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Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 9:22:29 PM   
GothicKisses


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline 		I'm not sure where to even post.... so this looks like a decent place...


I normally look around a bit, meet people, blah blah blah. This time I figure I'll just get right to the question asking. I am at the end of a 7 year marriage and a 6 month polyamorous relationship. I love them both dearly but we realize that things will be better not married... anyway.

We have been doing a lot of talking and one of the things we have discovered is that I'm much more dominant than I let on. Well, wait, it is obvious that I am but at home I'm not so much.

Is it odd that:

1. I want to dominate women but I want to be dominated by a man? It would have to be a really strong dom because I'm a very sassy sub and so strong willed that I easily trample people and then it kind of kills the dom in the other (hehe).
2. Ever since I was a child I had fantasies of being enslaved. Humiliation is a HUGE one for me. The idea of 24/7 is exactly what I have always dreamed of but I don't think I could do it.

I jsut can't figure out how the two things; my dominant personality and the desire to be enslaved go together and how they live harmoniously within me. It is causing a lot of turmoil and I have NO idea how to handle it. THIS is my biggest frustration and what has caused constant confusion within me. I've never told anyone this before....
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 9:32:30 PM   
LadyLupineNYC


Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		Thank you for sharing this.  I could go on and on about how I feel about this, but I think what is key is for you to know that, no, there is nothing strange, off, or odd about this.  For me, I love my strong and devoted slave, but also love the attention and affections of dominant ‘vanilla’ men, ones for whom the sex is like two lions fighting…not quite the same, but the duality is there.  I would never personally submit to such men, but I love the thrill of finding someone just as forward and aggressive as I.  I hope that this is of some small help… 



_____________________________

Facta, non verba gratia placenti

"I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence..."


(in reply to GothicKisses)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 9:32:43 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		What you describe is pretty common in switches.  I am generally a more assertive person in everyday life and can easily enjoy dominating someone.  I am also heavily drawn to submission and deep slavery.  I am a switch in the generally traditional labeling.  I don't see it as a battle, just a natural duality. 

I do agree that it takes a very strong dominant to be able to handle me properly.  It is not at all that I want to usurp the power structure, but rather my natural tendency to latch on and control areas of weakness in others, especially if it is a talent or area of interest of mine.  It also takes someone very much desiring to submit in order for me to take up a dominant position.

I hope this is helpful.  Message me if you would like to discuss it further.  And this comes with the necessary disclaimer to the boards posters..... This was not an attempt to define anyone's label for them.  It is also written based solely on my own experiences.

lovingpet

edited because I didn't know my computer did that thing it just did......

< Message edited by lovingpet -- 9/18/2008 9:34:20 PM >

(in reply to GothicKisses)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 9:39:29 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Stop equating personality to orientation.  Stop equating strength to dominance.  Stop equating submission with repression.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to lovingpet)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 9:40:13 PM   
monywildcat


Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline 		Also speaking from my own experiences, no this is not unusual at all.  I feel pretty much the same way.  I just naturally take on the dominant role when with another woman, but this has never happened when I am with a male partner.  Just like breathing. 

But, huh, I never thought of myself as a "switch".  But then, I am not one for labels.  I even rip them out of my shirts. 

_____________________________

Major Life Change Necessitates Personal Reinvention...

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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 9:40:32 PM   
GothicKisses


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

It is not at all that I want to usurp the power structure, but rather my natural tendency to latch on and control areas of weakness in others, especially if it is a talent or area of interest of mine. 


YES!! It just happens! I can try and stop it but... nope.

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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 9:42:28 PM   
GothicKisses


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Stop equating personality to orientation.  Stop equating strength to dominance.  Stop equating submission with repression.


The first 2 I have to think about. I don't equate submission to repression. HOWEVER, at this point in life I can say that that is what I have made my submission... it is repression because I haven't had anyone to submit to where it wasn't repression. Make sense?

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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 9:42:53 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GothicKisses
1. I want to dominate women but I want to be dominated by a man? It would have to be a really strong dom because I'm a very sassy sub and so strong willed that I easily trample people and then it kind of kills the dom in the other (hehe).


Submission is inspired, not forced out of you. If you are so strong willed that you easily trample people...that is not dominating, that is overbearing and pushy.

Beyond that, you might be interested to know that there really is no correlation between personality and orientation.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to GothicKisses)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 9:46:44 PM   
GothicKisses


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
If you are so strong willed that you easily trample people...that is not dominating, that is overbearing and pushy.

Beyond that, you might be interested to know that there really is no correlation between personality and orientation.


Trample was a poor word choice. Sorry.

Personality equalling orientation....This I am learning (and kind of relieved to hear... because it seems to be a conflict in my own mind...)

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 9:54:12 PM   
bluefireroses


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline 		I have experienced this battle from time to time as well. The position that I was put into early in life forced me to take control and it is a lot easier for me to carry this into my relationships as well. However, when I am acting as what I would say is dominant to others I don't feel quite the same way as when I am submissive.

Dominance and submission don't exist seperately, but live on a sliding scale. Depending on the people you're with, and the situation you're in you may feel more one way or another.

The way I have come to neutralize it in my mind is to embrace how I feel at that given moment. Mostly it is recognizing it with some humor and deciding which is the best solution for that given situation.

These views may not be shared by all, but finding what works for you and the O/ones you are with is the most important.

(in reply to GothicKisses)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 9:55:25 PM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		The last girl I was dating in the real time was a switch with a very similar mindset as yours.   She loved the fact that she could not DOM my ass or get the upper hand on me.  For the most part she's pretty Dominant with most people around her, she loves to DOM women and men both.   However she does not respect the men she can DOM for a long lasting relationship.

Anyways, I've done the DOM power couple thing before and the dynamics were wonder with amazing chemistry.  LadyLupineNYC already made an amazing post about this.   It's something you might consider, to get involved with in a DOM couple relationship.  Since you are obviously poly you might have a female sub of your own, or a shared one or whatever else works.

Some of us DOM men, enjoy and love the fluid energy of head to head Dom play.  It really can be amazing.   Many people are so stuck on their own labels that they have D/s shoved up their ass too much.   But you should be able to find either a DOM you can submit to, or find one for a DOM couple relationship.  :-)

You are not going crazy. 

(in reply to GothicKisses)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 10:01:23 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		See my problem tends to be that I don't respect someone who feels they need me to "prove" my dominance in order to respect me as a dom.

What's the difference between someone going "They aren't dominant enough for me" and "I can't submit the way that works for them"?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 10:22:25 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: monywildcat

Also speaking from my own experiences, no this is not unusual at all.  I feel pretty much the same way.  I just naturally take on the dominant role when with another woman, but this has never happened when I am with a male partner.  Just like breathing. 

But, huh, I never thought of myself as a "switch".  But then, I am not one for labels.  I even rip them out of my shirts. 


I tend to not care much for labels either, but it seems kind of what the OP is in need of.  To be able to name it.  Identify what it is that is going on within that one mind.  Is this going to equate to a final decision on the OP's part that the label of switch fits?  Only that person can decide.  It is a suggestion based on how I experience my own switch tendancies and nothing more.  I am actually far more concerned with the chemistry of my interaction than the name I put on it or that others do.

lovingpet

(in reply to monywildcat)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 10:30:21 PM   
GothicKisses


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline 		Good point lovingpet.

I think talking through the mush in my head and writing it all down will make things clearer to me. I HATE labels. So, I'm not sure why in this case I'm making it difffernt.

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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 10:35:25 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		You make them different because they serve different functions and address specific needs within you.  They are, in fact, different, but they are also part of a whole.  Writing through it, asking questions, and finding people that seem to help bring clarity to your mind will go a long way during this process. 

lovingpet

(in reply to GothicKisses)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 10:37:25 PM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Stop equating personality to orientation. 
Stop equating strength to dominance. 
Stop equating submission with repression.


I think this trips a lot of people up at times.  Personality vs. Orientation.  Some people can't wrap their minds around a submissive have a Dominant personality or a laid back Dominant.  This tends to fuck with their stereotypical views a little.

The other points you made, I tend to agree with as well.  People tend to mix up these things and end up getting lost and confused in the process.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 10:43:26 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		You know, you don't have to pick one or the other.

Your preferences can change from moment to moment. I can be submissive, a pile of putty in his hands, to tearing her apart in the next second. I call myself a switch, to avoid confusing other folks, but it's really me doing whatever the hell comes naturally.

Don't ever try to force something.. you'll just end up hurting yourself.  :P

_____________________________

HBIC



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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 10:49:06 PM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

See my problem tends to be that I don't respect someone who feels they need me to "prove" my dominance in order to respect me as a dom.

What's the difference between someone going "They aren't dominant enough for me" and "I can't submit the way that works for them"?


I look for how well they respect me as a human being who happens to be a DOM.  If I find a great lack of basic human respect on their end.  Cold day in hell before I even think about wanting to have any relationship with them, let alone a D/s relationship.    What I'm amazed by at times, is why the hell is it, when I refuse to prove myself and give them a cold shoulder that they change their attitude and try a different angle with me, as if that's going to work after the fact.   Some women think their tits and ass have amazing powers to seduce and control men in general.  I hate to sound sexist here, but from a Male Dom perspective this shit is a frequent reoccuring issue when dealing with the opposite sex.   I don't care all the offers for sex after I've been disrepected or treated less the human really don't impress me.  I find myself wanting to tell them to go move on and find some other guy (sucker) that will put up with their mindless bullshit.

I have had women test me, without me realizing that they were testing me.  I seem to be a little blind to the testing game at times.   Nice to know when somebody confesses that to you after the fact.   I'm ok with having somebody test me, as long as they are respectful in the process and it's not a big ordeal or production.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Constant battle... - 9/18/2008 11:37:59 PM   
brokenmind


Posts: 85
Joined: 9/13/2008
Status: offline 		Gothic,  

You aren’t experiencing anything new… it is just new to you. There is no one sure fire buy my book for 5 payments of 99.95 and it will all be better way. There is, however, an approach I can offer. It revolves around values— So you will have to work through it with me—kinda—sorta— So let us define some values… you can do this on your own, you don’t really need me it is just the mention I miss… So analyze this and search hard.  

What do you value in a submissive role? Think about the day to day relationship also as a partnership. Work, home, play, sex, social, all these things need an attached value.What is beyond your limits or realm of reason? Comes down to your limits, not just lifestyle limits. Are you in a partnership where you are submissive to your respective D and yet in a relationship of deferment?

What do you value in your dominant role? Again look at the day to day relationship. Not the relationship with your sub/slave/pet/toy but with this dominant partner. Is your authority being supported or undermined? Assess a value to it. What do you value in the sub/slave/pet/toy? Define the structure and dynamics of the relationship for you and the respective D. As a switch you know that many people just don’t mesh or click, bearing that in mind is the sub good for you and the D?

What do you value in commitment? Part time, full time, anytime? You may go through a dozen D’s and dozen s’s before you find your groove. Ultimately what you attract and where you look is going to be largely based on the commitment level you need or offer.      

I think that should get you fired up. Before I leave I want to make a point on pride. Pride, shame and humiliation are intricately linked together like a set of scales. If there is no pride then their cannot exist shame and visa versa. Again I am going to ask you to assess the value of your pride and the pride you would like your partner and subordinates to possess. Think of how your pride effects your day to day and how someone’s lack of pride would effect your day to day.


{Edited because it was a big fuduckered mess}


< Message edited by brokenmind -- 9/18/2008 11:39:47 PM >

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
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