vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (Full Version)

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supportvepartner -> vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/13/2008 2:09:59 PM)

Am currently in a relationship with someone who is into the bdsm scene. I am a newbie to the whole concept. Its fair to say that I have led so far a very vanilla life. But I want to change that and experiment with different things to find new pleasures. I am a very sensitive soul who works in the field of health care and is training to be a psychotherapist.
I am fascinated by the cognitive games people play. However due to the media and a ch4 documentary where i saw an old man having his bell end cheese gratered by his mistress, I was always very sceptical of this lifestyle.
My girlfriend is someone who I love with all my heart and we have very much an equal relationship, but I would like to learn how to get over my nervousness/ fear of either being dominant or submissive.
For example I cracked up laughing when during an intimate moment she asks me to slap her, to spit on her and to treat her like a slut. I was so taken aback as have never encountered that before that i just could not do it. I want to get over it as I want to give her the pleasure she gives me. 
Another point is...
She has been honest with me by saying she used to be a pro domme. But that is not what she wants from me in our relationship but she is wanting to go back into the professional side of things again. It took me a while to come to terms with this as i was completely naive and thought it was the same as selling your body. Boy, how wrong was i lol. I am now trying to be as supportive as possible.

to sum up...

In relationship with a potential returning pro domme.

Have never considered myself into bdsm as am a complete novice.

I generally dont like pain, but have never experienced mutually safe pain. Should i consider paying a pro domme as can not do it with my partner, she has offered to put me in touch with someone but is also unsure if I would be able to take it.

I still am unsure of this world, but want to dip my toe to see if it suits me.

I would like input from other people esp pro dommes or better still partners of pro dommes on how they cope with their/ partners work life and a relationship. Are there any tips or ways of coping with trust issues and anonimity. Will there be any potential problems to watch out for? Any ways of thinking about it that will stop that mischevious imp from making me feel jealous.

finally what is the best way to get over my fear of being dominant? Not only would it please her but would help me as most of my life have been naturally submissive and would like to find a balance.





AAkasha -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/13/2008 3:11:36 PM)


Why can't she dominate you instead of you seeing a pro?



undergroundsea -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/13/2008 3:43:16 PM)

What makes being dominant and sadistic difficult especially for a vanilla person is that often the behavior goes against how we are taught to treat people. We are taught to treat people with respect and gestures of sadism outside the BDSM context convey hostility and disrespect.

I think it is all a matter of realigning the perspective. Have you ever directed at a friend a Yo Momma joke or any other joke that outside the context of your friendly relationship would be offensive? That same joke that is offensive otherwise and through the general social metric becomes a positive gesture when it is done to a friend and it is known that instead of offense it represents well natured humor. I think what matters is not the act by itself but what the act means in the current context. In the BDSM context, gestures like slapping are not gestures of hostility or anger, but instead become positive relationship expressions.

By relationship expressions I mean that people develop rituals of sorts to express relationships. For instance, holding hands or french kissing are relationship expressions. They are gestures through which one conveys they like the other, and that the two are associating together at whatever level. In BDSM, these relationship expressions simply take different, unconventional forms. Sure, in everday life slapping is not a positive gesture. But in the BDSM context for one who enjoys it, slapping becomes an act that might arouse one's partner and, instead of feeling attacked, might make her want to hug tighter. I expect she will not ask someone she does not like to slap her. I expect that for her, being slapped is a relationship expression she shares with someone for whom she holds positive feelings.

To achieve the realignment of perspective, I think you have to set aside the conventional meaning of an act, and instead look at the meaning of the act in the given context. That is, when slapping her, you are not expressing hostility or harm towards her, but instead are giving her psychological and sexual pleasure. If you wish to explore it, start slow and gentle, and look at how she responds (watch her face and eyes) as you increase the intensity. Until you become comfortable with it, check in with her to see how she is doing. Set up a scale to help with the communication (on a scale of 1-10, how is she feeling with respect to being happy, on a scale of 1-10, how is she feeling with respect to intensity of the slap she can endure). Don't be surprised if she says 10 for being happy (because you are doing it) and 1 for intensity (because she is thinking c'mon already!) ;-)

There can be a whole other discussion about why one might get psychological and sexual pleasure from BDSM, which I will leave for another time.

As you do this for her, keep in touch with how you are feeling. If you are not liking it, forcing yourself to do it could backfire.

Cheers,

Sea



supportvepartner -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/13/2008 4:03:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


Why can't she dominate you instead of you seeing a pro?



thanks for replying. She can be domineering to a certain extent which is great, but she feels that for me to experience what she will be doing work wise I would have to see someone else. She feels that she could not do what she would in the domme sesssions as she has learned to seperate that role with her outside life. With me she may end up laughing or crying as the relationship is still in its early stages. just over 2 months to be precise. She has helped a lot, put it this way I was even giggling like a schoolboy when we first tried dirty talk. I know i have been missing out on a lot of things lol.



supportvepartner -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/13/2008 4:24:08 PM)

thanks Sea. That has certainly helped me understand better, I agree it all depends on perspective and communication. But i still find it hard to undo the notion that i am hitting a woman. Perhaps I need to start at a more basic level of undoing my own taboos before feeling confident that i was not doing something bad. Its that old thing,  the fear of failure. Maybe i need to be broken down before I can be dominant?
The difficulty I am finding within communication is reading when to be submissive/ dominant. I would like to get to a stage where I can read what she wants and can just do it. However  as its a new relationship I dont know her well enough yet to be able to pick up on the non verbal clues. I am watching and noting but am getting very confused as she is a very complex goddess. We do talk but its as if she wants me to just do it, but if i get it wrong then i would be in trouble.



ElanSubdued -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/13/2008 5:08:37 PM)

supportvepartner,

quote:

However due to the media and a ch4 documentary where i saw an old man having his bell end cheese gratered by his mistress, I was always very sceptical of this lifestyle.


By "bell end cheese" I'm assuming you mean "bell and cheese".  Congratulations.  There are a lot of acronyms and terms in BDSM, and I thought I'd seen most of them.  You've proved me wrong. :-)

About your quandary.  Screw the documentary.  Most televised illustrations of BDSM are considerably off the mark, if not downright misleading.  Television has to attract viewers.  This is why what gets reported is the salacious, "oh my God, look what those people are doing" stuff that doesn't let viewers see what is going on underneath.  Take, for example, a car crash scene in a movie.  Behind the scenes there are stunt men, safety procedures, safety training, and people who have consented to put the scene together.  What you see may look shocking... someone getting smashed up in a car.  In truth, nobody is getting hurt and everyone is having a lot of fun making this imagery seem very real.  BDSM isn't that much different.  Partners construct play scenes that feel good, look good, and turn each other on.  A lot of negotiation is involved.  All partners consent.  Nobody is forced (even if it may appear that this is the case).  Safety precautions are taken.  In short, what may look like something shocking and violent is indeed very different than the outside imagery.

Kinky people are responsible, loving human beings just like anyone else you've ever met.  Now sure, given that kinksters are human, they have all the same flaws as any human being.  This said, you love your girlfriend.  She's not suddenly a different person just because she wants you to slap her.  Think of it this way.  She's asking you to do something that she finds pleasurable.  You're not hurting her.  Rather, by slapping her, you'd be giving her exactly what she wants.

Why do kinky people do the things they do?  I gave you some insight above and it is this... because it feels good.  There are many things that motivate BDSM partners, but two of the most powerful are that:  (1) it is incredibly freeing to have a partner with whom you can discuss your wildest fantasies without fear of judgment and (2) actually playing out these fantasies in a fun, safe, sane way is... well.. fun!  It's lots of fun. :-)

Here's another thing to think about.  Some things that look like they hurt actually feel really, really good.  Have you ever had someone bite you or slap you while you're having rough sex?  Many people have and if you're one of these people, you'll know that this feels very good.  There are many reasons why this feels good.  It gets adrenaline and endorphins going in your body (both the body of the slapper and of the slappee) and these give a natural high.  There is a mind-fuck involved.  You're not supposed to bite and slap people.  Yep.  It can be really fun to do things you're not "supposed" to do.  The temporary marks left over look incredibly sexy and are a reminder of the time you spent together.  Have you ever made love in front of a fireplace and admired the shadows of the flames dancing on your partner's body?  She probably looked mouth-wateringly good.  Now imagine that you're the person painting those marks on her body in a way that feels good to her, that is temporary, and that is safe.  Imagine that the more you "paint" her, the more she wants to kiss you, make love to you, and devour your cock - and she will when you're done leaving your mark on her.

Slapping (as in across the face) isn't the greatest way to experiment with this kind of sensation play.  The problem with aiming for someone's face is that if you miss a safe target, you can actually hurt your partner rather badly.  Face slapping is hot and lots of kinky people do this all the time in a manner that is perfectly safe.  However, this isn't where I'd start if you're just learning.  Where do I suggest you start?  Use her ass.  The butt is quite safe to hit because it's well protected with lots of flesh.  Also, your slapping is likely to turn into spanking and... ou la la... a warm, red ass is decidedly sexy.

Perhaps slapping your girlfriend's ass doesn't feel comfortable to you.  I can only offer the following encouragement... as she gets more turned on, she moans, her pussy gets wetter, and she becomes more amorous, these things are very reassuring that you're not actually hurting her.  Once you've turned her on and heated her up, you may well end up enjoying some really hot sex.  Before you start treating her in a submissive way, it's a good idea to check that this is okay with her.  Assuming she gives you the green light, after you've spanked her, you can do things like grabbing her hair and putting your cock in her mouth.  If you do this in a way that is somewhat forceful (you don't want to hurt her, but you can still be very assertive about this), you'll maintain the mood.  At this point, she's likely to help you out - if you understand my meaning.  It takes two people to play and she seems quite willing so I wouldn't worry about shocking her.  She'll let you know if something doesn't feel good or if you're going in a direction that she doesn't want to go.  If in doubt, ask.  It's quite fine (and often necessary) to ask your partner things while you're playing.  There is nothing wrong with checking in from time-to-time just to ask "are you okay".

You may feel embarrassed and uncomfortable the first few times you try slapping / spanking your girlfriend's ass.  Don't worry about this.  Communicate to her.  Laugh with each other.  Tell her you're feeling uneasy and that it may take a few times for you to get it right.  Ask her for feedback!  "Honey, does this feel good?"  Later on this may become "you dirty slut, get on my lap".  You don't have to do everything at once.  Your girlfriend used to be a professional Domme.  She knows exactly what it is like for someone new so she's not expecting you to be Mr. Uber Dom right out of the gate.  Communicate.  Communicate.  Communicate.  And learn together.  Ask your girlfriend for ideas.  Ask her what she likes.  Volunteer ideas and fantasies you have and things you'd like to explore.  Explore BDSM sites like Collar Me together.  Your girlfriend probably knows some kinky people, but she wants *you* to slap her.  That's because she loves you and she wants to share intimacy with you.  This actually leads in to my next point.

I offer this next bit of hard learned advice, from one man to another.  I say "hard learned" because I made this mistake with a lover once.  When a woman asks you to "slap her, spit on her, and treat her like a slut", don't ignore her or back away in embarrassment.  And don't think that she doesn't want you to treat her this way.  She's asking you to make love to her.  She's asking you to indulge her and to devour her.  She's showing her affection and trust in you.  With all her soul she is saying "you turn me on... I love you... please love me back".  So treat her like a slut, even if it feels a bit strange at first.  (Of course, you can always kiss her afterwards if it makes you feel better.)  Your girlfriend knows you don't actually think she's a slut and she knows you won't actually hurt her.

quote:

Finally what is the best way to get over my fear of being dominant?  Not only would it please her but would help me as most of my life have been naturally submissive and would like to find a balance.


There are places in your OP where you talk about gaining experience as a submissive.  Conversely, you also noted that your girlfriend is willing to find a Domina for you.  First off, why explore with another Domina when your girlfriend seems more than willing to explore with you.  I see no reason for you to go to someone else.  Secondly, regarding getting over your fear of dominating your girlfriend, there is no magical way to do this.  Start slowly and experiment.  You're in a wonderful place because your girlfriend is a willing teacher and a willing play partner.  There is no right or wrong way to explore BDSM so just go at a pace that feels okay to you.

You've got a girlfriend who is being honest with you and who is trusting you with her deepest emotions, joys, and fantasies.  Wow!  Lucky bugger!  The discomfort you're feeling is natural.  At first, BDSM seems like a big, bad world.  It isn't.  It's just people who love one another expressing themselves and giving each other pleasure.  I'm not going to kid you that there isn't lots to learn, but the great part is that you can still have fun while you're learning.  From time-to-time, mistakes happen.  When this is the case, the best thing to do is to admit your mistake, apologize, correct as best you can, and learn from the experience.  If you approach learning this way, mistakes can be useful tools that actually help build trust between you and your partner.

I just noticed that undergroundsea posted.  I've not read Sea's post yet, but I highly recommend you read his comments.  Sea is one of the most knowledgeable, well respected kinksters on this site and his posts are always full of helpful insight and balance.

Last thing.  The next opportunity you get, take your girlfriend aside, kiss her, and tell her how much you love her.  Thank her for her honesty and trust in you, and tell her you'd like to learn about BDSM if she's willing to help you.  I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the reaction you get.  Oh, and one more thing, as she walks away, make sure to slap her ass. :-)

Good luck and welcome aboard supportvepartner,

Elan.



OneMoreWaste -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/13/2008 5:21:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: supportvepartner
She feels that she could not do what she would in the domme sesssions as she has learned to seperate that role with her outside life.


Boy, no joke! [:D]

You say that you want to stop being vanilla and try experimenting. This is certainly an opportunity to do so. However, I'm kinda getting the impression from what you've written that you've been tossed into the deep end with no real sense of direction.

If you're going to be Dominant over her, ask yourself this- what do YOU want to do? I'm assuming you've gotten some exposure to all the sorts of things that can be done in BDSM play- do any of them appeal to you? If so, get youself some education, either on-line, books, or better, in person, and try it, on your terms. You're not going to be able to build any kind of confidence unless you try doing *something*, and the best place to start is to try something you want.

If you're not going to be Dominant, and instead be what is known as a "Service Top" (which is what I get from your third post), then it seems like things are being made unnecessarily complicated. She needs to tell you what she's feeling and what she wants you to do, because learning somebody else's reactions isn't going to help either one of you.

Likewise, if you're going to be her submissive, the idea of going to a different pro to start out is silly. If she can't play with you as a Domme now, why on Earth would that change just because you've been with somebody else? Laughter and tears are part of any relationship.



Paulnz -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/14/2008 1:01:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: supportvepartner


Should i consider paying a pro domme as can not do it with my partner, she has offered to put me in touch with someone but is also unsure if I would be able to take it.

I still am unsure of this world, but want to dip my toe to see if it suits me.

I would like input from other people esp pro dommes or better still partners of pro dommes on how they cope with their/ partners work life and a relationship. Are there any tips or ways of coping with trust issues and anonimity. Will there be any potential problems to watch out for? Any ways of thinking about it that will stop that mischevious imp from making me feel jealous.



Your questions come under the general heading of ' working with someone involved in adult entertainment.'

The first thing to address, is what is the foundation of your existing relationship ? It may be nothing needs changing and you simply go on as you have before.

Are you happy with your partner developing sexual relationships with paying clients ( however you define sex ) ? If not, you have problems. If yes, what is the way forward in terms of your role ? Are you going to be Pimp or simply boyfriend/husband ? What I can detect, and possibly you are missing, is your partner is training you to carry out the management function ( pimping ). That's why the separation from what she does, and the nature of the relationship you are having with her. If you're not the Pimp, then someone else will need to do that, or she'll have to self-manage, which puts extra strain on things.

The main ways that these relationships fail is that over time the vanilla partner comes to feel uncomfortable with what the other does. At the same time the pro can be denying the vanilla partner attention as she comes home so drained. Over time one or the other gives way, either the vanilla partner leaves or the pro-domme gives up the work. The relationships that work, where the vanilla/pro stay together doing what they always did, are ones where the demarcation lines are clearly understood.

I have known cases where the pro-domme has her vanilla partner do sessions with her colleagues. But that was so he could learn about what she does, without having her directly involved.



undergroundsea -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/14/2008 10:39:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: supportvepartner
But i still find it hard to undo the notion that i am hitting a woman. Perhaps I need to start at a more basic level of undoing my own taboos before feeling confident that i was not doing something bad. Its that old thing,  the fear of failure. Maybe i need to be broken down before I can be dominant?


I think experiencing what it is like to be hit will help you get a sense for how intense the pain is, and that it is tolerable. Bear in mind that the levels of pain tolerance differ across people. Perhaps being hit will also help you see that one can be hit without any hostility--I expect if you consent to being hit, you will not feel abused afterwards, which will help you extend the same feeling to her if you cannot comfortably reach it cognitively.

Can you be broken down and then rebuilt to have a more dominant personality, I am unsure. I will leave that question to your field of study.

quote:

The difficulty I am finding within communication is reading when to be submissive/ dominant. I would like to get to a stage where I can read what she wants and can just do it. However  as its a new relationship I dont know her well enough yet to be able to pick up on the non verbal clues. I am watching and noting but am getting very confused as she is a very complex goddess. We do talk but its as if she wants me to just do it, but if i get it wrong then i would be in trouble.


I sense she is not seeking submission from you in a BDSM sense. That she is wanting you to be dominant without telling you specifically what to do tells me she is more interested to be dominated than to be topped. I think going back and forth between dominance and submission based on what you perceive to be her wish at the moment will undermine your ability to be dominant.

I think it would help you to examine from where comes the desire to assume whichever role she wants and the concern that you might be in trouble--how much is it a desire to please her and how much is it a desire to appease her. If she has the greater social power in the relationship because your interest in her clearly exceeds that she has for you, this imbalance will limit your ability to be dominant. That is, if you are assuming whichever role for fear of upsetting her or losing her, your wish to appease her will become evident to her and will undermine your ability to be dominant. The dominance would then feel unauthentic.

I think achieving confidence in yourself and the relationship, and not fearing dischord will help you be dominant.

You had mentioned that you are more inclined to be submissive and the text above reflects the same. Some people simply are happier in the submissive role and cannot assume the dominant role, which is fair enough. If you are happier in the submissive role and she is seeking someone who is dominant, it may be that your compatibility is limited. If so, it may be that each of you would be happier with someone else who better fits what you seek. I wish you the best as you try to explore BDSM with her and mention this as a point to keep in mind; if you find over time that you two are becoming frustrated with trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, you might ask if it would be better to find pegs and holes that match.

Cheers,

Sea



subexploring -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/14/2008 11:36:53 PM)

Not to throw cold water on anything, but I think if "supportvepartner" is looking for a really lasting relationship, he might want to think about compatibility issues. In my experience, kinks are connected to some pretty deep psychological needs. He's a happily vanilla premed student who if anything tends toward being mildly submissive. She's a professional sex worker who dominates clients at work but wants to be hit and called a slut during "real" sex at home. That's a pretty complicated emotional cocktail. I guess there's no harm in trying things out, but he shouldn't be surprised if they hit a level where they just aren't wired to satisfy each other.

Looking above, I see undergroundsea has already touched on some of the same points...



MistressTaboo -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/16/2008 1:20:17 PM)

Read read read and then ask a million questions...

I suggest:
S&M 101
Screw the roses send me the thorns.

Find someone in the local scene willing to mentor you and glue yourself to their hip and ask a million questions...




MmeGigs -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/16/2008 5:15:03 PM)

You've gotten lots of good responses.  I'm going to focus on one thing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: supportvepartner
Any ways of thinking about it that will stop that mischevious imp from making me feel jealous.


I imagine it would be tough to frame what she's doing as "just a job", even if that is the case.  We want our sweeties to be happy in their work, but there is such a thing as too happy, and a job that involves nakedness and hard-ons and such seems riskier than your standard office job.  Jealousy is a pretty complex emotion.  In order to vanquish it, you first have to know what it's about.  When you've felt jealousy, where has it come from?  Is it that you feel that you're being lied to, that you're afraid your partner will leave you, that you're icked out by the thought that someone else has been intimate with them, or something else?  If you're someone who is fundamentally kinked for monogamy, there may not be a way to think about her job that will make you okay with it, but if your jealousies have some other source, you may be able to sort it out. 

Our big brains really screw with us when it comes to this kind of thing.  When we don't know what's going on, our big brains fill in the gaps with all kinds of loathesome, ridiculous crap, so I think that the trick is to make sure there are as few gaps as possible.  Many jealous impulses can be shortcircuited by straightforward communication and active listening.  You have to make a decision to give your partner the benefit of the doubt unless there's a clear reason not to, and you have to develop a constructive way to approach them when you're feeling uncomfortable with stuff.  Since you're training to be a psychotherapist, I'll bet you've been to some "how to communicate" seminars.  Use those tools with your partner.  Approach the issue before it's an ISSUE, avoid blame, talk about how you feel.

Good luck!!



Reigna -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/16/2008 5:48:28 PM)

FWIW, I don't agree that it's necessary to submit in order to learn what submission is like. If you're curious, by all means go ahead. But I'm not sure that you need to know in order to be a decent Dom. (There is strongly differing opinion on this.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: supportvepartner
Perhaps I need to start at a more basic level of undoing my own taboos before feeling confident that i was not doing something bad.


My advice would be to forget for the moment about undoing your taboos. Instead, start at a more basic level of BDSM. In fact, I'd even dial that back quite a bit. Start by giving her slightly more intense and different sensations than you ordinarily would do. Start with some of the classic activities for introducing a partner to BDSM--light bondage with silk scarves, stimulating erogenous zones (e.g., nipples) with feathers--things like that. Granted she's more experienced than you are, and you are the one who appears to be in need of an introduction. It's not always Doms introducing subs to BDSM, you know; often it works the other way around. Even if during your initial explorations she's a bit bored--well, you're nominally the Dom, so that's her problem. [;)] When (not if) you discuss it, frame it in those terms.

This mild exploration may give you some insight into why BDSM can be worthwhile for both partners. Which is to say, you may begin to enjoy it as much as she does. All the while, you will be noticing and learning about her responses (and yours), which is precisely what you need to be doing at this stage of the relationship. If after a fair trial you don't begin to enjoy yourself--frankly you are not compatible with this woman and you both need to move on. Betcha it won't work that way, though.

That your darling is or was a pro Domme but wants to be dominated at home, suggests to me that she may be a switch. This might work in your favor if you're not able to be dominant all the time.

In any case, good luck.



Skully7000 -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/16/2008 10:15:08 PM)

I've been involved in the fetish scene for many years but never quite understood the play aspect of it.

Play was just physical acts for me for along time. and I went through the motions trying to please my partners but it always left them empty.

it all came together when I came accepted that I was Polyamorous(mulitple partners) and one of my partners was a pro-domme, the other partner was a BDSM educator who runs the Novice group at our local BDSM educational group.

so i got to see things from different angles. and perspectives.

the first thing I learned about play was its not about the physical acts. they are just tools. its about the emotional connection you have. the energy you share between the two(or more) people. Just like the difference between scratching an itch on your partners back vs having hot sex and dragging your fingernails down their back.

the other thing that might help you out alot is to understand the difference between Dom and Sub vs Top and Bottom. there are plenty of activities that you can enjoy (especially between two people who are Power neutral) that can be very enjoyable.

my first flogging was more like a massage then a beating. it was very very heavy and thuddy(I don't like Sting) and the rythym became medatative.

Rope was not about Submitting in the sense of being helpless it was something to grab onto while she pleasured me.

the bunny fur wasn't about Teasing me because I wasn't worthy of her it was about the two of us exploring different sensations together.

combining that with attending munches and classes. and reading the message boards here. it gradually all sunk in.

A BIG factor for me was the classes.  I couldn't grasp the emotional/mental concepts in a one on one scenario. but seeing two people demo'ing something in the class, or just watching a really hot scene at the local dungeon (while my partner explained what was happening) helped me to really see the impact on the psyche outside of the physical tools being used at the time.

the other fact that helped me alot is the idea that the fetish is often the Trigger. so while someone might not understand scat play they will fully understand foot worship. well for some people they are to different triggers(ways) to show that they worship their dominants. so while you might not understand a particular fetish or trigger the result of that trigger can be something very familiar.

another example is for my submissive, getting her hair pulled makes her feel very submissive. I'm the opposiste. pulling my hair doesn't make me angry, just makes me want to take control of the situation.

overall it sounds to me like you are on your way in a very fun and new journey. exporing alot of stuff. don't worry don't feel pressured. just keep an open mind and a thirst for new information and you will be quite surprised where it leads you.

Cheers
Skully



supportvepartner -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/20/2008 8:47:39 AM)

wow, thanks for the responses. you have all given me a lot of information to work on, have just bought S & M 101 and am awaiting its arrival with a sense of excitement. The more i learn the more i want to try. My girlfriend, who is def a switch told me about how she "kidnapped" a previous boyfriend. I must admit the idea of being kidnapped is certainly an intriquing one. It would certainly test my limits. Hopefully she will kidnapp me some time [:D]. anyway we have discussed her new job as it were. I wanted her to give me a session so i could understand more but she says that as she loves me she would not be able to do it effectively as she would worry about causing me pain/ or just laugh therefore not be strict enough.  So she has suggested i see one of her pro domme friends (one that is professional and not a "prostitute with a whip" as she calls them[:D]. I am tempted to take her up on that offer to further my own exploration. I am however concerned about the possibility of her holding fetish parties. She has explained that there would be 4 mistresses and 8 slaves. 2 slaves per mistress and the slaves would swap every so often so the slaves could experience the differing mistresses. I am only concerned due to some research I have done on fetish parties whereby it has ended up in the realms of a swinging party. Can someone set me straight please. x



undergroundsea -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/20/2008 9:59:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: supportvepartner
She has explained that there would be 4 mistresses and 8 slaves. 2 slaves per mistress and the slaves would swap every so often so the slaves could experience the differing mistresses. I am only concerned due to some research I have done on fetish parties whereby it has ended up in the realms of a swinging party. Can someone set me straight please. x


If there is a party that has 8 mistresses and 4 subs, let me know and I will come answer all your questions in person ;-)

If by swinging you mean conventional sex, fetish parties can occur without any sex occuring. Many BDSM parties have a no-sex rule. Otherwise, perhaps there is a BDSM swinging of sorts where different people are experiencing different people with respect to BDSM, and there may be a sexual charge present.

Cheers,

Sea



Gladiator123 -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/20/2008 4:24:05 PM)

I have been in this lifestyle for most of my life. In her Pro Dom days prior, was it about the financial gain, where she had to be a bit of an actress for the success? Or is she an assertive, naturally Dominant Lady. Major houses of Domination hire and train young woman to be a Dominatrix. This is primary to catering to the clients fetishes and his desires. Therefore if you were to get your feet wet with a Pro Dom, I believe you would be doing  the true Female Domination World and yourself an injustice. In a loving relationship it is different because your mindset should be to please your Lady and owner. It is all about her. her desires, joy and happiness. The power exchange, submissiveness, you give her along with your obedience to whatever she commands will probably send both of you in Dom \ sub space. The love, sex, and closeness is wild and intensified. This is what the vanilla world will never understand. That kind of closeness does not exist in their world. This is not something you will get from a $300.00 an hour Pro. Please no disrespect to the Pro Doms. I just don't think for his problem a Pro would be the answer. I hope this sheds a little light for you. 



madameshadow -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/21/2008 3:35:16 PM)

Hi.[:)]its intresting to read all of your comments.I understand the concern of supportvpartner. Myself  been  a  very well  known Pro Dom for 10 years and experienced every part of bdsm. during this period Finding  the partner who understand you are not selling your body  YOU ARE NOT A PROSTITUTE and you have the desire to do this as a profession  something what is always  has been natural for(been dominant assertive and kinky lol) you and lived for it is hard to find. Your girlfriend is lucky.... You have to trust her She already trusted you sharing her deepest secret . is a great start for every relationship. It can work. If you  are supportive understanding and let her to be --she will trust you more and more and share even deepest secret with you. If she loves you and staying with you but she wants to be a pro dom you may consider this----she only do it for your both future to secure financial matters......????? could that be the case? But instead of doing 9-5 monday to friday office job ,she wants the indipendens of running her own business and do something what she enjoy the most and making her happy .having the freedom to work as it suit her  spend more time with you and earn great money by doing  some "special therapy" for ppl and cater for all the fetishes in a professional way  with great experience------what the vanilla housewife or girlfriend with no experience and a luck of equippment fail to do at home. Just cos your girlfriend my can cut your hair ok at home doesnt mean you want her to do it   !!!you  will  go to see the top hairdresser at tony and guy,...... OR your girlfriend is a great cook... but you still go out and eat in the restaurant!! and End of the day she loves You and coming back to you every day so where is the problem?
My advise  is stay who you are!!! the same person when you met her cos this is the person  she fallen in love at the first place- 
but learn more about bdsm to understand her better. Best way. if you have doubt ask her never hold back.good luck
You dont have to be sub or dom to her.Be yourself if you change your personality thinking it will help realtionship better then you wrong. relax and welcome



undergroundsea -> RE: vanilla boyfriend of a pro domme (9/21/2008 4:05:17 PM)

Here is a wonderful post by Elan sharing insights that would be helpful to someone beginning to explore the dominant role.

Cheers

Sea

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2094679/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#2094679



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