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Submissiveness and exploration - 9/15/2008 11:57:33 PM

cmatrix4761

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Joined: 6/28/2005
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In response to recommendations from some friends, I've decided to refocus my attention in the BDSM scene from intimacy-oriented to exploration-oriented. I seem to like submissiveness more than dominance, so I started looking for dominants (not mistresses). During my search, it occured to me that I have no idea why I'm exploring -- I know that I want to, and that I'm always exploring myself for the sake of self-enlightenment; but, I can't quite put my thumb on why I'm exploring BDSM.
Sex isn't a core issue to me, and I've even done without just for the sake of being without it before; I'm notoriously self-reliant, so I'm not filling a power gap inside myself (as seems to be the case with alot of serious submissives).
I look into my fantasies and don't see a weaker me begging to be let out of a cage, but the idea of being put there seems attractive. I've wonder why.
Have any of you ever wondered 'why submissiveness'?

-- Allen

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/16/2008 1:08:00 AM

DreamsOfSpider

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Yes.

Edit for more serious answer:

My current theory is that power dynamics and sex are linked for a lot of people... if it isn't the norm, it's certainly a common variation. Why there are people who are submissive, rather than everyone being switchy and squabbling over who's "top dog"... I dunno. But it's true in the non-kinky sense, too. Most people (well, most people I know, at least; might not be a representative sample) don't really want to be in charge.

< Message edited by DreamsOfSpider -- 9/16/2008 1:35:09 AM >

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Post #: 2

RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/16/2008 3:39:35 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Probably because you are notoriously self reliant. If you are always in charge of everything in your life, not able to turn anything over to anyone else, you may see submissiveness as a welcome break from being in charge. A vacation from everyday control, as it were.

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/16/2008 4:11:33 AM

ExKat

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I've wondered "why submissive" many times, and I've yet to come up with a fully adequate answer. For me, I think it's a combination of things, the main one being that it seems like the most natural relationship for me. Every relationship has a power balance, whether it's your boss or your mother. I tend to be forward and I tend to 'take care of things' in other aspects of my life. Being with a dominant allows me to put down the burden of responsibility and power, to simply relax and enjoy being taken care of. Plus...there's the kinky sex.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cmatrix4761

...I'm not filling a power gap inside myself (as seems to be the case with alot of serious submissives).

I would count the "power gap" folks a little differently. I think that submissives who need a dominant in their life-cannot function without the strong controlling force- are more needy, dependant, and fantasy-driven than most submissives...I wouldn't call them serious submissives. Slaves who thinks their only purpose in life is being a slave, one who wants nothing better than to sit at thier owners' feet an hour a day, be whipped two hours a day, and be chained 21 hours a day don't understand the true strength inherent in submitting...nor do they understand that these types of fantasies are not real-life (which is probably why people looking to fill a power gap within themselves frequently find themselves without a partner).

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/16/2008 4:43:58 AM

CdnExplorer

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I spent the better part of a year thinking about this; for me it is most definitely the notoriously self reliant thing. It all started to fall into place after finding someone I felt comfortable enough with to really give up control to. Afterwards I felt such a profound release of internal tension, something I hadn't realized I had been carrying around with me. After thinking about where some of that need for loss of control comes from I started to wonder if maybe I was doing this stuff for the wrong reasons. Then I remembered that my sexuality has always been connected with bdsm. Even if things had happened differently so that I didn't need to be self reliant all the time, I'd still have been a very kinky bottom. In the end those things changed the expression of my submissiveness, but not the nature of who I am.

I'm not sure you can ever really finish exploring yourself. I still think about these things, and once in a while I'll learn something new about myself from a scene.

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/16/2008 4:45:03 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

Have any of you ever wondered 'why submissiveness'?

Nope

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/16/2008 5:39:16 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
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From: Kalamazoo, MI
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Acting as a submissive can be like a cocoon from the world. Your thoughts and energies are very focused on just one thing. During that time you fall under someone's guidance and protection even if it is mutually agreed that there will be pain and/or humiliation. It can be an extremely intimate experience even without sex.

Most submissives are very self reliant. This is their break from it. They make an active choice to give up being in charge for that time.

I think it is wonderful that you want to explore. I think that's one of the most fun parts of the journey; trying new experiences and finding the best fit.

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/16/2008 6:26:07 AM

subronnc

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i would like Someone to help me explore, but so far i've felt happy just helping others in a service role.

Most people can't see how service is a task and a reward all in one, and that i must be after some sort of compensation (play, sex, etc.), but not really. Of course when i say that, i'm dismissed as not being honest with them and/or myself, so i continue to go it alone.

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/16/2008 7:12:39 AM

chamberqueen

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I agree that a task can be both a service and a reward. While cleaning a toilet isn't my favorite passtime I can feel great pride in doing a good job. This was part of the exploration for me - to see how taking care of small things can still bring about appreciation and thanks. Those can be reward enough; or even if overlooked for some reason knowing that the task was done well can be reward in itself.

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/16/2008 7:50:10 AM

littleone35

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I never asked why i never even wondered. It was how i was born i never questioned because fo me it was natural. Of course as i got older i realized it was not everybody's thing. I was happy so i just kept doing what i could and wanted to do to make others happy also.

Matt's littleone

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Post #: 10

RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/16/2008 11:32:14 AM

Deliena

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From: Darlington, United Kingdom
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For me personally it's a break from being in control and having huge responsibilities in every other aspect of my life (work, my child etc.), He allows me to just "be" for a while and it's something i dearly need.

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/16/2008 2:06:18 PM

cmatrix4761

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Joined: 6/28/2005
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Thank you all -- it's nice to hear everyone's perspectives on the issue. From the guys and dolls who do explore, I agree: I don't think I'll ever stop exploring either -- a strong desire to learn (especially about myself) is just part of who I am. For those who don't, it's nice to know there are those who are so in touch with themselves that they don't need to -- so koodos to you all.
Since I've never done this outside of the confines of dating, could you all elaborate on the experience? I don't really know what to expect, or what I should expect of myself in that role.

Cheers, and thanks for all the help,
-- Allen

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/17/2008 8:05:39 AM

rookey

Posts: 100
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How I personally became to be submissive I don't know and, to be honest, don't really care to. The answer lies somewhere out in that mesh of nature meets nuture I'm sure. The answer made be enlightening, but probably not very useful.

In what way could the answer be useful? What understanding could it provide that would help you get more out of life?

The real question is why being submissive is so attractive? What's the payoff? The answer to this question could, I feel, help you to understand what it is you want to get out of a D/s or M/s relationship. To help you find the right one, if that is what you're seeking.

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/17/2008 8:23:53 AM

RealSub58

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Like littleone35, I have always accepted that I am submissive by nature.
But I did explore what type of dominant was best suited for me.
That is when I discovered that there as many types of dominant personalities as their were bananas. I hate pear bananas. I hate cooked bananas. I hate plantain bananas. So why would I want a sarcastic type of personality in a Dom, an emotional sadist type Dom and since I really do not find pleasure in inflicted pain, I certainly don't want a sadist.......

It was in these years of exploring that I narrowed down the type of dominant I could find myself with, long term. I found the right personality several times but not the type of play.

Sir found me as it seems my personality and submissiveness fit him.

Have I ever asked why am I submissive? That would be like asking why do I have hazel gray eyes that turn blue when aroused.

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Post #: 14

RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/17/2008 10:54:58 AM

leadership527

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rookey
The real question is why being submissive is so attractive? What's the payoff? The answer to this question could, I feel, help you to understand what it is you want to get out of a D/s or M/s relationship. To help you find the right one, if that is what you're seeking.

*claps*

(in reply to rookey)

Post #: 15

RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/17/2008 1:45:29 PM

rookey

Posts: 100
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: rookey
The real question is why being submissive is so attractive? What's the payoff? The answer to this question could, I feel, help you to understand what it is you want to get out of a D/s or M/s relationship. To help you find the right one, if that is what you're seeking.

*claps*

*bows*

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/17/2008 6:37:11 PM

subtex

Posts: 129
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Dallas
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I used to wonder why I was submissive. I read classic psychology texts from the library (before the web). I read what Freud and Reik had to say. One day I read a theory that sounded like it had promise and I realized that even if this was the actual reason that I was submissive there would be no way for me to recognize that it was the answer. I guess I had been thinking that I could recognize the truth when I saw it. I realized that's probably not the case so I gave up the search. I'm not even sure why I was searching. Actually I suspect that I thought if I knew the answer I could "cure" my submissiveness. Yeah it's not easy being different. Giving up the search wasn't the same as acceptance but for me it was a step.
Bill

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/17/2008 7:30:53 PM

WarriorsGirl

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I love the internal struggle that goes on inside of myself - wanting to fight and not do what I'm told because it's embarassing or uncomfortable, and actually feeling the shift inside of me as I force myself to get over it and do it. And when I've gotten through it, my insides just melt, like I'm floating inside my skin, all because I have achieved a certain state of mind...jumped past another emotional hurdle. It's mind candy for me, which is just so hot.

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/17/2008 7:40:04 PM

marieToo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WarriorsGirl

I love the internal struggle that goes on inside of myself - wanting to fight and not do what I'm told because it's embarassing or uncomfortable, and actually feeling the shift inside of me as I force myself to get over it and do it. And when I've gotten through it, my insides just melt, like I'm floating inside my skin, all because I have achieved a certain state of mind...jumped past another emotional hurdle. It's mind candy for me, which is just so hot.

What you descibed is exactly the crux of it for me as well. It's a particular emotional experience (the struggle, then accepting, and succumbing to it etc) that is brought to the surface, and I can't experience that through any other means.

As to the OP, I can't really figure out what made me this way. I've pretty much stopped wondering.

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RE: Submissiveness and exploration - 9/17/2008 7:42:28 PM

lizcgirl

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I wondered for YEARS. lol I've always been naturally submissive but it went against everything I was raised to be. I was taught to rely on no one, to never give in, and alot of other very clear cut messages from my parents. They were such a huge part of my life for so long I couldn't really seperate who I actually was from who they wanted me to be. About 2 years ago I seperated myself as much as possible from them and really started working on who I am without their influeneces. That's when I just accepted that this is how I am and this is what makes me happy. Now I just wonder more about how I can be more submissive and not why. I like it- that's good enough for me. lol

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