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marieToo -> RE: Crossing the Line of Harm (9/18/2008 6:16:33 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: catize
quote:
To me that opens up the door for a female that doesn't want to do something to have a way out. I am the Master and the desisions are mine to make..either for the good or bad. I will take her input but i have the final say. I guess that's kinda what your saying but it seems a little new age. If that's how you are then that's fine for you. I'll keep huffing and puffing i guess [:D]
If you are not willing to consider that a submissive is self aware enough to know what would harm them, you run the risk of causing yourself damage because the relationship might be placed in jeopardy.
This is a good point, not only about giving the submissive credit for knowing what might harm her, but even just giving her credit to know what she is feeling, what she can handle, what she can't handle. etc.
I've been in situations with Dominants who insisted I could handle something or I was ready for something even though I didn't think I was. I have to say sometimes they have been correct and I was not only able to deal with it, but was fulfilled afterwards and proud of myself for going through with it.
On the other hand the most frustrating thing is when I adamantly tell a Dom what my state of mind is and he will insist despite my telling him, that I feel something different than what I'm saying I feel. This gets old after a while, because as you stated, you have to give the submissive enough credit for having a decent level of self-awareness. This is where I think it becomes so hard for Dominants to be Dominants. It's sometimes a delicate line and not always easy to know when and where to cross it, when it will turn out ok and when it might backfire and do damage. When should a Dom yield to a submissive because he gives her credit for being self-aware? And when should he over-rule her own word? It's a tough row to hoe, I'm sure. In that type of a situation, as I think mad rabbit was saying, even if you don't mean to do harm, sometimes harm does indeed take place simply because of a poor judgement call. It's a fact of life and an ever-present risk that both partners take for the fulfillment of having a Ds dynamic.
And in other cases, as PhoenixRising and Soft-hearted were saying where there is wrong doing, we can only take responsibility for our own part in the demise, or our own part in not being perceptive enough at the time to see through it. But we certainly can't suck up the responsibility for a partner who may have been disingenuous or dishonest about his/her intentions.
I think if I end up 'harmed' in some way, and it stemmed accidentally from a really intense relationship, it might even be worth bearing a lifetime scar for it. But being hurt or harmed because I wasn't sharp enough to see through someone's bullshit is really a waste of pain.
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