RE: Dom switching to vanilla...???

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 9/26/2008 1:42:12 AM

Paulnz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

please share your thoughts with me...

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to be crowded by you now you're moving in fulltime.

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 9/26/2008 2:30:48 AM

DMFParadox

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Oh....mygod. You are seriously my kind of girl. All of the things you did for your previous guy, all of the things he chalked up to not being 'spontaneous', are exactly the kinds of things I want and generally look for.

I've been around the block multiple times, and I know quality when I see it. Believe me when I say that this situation is not your fault; and it's not his either, really. It's just a case of bad timing, and a bad match. Maybe if he had more time and experience to fill out what he actually wants as opposed to what he thinks he should be afraid of, he'd be the man for you... it sounds like he's got the makings, he just doesn't have the experience in handling women.

Have no shame in your personality, there are men out there who would cherish it.

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Post #: 42

RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 10/10/2008 12:51:20 PM

SireKane

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He has made it clear to you that when you move in with him he does not want to have a D/s relationship. You've stated that you need D/s in your relationship. Your relationship over, move on, choose wisely next time. Until he met you this guy was vanilla. I've said it before. and I'm sure I'll say it again many more times, " Playing dominant for those who are not, is like a second job, they work it until they've earned enough to buy what they want, than abruptly quit" Hopefully this will be a lesson to you, in the future perhaps you will invest your time, attention, and emotions, on someone who has experience with the D/s lifestyle.

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/17/2008 10:58:01 AM

urlittleprincess

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hello...just thought i would update things...i delayed and delayed moving in with him due to my mother's cancer. she had her surgery, and is on the upswing now! 2 weeks ago, i did finally move in with him...it hasn't been heaven but it hasn't been hell either...

there has been no real D/s to speak of except by me continuing to behave as i normally did...nothng much on his part till the last couple days...especially yesterday. not sure what provoked it, but in the last couple days ive noticed him being a little more...dommy...and wanting me close to him continually. yesterday he was grabbing me, holding me in place...giving me orders...biting my breasts...not hurting me but really turning me on!!! i sent him an email to work to let him know how much i enjoyed his playfulness...i hope it continues...and increases...if not i can move home in 6 months...

i wish everyone a wonderful day!

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/17/2008 1:40:55 PM

monywildcat

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Well, that is just awesome, good to hear that your mom is doing better, and that the situation at home is starting to improve. I wonder if the moving in together part gave him the jitters and caused that sort of reaction? Meh, who knows but enjoy! And thanks for the update!

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/17/2008 1:47:16 PM

colouredin

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Well least you have the contingance plans, i know what the up down of im not Dom today oh now i am oh now im not ohh you arent doing it right feels like, its so hard to know where you stand, i hope that it levels out for you sounds like you have justb far too much going on in your life.

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/17/2008 3:52:29 PM

Maya2001

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Well I hope it works out for you but agree having contingency plans is a good thing

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/19/2008 9:01:18 AM

urlittleprincess

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thanks everyone :) i think i am my own worst enemy at times...he just wants to relax and take the relationship as it comes...where i want to KNOW what is what. i am impatient at times...wishy washy at others and both of those drive him nuts...and not in the good way! lol i am going home on friday for a week so maybe the time apart will be good for us? he seems to really like me being here. when he goes to work in the morning and i am still home, he calls 5 mins later to talk...lol he is constantly hugging, holding and touching me...which i love...and when i leave the room he is calling for me...if i try to leave his side he gets upset saying he didn't tell me i could go...lol to some this may sound clingy, but i like it...i like him wanting me to be around so much! :)

but yes...the contingency plans are there. he asked me to buy a house with him, but...not sure it is a good plan...yet...

i cannot wait to see my Mom...and family!! i miss everyone so much!!! He wants to go home at xmas with me...so that will be nice too!

< Message edited by urlittleprincess -- 11/19/2008 9:02:33 AM >

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/19/2008 10:14:31 AM

angelikaJ

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I have not read all of the responses but I liked the perspective voiced in the first post that began this thread.:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1240921/tm.htm

and think this part might be relevant to how you are feeling"

"...If I accept the surrender of a woman as my submissive, and I expect that she will surrender the totality of her essence, her being, her body and her spirit to me, then I had better be prepared to be what I claimed to be, continually, not sporadically. Does that mean issuing endless orders, constantly assigning tasks, continual whippings, night and day sexual service? No, of course not. It means that in taking Ownership of a woman, you take Ownership of ALL she is and you take Ownership of her need/desire to serve - which in a truly devoted woman, is NOT sporadic in nature. A submissive woman needs to serve. A submissive needs boundaries reinforced. A submissive cannot feel adrift, or unguided. A submissive needs limits, control, use of her mind, heart and body, and she needs to know ...through real feedback...that you are pleased with her. When we abandon our submissive, when we "compartmentalize" her in our busy life and get to her when we can, what we really do is starve her emotionally , spiritually and cerebrally. We must not only be her Master, but her strongest supporter and cheerleader in life. A submissive cannot serve, on her own. She cannot serve by being a quiet piece of furniture in the corner, used only when time is available. As a Master we have to be responsible for the teaching, nurturing, and continued opportunities for service we give the woman we Own. In other words, we need to not only turn her on and excite her with words. Words only get you so far. We need to have the ability to FOLLOW THROUGH. The old saw that "actions speak louder than words"...is no less true in this situation as anywhere else. One must have the time, and the ability and the willingness, to deliver on what we promise her. That, is responsibility. ..."

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/19/2008 1:47:18 PM

DavanKael

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I've just scanned this thread and, from what I saw, can understand your being freaked out.
As an aside, someone mentioned she's topping from the bottom and another said that that can't be if he's broken the dynamics. I look very darkly on topping from the bottom but if the dynamic's been tossed, one can't be topping from the bottom, there is no D/s dynamic.
You two need to hammer this out, imo, before you move.
Best wishes!
Davan

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/19/2008 1:59:15 PM

Lordandmaster

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Enough said right there. If the dom or master distinguishes between his vanilla needs and his d/s needs, his thinking is all screwed up and he's not possibly going to make a good decision.

He is one person, integrated and whole, not a jumbled conglomeration of various facets. His vanilla needs ARE his d/s needs. Maybe he just doesn't understand it yet.

quote:

ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

im kind of wondering if there is a point at which a Dom or Master decides that the vanilla part of His life(vanilla needs/desires) takes precedence over the D/s or M/s needs?

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/20/2008 7:14:00 AM

DavanKael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Enough said right there. If the dom or master distinguishes between his vanilla needs and his d/s needs, his thinking is all screwed up and he's not possibly going to make a good decision.

He is one person, integrated and whole, not a jumbled conglomeration of various facets. His vanilla needs ARE his d/s needs. Maybe he just doesn't understand it yet.

quote:

ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

im kind of wondering if there is a point at which a Dom or Master decides that the vanilla part of His life(vanilla needs/desires) takes precedence over the D/s or M/s needs?

Awesome point, Lordandmaster! :>
Davan

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/20/2008 7:33:59 AM

urlittleprincess

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thank you angelikaJ...the quote you chose totally spoke to me...touched me and made me feel quite sad actually...thank you for sending it...i may forward it on to him. he has begun to behave in a more dominant manner again and i think it is like water finding its level...you can try to change things but water is just water and always runs the way nature intended...perhaps we are both like water and will return to what is normal and comfortable...? i hope you have a wonderful day :)

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/20/2008 7:36:26 AM

urlittleprincess

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thank you both to Davankael and LordandMaster...he says there is no more D/s between us, but his actions say otherwise. it seems his expectations are the same...so it is very confusing to me. :(

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/20/2008 7:52:16 AM

ODadEO

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it does sound confusing, but at the same time sounds like his 'Dom' side is natural enough to shine through even when he doesn't want to call it that. Maybe that will be enough for you, but maybe not. Hope you are keeping your options open (sounds like you are) and wish you all the success you can find with him.

p.s. - hope your mom is doing well, too!

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/20/2008 7:53:24 AM

DavanKael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

thank you both to Davankael and LordandMaster...he says there is no more D/s between us, but his actions say otherwise. it seems his expectations are the same...so it is very confusing to me. :(

You're welcome, urlittleprincess----
I don't know about you and can only speak for me but inconsistency drives me nuts (More nuts than I usually am < smirk >) and, more importantly, makes me feel unsafe.
Safety is a fundamental in all relationships, imo, not just those involving power dynamics.
Davan

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It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/20/2008 8:07:44 AM

urlittleprincess

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thank you ODadEO, when i first got here a couple weeks ago, he was so sickeningly sweet it was hard for me to deal with. there must be something wrong with me because if someone is just sweet and nice and kind all the time it gets on my nerves...and because it was such a vast departure from our normal behavior with each other it actually confused and upset me to the point where i would leave the room and cry! weird. but...in those first few days i consciously thought to myself that if i just behave as i normally do in a submissive manner, then he can't help but behave as he normally does...and as we have been adjusting to our 24/7 situation he seems to be relaxing and letting his "Dom out for air!" he can't seem to help himself which is good...because i find myself acting up and acting out to find the boundary. when i first got here he tried to get sexual...but, because he says we are no longer D/s i HAD to take the word no for a test drive!! id never said it to him before!! he was upset...but accepted it...what else could he do?? he has not tried anything overtly sexual since but has been very touchy/grabby of my sexual areas and getting increasingly aggressive...hmmm...i like it but not sure if it will be enough for me! i need the whole D/s dynamic...sex...everything!!!!! we do sleep in the same bed so tensions are high...we talked about it this mornng and his lack of persistence is directly related to that incident...ugh! sorry if that was too much information?

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/20/2008 8:10:15 AM

urlittleprincess

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hello DavanKael...inconsistency drives me nuts as well...i thrive on routine and knowing the expectations...and i crave that so badly from him...im living here with him already so why can't he just be who he portrayed himself to be for the last 2 years? i want to feel safe and secure with him...but as it stands, i dont 'feel' that i belong...

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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/20/2008 9:43:56 AM

DavanKael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

hello DavanKael...inconsistency drives me nuts as well...i thrive on routine and knowing the expectations...and i crave that so badly from him...im living here with him already so why can't he just be who he portrayed himself to be for the last 2 years? i want to feel safe and secure with him...but as it stands, i dont 'feel' that i belong...

I hear (Well, read) you and empathize. I empathize far more than I wish I could, believe me. Different circumstances, very similar shifting of ways of relating, breaking of commitments, etc. It sucks, it sucks much; I understand.
You can only be willing to affect the situation in the ways that you are able and make choices from there.
You have my sincere concern, empathy, and best wishes,
Davan

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It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
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RE: Dom switching to vanilla...??? - 11/20/2008 10:29:52 AM

MistressDolly

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"and lately told me that while He won't try to control what i do with my spare time, friends etc His word in the house will be the rule."

Sounds equivalent to: "Though My word around here is final, don't expect me to put forth energy, thought, effort or imagination in leading, controlling and dominating."

Sounds like a lazy form of domination.

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