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Hurricane Preparedness - 9/10/2008 2:29:11 PM   
BRNaughtyAngel


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Having endured Hurricane Gustav last week..... not to mention Katrina, Rita, Andrew and a host of other unwelcomed visitors in my 40+ years, and with Ike rolling around in the Gulf of Mexico now, here's a little humorous reminder of being prepared.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are again in the hurricane season. You may soon be turning on the TV and seeing a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana . If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by 'the big one.' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1 - Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2 - Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3 - Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana . We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska .

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: Th e advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

'Hurricane-proof' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska .

Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says ' Louisiana ,' you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who get the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights

At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through the last storm; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember -- It's great living in The Sportsman's Paradise ! 
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RE: Hurricane Preparedness - 9/10/2008 3:05:22 PM   
lilsubl


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OMG!!  that was just too funny! thank you for making me laugh out loud on an otherwise not so good day!!

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if you can't be brave, be determined & you'll get to the same place

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RE: Hurricane Preparedness - 9/10/2008 5:21:09 PM   
sappatoti


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This is priceless BR. Absolutely priceless. It was making the rounds in central FL in 2004, with Florida being used instead of Louisiana, but otherwise unchanged. Thank you for posting for I had lost my printed copy to Hurricane Jeanne. Now I have another.

:-)

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RE: Hurricane Preparedness - 9/10/2008 6:22:16 PM   
OneMoreWaste


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That's a good one. I wonder if it originated with Dave Barry... it has a bit of his sound to it. 

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RE: Hurricane Preparedness - 9/10/2008 6:42:03 PM   
lilsubl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sappatoti

I had lost my printed copy to Hurricane Jeanne. :-)


gawd, i love irony!

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Linea, collarded pet of the evil Sir Max & his lovely & equally evil wife


it's no fun unless you're scared

if you can't be brave, be determined & you'll get to the same place

wannabe member of the subbi mafia

(in reply to sappatoti)
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RE: Hurricane Preparedness - 9/10/2008 7:02:36 PM   
GreedyTop


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From: Savannah, GA
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LMAO!! 

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RE: Hurricane Preparedness - 9/11/2008 4:40:56 PM   
cherrytvsissy


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Joined: 10/16/2005
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
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Heck of job BRNaughtyAngel !!!

Let's not forget Hurricane Betsy, Camille, Audrey and so many others.  

I'm in New Orleans and got 10 feet of water in my house after the levees failed (a day after Katrina). FEMA made me raise my house 1 foot, 10 and 1/4 inches as a result. Next time the levees break I'll only get 8 feet, 1 and 3/4 inches of flood water in my house! Heck of a job FEMA.

For Gustave I needlessly evacuated foour hundred miles north at an average speed of of about 12mph. Oh well, the three stooges; Mayor Clarence Ray "Get Your Butts Out of Town," Nagin, Governor Bobby Jellyfish and President W "Heck of Job Brownie" all got to look good.

Right now coastal Louisiana is flooding due to Ike. Trees in New Orleans are bending in the wind and we are having some pretty stiff rain and wind squalls. When is everyone going to understand "coastal restoration?"

My prayers are with eveyone in Ike's path (as well as all the other people faced with all the other hurricanes and natural disasters).

Bonsoir y'all.

P.S. Nebraska? I'm not going anywhere that doesn't serve rice with every meal.







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RE: Hurricane Preparedness - 9/11/2008 5:41:07 PM   
corsetgirl


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Too funny!  I went through Hurricane Charley and that was like a train going right through your house.  However, it was nothing in comparison to Katrina and I just wished someone could find a way to control these systems. 

Hey, Al Gore presented us with global warming and I don't know whether that is accurate or not but we have been getting quite a few storms.

Anyway, Nebraska sounds good to me!

< Message edited by corsetgirl -- 9/11/2008 5:42:33 PM >

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RE: Hurricane Preparedness - 9/11/2008 5:45:37 PM   
beargonewild


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Move to Canada, we don't have hurricanes.

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RE: Hurricane Preparedness - 9/11/2008 5:46:11 PM   
lilsubl


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can you say, "weather cycles"?

_____________________________

Linea, collarded pet of the evil Sir Max & his lovely & equally evil wife


it's no fun unless you're scared

if you can't be brave, be determined & you'll get to the same place

wannabe member of the subbi mafia

(in reply to corsetgirl)
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RE: Hurricane Preparedness - 9/11/2008 8:39:14 PM   
OneMoreWaste


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Joined: 8/24/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cherrytvsissy
I'm in New Orleans and got 10 feet of water in my house after the levees failed (a day after Katrina). FEMA made me raise my house 1 foot, 10 and 1/4 inches as a result. Next time the levees break I'll only get 8 feet, 1 and 3/4 inches of flood water in my house! Heck of a job FEMA.


Yep, if your house gets flooded again, it'll be all FEMA's fault. Bastards.


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