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Old habits die hard..... - 9/9/2008 7:59:02 PM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

I'm in a fairly new relationship and am really having difficulty accepting that this is GOOD. Sad to say, but true. This is so completely different than my last relationship and it really is GOOD. I spent this past weekend convinced I wasn't worthy because he was out of town (which I didn't know) and our usual daily contact of some sort didn't happen. Red flags went up all over the place (my former Master would disappear for weeks at a time, but that's another story, another life). We did finally catch up and He knows how I feel and completely put my fears to rest. My question I guess is how did other subs/slaves adjust to things like this and when did it finally sink in for you that there was NOTHING to worry about. I'm feeling so childish in this damned insecurity.......UGH.

< Message edited by natasha66 -- 9/9/2008 8:07:30 PM >

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

Post #: 1

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/9/2008 8:06:01 PM

pixidustpet

Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline

i'm 45 years old. TheEngineer and i had a long talk last night...

i spent 18 years of my life being blamed for another person's errors, and being punished for them.
i spent 10 years of my life being blamed for everything that went wrong and being abused for it.
i spent 16 years of my life being treated in a passive-aggressive manner because i couldnt read his mind, couldnt be who he thought i should be, couldnt make things happen in a severely restricted budget.

how can i learn in 3 months not to be something i've been trained for 45 years to be?

just something to think about.

kitten

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 2

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/9/2008 8:21:44 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

How? Consistently make the choice to not fall into the old habit. When you catch yourself doing it, change what you are doing. Replace it with a healthier habit.

It isn't easy, but you won't change an old habit without consistent effort to make a different choice.

For me, it sank in when I realized it was no longer an effort to make a different choice. With somethings it took very little time, with others it took years. The time it takes is not important, what is important is to keep making choices that get you in the direction you want to go.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 3

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/9/2008 8:38:23 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I've been where you are.
We talked. I explained my fears. He knows what most are I think. He reassures me. He keeps in contact, he makes me feel special...and we talk.

I admit I still have days when I'm feeling doubtful, when I start to think I'm sabotaging what I have but the minute I talk to him it all disappears.

I remind myself that he's not the others. I remind myself that he's done nothing to prove otherwise.

I take a deep breath, I relax, I look back at what he's done for me and how he treats me.

In the end you need to communicate and let him know how you're feeling and he needs to do the same.

Clear, concise communication and his actions will speak for themselves.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 4

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/9/2008 8:46:12 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

i could definitely relate to Your post.... When i moved here to stay with Him (we'd been seeing each other for only 6 months at that time...talking for 8) one of the things i had to begin doing on a daily basis was to make a decision that He is trustworthy.....Please do not think there are not times when i'm taking a bath and He's gone that i do not convince myself He's found some hot, young, funny, smart, fine woman.... But, then when i weight it all out i make the decision that he is 100% trustworthy.
The other thing is recently, (through a painful experience) it dawned on me that when i say something negative about myself i am critisizing Him... i am saying He has no taste...i am saying He has no idea who He's fallen in love with...i'm saying He has chosen someone who's fat, ugly, repulsive looking, damaged, defective, etc.
Good luck, i know this is not an easy obstacle to overcome, but it's possible.
Feel free to cmail me if i can be of any help,
Kali

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 5

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/9/2008 8:54:08 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

When my Master first professed His love for me and His desire to own me, I was in shock. Someone actually loved and wanted ME! But anxieties and insecurities wouldn't allow me to revel in that very much.

He and I were talking one day after that, and somewhere in the conversation I said, "I don't plan on getting too comfortable." He wanted to know what I meant, but I wasn't prepared to say much else at that point.

A couple of months later, something happened that brought that statement back to the forefront. I then explained some of my deepest fears and anxieties about being tossed aside because I just didn't matter enough to keep around. He made it VERY clear that I was not going anywhere and that He wanted me in His life forever.

That night after I got home from His house, there was an email from Him waiting for me...... what He wrote is what is in my signature line. He told me to print it out and keep it with me, and to read it if those anxiety demons came visiting again.

Those anxiety demons have pretty much gone away, with time, love, patience and reassurance. But I still carry that little piece of paper with me.

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 6

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 5:54:40 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Truthfully, those fears still aren't totally gone. And we've been together five years now. But they come to mind much less than in the beginning. It takes what it takes, consistent day to day knowing you are loved, you are valued. Just give it time, and tell him when you need reassurance.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 7

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 6:45:42 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I'm in the same boat. I am a funny mix - professionally I am VERY self confident. Personally, I am not. Just last week I was once again blamed for the behavior of my ex - and we've been divorced almost five years.

One of the best things my Master ever told me was, "I am here. I am not going anywhere." I realized then that my truest fear was that he would just walk out of my life one day for no apparent reason. Even so, months later, I have finally understood that not only is he here and will continue to be but that his feelings for me are also. Now, that sounds pretty stupid to most people, but given my background it felt to me like the person could be there but their warm feelings could be snatched away like the tablecloth trick at any time.

It takes trust and time. If your trust in him can continue to grow then you will start to feel more comfortable with your place in his life. If he is supportive of you, as my Master has been of me, it will help that trust - both in the relationship and in yourself - to grow more quickly.

_____________________________

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 8

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 8:46:00 AM

DelightnDevotion

Posts: 45
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline

-Fr-

Yes, I have those fears and anxieties based on past relationships and the way those men in my life treated me. I posted on Missturbation's thread about her fight or flight reactions in her new relationship that those anxieties make me want to flee my relationship with my Dom on a regular basis. But I don't--instead I wade my way through the feelings without acting on them. I talk to him about them--he knows and understands that it will take more than words from him to fight my anxieties. So he tries to take action in ways that help me see and know that he's here to stay. And the more time that passes that I see him behaving in a trust worthy way the old anxieties diminish and don't have as much power. Has it been an easy process? No. Has it been worth it? Absolutely!!!

_____________________________

"Surrender yourself humbly;
then you can be trusted to care for all things."
Tao Te Ching, Chapter 13

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 9

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 8:46:52 AM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

Hi natasha
Oh yes i understand where you are coming from. My biggest fear is abandoment after losing through death all those who were closest to me. When this fear comes out to play, i noticed it shows up as the victim role. The other day i was exhausted from dealing with the crises surrounding my mom, and then receiving my phone bill which was in error, so decided to call Sir. No answer, so i went into a hissy fit, but was surprised on how i chosen to deal with it. i let myself cry for a bit, and then chose to be productive in dealing with my fears verses causing problems. i did not email or im friends so i could waddle in my victim pit, instead i signed on to CM and read posts regarding fear and trust. Then i went to bed and in the morning took care of buisness and then email Sir what occurred with the phone company and that i handled it. i didnt mention the call to him last night. He email me a very long letter telling me he was proud of my handling the phone situation and went on to explain what he was doing last night and so on.
It felt good to be proactive in my situation and seeing that i was making healthy choices. This seems to becoming more natural for me. It is starting to help me heal my own trust and fear issues that still catch me off guard at times

blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 10

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 8:57:31 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I admit sometimes i still have them and i know i really should not. When those old demons come knocking i just make a consious choice not to let them in. I push them aside and just remember how much Master loves me and how much i love him. I also remember what is says to me sometimes "you are mine and i am never letting you go". Sometimes i ask him will he still want me when i am 40 (i will be 39 in oct) he just tells me "sweetheart i want you forever" So those things he says blast my insecuity to rubble.
Just try to remember he could have some other sub but he chose YOU so obviously it you he wants, not some other.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 11

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 9:14:07 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

You women are lucky in that you have strong men in your relationships. This is not just a woman thing. Men go thru it also.

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 12

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 9:21:37 AM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

I still go through it. I am always going to worry that Fox will decide that this isnt really what he wants. I am his first everything, and the thought that a some point he is going to want more knowledge of relationships aside from ours is always going to be in my head. I have been divorced, so I know that marraige isnt an absolute promise that someone will stay. I released Angel because he found someone while still under my collar, which shows me that collars arent an absolute either.
The thing is, though, whether or not I actually let these concerns change anything. I dont. I cant, or our relationship wouldnt be what it is. It is one thing to think about it, let them know it is at the back of your mind, and then make sure thats where it stays. Otherwise, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and you start seeing things where they arent. I wont let my minor insecurity lead to ruination of the best thing I have in my life.
Its mind over matter... you have to be the boss and decide what you will allow to play out in your head and which thoughts you are going to squash as soon as they start. Not wasy at first, but it gets easier.

DV

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 13

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 9:54:02 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Along with what Kyra said- laugh at yourself. Recognize that these are your fear and insecurities talking, not reality. Allow yourself to be irrational, but to not allow it to change your actions. Give yourself time- it took time for you to get to this place, it will take time to leave it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to VampiresLair)

Post #: 14

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 11:42:49 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: natasha66

I'm in a fairly new relationship ........
My question I guess is how did other subs/slaves adjust to things like this and when did it finally sink in for you that there was NOTHING to worry about. I'm feeling so childish in this damned insecurity.......UGH.

I don't think it matters if its new or not. Insecurities happen on both sides.
My Sir's kids come before me, so if I know it is a weekend with one or the other, or he is having issues with his step dad and I do not hear from him, I don't contact him. This is out of respect. I rarely leave messages either when he doesn't answer the phone ... I do not want to embarrass him if he happens to have one of his "buddies" over.

I think that when trust runs deep, insecurities from our past seem to trouble us, not insecurities of the present.

Sir has taught me that I must not put upon him the sins of others from my past. This is my insecurity and not in any way an insecurity of the present.

On the other hand, a simple explanation put forth honestly is always the occasion when I am unable to contact him as he desires.

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 15

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 11:46:41 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

You women are lucky in that you have strong men in your relationships. This is not just a woman thing. Men go thru it also.

Ray my Master has shared some of His deepest fears and anxieties with me, including His abandonment issues.

When those stupid anxiety demons visit me and I get that urge to run away, one of the things that comes to the forefront is that I cannot allow them to rule my life or my emotions..... and that if I did, I would be hurting the man I love, the many I belong to, the man I serve.

Before Him, I was so used to dealing with men who were emotionally unavailable and who kept me at such a distance that I had to relearn to see this man as a real life, living, feeling person. When I would share my fears and anxieties with Him, He would take my hand and tell me..... "I'm not that guy."

A while back there was a thread that addressed how sub/slaves felt about seeing any signs of weakness or insecurity in their dominants. I wrote then that my Master needs reassuring sometimes, just like I do, and I am happy to give Him what He needs.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 16

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 12:01:35 PM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

this is such a wonderful thread and thanks for starting it.

im going through something very similar. wrestling with myself to give a little bit more to someone very different to the guys ive met in the past and finding it hard to do.

old habits do die hard when the lessons youve learnt in the past are so part of your self-protective mechanism it takes a real mental effort and process to get past.

but im really trying hard to take the steps he's feeding me and im trying to let him in but it feels like a brick wall sometimes.

so, im with you here and rooting for you.

_____________________________

even doves have pride (Prince)

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 17

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 12:10:54 PM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

Thanks everybody.....your advice is much appreciated!!!!

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 18

RE: Old habits die hard..... - 9/10/2008 6:49:31 PM

xoel

Posts: 28
Joined: 11/7/2006
Status: offline

It is wonderful that he is patient, and quells your fears. I find myself doing the same thing at times, unconsciously sabotaging the relationship...It is a difficult balance sometimes when you basically give your heart and soul to someone. It does help to constanly remind yourself that you do deserve a good man, that it is OK to have these feelings. I battle with insecurity as well, and sometimes just need to calm down, and check myself.

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 19

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