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Fight or flight. - 9/8/2008 9:44:57 AM

missturbation

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quote:

The flight or fight response, also called the "acute stress response" was first described by Walter Cannon in the 1920s as a theory that animals react to threats with a general discharge of the sympathetic nervous system. The response was later recognized as the first stage of a general adaptation syndrome that regulates stress responses among vertebrates and other organisms.
Normally, when a person is in a serene, unstimulated state, the "firing" of neurons in the locus ceruleus is minimal. A novel stimulus, once perceived, is relayed from the sensory cortex of the brain through the thalamus to the brain stem. That route of signaling increases the rate of noradrenergic activity in the locus ceruleus, and the person becomes alert and attentive to the environment.

http://www.psychologistworld.com/stress/fightflight.php

Flight or fight response, a theory perhaps some will disagree with and some agree. I personally think i have found myself at this spot many, many times in my relationships.
Looking back i think most of the time i responded with 'fight'. I fought to make things work often leaving myself exhausted, hurt, emotionally drained etc. This was probably because i had ignored or brushed aside red flags thinking i / we could get past them or they only existed in my head.
This led me to become emotionally cold, hard hearted to a certain degree and i sought and found a non - emotional M/s relationship. I didn't have to worry about getting hurt, being lied to, any of the things my past relationships had been fraught with.
This worked perfectly up until recently when as any of you who have read my threads know, i became involved with someone emotionally again. Its been great, fulfulling, a learning experience, a whole new world for me.
Now though i find myself at the point of 'fight or flight' once again. This time though it's not because of big red flags waving at me.
Everything is going really well, fast but well. There are no problems other than the ones i am creating. I am struggling because of past history to put my full trust in him. I am struggling to believe that he really wants to be with me and that there is no catch, no hidden wife / girlfriend etc etc. I am struggling to handle my feelings for him and about him. I miss him terribly when we are apart, care for him a lot and think about him lots too. I'm not used to these kinds of feelings.
So here i am knowing i am being stupid, knowing the urge to take flight is a really stupid one, but i can't seem to shift it.

Has anyone else dealt with fight or flight in their relationships?
If so which did you choose fight or flight and why?
If you flew how did things turn out?
If you fought how did you do it and how did things turn out?

< Message edited by missturbation -- 9/8/2008 9:46:16 AM >

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RE: Fight or flight. - 9/8/2008 10:00:09 AM

BlackPhx

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Miss, when you are struggling to trust, struggling not to fight, take deep breathes and think of something logical..e.g. a math problem. This will have the effect if it works right for you of dropping you out of the emotional state that is fueling the flight/fight syndrome and letting you examine exactly why you want to run.

I tend to do this myself. When Master says or does something that is close to danger triggers of the past, I have to or I will fight him every step of the way and run. I KNOW intellectually that he is not the person who did whatever it was to me in the past, but that doesn't do much to allay the fears of that little lizard hind brain.It does mean that I withdraw a bit from whatever is happening, but, each withdrawal is a little less, a little shorter each time as he proves trustworthy with what we are doing.

Good luck and don't let yourself sabotage yourself...

poenkitten

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RE: Fight or flight. - 9/8/2008 10:35:09 AM

tammystarm

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perfectly said poenkitten once again....its true darling...ya hafta feel and feeling sometimes sucks! however sometimes its great...so love with all you have.... i know ive been there...am there right now.. trying not let myself sabatoge it, when i want too so bad, i dont really but the urge is there nevertheless. LOVE LAUGH LIVE
cause when its all over you dont want to go out not knowing what it means to truly love to truly laugh and to have lived like there is no tomorrow
ans as poenkitten said do math (uck) smiles

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RE: Fight or flight. - 9/8/2008 10:43:12 AM

IvyMorgan

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I have this problem in play sceens.

As a result, I'm very aware of what's happening and rarely drop/float/whatever you want to call it. I don't trust the person I'm with to be safe, to not go too far, to respect the limits I have, to not harm/hurt me... and so I don't let go. I think it means I miss out on some good experiences when I do know I can trust the person, and when I do know its safe. And it also means that very rarely do I have a truly good scene.

I guess the parallel is that, you know you're missing out on something you want/that is good/safe. And, when I find out how to get the believing part of my brain to pay attention to the logical part of my brain, I'll let you know.

*smiles*

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RE: Fight or flight. - 9/8/2008 11:06:04 AM

Dnomyar

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OP what is it about him that is sending these signals. Write down what you precieve is the cause and then match it to what he really is like compared to them.

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RE: Fight or flight. - 9/8/2008 11:58:51 AM

Gleegal67

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If so which did you choose fight or flight and why?

4 out of 5 times I chose flight - mainly because my instincts were on fire that They had issues that had nothing to do with me and They needed professional assistance, something I could not provide. Nor, was I willing to go through Their rollercoaster ride, that had nothing to do with me or our relationship.

It had gotten to the point I was afraid to date, mainly because my friends were teasing me that I was making my boyfriends crazy...it started to make me doubt myself...maybe I was making them crazy...maybe I'm crazy for picking the crazy ones...was I purposily sabotaging relationships by only picking the crazy ones?

Number 5, well, lets just say I stayed and fought...I was in White Knight mode. (insert white horse here) I was fighting for a relationship that I knew I had the strength and courage that he did not at the time. In the end, I learned I was fighting to protect him from himself for the sake of his um's...and it was his um's that I loved more than him at anytime of our relationship. That is when I told myself and the um's that when they need me, my arms, my home, my heart will always be open for them, no matter what their Father had done to himself. Hard lesson learned.

After great thought and reviewing with friends that knew us from beginning to end, I realized that 5 out of 5 relationships I had been in were all "false advertising"...they had protrayed themselves as something they were not. I wasn't romancing the thought of them at anytime, I prefer to deal with facts. Made me very happy it wasn't me that was crazy...they were all just very intelligent, talented individuals that had a lifetime of experience in hiding their true selfs.

But, I will admit, my history has kept me from allowing another too close...and yet I'm still open for it to happen...whether it's for a day, a month or years. I guess I'm waiting for all my um's to start their paths, before I can really be truly open to allow another close enough for Love to develop.

I will happily pass to you Miss what I have to keep reminding myself at times....
K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid)

We all have such fabulous tendencies to over-think, over-analyze instead of just allowing ourselves to BE ourselves and trust our instincts. Every time we "over-anything" we will be guaranteed to find the negative we were searching for - no matter what.

Miss, it sounds like you have a lovely connection with Your Dom, sometimes it's lots better to Not Think...and just enjoy.

Just my two cents...okay with inflation...more like five cents.

Michele

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RE: Fight or flight. - 9/8/2008 11:58:59 AM

Bstardsbitch

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Often Dnomyar, it's not them that is sending those signals, it's what's going on in our own minds that causes the problem.

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RE: Fight or flight. - 9/8/2008 12:28:11 PM

FRSguy

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Flight,

What is there really to fight for? I have found that most often things in relationships simply are what they are and people are what they are. I either except someone for who they are and the relationship for what it is or move on. It seems to me that in the past when I fought to change things in an attempt to hold on to something it just seems to make everyone miserable...sure you can string it out for years but in the end its allways just a miserable delay to the inevitable.

The most common feelings I have had as far as fight or flight within a relationship has been fears and insecurities caused by myself. Although the insecurities were often justified they were usually amplified by creating my own monsters... one of those I Ching 'two dragons fight in they sky one is red the other green' sort of things. There can only be one dragon. If two exists its because you created the second to devote your energies to as a way of ignoring the real one. I think you have to honestly and clearly percieve and accept your enviroment and your roll within it in order to manipulate change instead of just looking at the changes. Not looking at the water but what the water leaves behind sort of thing. Once you co-habitate I am sure he will beat it out of ya. Your just allways left alone for to long and loose focus. Give yourself up and stop predicting futures that happened a long time ago.

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RE: Fight or flight. - 9/8/2008 1:00:21 PM

DelightnDevotion

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Missturbation, what you write is such an echo of my own personal journey. I, too, was once terribly hurt and since then have felt that "fight or flight" mechanism kick in with a venegance whenever I started to feel an emotional involvement with a man. For a few relationships I chose fight--bad call, should have taken flight. Since my divorce I've chosen flight and walked away from some relationships that could have been really good...but I also took flight from a couple of relationships that in retrospect I know would have ended badly.

It is only in my most current relationship that I've learned how to wade my way through the fight or flight response without doing either. It's hard as hell and the feeling, when it hits, makes me prowl my house from the anxiety of enduring it without acting on it. But I wait it out and have chosen NEVER to make any decisions in the midst of that flight or flight mode. My Dom knows my struggles and he knows why and very often he can talk me down off the anxiety high I'm on. I'm learning how to do that myself too.

The best thing is that every time I hit that storm of feelings and can wait it out without acting it makes the next storm both less intense and easier to handle. One step at a time, one battle at a time...

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RE: Fight or flight. - 9/8/2008 1:33:33 PM

DesFIP

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Actually there's a third option, freeze. Like a fawn huddled in the grass hoping it won't be noticed if it makes absolutely no movement. I'm more likely to do that in times of panic.

My suggestion is that you tell him how you are feeling and that you ask him to slow down to allow you time to process emotions.

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