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The antomy of trust - 11/28/2005 10:19:58 PM

Slaveboiz

Posts: 38
Joined: 4/19/2005
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The anatomy of trust in long term M/s

By Mistress Suzan and slave ziggy
11/18/05

It goes without saying that of the many aspects of M/s, trust is an essential component. However, it is also the one aspect that people make the most assumptions about. We are often led to believe that trust is automatic and permanent in M/s. From my prospective trust is not only earned but it needs regular maintenance. In this essay W/we would like to explore the anatomy of trust and fear as it pertains to M/s.

At the risk of slaying the sacred M/s cow, I will begin with this idea. None of what we understand as important in M/s can happen without the first component, which is willingness. Willingness is the footers you dig before you lay your foundation. Without willingness nothing else is possible; willingness to serve, love, or obey, just to name a few. But what happens if we stop being willing? What causes that shift and how do we make the shift back?

I would suspect that for most folks the shift occurs when there is a breech in trust. Before we can understand that breech, it might be worth looking at trust itself and what role trust has in M/s beyond the dungeon.

If I understand human nature correctly, I would have to say that much of what we do is fear based. We work out of fear of not being able to provide for our families. We get in relationships with people based on an innate fear of loneliness. I know that is an over simplification of both those fears, but in the essences of time we will leave it at that.

There are other fears too, most of which remain hidden until we find ourselves in a relationship. These are what many refer to as unconscious fears, driven by our past experiences. We know the obvious fears as phobias and as far as relationships are concerned, these types of fears are relatively easy to address and deal with. However, those fears that cause the greatest challenges are those that are hidden until we are in relationships of a M/s nature. Why? Because, trust is assumed and required and we fail to see where trust and fear are polar opposites.

If we look at fear and trust in the sense of a balancing board, a scale or even a seesaw, we find as we raise trust we lower fear and as we raise fear we lower trust; all of this is an internal struggle for both the Master and the slave and is often triggered by the person we trust the most.

Can we get to the point where eliminate fear all together? I would have to answer that with a big fat NO. Fear is by nature inherent in all of us. It is what drives us and enables us to survive and self protect. I think that for most of us, the best we can hope for is to identify it and manage it.

In a Master slave relationship fear can also be the catalyst for looking at our fears and dealing with them. (We see this all the time in difficult play scenes where the top works with the bottom to change their perception of a particular type of play, such as needles or electricity.) It can be away of managing our fears with the help and support of our partners in power. The roadblock here is that fear can also be contagious especially if those fear responses are unconscious. Our fear responses can drive a hard wedge in what makes M/s work.

Teasing out and looking at those unconscious fears can put a strain on any relationship; the work here is in learning how to change our perceptions of those things that trigger our fears; but it’s the work we must do if we hope to reach the goal of not only trust, but also obedience.

So how do we manage fear?

The first step is taking responsibility. If we are exhibiting behaviors such as resistance, disobedience or even lack of motivation or willingness it does both partners in power no good to look the other way. Ignoring those behaviors will surely lead to resentment and eventually will place a huge crack in the foundation of your M/s relationship.

The second step is identification. It is important to locate and define the origin of our fears. There could be some connection to ones past that triggers such responses and, as we well know some of those origins can go as far back as childhood. I have to add here that finding the origin or a cause for such responses in no way relieves us from our responsibilities for our behaviors within our present relationships; instead it makes us even more responsible.

The third step is in determining what triggers those responses is asking our partners in power for help in identifying what triggers certain responses, and addressing those responses in away that creates a safe environment. This does NOT mean that if I disobey that there should not be repercussions for my undesired behaviors, but rather after a consequence is imposed that there should be time to process what happened and how to work towards eliminating that behavior or response in the future.

The forth step is self-awareness and reshaping how we respond to those fear responses. Sometimes that means that, as with play, our partners in power may choose to have us revisit those triggers until we become aware of those responses and self adjust. The goal here is to experience the trigger or fear, observe it and let it go. The goal also is to trade those responses for a more desired response like “yes Sir, as you wish Sir” or some variation of that.

Managing fear, so that trust can flourish in you r M/s relationship is in fact a challenge. However, as your relationship deepens and the work you do intensifies, trust and fear find their balance. Looking at fear and our responses to it, helps provide opportunities for growth both as individuals and as a couple.