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The ever changing life - 11/29/2005 10:52:14 PM   
quietkitten


Posts: 1082
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Alberta, Canada
Status: offline 		It never stops amazing me how life can spin on it's edge so quickly. You are walking along happily minding your own business when something pulls the rug out from under you.

Last week my sister was planning her renewal of vows for her 25th wedding anniversary, today she is planning her divorce. She had no idea there was a problem until she checked her e-mail and found pictures of her husband groping a naked woman.
I can't understand what happened.. It seems my tiny family is going to be even smaller.
There is nothing I can do to ease her pain, or mine...


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RE: The ever changing life - 11/29/2005 11:15:15 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Betrayal is one of the worst crimes of humanity, im sorry for your sister. Sent to her email huh, so it was someone she knew..ugh.

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 12:09:07 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		You know quietkitten,
I hate betrayal..... But I think investing 25years is a lot to throw away on account of his (hopefully one instance of) bad judgement and this woman's hateful behavior. There is no way a decent human being/woman would try and cause another woman so much hurt. I would try counseling and see if the marriage can be salvaged, and give the vengeful byotch the finger.. M

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 3:05:45 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Betrayal, loss of trust.....definitely one of the most difficult things to deal with and recover from.

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 4:23:41 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I have been personally betrayed, and it took me a long time to get over it. I agree with M, though, that a 25 year relationship is worth salvaging, if it was a good one.

I have been thinking about starting a thread about forgiveness----it's something I have been pondering a lot lately.

My best to you and your family---

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 5:15:41 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

You know quietkitten,
I hate betrayal..... But I think investing 25years is a lot to throw away on account of his (hopefully one instance of) bad judgement and this woman's hateful behavior. There is no way a decent human being/woman would try and cause another woman so much hurt. I would try counseling and see if the marriage can be salvaged, and give the vengeful byotch the finger.. M


I would agree also. 25 years is alot to just walk away from. Betrayal is hard to get over, but given patience and time, it can be worked through if both parties are willing to put the effort into it.

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 5:42:05 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Lady H - I could use that thread too...

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 5:59:13 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I think we also need more information (or rather, we don't, but they do). How often did this sort of thing happen? For how long? With how many people? The fact that the husband not only TOOK pics with another woman, but kept them stored on the computer shows he's either gotten very comfortable with it over time or he's extremely brazen and confident.

There was also likely sex involved, which means physical risks of STDs.

I can agree with what the others are saying- I think it would make sense to try and work it out and see if you could get to the source of the problem and try and get that changed.

However, I don't think it's wrong to have a no tolerance policy. And it's not throwing 25 years away- it's ending a relationship that needs to come to an end so they can live the rest of their lives in respect and fulfillment of self without compromise.

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 7:13:34 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

She had no idea there was a problem until she checked her e-mail and found pictures of her husband groping a naked woman.


Maybe he's the "misunderstood", "wife won't do....", "wife is frigid", husband that seems to easily find a home here? Integrity is a beautiful thing. The coward who sent the email was not much better, but the "lie" was being lived whether is was disclosed or not. The "rug" that was pulled out from her was covering up a big hole in the floor. Better to deal with it exposed.

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 9:29:14 AM   
ToServeIsToLive


Posts: 222
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		12 years ago there was a betrayal in my family that did irrepreable damage. Even after all this time the scars are still there, but everyone involved has moved on and made the best of their lives despite it. Whatever path she chooses, I hope you and your sister can do the same.

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 11:43:49 AM   
quietkitten


Posts: 1082
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Alberta, Canada
Status: offline 		I am still reeling... As for my sis she spent the morning destroying photographs and says she feels somewhat better.
She has changed the locks on the doors and has an appointment with her lawyer this afternoon. I have strongly suggested she go to the Doctor for STD testing, only time will tell if she will.
She has printed off the offending pictures as evidence, and I am very certain she is going through with the divorce.
I have also suggested counselling, but she is still very angry and has balked at the idea.

I really don't know what to do for her other than to listen and be supportive.
Thank you all for your responses.. I don't feel so alone anymore
with love,
Jenny

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<< I am a depressed procrastinator with Alzheimers -- I am going to end it all.... tomorrow... or the next day.

Now what was I talking about again?

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 12:04:36 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I don't know where she lives, but some states provide free, confidential testing for certain std's. She may want to check with her state dept of public health.

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 12:43:03 PM   
Sartoris32801


Posts: 172
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline 		Perhaps the most famous three words uttered in literature, "Et tu, Brute

Betrayals are inevitable, a part of life, beyond our control.
We only control our response to them.

Sartoris

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 1:08:15 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

We only control our response to them.


Best served cold?

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 1:16:41 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Last week my sister was planning her renewal of vows for her 25th wedding anniversary, today she is planning her divorce. She had no idea there was a problem until she checked her e-mail and found pictures of her husband groping a naked woman.


I would'nt be planning a divorce so quickly. Not without all of the facts. Never the less he is a cheat...and I firmly believe once a cheat always a cheat.
However to be sure this never happens to her again she must get to the root of the problem. Have they considered counseling?
People tend to gravitate towards the same sorts of people all of their lives. What is to say the next one she chooses will not do the same?
Apparently their relationship had issues and communication had broken down. Perhap's there is a slight chance they can mend it?
Relationships don't fail because of one party. It takes two even if on the surface it look's as though it was only one's fault.


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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 2:10:07 PM   
Sartoris32801


Posts: 172
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline 		Revenge of course;

More delicious the pleasure with time passed, you can enjoy it fully.

I think the Lady is Sicilian

Sartoris

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Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear
And it shows them pearly white
Just a jackknife has old MacHeath, babe
And he keeps it … ah … out of sight.

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 2:20:49 PM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		quietkitten, this may ease your heart a bit. Every one whom i represented was adamant about going through with the divorce at the time i filed the petition. But people cannot remain enraged for weeks on end without provocation. The average middle class family is looking at living below the poverty line (the wife, normally) during the divorce proceedings and afterwards. The husband is looking at losing a significant portion of retirement assets; which may already have lost value below what he ever imagined could happen.

i could go on, but my point is, most people are much, much worse off after the divorce than they were together. The family home is sold, proceeds divided or used to pay the lawyer, and suddenly the wife and husband are living in small apartments, paying rent. This further aggravates their bleak future post-retirement.

Twenty five years is a long time. The husband probably wanted to get caught so he could pull away from the other woman...a relationship that once seemed so erotic and now is the bane of his existence. If the couple has kids, the husband often fears they will find out he strayed and caused the divorce, and he will lose their love and respect.

So, all is not lost. There will be a calm in the legal waters after the petition is filed and served; courts are clogged most everywhere. During that period, the lawyers will be doing some plain talking to both parties about what the divorce will cost, and they will begin to realise just how much they will be losing in security and planning and comfort by splitting up.

My advice is, just listen to your sister; let her go on and on about the betrayal. Look for moments of calm, and ask her where she plans to move to? Or what sort of job she plans to get? Etc. Nothing overtly supporting the reconciliation, but planting little seeds in her mind.

i will keep your family in my prayers.

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 11/30/2005 2:22:38 PM >

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 3:16:34 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

I think the Lady is Sicilian


No. But she has a bad cynical, sarcastic streak.

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 3:24:04 PM   
RosaB


Posts: 852
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I really don't know what to do for her other than to listen and be supportive.
Thank you all for your responses.. I don't feel so alone anymore
with love,
Jenny



----------------------------------------

Jenny,

You're doing the best thing you can, being a supportive, strong person to lean is what is most needed in your sister's life at a time like this, I'm sure. However, I wouldn't bad mouth hubby if you can help it. If this was truly the the love of her life the situation could all blow over over in time and they could be right back under the same roof once again living happily ever after. Which, personally, might not be such a bad thing, depending on the totality of the past 25 years. To throw away a life after a quarter of a centuary seems there has to be way more to this than meets the eye.

I hope all works out for everyone involved.


Rosa

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RE: The ever changing life - 11/30/2005 4:17:37 PM   
quietkitten


Posts: 1082
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Alberta, Canada
Status: offline 		Thank you so much candy stripper... I know that the first bit of time after an indiscretion is highly emotional and things may change.

Dear Rosa,
You are correct. I am afraid there is much more to this than meets the eye. There are so many factors it is impossible to even start listing them.
I have not said anything negative or positive about him.. just have made some suggestions regarding her rights and her safety. This afternoon she did make an appointment to see a Doctor for a complete physical and STD tests.

I know that things will get better eventually. Thanks for the support everyone.

_____________________________

The number 1 cause of stress is reality.

I miss my old Avatar :(

<< I am a depressed procrastinator with Alzheimers -- I am going to end it all.... tomorrow... or the next day.

Now what was I talking about again?

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 20
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