a submissive or not (Full Version)

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findngslf -> a submissive or not (9/20/2008 1:22:04 PM)

Does a submissive have to have a strong urge to serve, please and obey to be a submissive?   EX.   If a person  thrives or finds themselves more focused or grow more within the structures of a d relatuionship are they a submissive?  If on one hand person seeks/desires the goal setting rules limits  boundaries structure discipline and  guidance that d relationship brings but the person has no strong need to serve/please but instead sees their submission  as their part in giving back in relationship.  As a consequence the person  doesnt always feel  the same compulsion to follow orders given?



CalifChick -> RE: a submissive or not (9/20/2008 1:29:04 PM)

I had to read this several times to understand what you're saying.  Well, scratch that, I'm having a hard time understanding.  Why would you seek a rule-bound relationship if you didn't want a rule-bound relationship?  I'm not seeing a motivation for obedience if acting in a submissive manner is what you're "giving" to the relationship.  Hence your lack of compulsion to be obedient.

I'm thinking it would be like someone saying to me, "I don't love you, but I'll act like I love you, because that's what I'm giving to the relationship."  But because they don't really love me, they will only act like they love me when the mood strikes them or when they remember to.  Blehh.  No thanks.


Cali




masterforRT -> RE: a submissive or not (9/20/2008 1:31:15 PM)

If I understand what you are asking, does a submissive have to submit all the time? My answer would be no. See, I believe in the concept of streaks. A person can (still) be a submissive, yet have a dominant streak-where they would want to not submit or actually want to Dom occasionally. This belief also explains away switches (who I believe do not exist).

Try this tomorrow...when you first get up, think of D/s. If the first thing you think of is submission, then you are a submissive.  Pretty simple, eh?

Good luck to you...



DesFIP -> RE: a submissive or not (9/20/2008 2:22:48 PM)

Not all submissives are into service. Not all are into instant obedience no matter what. Neither are all dominants, for that matter.

For some, service is what it's about.
Others get off on obedience.
Some of us are into emotional transparency.

I'm his submissive because I like making him happy. Not because I get wet doing laundry or vacuuming. Not because I squirm if he tells me to stand on one foot and sing I'm a little teapot. I need to be known fully, to my core, and accepted fully, and I am totally interested in him and his interests.

Caveat; I made sure of knowing his interests before I submitted, I needed someone with a high degree of compatibility.



beargonewild -> RE: a submissive or not (9/20/2008 2:47:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: findngslf

Does a submissive have to have a strong urge to serve, please and obey to be a submissive?   EX.   If a person  thrives or finds themselves more focused or grow more within the structures of a d relationship are they a submissive?  If on one hand person seeks/desires the goal setting rules limits  boundaries structure discipline and  guidance that d relationship brings but the person has no strong need to serve/please but instead sees their submission  as their part in giving back in relationship.  As a consequence the person  doesn't always feel  the same compulsion to follow orders given?


I can only speak for myself in this. A large part of me is driven to please a dominant who is compatible with me. To a large extent I do thrive under the guidance of a dominant though this is not 100% so. I still retain a measure of Independence in thought and actions which I see this tempering the urge to submit to a dominant person. When there is a good level of compatibility between myself and my dominant partner, we both grew into the relationship and the relationship also grows. Granted I do not blindly follow all orders. Thus when I do object and when my partner is able to offer a logical reason to outweigh my reasons then I will concede. 



findngslf -> RE: a submissive or not (9/20/2008 2:49:26 PM)

I know have hard time expressing my ideas into clear precise pointsat times .  I have been in a 50s type relationship for several years.  So I am  perfectly fine with used to partner having final say in all decisions.  Some of the decisions he makes totally on his own.  The problem is trying to decide if  to take relationship to next level ds wise.  I have figured out play wise definitelly submissive.  Been exploring it online for about a year and had for few months online dom/mentor relationship.  I have found out like the rules, discipline and guidance.   I have found that it focused me and expanded my limits more.  Noticed was more focused disciplined and grew more in those few months then have in past few years.  I like the setting of tasks and goals to do the guidance discipline rules boundaries and like sometimes doing things just to please partner.  I have always done some things just becauser asked, and can be nice to do thing because please him  and following little orders lately have become easier and just do without questioning motives..   But I dont feel like i have a need to serve.   And maybe my questions are mainly  because novice without any real full blown experience into submission and uncertainity oflimits and  how to proceed.



chamberqueen -> RE: a submissive or not (9/20/2008 2:51:28 PM)

There is no one right motivation to serve.  If you do it because you want to make the relationship thrive it is just as valid a reason as one doing it because they crave to.  What you really need to ask yourself is are you getting the fulfillment that you desire?  And is your partner?  If the answer is yes, then hurray for both of you!



trisket -> RE: a submissive or not (9/20/2008 4:55:00 PM)

If what a person likes about the d/s realtionship is the structure, the dynamic that one person is the head of household and the other is more the following member for the sake of dwelling in harmony.. but submission isnt really wanted .. but just offered as obligation, then I am thinking... why not just have a structured household and leave it at that?  There are many vanilla households that have structure, strict rules for the family members and maintain a good harmonious balance because everyone in the house has their place.  No D/s required there. 



findngslf -> RE: a submissive or not (9/20/2008 5:11:08 PM)

Its not like that been exploring it for while reading and a  little online.  My  partner is willing to try taking our relationship and  ds to  the next level and a  possible 24/7relationship  if  i think i am  submissive.  So, ideally it would be best if i knew if i was submissive before we  try it on a serious level, because once he decides i have to abide by his decision.    He has final control/ say of all household and relationship decisions including me so if try it then he has total say of whether am  24/7 submissive .  Rarely say no once he makes final hard decisions.



Hekatonkheires -> RE: a submissive or not (9/20/2008 6:25:25 PM)

Are you asking if, once the choice is made, are you obliged to feel a strong need to serve/please? Or are you asking, are you obliged to serve/please - period. You say 'feel' twice. Compulsion. 'Have to.'
 
Your answer lies in your motivation to even consider service. Perhaps, consider whether you will want to serve, more days than not. Everyone's entitled to bad days, but if you tend to avoid the accepted obligation on a regular basis... it won't seem so much a bond, as a burden. I wouldn't call that submission.



WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: a submissive or not (9/20/2008 10:16:27 PM)

Motivations for one having a D/s relationship vary from person to person.  Also, the reasons why somebody is submissive vary as well.  Same is said with those on the opposite side of the coin.

D/s and submission and being Dominant are generalized concepts.  There's a lot of spice and variety in these areas.

You don't have to have a submissive personality to be a submissive in a D/s relationship.  Some people get personality and other things confused with orientations in a D/s relationship.

The Questions you have to ask, inorder to be submissive in a D/s relationship what charactistics or qualities will you need or desire in a Dominant partner.   Best to find somebody you are compatiable with, and have similar mindset with.   BDSM relationships are still a relationship.  Hope this makes sense to you.



leakylee -> RE: a submissive or not (9/21/2008 4:35:10 AM)

ok i read this a few times. what i am gathering out of it is maybe a question of control versus service based motivations. i mean i know submissives who are more control based, happily obey thier rules, boundaries and protocols all day, but are about as enthused at service type tasks, as a condemned prisoner is to see his last meal. then there are masochists who pretty much thrive on being beaten silly half the time, and only comply with the rest when they are to sore to care. some service based baulk at control. they would look at you like you were insane suggesting that they needed it.

are any of them less submissive than the other? who knows. by thier definition and for thier dynamics, it works. like most have said, if it isnt a balance for you. then dont do it. relationships are hard enough. neither side should have to jump that many hurdles and hoops to accomadate the other.

my opinion
smooches
lee



DarkSteven -> RE: a submissive or not (9/21/2008 5:14:53 AM)

I think I've got it.

OP has been living a somewhat submissive relationship and is looking at kicking it up a notch.  Part of her wants that and part of her is concerned that she may not be submissive enough for it.

OP, just try it for a weekend or week on a trial basis and then compare notes with him..



IronBear -> RE: a submissive or not (9/21/2008 5:20:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: findngslf

Does a submissive have to have a strong urge to serve, please and obey to be a submissive?   EX.   If a person  thrives or finds themselves more focused or grow more within the structures of a d relatuionship are they a submissive?  If on one hand person seeks/desires the goal setting rules limits  boundaries structure discipline and  guidance that d relationship brings but the person has no strong need to serve/please but instead sees their submission  as their part in giving back in relationship.  As a consequence the person  doesnt always feel  the same compulsion to follow orders given?


To reply to the boldeed and coloured portion of your question, the reply is no. Such a person you describe is more likely to be a slave and possibly a Gorean slave (kajira). As the the rest of your question or the explanation of your first part, I'd say that I am seeing a person with a basic submissive nature but as to how strong the submisiveness is time alone would tell me were she (assuming it is a girl) in my house collar.



leadership527 -> RE: a submissive or not (9/21/2008 8:44:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: findngslf

I know have hard time expressing my ideas into clear precise pointsat times .  I have been in a 50s type relationship for several years.  So I am  perfectly fine with used to partner having final say in all decisions.  Some of the decisions he makes totally on his own.  The problem is trying to decide if  to take relationship to next level ds wise.  I have figured out play wise definitelly submissive.  Been exploring it online for about a year and had for few months online dom/mentor relationship.  I have found out like the rules, discipline and guidance.   I have found that it focused me and expanded my limits more.  Noticed was more focused disciplined and grew more in those few months then have in past few years.  I like the setting of tasks and goals to do the guidance discipline rules boundaries and like sometimes doing things just to please partner.  I have always done some things just becauser asked, and can be nice to do thing because please him  and following little orders lately have become easier and just do without questioning motives..   But I dont feel like i have a need to serve.   And maybe my questions are mainly  because novice without any real full blown experience into submission and uncertainity oflimits and  how to proceed.


For me, there is only one required element to submission.... you need to be willing, for whatever reasons, to allow someone else to make the decisions.  Why and how, specifically, you arrived at that decision is important for the dom to understand from a motivational standpoint, but irellevant to the question of "are you submissive?"  I personally know 4 submissive women on a deep enough level to have some real insight into their submission and each one's motivation is radically different from the other.  Your reasons are your own.  All that matters from my standpoint as the dominant is the integrity you bring to the decision.



SayaNereida -> RE: a submissive or not (9/21/2008 9:55:39 AM)

quote:

But I dont feel like i have a need to serve.


How do you define 'need to serve'?





SayaNereida -> RE: a submissive or not (9/21/2008 9:57:17 AM)

quote:

So, ideally it would be best if i knew if i was submissive before we try it on a serious level, because once he decides i have to abide by his decision.


What does being submissive mean to both of you?



aravain -> RE: a submissive or not (9/21/2008 1:06:35 PM)

I'm a submissive...

but I don't 'serve' (though it could be argued that I 'service' [:D])

MY submission comes from a completely different angle. Who says that you need to be a service-oriented submissive?



tweedydaddy -> RE: a submissive or not (9/22/2008 3:18:36 PM)

yes, of course.



DesFIP -> RE: a submissive or not (9/22/2008 5:45:53 PM)

Try it and see. However saying that once you start this you can't say it doesn't work for you is nonsense. If he demands you act a role that makes you unhappy no matter what, he'll find himself in a bad relationship. And no amount of beatings will change how you feel.

Tell him you can't tell him now how you'll feel afterwards. Agree to try it one night a week and if that works then add a second, and so on. While keeping the lines of communication open.

If he's as good a man as you make him out to be, then he will recognize that you cannot predict now how you will feel in a week, a year, ten years. If he is as committed to the relationship as you are, then he will be open to making changes so that both of you are fulfilled. Because the alternative to a happy partner is a  person without a partner.



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