How to move forward?

How to move forward? (Full Version)

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allthatjaz -> How to move forward? (9/20/2008 4:37:39 AM)
How do I regain my trust? I lived with a man for four years that I initially believed to be dominant. In that time he bullied, belittled and teased me about my submission. Before anyone says 'you should of been strong enough to walk away', all I can say is, I wasn't..... until 8 months ago when I showed him the door. I now find myself over suspicious of dominant men. I feel embarrassed and almost silly to show my submission and fear it will put them off me. I know he's conditioned me to feel this way but I don't know how to move forward.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 4:56:31 AM)
He was not a Dominant man. He was an abuser. Know that and do not choose another abuser. Its really all about your decisions. What do you think is dominant? How would you feel if a Dominant was soft spoken and nice to you? Also, at this point, I would not choose anyone who is into humiliation. That would stir up old stuff. I would also think about seeing a therapist to help you through building up your self esteem. Also to figure out if this is an ongoing pattern. Was this person similar to anyone in your family? Have you had boyfriends like this before? Did it give you that "at home" feeling? If you always do what you have always done, you'll always get, what you've always got. A Dominant is not a caricature. He is not mean or out of control and he doesn't do anything to you that hasn't been negotiated or that you don't want. A real Master has himself mastered. perhaps you can get mentored in real time. Look for people in the lifestyle. Join a dungeon club, go to munches. Find out someone's reputation before you jump in again.

RapierFugue -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 5:08:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: allthatjaz How do I regain my trust? I lived with a man for four years that I initially believed to be dominant. In that time he bullied, belittled and teased me about my submission. Before anyone says 'you should of been strong enough to walk away', all I can say is, I wasn't..... until 8 months ago when I showed him the door. I now find myself over suspicious of dominant men. I feel embarrassed and almost silly to show my submission and fear it will put them off me. I know he's conditioned me to feel this way but I don't know how to move forward. It’ll take a) time and b) a decent, experienced and patient Dominant. You’ll know when the time is right, and your instincts will tell you if the person is right. In the meantime, get out, have fun, enjoy life, and do the things that make YOU happy as a person. Everyone makes mistakes. You made a poor choice – we all make them from time to time. So long as we learn the lessons, we grow as people.

SimplyMichael -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 6:55:34 AM)
Trust is something that SHOULD be slowly given as someone's actions show over time they warrant that trust. Anyone who falls back on "don't you trust me?" after a few months is probably full of crap . As for getting over it, you need to do the same thing for yourself. Start making good decisions so you can once again learn to trust your own judgement. Time and experience are the only healers of that wound. As for staying with someone who made you feel insecure, you need to realize you deserve better treatment and if they won't step up, you have to know that you deserve better and leave. Heal that and all else will fall into place for you.

persephonee -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 7:03:09 AM)
~FR~ Not to freak you out or anything...but until you dont get that tightening up inside when youre dealing the type of person youre attracted to...youre pretty much benched. 4yrs is a long time to be mistreated and respond to it...it could take you a long time to recover. i decided not to give myself any pressure at all until such a time as my throat stopped closing up painfully...before i even started looking for anything other than casual sex...and it took me literally 4yrs to graduate just to casual sex. Now i have a really full friendship palette and am feeling stronger about moving into a serious relationship...who knows how my throat will react to the next person i decide to really let in...im determined to find out... Meanwhile, i refused to give myself a hard time over the way i was feeling. i felt that way for a reason and i accepted the lonely time as a learning time. peace and love...it will come to you.

sunshinedreams -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 7:39:08 AM)
I've learned through my experience, that the observations of friends as to the nature of the person I am with, are usually pretty accurate. If only one person thinks someone is an asshole, I let it slide, but if most people think that, they may have a point. I have gotten so wrapped up in the relationship that I could'nt even see how things really were. I have to agree with persophonee, until that feeling, that initial rush eases, it's hard to get your bearings and make rational choices.

allthatjaz -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 8:08:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 He was not a Dominant man. He was an abuser. Know that and do not choose another abuser. Its really all about your decisions. What do you think is dominant? How would you feel if a Dominant was soft spoken and nice to you? Also, at this point, I would not choose anyone who is into humiliation. That would stir up old stuff. I would also think about seeing a therapist to help you through building up your self esteem. Also to figure out if this is an ongoing pattern. Was this person similar to anyone in your family? Have you had boyfriends like this before? Did it give you that "at home" feeling? If you always do what you have always done, you'll always get, what you've always got. A Dominant is not a caricature. He is not mean or out of control and he doesn't do anything to you that hasn't been negotiated or that you don't want. A real Master has himself mastered. perhaps you can get mentored in real time. Look for people in the lifestyle. Join a dungeon club, go to munches. Find out someone's reputation before you jump in again. The truth of it is, he is big on the London scene. He is admired and believed for being a true Master. He did start off by dominating me but that became less and less with him eventually telling me that 'actually Im not really into this at all and most men aren't. They just do this for a kinky shag' Unfortunately at this late stage he still had my head. I am very much out on the scene, a regular at clubs, munches and parties and I know plenty of nice people. Perhaps I do need therapy!!

sublizzie -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 8:16:19 AM)
Therapy can be very helpful. Mine helped me get out of an abusive 26 year marriage. I still needed 5 years away from it before I was truly ready for a new relationship. When I left my ex I went to a divorce class that said a person needed to be without any significant relationship by a 1:5 ratio. So, being in a 4 year relationship, you'd need almost a year without a relationship to recover. In my case it turned out they were right, drat them! But taking time away from any relationships and allowing yourself the time to heal would probably help a lot.

RealSub58 -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 8:29:18 AM)
Trust is alot like self esteem. He probably ripped alot of self trust and self esteem out of you without you realizing it and when that happened to me, I did have therapy. I still see a therapist. Years ago in counseling I was told it takes twice as long to rebuild the self trust and self esteem that was blown out from under you. I have found that truth to be true. Your true friends are people who you need right now. A sensitive therapist is gonna help, but I had to shop for mine.... not all therapists are the same. It's a fine edge between empathy, telling you the truth and helping you grow forward. good luck.

allthatjaz -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 8:31:31 AM)
Thank you for all your thoughtful replies. . Rapier you are right. All that has been is just experience. Good or bad we need to learn from that. Michael... I will be taking things slowly. Persophonee and Sunshinedreams... I found what you said about that tightening feeling made a whole lot of sense. It's exactly that feeling that pulls you for possibly all the wrong reasons. Sublizzie you touched my heart with your words... thank you xxx

allthatjaz -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 8:42:08 AM)
My friends have been great Realsub, they lift my self esteem and flatter me with subtle compliments. I think this was very much a 'treat her mean keep her keen' sort of relationship and I know exactly why I was so bowled over at the time. I can get my head round why he was able to manipulate me all that time and why I eventually woke up one morning and thought 'right Ill be off'. I also know that I don't want such a relationship again. I was strong enough to walk away from that one and Im not about to do an 'out of the frying pan into the fire' act! What get's to me is 'reality' is this real? do men really want to dominate women? Does a man genuinely want to dominate me? once I submit will he look at me with sympathy? and all that...

MASTERLIX -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 8:55:01 AM)
It is not true that most men are into it as a kink. But it also depends on individuals. For instance, I trained under a Mistress before becoming a Master. I did this because I was informed that I needed to train as a submissive first, so that I can understand and relate to the mindset of submissives before becoming a Dom. I was already dominant in the real world before taking this path. But I will tell you that after my training, I fully now new how to naturally dominate a sub/slave without barking orders. It also helped me to relate to them and nurture them...respect them...mold them...and bring confidence to them that is generally void of the outside world expectations or shortcomings. So, I don't believe that most men just do this as a kink. No. But there are some men that do this as a kink because they feel that that is what the vulnerable submissives want. I would tell you that for some weird reason, most submissives would go for that before they go for the true Doms. Now, I am not trying to say that every Dom needs to train as a submissive before becoming a Dom. Not at all. But some people would consider that as OLD GUARD. Well, maybe. There are many fake Doms out there...God bless the true subs/slaves, because there are many fake subs too. My advice to you is that you should treat each individuals as they come. Before you get involved with another Dom, try mentoring, then try guidance, then maybe try protection. These progressions will help you tremendously. That will then let you identify a Dom that will fit you. But also having a mentor or in guidance, it will enable that Dom help you with your finding a Dom, because they would scrutinize them. Every Dom and sub relationship has to always be a fit. Sir Lix

tsatske -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 9:14:03 AM)
If you decide to get therapy, be prepared to go 'through' a lot of theripists, discarding a lot. I have a talk with new theripists - no later than the first meet, sometimes even on the phone before that, where I say, there are some things you need to know about me. I am here to work on many things, but my religion and my sexual prefrence I am not interested in changing. They are THIS. If you have a problem with that, that's okay, we are just not a good match.' My initial response was, perhaps he IS a fine Master, but the two of you did not just click in a way that made that work for him. We are all many people - who we are, who we are when we are with somone in particular, can be different things. Always search for somone that fits the whole bill - I like you. I like me. I like who I become when I am with you. I like who you are when you are with me. But I changed my mind when He told you - I'm not really into all of that - most men aren't. He was trying to change the agreement on you, while insuring that he got to keep you, by telling you, you couldn't do any better anyhow. That is not true. Know that we ALL have baggage. I have an exMaster - ten YEARS ago - who used to tell me, often, how ugly I was when he could see that I was turned on. He prefered his subs demure and calm and collected. That can be a hot when played right - but 'God, get away from me! Do you know how UGLY that is!' right in the middle of sex - that would NOT be the hot way to lay it. It still have trouble letting Master see how much He turns me on every minute of every day. But He knows he does, and he clearly enjoys it. Take some time to come to know your own worth. Do not compromise. The wrong ones will make you feel you are not even compromising - that your most important demands are unreasonable and unreachable and can not even be understood. Because the most important demands are never - I like a switch more than a paddle, i like a big cock, i like oral, i like corner time, ect. The real stuff is harder to express, deeper - but the right one will click with you in such a way that He understands. I trust Master so much. I can hardly express the trust that exists. Yet, 90% of the time, when I have an issue, when I look at it later, it comes down to learning a new piece of trust. Trust is an always growing thing. When you find someone, there will be a lot of comprimises - but take your time, don't ever settle, find the right fit, and allow it to grow slowly. GL

feefeetrixie -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 10:22:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: allthatjaz My friends have been great Realsub, they lift my self esteem and flatter me with subtle compliments. I think this was very much a 'treat her mean keep her keen' sort of relationship and I know exactly why I was so bowled over at the time. I can get my head round why he was able to manipulate me all that time and why I eventually woke up one morning and thought 'right Ill be off'. I also know that I don't want such a relationship again. I was strong enough to walk away from that one and Im not about to do an 'out of the frying pan into the fire' act! What get's to me is 'reality' is this real? do men really want to dominate women? Does a man genuinely want to dominate me? once I submit will he look at me with sympathy? and all that...

feefeetrixie -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 10:29:38 AM)
I consider it an honour to be a personal friend of allthatjaz and I have watched over the last couple of years her sparkle being extinguished, her self confidence being shaken and I know that she didnt deserve such mental cruelty. But I know that she will get over this and I know she will move on and find the Dominant Man who will take her to the places she wants and needs to be. She is still a strong character (even though its hidden at the moment) and I will continue to support her.

corsetgirl -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 10:45:13 AM)
Everybody has good advice. To the OP, I am so sorry that you went through being emotionally and mentally abused by your ex-dom. I have been in that situation before. When you make a choice of getting a therapist, perhaps you can find one in your area who is kink friendly and understands the lifestyle who can help you get back your confidence. This would also be a good opportunity to see if you have a pattern of finding men who are not compatible or not available to you and how you can break this habit. Another advice that was given to me is that in order to find the right type of dominant, a sub has to know herself well. It is hard being on my own but this has been one of the valuable lessons that I have learned along the way. Keep in mind, this is not your fault for kicking this "dumbinant" to the curb because he was not worth your submission. I wish you well and hope you can have some doors opened to you in the future.

hisgirl2011 -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 10:56:56 AM)
I absolutely love what you say in your post because it hits so close to home for me in many ways, especially the part about how trust is something that's always growing. I also know what you mean about being turned and having trouble letting Master know i am, even though i'm sure he realizes it. For me there is nothing hotter than being in the presence of Master and being ready to serve him. Life is so ever changing as are relationships but if we work on being there and being, most of all, patient then our relationships grow in so many wonderful ways and bring us to new heights we never even knew existed. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship that is building in so many fantastic ways; lucky you!!! Have fun and keep writing!

hisgirl2011 -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 12:22:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 He was not a Dominant man. He was an abuser. Know that and do not choose another abuser. Its really all about your decisions. What do you think is dominant? How would you feel if a Dominant was soft spoken and nice to you? Also, at this point, I would not choose anyone who is into humiliation. That would stir up old stuff. I would also think about seeing a therapist to help you through building up your self esteem. Also to figure out if this is an ongoing pattern. Was this person similar to anyone in your family? Have you had boyfriends like this before? Did it give you that "at home" feeling? If you always do what you have always done, you'll always get, what you've always got. A Dominant is not a caricature. He is not mean or out of control and he doesn't do anything to you that hasn't been negotiated or that you don't want. A real Master has himself mastered. perhaps you can get mentored in real time. Look for people in the lifestyle. Join a dungeon club, go to munches. Find out someone's reputation before you jump in again. I think what you're saying makes a lot of sense and is sage advice for all.

MistressDolly -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 12:27:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: allthatjaz How do I regain my trust? I lived with a man for four years that I initially believed to be dominant. In that time he bullied, belittled and teased me about my submission. Before anyone says 'you should of been strong enough to walk away', all I can say is, I wasn't..... until 8 months ago when I showed him the door. I now find myself over suspicious of dominant men. I feel embarrassed and almost silly to show my submission and fear it will put them off me. I know he's conditioned me to feel this way but I don't know how to move forward. "After a heavy snowfall the more rigid branches  of the pine break under the weight of the snow,   but the more supple willow branches bend,  thus allowing the snow to fall to the ground.", i.e., Be open and receptive. But be highly discriminating. Maintain the highest level of self-respect. And most of all, cherish yourself. You will attract outward what you feel inward.

charlie63 -> RE: How to move forward? (9/20/2008 3:57:40 PM)
I echo all those who have suggested counseling. Sometimes it is just so helpful to talk things out in front of an objective ear. Mine has been a godsend - she is honest and straightforward, never hesitating to call me on my codependent behavior, and she never fails to tell me all the good things about me. She reminds me of how far I've come, she points out my achievements, she totally builds me up. I have a feeling that a counselor like that would work wonders for you. I suspect you are a strong, caring, nuturing, wonderful person who has self-doubts and was unlucky enough to end up with someone who knew just how to exploit that one weakness. I say that because your story resonates with me - my ex-husband was well regarded and well liked by everyone around us. Charming, caring man. With everyone else. Not with me. We were vanilla, but the concept is the same. So, as to trusting again. It's difficult. But it's not so much about trusting another man, but very much about learning to trust yourself. And how I've managed to do that is to remind myself everyday of the good things about me and to refuse to beat myself up for not being perfect. It's a concious effort. It's so much easier to believe the negative! Hang in there, and, remember, when other people do mean things to you it is rarely about you and almost always about their own insecurities. lusciouslips said "A real Master has himself mastered". She is so right. The Dom I am with is strong, says what he means, and means what he says. He will discipline me when necessary, remind of my place when needed, but he never yells at me or degrades me or puts me down. He is the calmest, most tender, most amazingly self-controlled man I've ever known. I didn't know men like him existed, because, until I got done believing I didn't deserve very much, and realized that my nurturing, loving nature is a gift that deserves to be cherished. And he does cherish me. I wish you all the best as you put this negative period in your life behind you and move forward into a much better future.

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