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How to play teacher - 9/8/2008 4:17:26 AM

luvzdogtoyz

Posts: 51
Joined: 11/12/2007
From: Texas
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May it please all the Doms, help me?

Alrighty so, my close friend has always been "kinky minded", and done things to himself, but never physically been kinky with anyone. Knowing me for quite some time, he's asked me to help him learn. (not sexually)

I've seen many threds, of Doms who have "submissive" moments. He wants to be dominate in the whole, even when in his submissivness.
My question is, how to I teach him this, without having to "top from the bottom?" I don't want to confuse him!

He's a bit shy, and sometimes needs a confedence boost. How do I do this without busting an ego?

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RE: How to play teacher - 9/8/2008 6:27:42 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
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I think that the easiest way is to discuss the play just in advance of it, find out exactly what he wants to experience, and then let him know that you will be in charge until it is over. I am teaching a novice Dom right now and we start each session with me giving him a lesson of some type. This week it is on wax play. We talk about it in advance, who will be doing what to whom, I respect his wishes and only contradict him if it falls into a possibly unsafe or unhealthy area (always need to be conscious of safety), and we go from there.

It is normally too confusing for both parties to be going back and forth between top and bottom during the playtime. That makes the up front time extremely important. It should build his confidence because he knows that his wishes will be met, and a respectful though knowledgeable demeanor from your side will add to that. You can ease the reins back to him during aftercare.

I think what you are willing to do is a great thing. I'm sure you'll find the right balance.

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RE: How to play teacher - 9/8/2008 6:44:14 AM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
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I should point out an issue of spelling, something I usually avoid. Did you mean:

"He wants to be dominant in the whole, even when in his submissiveness."
or
"He wants to be dominated in the whole, even when is his submissiveness."

When I hear "he wants to be dominant when he submits" I assume the man has twisted view of submission. Have an open and honest discussion about what he wants vs. what's available. Everything is available, some things find longer to take. He can be dishing out cash to a "Financial Dominatrix" in 12 minutes. Finding a female partner who will want him to be dominant meanwhile be the main recipient of dominance is more rare, and will take longer.

Back on track: I assume he thinks submissives are floor mats. From the outside, they are. "You say. I do. I swallow. I thank you." is My Pet's mantra. This does not mean she doesn't hold a dignified and important position. If he does have a problem with calling his submission submission, work on that until he can correctly identify what he wants to be. Sounds like "alpha submissive seeks relaxed domme" to me.

If he knows enough to accurately use words like "submissive, dominant, top, and bottom?" continue:

There are many ways for a person to submit. If he enjoys it, he could be a service top. It's a position where he is "dominating" but for the enjoyment and fulfillment of the bottom first. The actions are dominant, the drive is submissive. It doesn't work for everyone, but he doesn't seem to be everyone. Being a service top, which often garners a weak connotation for some reason, will not fulfill his need to be topped. He will rarely be on the receiving end of the dominance. If he seems candles to be dripped on him while she stands on his chest, this arrangement is not for him.

Perhaps he doesn't want D/s in his life. Maybe he wants a vanilla relationship with kinky sex. They're not the same. That should be discussed as well. Wanting that isn't wrong. Wanting any sort of relationship isn't wrong. (Possible exceptions occur).

In short:
Which is it?
1) He wants to be a kinky switch in the bedroom, no lasting power dynamic.
2) He wants to be an alpha slaveboy. Like Prince Charming on leash. (A turn where "being a lady" is a strength, not a weakness, and submission meets Chivalry.)
3) He wants to be a service top, and serve/provide the dominance while submitting to her desires. (kind of like the above, except it will be more rare for him to be the bottom.)
4) He doesn't know his terms, and thus cannot explain where he fits in power exchange or kinky power exchange play.

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RE: How to play teacher - 9/8/2008 9:45:24 AM

luvzdogtoyz

Posts: 51
Joined: 11/12/2007
From: Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper

Perhaps he doesn't want D/s in his life. Maybe he wants a vanilla relationship with kinky sex. They're not the same. That should be discussed as well. Wanting that isn't wrong. Wanting any sort of relationship isn't wrong. (Possible exceptions occur).

Its more like that (without the sex), right now.

But he is sure he wants to roll into bdsm. Its more of a slow development.

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RE: How to play teacher - 9/8/2008 9:50:24 AM

luvzdogtoyz

Posts: 51
Joined: 11/12/2007
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

I think that the easiest way is to discuss the play just in advance of it, find out exactly what he wants to experience, and then let him know that you will be in charge until it is over. I am teaching a novice Dom right now and we start each session with me giving him a lesson of some type. This week it is on wax play. We talk about it in advance, who will be doing what to whom, I respect his wishes and only contradict him if it falls into a possibly unsafe or unhealthy area (always need to be conscious of safety), and we go from there.

It is normally too confusing for both parties to be going back and forth between top and bottom during the playtime. That makes the up front time extremely important. It should build his confidence because he knows that his wishes will be met, and a respectful though knowledgeable demeanor from your side will add to that. You can ease the reins back to him during aftercare.

I think what you are willing to do is a great thing. I'm sure you'll find the right balance.

Love this! Will be sure to voice everything with him, and go lesson to lesson.

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RE: How to play teacher - 9/11/2008 2:46:36 PM

Worldly1

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: luvzdogtoyz

May it please all the Doms, help me?

Alrighty so, my close friend has always been "kinky minded", and done things to himself, but never physically been kinky with anyone. Knowing me for quite some time, he's asked me to help him learn. (not sexually)

I've seen many threds, of Doms who have "submissive" moments. He wants to be dominate in the whole, even when in his submissivness.
My question is, how to I teach him this, without having to "top from the bottom?" I don't want to confuse him!

He's a bit shy, and sometimes needs a confedence boost. How do I do this without busting an ego?

1. You're not HIS submissive, PLUS he asked you to teach him, so you're not topping from the bottom.

2. Because he requested this of you, then you should be able to assume the role of teacher without bruising his ego.

3. Have a very frank talk with him and ask him directly if his desire to learn is stronger than his ego.

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RE: How to play teacher - 9/13/2008 10:28:44 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
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"Help him learn"

Does this involve practicing on you or passing on knowledge?

In an emotional sense, it's all about attitude and being straight forward in what you want.

On the physical side, introduce him to a few basics. Blind fold, wrist restraint, and a lite paddle helps with motivation. I don't know what it is, but many new people trying out domination find the need to have toys to be dominant. Later is when they find out their mind, words, and creativity are the real and only toys needed to be a dominant.

If you're offering yourself to be a person of practice, hand him a few toys and tell him to do it his way and not to worry what you think. He needs to know what pleases him first and then think about when he wants a sub to be happy and miserable.

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RE: How to play teacher - 9/14/2008 9:49:10 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

About him wanting to dominate even while submitting. You/he have got it in your head that dominants are always the tops and submissives are always the bottoms. It doesn't work that way. Subs can be sadists and dominants can be masochists, and that's what it appears to be in this case.

Having a need for pain, or sensation, doesn't make him submissive anymore than having a need for hot sauce on his food makes him submissive. It's a sensation, is all. He wants to be in charge and sometimes he wants his feet rubbed and sometimes he wants them hit. If he's in charge of telling someone when to hit his back and how hard, and with what implement, then he's still the dominant simply because he's deciding when and how hard and with what.

As far as teaching him, just do it. Explain everything ahead of time, then demonstrate on him, and then let him try it on you. This assumes he's learned the safety stuff first, he knows where the kidneys are, the tailbone, etc. Start with the easy stuff, you can stick clothes pins all over the flesh without danger. If you're bent over the bed, then anything vertical is safe to hit because the tailbone will be up top, the sweet spot and the upper thighs are good to go.

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