dissapointment vs anger

dissapointment vs anger (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive

Message

babygurlrides -> dissapointment vs anger (9/9/2008 12:32:54 AM)
I have an assignment tomorrow.. something my Daddy was really looking forward to. We have been discussing it for a while...building up to it, and I know it would have been the highlight of his week. Something happenned to my best friend that necessitated me being with her all day today. She is in crisis, and she needs me. There are some matters that I need to assist her with and to do so will mean that I have to be with her tomorrow. She is like my sister, and I just cant let her down. I told Daddy tonight (he knows her as well), and although he said I needed to do what I had to do, I could tell in his voice he was upset. He could not tell me he was ok. I dont expect him to verbally coddle me and tell me its alright. I have disappointed him, and I feel horrible.. but my heart tells me that I need to be with my friend. My Daddy and I have an online relationship and have been together for going on 2 years. Has anyone out there had to postpone or say no to an assignment? How did you handle it? Did your Dom/Master/Daddy get over it? Did you get punished? I dont believe it is unreasonable for him to be upset, and disappointed. But am I wrong to expect him not to be angry at me? I believe he knows my heart is in the right place.

MRandme -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/9/2008 2:34:37 AM)
babygurl, He is human, and is just as upset and disappointed as you would be if He needed to cancel at the last minute. Whether He is angry is something only He can answer. One thing i learned a long time ago -- emotions aren't right or wrong, they just are. People can't control whether or not they feel an emotion, for the most part... but they can choose how to react to that emotion. It is very tough to be put in the place of having to choose between two people you care about, even if only for a day. You're feeling a bit of guilt, but would being feeling the same if you had chosen the other way. Next time you talk to Daddy, tell Him you feel badly and you want to do something special for Him... and then make it happen.

Focus50 -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/9/2008 2:35:16 AM)
Everyone has times when r/l gets in the way of plans. Hell, people even get killed in the process! Still, his disappointment doesn't necessarily mean it's directed at you. Maybe it's as I just said; that he's cursing fate or luck etc, and not you. Shit happens blah blah.... I'm with him; that you should do what you feel is the right thing to do. Doesn't mean I'd be thrilled about it, either, but I've been around long enough to know these things happen. It'd probably only become an issue for me if cancelling/postponing plans became habitual. Would you rather he feigned joy? If you feel your friend's dilemma is as serious as stated, then he's being over-precious if he's angry. And he's an arsehole if he's disappointed at you or your actions. But pissed at life for dealing him the occasional shitty hand...? That's quite normal; we're all selfish about losing on the little things, esp when plans get torpedoed by a long-shot.... Focus.

DesFIP -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/9/2008 3:38:05 AM)
Although you're going to be there for your friend, I'm sure you're disappointed also. So why shouldn't he be? But that's a far cry from him saying that he's angry at you. He isn't, he understood, he told you so. But he is allowed to have his feelings as long as he doesn't act inappropriately because of them. Punishing you, for example, for getting the flu would be inappropriate but telling you to get lots of rest while feeling frustrated that plans needed changing would be perfectly normal.

babygurlrides -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/9/2008 6:25:47 AM)
Thank you everyone for your replies. Today is another day, and I am able to see a bit clearer now. Yes...he is entitled to his feelings. And ya..... I still feel badly for disappointing him. I will surely do something special to make it up to him. THAT, I can do. :)

OsideGirl -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/9/2008 7:59:20 AM)
I'll also add that "real life happens" and sometimes it interferes with the D/s dynamic. Both sides need to prepare for that to happen and accept it when it does. If someone can't handle the real world, then it's time to re-examine the relationship.

kyraofMists -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/9/2008 7:23:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babygurlrides Has anyone out there had to postpone or say no to an assignment? How did you handle it? Did your Dom/Master/Daddy get over it? Did you get punished? I dont believe it is unreasonable for him to be upset, and disappointed. But am I wrong to expect him not to be angry at me? I believe he knows my heart is in the right place. I have never said no to any instruction that I have been given. However, I have had times when something significant has come up that conflicts with what he wants from me. In those times, I request permission to give him information and if he grants it I explain the conflict. He then makes the decision on what I will do. Sometimes he postpones the task that I was given and other times he doesn't. It really is a case by case decision. If he is not available to discuss the issue, then I can make the decision based on the priorities that I have been given by him. If I make a poor decision, then he may get angry and/or disappointed. He will tell me where I went wrong in my logic so I don't make the same mistake in the future. If I were to tell him no when given an instruction, then I would expect him to be very angry and highly disappointed. However, that is my relationship. I cannot tell you what to expect in your relationship. The expectations in my relationship may have very little to do with the expectations in your relationship. Knight's Kyra

babygurlrides -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/10/2008 1:33:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists I have never said no to any instruction that I have been given. However, I have had times when something significant has come up that conflicts with what he wants from me. In those times, I request permission to give him information and if he grants it I explain the conflict. He then makes the decision on what I will do. Sometimes he postpones the task that I was given and other times he doesn't. It really is a case by case decision. If he is not available to discuss the issue, then I can make the decision based on the priorities that I have been given by him. If I make a poor decision, then he may get angry and/or disappointed. He will tell me where I went wrong in my logic so I don't make the same mistake in the future. If I were to tell him no when given an instruction, then I would expect him to be very angry and highly disappointed. However, that is my relationship. I cannot tell you what to expect in your relationship. The expectations in my relationship may have very little to do with the expectations in your relationship. Knight's Kyra Thank you for this, kyra... you have opened my eyes!!! Things didn’t go very well tonight. As a matter of fact, he pretty much told me that when I make it up to him, he will be fine. He said he was angry at me. Our relationship has never been based on strict protocol.. it has evolved, developed and changed as we came to know each other. We did not meet here... we met on another chat program that had nothing to do with bdsm. After some time, he introduced me to CM, and we have been trying to carve out our relationship (I might add here that I am dominant in my home and work life). We have had our ups and downs, but I believed we were committed to each other. I have been willing to please him in any way he asked, NOT because I am a submissive, NOT because i love sex, but because I love him, and I want to make him happy. Sometimes, I do not want to do what he asks.. but I do it anyway. He has taught me much... and has been supportive of me in the past. I also know that he has made concessions for me, as I have made for him. If someone were to ask who has the power in our relationship, I would say that he definitely does. I would hope he’d say the same thing. I know it can’t be easy trying to squeeze a slave out of a little girl! We are very different in what motivates us; he wants a whore/slave, and I want a Daddy/lover/friend. Neither of us has made a secret of this. In the past, similar episodes presented themselves when I had the gut feeling that he would be better served by having a true whore/slave do his bidding.. someone who fucks and serves because it is her need to do so. That is not me. Love and acceptance is my fundamental drive. He knows this! We have talked about it ad nauseum! I think he just doesn’t want to accept this. I have really tried to understand where he is coming from, but I keep coming up empty. If he loves and cares for me as he says he does, why would he be angry at me, as opposed to being angry at the situation? He is definitely angry at me. Pretty much told me to go away, do what I had to do with my friend, and come back when I am ready to make it up to him. Perhaps this is acceptable to some, such as you say, who are prepared for those types of expectations. I was not! The problem is... the rules seemed to change mid-game:(( I have always struggled with what to call myself. Not that labels are important, but I feel in the realm of this lifestyle, one needs to have a clear understanding of what/who they are… and what they need. Am I less of a submissive because my desire to please him is pretty much non existent at this particular moment? Am I just being a silly little girl? Am I fooling myself into thinking that there is a place for me in this lifestyle because I do not think I can be in the type of relationship that you describe? I am hurt, confused, and tired. I guess I will pick it up in the morning.

kyraofMists -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/10/2008 7:24:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babygurlrides Am I less of a submissive because my desire to please him is pretty much non existent at this particular moment? I don't have time this morning to respond to all of your post but I did want to touch on this part. I see submission = desire to please as a very common misconception and it certainly doesn't work in my life. I have not said no to any instruction given to me and I cannot imagine a point in my life the way it is now where I would say no to him. That does not mean that I always have the desire to please him. Sometimes I get really angry and I think he is making the wrong decision. Sometimes I am very disappointed and hurt that I have to do what I have been told to do. Most times though I am just at peace and quite content to do what he wants even if I don't comprehend how it fits in the big picture and even if I don't want to do it. So, if I only thought myself submissive because I always had the desire to please, then I would be beating myself up a lot. To me, it is the worst sort of garbage out there. To me submitting is an action; it is doing someone else's will. How I feel about doing that is something seperate. How I feel will tell me whether or not I am fulfilled in submitting to him, but it does not tell me whether or not I am submitting. Knight's Kyra

babygurlrides -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/10/2008 7:54:24 AM)
Hello Kyra Thank you for your response. I understand and appreciate what you have said here. And I know that you have limited time. I continue with this in the hopes that you might respond at a later time. I have come to believe that all of us do what we do for some sort of intrinsic reward or personal gain, hence the question that most shrinks have asked of their patients when working on a particular behaviour: "what's in it for you??" People give of themselves for many reasons; because it makes them feel good to do so; because they feel that if they give they will get the love they require; because it fuels martyrdom (ie: look what I do for you, and you do nothing for me), to name a few. You say " howI feel will tell me whether or not I am fulfilled in subitting to him, but it does not tell me whether or not I am submitting". I understand this to mean that submission is an action, based on choice? You may not like it at a particular time, but you chose to do it anyway. My question to you is, *why?? Is it because you have a need to serve? Is it because you love Him? Is it a combination of both? Would you continue to do this without any positive gain? What is your* positive gain? Would you agree that your submission is something that is given to a chosen person... not to anyone who demands it? Please do not think I am trying to pry, or in anyway belittle your beliefs. I am merely trying to learn and understand. Thank you.

kyraofMists -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/10/2008 10:44:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babygurlrides My question to you is, *why?? Is it because you have a need to serve? Is it because you love Him? Is it a combination of both? Would you continue to do this without any positive gain? What is your* positive gain? Would you agree that your submission is something that is given to a chosen person... not to anyone who demands it? Please do not think I am trying to pry, or in anyway belittle your beliefs. I am merely trying to learn and understand. Thank you. I do not perceive you as prying or belittling what I am saying, so there is no need to worry about that. Do I have a need to serve would depend on what you mean by service. According to what many see as service, I am not motivated out of a need to serve. There are things that I enjoy doing for him most of the time, but for the most part I am not driven by a desire to do them. I am driven by an intense desire to give someone else authority within my life. Doing so has greatly reduced my stress levels. I am more at peace with him deciding where we will go in life. I don't really have to worry about the future because that is his job in our relationship. It has helped center me and help me focus on the present. I get the joy of just living in the moment without the stress of planning for tomorrow. I didn't get to this point over night though. It took time to adjust to giving him the authority. Even now, I will find little things that neither of us thought about before and I have to bring to him to find out how he wants it done. I have also stopped focusing on the what ifs, whys and how I think things should be done. A silly example, I have to ask permission to have junk food, his oldest daughter was making homemade cookies, so I asked if I could have cookie dough. I love cookie dough and prefer it over a baked cookie. For weeks, everytime she made cookies he would say no to me. His girls would get upset on my behalf and question him, "why won't you let Kyra have some, you are so mean." I would just laugh at it, because I don't think to ask 'but why???" anymore. It is what it is and I focus on what he wants and not what I want. It is back to work for me, but I will have time to answer the rest of your questions later. In some ways it is simple because essentially, what fulfills me far outweighs the things that are a challenge for me. In other ways it is complicated as hell. g Knight's Kyra

thishereboi -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/10/2008 10:52:10 AM)
When I was with my Mistress, things came up in life that affected us. While she was disapointed at times, she understood that life works that way and sometimes you just have to deal with it.

babygurlrides -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/10/2008 11:26:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists I am driven by an intense desire to give someone else authority within my life. In some ways it is simple because essentially, what fulfills me far outweighs the things that are a challenge for me. In other ways it is complicated as hell. g Knight's Kyra Wow! I thank you so much for your response. When I think of this in terms of having an intense desire to give someone authority over my life, it appeals to me on a real deep level. To me, it means being taken care of. I do want that!! That having been said, I cant imagine giving anyone authority over my life, unless I loved him and trusted him with it. Nevertheless, ours is an online relationship. It is not in our plans to make any changes to that. So, as fulfilling as it sounds, it cannot work in its entirety, in our situation. I do know what you are saying tho... about sometimes being so simple. Yet.. I feel I am back to the same question... which is, why do I want to please him? And my answer is always the same... because I love him. Perhaps I just need to remember that when things go badly, and trust that he will come out of it.

RealSub58 -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/10/2008 11:31:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babygurlrides My Daddy and I have an online relationship and have been together for going on 2 years. I realize those who are online only will disagree with me.... but online people are not "real" in comparison to those who we can touch, care about, spend physical and emotional time with and who if we disappoint, will make a huge difference in our lives. I have the right to say this since I had an online over the sea "relationship" with a Dom whom I still consider a friend.

daddysliloneds -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/10/2008 12:51:49 PM)
being upset, disappointed or being let-down doesn't equate to anger or call for punishment; real life issues take presidence over on-line anything in my world and i wouldn't belong to anyone who didn't feel the same way.

kyraofMists -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/10/2008 4:54:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babygurlrides Yet.. I feel I am back to the same question... which is, why do I want to please him? And my answer is always the same... because I love him. Perhaps I just need to remember that when things go badly, and trust that he will come out of it. I think another very important question to ask yourself is "Am I getting my needs met?" We had a long distance relationship for awhile and it wasn't until I moved in with him and Alandra that things really started getting simpler for me. Part of that is because one of my most basic needs is for physical touch. Everything was more difficult in our relationship because I was not getting this need met on a regular basis. Having unmet needs within relationships can generate stress and stress can make everything so much harder. Are you getting all of your needs met and I am not just referring to the ones needed in order to survive, but the needs you have as a person in order to thrive. Having other relationships that meet the needs he is unable to due to your circumstance will help make things easier. Knight's Kyra

NihilusZero -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/10/2008 8:39:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MRandme One thing i learned a long time ago -- emotions aren't right or wrong, they just are. People can't control whether or not they feel an emotion, for the most part... but they can choose how to react to that emotion. This was/is fantastic enough to deserve repeating.

NihilusZero -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/10/2008 8:42:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds real life issues take presidence over on-line anything in my world However, your world does not apply to the relationships of others. Everyone is responsible to set and understand the parameters of their own relationships.

babygurlrides -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/11/2008 12:06:15 AM)
Thank you everyone for your responses. Each one has helped me to peel one more layer of skin off the onion, as they say. I just feel the need to speak to RealSub58's comment <<online people are not "real" in comparison to those who we can touch, care about, spend physical and emotional time with...>> I did not mention that my Daddy and I met... this certainly wasnt intentional. Its just that its inconsequential to me. Having met in 'r/l' made no difference in how we perceived eachother or how we feel. Of course I am intelligent enough to understand that there are traits and habits that I will not have the opportunity to experience. To me, its no different than two people who meet, date, fall in love, and then marry. They too will discover traits and habits that they were not aware of until they lived together. I guess what I am trying to say is that he was very real to me before we met, and he continues to be very real to me. I, too had another internet relationship which lasted 4 years. This was a long time ago... long before the webcam was a common household item;) We did not meet. And we also continue to be friends today. My relationship with him felt as real to me back then, as the relationship I am in today. You can live with someone for 23 years and not feel close to that person. How real is that? To me, its all relative. Anyway, this morning, Daddy and I were able to talk rationally. He could not understand why I was so taken aback by his reaction to the whole thing, and why I felt the need to re-evaluate my place in our relationship. So, I asked him to read these posts so that he could get a better understanding of my thought processes. He now understands why I reacted the way I did, and I understand where he was coming from. At the end of the day, we have decided to consider this latest episode as just another bump in the road.:) I remain committed to my path of self discovery, and to the Man I call my Daddy. Thanks once again[;)]

Dnomyar -> RE: dissapointment vs anger (9/11/2008 5:34:55 AM)
Life happens. Why get pissed off at someone else for that. So it causes a minor inconvience. I better stop here.

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875