valuable

valuable (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid

Message

lally3 -> valuable (9/15/2008 12:11:05 PM)
this might sound a little bizarre, but i need to ask, because i seem to have a brain block on this. i was meditating in the woods the other day and i got this very clear message that for me to become valued by others i must become valuable to myself how the hell do you become valuable to yourself. i told you it was a bit bizarre..

Mercnbeth -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 12:18:33 PM)
respect and appreciate the many talents and gifts that make you uniquely you.

E2Sweet -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 12:21:15 PM)
Perhaps interchanging the word desirable with valuable would help to find tangible methods? After all, aren't valuable (in terms of what they can offer or bring to the table) submissives also very desirable? Edited for grammar...

philosophy -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 12:22:20 PM)
...you're already valuable to yourself. Consider where you'd be if you weren't around........yourself is a great big 'YOU ARE HERE' in the great cosmic map......

cjan -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 1:21:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 this might sound a little bizarre, but i need to ask, because i seem to have a brain block on this. i was meditating in the woods the other day and i got this very clear message that for me to become valued by others i must become valuable to myself how the hell do you become valuable to yourself. i told you it was a bit bizarre.. lally, everyone has infinite value.No need for "becoming" valuable. Others will either recognize and ackowledge your value or not. You have no contro over that. For some, the challenge is to recognize the inherent value in ourselves and in others. Perhaps it would be interesting to ask yourself where this "clear message" came from, and what's "blocking" the answer.

bipolarber -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 1:38:43 PM)
Care. Make a difference. Help.

bipolarber -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 1:41:26 PM)
Here's another hint: "The Velveteen Rabbit" It's a kids book, so it won't take you long to get through. (Unless you are President Bush, where it will take you 7 1/2 minutes to get past the first page. LOL)

ThundersCry -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 2:06:15 PM)
Two words come to my....mind... Integrety... Dignity...

DesFIP -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 2:09:20 PM)
Respect yourself and do not allow others to treat you as trash. Know your own worth and don't accept less than you deserve. And yes, you are a person of value, remember that.

Lockit -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 2:15:19 PM)
Intellectually one can say the words that they are valuable, but somehow don't feel valuable. It can be a hard block to cross over. A lot of it is what I call self talk. How do you talk to yourself? I have pretty eyes, but dang I can be so blind... well that is going to get you what you actually think and feel. Knowing you have pretty eyes, but thinking you are blind and you won't feel good or valuable about that. Refuse to validate the questions you might have in your self talk and re-enforce the good things. Make it a goal to re-enforce the good things, dwell on them and then take action on them and sooner or later... they are real to you. That is when you KNOW you are valuable. This may or may not be what you are doing... but in many people, that is what I have seen that defeats them. Those woods sound like a great place to be!

thishereboi -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 3:31:58 PM)
I had a counselor tell me that I could not like others unless I first liked myself. I had a lot of self esteem issues back then. This sounds a lot like that.

beargonewild -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 3:52:20 PM)
Know your physical limits and respect them. Keep a good self image, honestly believe that you are beautiful inside and out, know that you are worthwhile. Pamper yourself and put your needs at the top of the list and not delegate them to the bottom of the list. Be true to yourself, your personal convictions and don't compromise yourself for anyone.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 3:53:37 PM)
I dunno how you managed to go your whole life not hearing the proverb "You have to love yourself before you can accept love from others" but kudos on that. What causes you to value anything? How do you apply that to yourself?

pahunkboy -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 6:14:50 PM)
Good topic. I agree with the premise. :-)

dreamofthemoon -> RE: valuable (9/15/2008 6:19:41 PM)
i'm going to go with bear and LA on this one. [:)]

lally3 -> RE: valuable (9/16/2008 5:03:33 AM)
LA, thanks, you made me laugh - i have heard that saying but Lockit explains the mental leap very well from 'telling' yourself youre OK and believing it deep down. and yes Lockit, it is a wonderful place to be, here in the south of england its getting badly changed around and there are few places left in the New Forest that are still peaceful and wild. well, i knew id get some great insight from you guys and thank you. everything that everyone has said about loving yourself, being true to yourself, accepting yourself is true and i am getting better at it. i think what beargonewild says about not delegating your needs to the bottom of the list is an important one, and because i always do, without thinking, because im more comfortable that way perhaps that reflects back badly on me with the people who dont really understand and equate it as weak and therefore not a valuable trait. how much of how others perceive us affects how we feel about ourselves even indirectly. last night i boiled three bags of rice in a small pan that boiled dry. two of the bags were ok and not ruined, so i gave my son and his dad (my ex) an unspoilt bag of rice each with their curry and i reboiled a fresh bag for myself. my ex asked me why i wasnt eating with them and when i explained he told me that i was daft and i should have shared the rice out equally between the three of us. he mumbled and moaned at me and clearly thought i was a fool. fact is i was happy to do it that way (so i was pleasing myself) but to my ex i was a fool, which made me feel stupid when i eventually came through with my supper. so to the outside world what i did was not valued or valuable (as an example and it being my ex is irrelevant, this is just an example), what i give is valuable to me but that value isnt always understood or seen as valuable by others, which is fine and not why i do things necessarily - but if the premis is correct that we have to value ourselves or be valuable to ourselves before others can value us, the premis seems flawed if what we do is seen to be weak. if thats so, then to be valuable to ourselves needs to almost be autonimous and not dependent upon anothers value system as any sort of yard stick or reflection.... maybe?

Lockit -> RE: valuable (9/16/2008 11:29:23 AM)
I am not sure I agree that one must love themselves before they can be loved. I think it might help to understand the love that is given, but I don't think that love can be denied simply because one might be insecure or not value themselves as much as they might. It doesn't make sense to me that what someone else feels for another can be diminished because of someone not sharing the love for themselves. I don't get that. Could a love between two people who love themselves be better or easier, yes, I can see that, but I just can't wrap my brain around how a lack of love can diminish love given. I have known people who were very insecure and who didn't value themselves who loved... did they love from a place that was unhealthy? Some of them did. But some of them were actually loving someone and receiving love in return and actually bloomed because of the love shared and became more secure. So I don't see this self love and value as a must as a first step. Are we saying here that lally for example, who questions her value or how to value herself, doesn't know how to love anyone else? She may need some work on how to feel better about herself and how one might not think her to be a doormat because she isn't as selfish as others, etc. but is the lack of selfishness a fault? Only when it hurts someone could I see a lack of selfishness as a fault. I see quicker a selfish person as faulty. Where is the cut off here? What I mean is, if one is insecure or doesn't love a certain thing about themselves, is there less love they are able to receive or give and how much insecurity does it take to be at the place where what they feel or receive in love is actually not love and then what is it? If love is giving and love is kind, how is seeing the one's you love pleased a fault? The only way I can see it as faulty at the moment and it is my morning... is when someone has no thought to self in a harmful way. Think of all those wonderful people who have been examples of selflessness and love who gave themselves to the world or society somehow, unto death sometimes. Did they suffer this lack of love or was it from an unhealthy place where love could not be given or recieved? Did they come from a place of less value or lack somehow or did they simply make a choice to not be self focused on a whole? If someone has a rough time in life and has been wounded lots of times or for a long time, they may have some issues to get through and learn to live a better way for themselves, but I don't feel they are totally handicapped in ability to love or receive love. That is too hard and fast a rule of pop psych for me and I cannot believe it is a one fit for all. How can we in bdsm, with submissive's and slave's say that? Isn't the slave being selfless in a sense if they give their all for the happiness and well being of another? I think we have a huge double standard here. lally... if your husband is feeling as if you are walked on and don't think of yourself enough, I can see where he might come from that place and can also see your point too. But you don't want him offended by your lack of self focus and losing respect for you. Have a good talk with yourself, write things down... like think back on things that might have happened where he thought you were being doormattish and write down how you felt and why. Maybe in explaining your position and talking about it, you both might discover some miscommunication in motivations and such. Any um's in the situation need to see good self respect because we are their expample, but they also in my opinion need to see selfless acts of love too. It takes a great balance and I don't know anyone perfect at it, but I know lots of people good at trying to do it!

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: valuable (9/16/2008 1:36:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 this might sound a little bizarre, but i need to ask, because i seem to have a brain block on this. i was meditating in the woods the other day and i got this very clear message that for me to become valued by others i must become valuable to myself how the hell do you become valuable to yourself. i told you it was a bit bizarre.. From a psych standpoint lally, it sounds like you're having subconscious self-worth issues. (Keep in mind that this is based Strictly on the op - I haven't read the entire thread yet!) I would make the suggestion of starting a list of what you personally see as your good points - whether they be tangible or intangible, whether they be learned abilities/behaviors or inborn talents. Make yourself start with a list of no less than 10 items, and then every other day for a month, add another item to the list - if you can't think of something every other day, take 10 to 15 minutes to simply sit quietly in meditation to come up with something. Don't forget to include those often "forgotten" abilities that you've learned in the course of some hobby or prior job that you might no longer take active part in. Repeat items and/or variations on a theme are not allowed. At the end of the month, go back and look at the list and reevaluate yourself. Most folks terribly underestimate the sheer amount of seemingly useless "Stuff" they've picked up along the way through life - and therefore underestimate themselves and their true worth. Lockit, people DO have to value - or love - themselves prior to others being able to Fully love them. The line gets drawn when it becomes Malignant self love. IE narcicism that becomes pathological and destructive of those around you. If you do not fully know yourself - and appreciate/love/value yourself - then how are others supposed to be Able to fully know and/or love/appreciate/value you? How are you to know if you're being UNDER valued by someone else, if you can't accurately (or at least mostly) place a sense of self-worth? You mention selfishness - but in all honesty, we as human beings Need at least Some small degree of selfishness in ourselves. I say this simply because eventually, everyone reaches the emotional limit of what they're capable of giving - they HAVE to have time to recharge their emotional/spiritual batteries in some fashion by giving to Themselves. You can be the most Giving person on the planet - but if you never develop the ability to say "No, this is my time for ME" - you will eventually not be Healthy enough to "give" anything to someone else. That in and of itself is significantly unhealthy - both from an emotional and physical standpoint. Someone who is ONLY selfish - honestly incapable of thinking past themselves and their own wants and desires to the needs of others - has gone into that area of Malignant self love. Yes, I feel that people are less capable of giving - or recieving - love - REAL love, not simply the outward appearances of duty or affection masquerading as love - if they are truely unhappy within themselves or truely and significantly dislike something about themselves. Not that they are incapable of giving/recieving Any love - just that their capacity for the Full Potential is diminished. I say this because looking at it logically - if someone Significantly Dislikes something about themselves, their emotional energies are consumed with either worrying about that thing, or attempting to somehow Fix/Compensate for that thing. If their emotional energies are thus consumed, there isn't a "full load" left TO invest in the potential to give or recieve love. You have to also keep in mind - with regardes to BDSM, and it's attendant DS and MS relationships - that those relationships are based on Both partners Giving Something To The Other. In truth, a HEALTHY ds/ms relationship is a Partnership of Equals in my estimation - each partner giving and recieving on an aproximately equal level. They may not be "giving" the same things or "recieving" the same things - but Both have to be Receiving some sort of Equal fulfillment from it, or the relationship ENDS - just like a non-ds/non-ms relationship Ends if both partners don't feel like they're recieving Something of Value from their partner.

Lockit -> RE: valuable (9/16/2008 2:04:25 PM)
I wouldn't think of disagreeing in most of what is said here. Mother Teressa for example, did think of self and had area's where she was very centered in her own needs, but chose to give and whether it was all healthy or not... I do believe that love can be felt and given even for those who are unhealthy. It may not be total emotional health, but there is some form of love. I never said that being selfless meant a total, blantant lack of self thought or concern. If I love someone who doesn't love themself, does that diminish the love I give? How can someone else diminish what I feel? They can have a hard time accepting it or not understand it, but my unconditional love... unconditional but within reason and accountablity as to what I might take from them, but still love them... isn't based on all knowledge or them knowing themselves. It is based on that they are a person and I find something loveable about them. I don't have to know every detail of them to love them in some way and they don't need to know every detail of themself or how they might evolve before I can give them love and them receive the benefit of such love. If one must be near personal perfection to give or receive love, then few actually know love. If a person or love are diminished somehow and the full potentiual isn't there... the love that is there can be used to bring forth healing and wholeness so that one day they might know the fulness of it all. We can't all start with the fulness as many have been broken by life and love, but taking what we have and starting there is a plus in my opinion and being full and complete isn't always the first step.

stella41b -> RE: valuable (9/16/2008 2:12:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 this might sound a little bizarre, but i need to ask, because i seem to have a brain block on this. i was meditating in the woods the other day and i got this very clear message that for me to become valued by others i must become valuable to myself how the hell do you become valuable to yourself. i told you it was a bit bizarre.. From a psych standpoint lally... I would make the suggestion of starting a list of what you personally see as your good points - whether they be tangible or intangible, whether they be learned abilities/behaviors or inborn talents. Make yourself start with a list of no less than 10 items, and then every other day for a month, add another item to the list - if you can't think of something every other day, take 10 to 15 minutes to simply sit quietly in meditation to come up with something. Don't forget to include those often "forgotten" abilities that you've learned in the course of some hobby or prior job that you might no longer take active part in. Repeat items and/or variations on a theme are not allowed. At the end of the month, go back and look at the list and reevaluate yourself. Most folks terribly underestimate the sheer amount of seemingly useless "Stuff" they've picked up along the way through life - and therefore underestimate themselves and their true worth. Yes this is one way of going about it, from a psychological point of view rooted in Pavlovian behaviourism and examining one's psychophysical actions from the perspective of Meyerhold's constructivism, but there is also an alternative: quote: A commitment towards a healthy body and mind to the best of one's abilities, circumstances and health. A commitment to be connected with life and others, to perceive oneself in other people, not to make judgments of other people without being in their shoes. A commitment to understand that one's thoughts and feelings have an influence on one's actions and speech, and that one's spiritual, emotional and psychological development is just as important as one's physical and material development. A commitment to understanding that the true nature of a human being does not lie in their appearance or social position or status, but in their inner nature and soul. Finding the balance between the demands of the outer world and the demands of one's soul. A commitment to stand by a decision once made, even in the face of daunting adversity and opposition, right to the conclusion to that decision or the admission that the decision was made in error. A commitment for being open and positive to the world and the people around us, to share, give and accept the brotherhood of human beings. The above comes from the six commitments of living from an anthroposophical standpoint (think Steiner and Waldorf). Or further simplified... Just be yourself... others will appreciate you for it.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875