge.

Wickad



courageinfear -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/16/2008 10:27:46 PM)

Wickad:

A more balanced approach is needed. I think that some kinky-folk see the difference between top and bottom as black and white. This can manifest as the top only "being the brains" and the bottom only "being the muscle." Study after study has show that full division of labor--where both parties have some plum roles and some scut roles--is a good way to develop a happy relationship.



Wickad -> RE: Wit's end - Cost of BDSM (9/19/2008 8:06:19 PM)

Greetings courageinfear,

What type of relationship where you talking about exactly?

Wickad



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