when um's are no longer um's (Full Version)

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hereyesruponyou -> when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 10:07:32 AM)

I'd love to get some insight from others on two different questions that i feel are arising in my household. My daughter has reached the "age of maturity" (yeah right), and started college and may soon be exploring her own sexual world. I say soon because she is a somewhat quiet and cautious child when it comes to relationships/boyfriends/etc... She's been explosed to varied sexual ideas through books mostly (yes, Anita Blake and others), and she has had friends who have explored in the bisexual and gay realms and she is fairly comfortable with discussing sex, even with her doddering mother.

My questions are, how can i continue to encourage her to explore and be open to sexual experiences without pushing her in any one direction?  And how much should i share about my own experiences? 

Personally i would have no trouble being completely out to her (i know she has some idea that mom and bf are a bit kinky), but my partner is very hesitant and is especially afraid she would share with her friends and it could become common knowledge (rural community).  Thanks in advance for your opinions!  And yes people, i am asking for OPINION, so no bashing just because you ahve a different one



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 10:17:18 AM)

I don't think there's really a need to share your actual experiences unless she asks.  Since she is now out of the house, the best thing would be to just ask how things are going and if she's got any concerns or frustrations.  Answer any of them thoroughly and honestly, with suggestions on resources to go to afterwards.  Then let it go. 




zakkan -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 10:18:25 AM)

I would direct her to online forums like this, where she can then form her own opinions. You can then talk to her if she has any questions. Thats pretty much what happened with me, at least.

Heh. I can't be much giving out advice when I'm not much older than your daughter. [8D]

Edited as something sounded wrong.



ExKat -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 10:20:19 AM)

  Please, for the love of god, don't discuss this with her.

You've taught her well. She likely has no sexual prejudices...she won't be the type who doesn't discover she's into BDSM or women or any kinky sex until she's middle-aged because she's afraid that "good girls don't do those things".

However, as a newly grown-up child of a kinky parent, I swear that there is absolutely nothing that could have turned me off to BDSM faster than my mother telling me about her own kinky sex life. From the unforutunate snippets of conversation and toys/books I have found, I can tell you that I NEVER  want to know more about my mom's sex life than I already do.

  My mom and I are very close. We freely discuss sexual ideas and (more frequently) health. She used to work at an OB-GYN, so I have no shyness about asking her about problems. I still don't want to know a fucking thing about her sex life.

Unless you're in an unusual relationship (that is, different than one man and one woman), nothing in your sex life requires explanation. Please spare her the horror. No matter how close you are, I can assure you she doesn't want to know.

~Katie978, who wishes to God she didn't know the things her mom stuck into her boyfriend.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 10:22:25 AM)

Our young adults know about the -communities- that we're involved in. They know that we are active in the GLBT, poly, BDSM, fetish, and alt-spirituality communities. We don't go into details about the sexual aspects, but we've -always- been open about relationships... like when we were a poly quad with extending spokes -- we didn't hide it from them, so they've always seen that there are lots of ways of having relationships.


Mine come to me for advice sometimes. I don't feel any need to go into my "closed doors" practices, though... I just let them know that I'm informed, and they can ask me what they feel they need or want to know.

Calla Firestorm




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 10:22:37 AM)

To juxtapose to Katie, there are a few known cases of both parents and their kids being kinky and going to the same clubs and groups.  Don't let that fear stop you, especially if you already have a supportive relationship around sex and sexuality.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 10:26:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExKat

Unless you're in an unusual relationship (that is, different than one man and one woman), nothing in your sex life requires explanation. Please spare her the horror. No matter how close you are, I can assure you she doesn't want to know.



Even in a same-gender or poly family, you don't have to talk about the intimate details of the sex life. Most of these relationships are about the relationship, just like a monogamous, het marriage.... so discussing the relationship doesn't mean having to talk about sex. (I feel the same way about BDSM -- my new(ish) adults know what my interests are, in general, but we don't talk about the sex end of things, because there's no reason--and that is even with having a shared fetish that we -do- talk about extensively with one of my new-ish young adults).

Calla Firestorm



Lockit -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 10:35:16 AM)

I found that as openly as I raised my family, they were a bit prudish until they were well into their twenties for two of them.  Typically, they don't want to hear how mom does it, they don't even want to know that she does.  The whole idea to many is that it is gross to think about.

I would openly discuss anything she was showing interest in, but wouldn't suggest bringing it all out unless you had some concern or need to make her aware of one thing or another. 

I was very open and discussed sex, but I did not discuss kink until they were more ready.  When I did, I mentioned some mild stuff.  Yes, they then looked at the men in my life with curiosity but because I presented it the way I did, they didn't look down on him or what we did.  I did use a bit of humor with it all and a whole lot of common sense.  I would also consider how my partner felt about this.  Once that information is out there, you can't take it back and at a time when a lot of young people distance themselves and some parental and young adult strife and such can happen... you wouldn't want this coming back at ya in an uncomfortable way, if you know what I mean.

I guess what might be most important here is why do you feel a need to discuss this?



Missokyst -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 10:39:34 AM)

It is one thing to be the type of parent a person can talk to about sex.  And totally another to be one that offers suggestions about it.  In addition your mate is not comfy with sharing that sort of info with your daughter. 
Why deprive your child the fun of discovery on her own? 
My daughter was very open about telling me when she was going to lose her virginity.  And close enough to me to discuss how she felt about them breaking up.  All great, because she brought them to me.  I did not impose my feelings about sensuality to her.  Let the kid find her own path.
There is such a thing as TMI
Kyst



DelightnDevotion -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 10:42:00 AM)

I think it's great to tell her that you are available to answer any and all questions when she has any--or just to be a sounding board for her concerns or thoughts.  Then keep the lines of communication open and trust she will come to you when she needs info. 

I would caution against "outing" yourself to her--both because she hasn't expressed a desire in knowing your sexual life and due to your partner's concerns.  In my humble opinion, it would be inappropriate to share private details of your activities with your um when your partner hasn't fully consented to such. 



patina -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 11:55:33 AM)

both my sons know i into the lifestyle but they don't want or get any details.  My oldest 26 is more open than my youngest 24 who is a bit of a prude.  When i am meeting a Dom or planing anything kinky the phrase to him is "You don't want to know."  That is all he wants to know.  Think about how much would you want to know what your mom was doing. 

Just answer questions if asked.  If she is attending college she may learn of it there, or at least hear of it.  It was covered in my Psychology classes, most of what we discussed in class was wrong though. 

patina



kiwisub12 -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 12:13:16 PM)

for goddess' sake - don't try to talk about your sex life with your kids. You may scar them for life.

One of my kids posted a profile on cm - and i sent her a very discrete email suggesting that i could give her suggestions re. safety - she sentme an email back saying that she so didn't want to know what i did in bed, and didn't want to discuss what she did with her mother.    And we have a fairly open relationship - ie discussed birth control together.

so  - bad idea.
if they want to find something out - they have the internet for reference - which is way  more than i had at that age.



SunNMoon -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 12:25:13 PM)

I'm going to just say I'm in the camp of not wanting to know. I don't want to know what they do at all. All I know is that they seem happy. I also don't want them knowing all of my little kinks or even which boy(s) that I've kissed.

It's great that you want to be open to share with her, but let her decide if she wants to share with you and let her set the limits. If you rised her right, you shouldn't have to worry (too much).



burntcynder -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 12:28:50 PM)


My “ums” are 25 and 27, as they grew up i tried to leave an open avenue of communication. i was careful only to answer the questions they asked, not giving any extra information, and never personal information. As adults they both know of my lifestyle choices, without the details.



candystripper -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 12:29:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hereyesruponyou

I'd love to get some insight from others on two different questions that i feel are arising in my household. My daughter has reached the "age of maturity" (yeah right), and started college and may soon be exploring her own sexual world. I say soon because she is a somewhat quiet and cautious child when it comes to relationships/boyfriends/etc... She's been explosed to varied sexual ideas through books mostly (yes, Anita Blake and others), and she has had friends who have explored in the bisexual and gay realms and she is fairly comfortable with discussing sex, even with her doddering mother.

My questions are, how can i continue to encourage her to explore and be open to sexual experiences without pushing her in any one direction?  And how much should i share about my own experiences? 

Personally i would have no trouble being completely out to her (i know she has some idea that mom and bf are a bit kinky), but my partner is very hesitant and is especially afraid she would share with her friends and it could become common knowledge (rural community).  Thanks in advance for your opinions!  And yes people, i am asking for OPINION, so no bashing just because you ahve a different one


The individual in question still speaks to you in words?  Mine grunted at me.  And that was only to emphasize a pointing motion.
 
This is what we decided:  If there was a problem, she could always come to me.  As with anything else, she could always seek the shelter of my arms and depress the 'Mommy-button' at whomever she wished.  (Well, yes, officer, they were a class of kindergartners, but you see, she had a terrible headache and unfortunately the AK-47 was leaning right against the window...).
 
As the years passed, we amended it.  Now, if I wish to, I can go to her.  She's my favorite fashonista, for example.
 
Apart from that?  Well, part of being a person of maturity is separating from your parents.  I am not entitled to and do not seek the details of her 'personal life'; I accept what she shares.
 
You have raised the person-now-18 years old, you have done your best to inclucale them with values and self-respect.  Now it's time to hand them a card for a 24 hour lawyer and shove them out the door.
 
Chances are good, most of the convos you don't wish to hear will begin with.."Gee, I hate to ask, but yanno that transmission on my car?'
 
Best wishes on a lovely new time of life.
 
candystripper  [sm=pole.gif]



cankles -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 12:46:50 PM)

I don't think there's anything you need to tell her (maybe "don't get pregnant"), and it strikes me as kinda creepy that you're so anxious to share that kinda stuff with her. Maybe I'm uptight though.



batshalom -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 1:19:52 PM)

Why do you feel you need to direct her sexually? Let her do her own thing at her own pace and be available IF she wants to talk to you about any of it. If she doesn't bring it up, you probably shouldn't either - it's called a private life for a reason. She might be extremely uncomfortable for you to be involved in any way, even though you see yourself as an important link / support in the matter.



Lucylastic -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 1:26:40 PM)

mine are grown(practically) now, they know mom is kinky, they know the tools and that they can come to me (and do) if they have questions, my daughter and I are close in that respect, but I dont volunteer my own info. I send her links to various places that I know can give a good response to her questions.
My boys are more the I dont wanna know ewwwwwww types
so I wont scar them any more than I have to(cackle)
Let her find her own limits:)
Lucy




Lucylastic -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 1:49:00 PM)

Briena, I felt the same way when mine were tiny, how in hell am I gonna cope, but you live day in and day out, and it just grows as they get older, you arent suddenly plunged into it:)
as you get older, you grow together in how to they react to you, what they are like as personalities, how they react to new things.
Good luck and relax, you will be fine as long as you are open, giving them good info to get thru life and lots of love.
Best for the future
Lucy



windchymes -> RE: when um's are no longer um's (9/7/2008 2:23:42 PM)

I agree that our own UM's just really don't need to know everything about their parents' sex lives.  My experience has been that if they want to know something, they'll find a way to get the information without coming to Mom or Dad.  Keeping the lines of communication open is great, answering their questions briefly and non-personally is even greater.  But to "encourage" her to try new things?  I wouldn't.  Support if she comes to you, sure....reassurance that her wants or needs are "normal" and not "dirty", but like I said, she'll find the websites if she really wants to.  I wouldn't say, "Well, here's Mommy's profile...." 

But then again, that mother/daughter douching commercial always skeeved me out, too.



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