confused, new, seeking perspective

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

confused, new, seeking perspective

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> confused, new, seeking perspective

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/21/2008 11:46:29 AM

MShelby

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline

So I'm relatively new to the whole idea of D/s, although I can look back over my life and see that I've always been a Domme trapped in the facade of a "nice girl". A number of months ago I became intimately involved with a close acquaintance(we both frequent each other's workplaces) who I've known for 2 years, but a real friendship(seeing each other outside work) never really happened other than the few times we ran into each other at public functions. We were both involved in long term relationships when we met and I think the reason we never pursued a friendship is that there was an intense attraction on both sides from the first time we met. Pursuing a friendship would most likely have led somewhere it shouldn't have. I feel like he's someone that I would be very interested in pursuing my dominant nature with and have begun to educate myself with books and the internet, as well as doing a lot of soul searching and contemplation about myself and my life and why I have or haven't done the things in my life. I have been so ecstatically happy lately, I almost feel like I'm giddy in love, but it's not with this guy, it's with myself, and I don't mean in a narcissistic way, just that I am finally beginning on a path that feels right for me, I feel like I have embarked on a path that will lead me to a great satisfaction with life and with myself.

So during the heavy flirting stage that we had prior to anything concrete happening, he made a few comments that could have been taken either way about women in positions of authority and such. After we started actually dating, he pretty quickly started making comments about my natural Domme characteristics and telling me that he wanted our sex life to be all about my orgasm. I tend to be more on the shy side with new friends/relationships and then "come out of my shell" so to speak once I'm better acquainted. I was definitely in this shy stage while we were dating. So after 2 months of what was the best courtship I've ever had, he broke it off saying that he thought we could still be friends if we ended it then. So that was 6 weeks ago and things were a little awkward at first, we still see each other almost every day, but in more of a wave as you walk by the other's work sort of way, with the occasional pseudo legitimate business transactions that require one or the other to go to the other's store.

I still feel an immense attraction towards him and I feel like I get that same vibe from him, but I also feel like I am getting mixed signals from him as far as what he says or does. So the thought that I have is that here's this guy who really wants to be in a D/s relationship and shortly into a new relationship begins to think that this woman isn't going to be the Domme that he wants so he breaks it off, or he breaks it off as a way to almost dare me into opening up my dominant side and hoping that I'll push the issue and we'll get back together. Crazy?

A short while after he called it quits we were at a neighborhood function and we flirted, he bought me a few drinks and kept saying about how we were going to end up back at his place and then regret it later, but that neither one of us would be able to say no. Well I made a very difficult choice that night by heading to my house instead of his, I'm certainly not going to help him keep entertaining his fantasies if he isn't interested in continuing a relationship with me. He told me the next time I saw him, that he laid awake for three hours trying to talk himself out of calling and asking me to come over.

So has anyone dealt with anything like this before, I know I'm rambling, I'm not really sure how to ask what it is I want to know. I feel like I want to push the issue, be direct about what I'm thinking and feeling about the whole D/s thing, but then I also don't want to be seen as chasing him, because I will never go after someone who doesn't want me. I guess I am just thrown off by the D/s element which I've never had in a relationship before, at least not in a direct out in the open way.

Thanks!
-Shelby

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/21/2008 12:35:55 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

I am a little bit confused about what you are asking. Are you very attracted to him and know that he is seeking you to be a little more dominant, aggressive, and you are not sure about how to do this - and that is what you want help with?

Or, are you not sure if that kind of relationship is what you want at all?

I can tell you a few ways to send femdom-flirty signals his way that will definitely set him off, but the question is whether or not you want the consequences. There will be some expectations of follow through on the implied "threat" (I mean this playfully). Do you want him?

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to MShelby)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/21/2008 12:56:52 PM

MShelby

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline

Akasha,

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I do want him, and yes I want the consequences, and yes I definitely want to set him off. I suppose that what I was asking was if a submissive man break up with someone in the hopes it would trigger them to become the Domme they are seeking? It kinda sounds crazy to me, but I think that's what he was hoping for by doing that.

Thanks,
Shelby

(in reply to AAkasha)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/21/2008 1:11:26 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MShelby

Akasha,

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I do want him, and yes I want the consequences, and yes I definitely want to set him off. I suppose that what I was asking was if a submissive man break up with someone in the hopes it would trigger them to become the Domme they are seeking? It kinda sounds crazy to me, but I think that's what he was hoping for by doing that.

Thanks,
Shelby

You can never know for sure, but he might have just ended it because you were not "coming out of your femdom shell" fast enough for him. I don't know that he may deliberately break it off in hopes that you would pursue him more aggressively. The question is whether or not you want to date a man who is clearly more interested in your potential femdom side than you as a person. Two months is enough time to start having some talks about that kind of thing...did you ever tell him up front that you do feel you have the potential to be dominant and controlling, but have to be comfortable first?

Embracing the fun of control and dominance, and being comfortable with it, are something you can try through flirtation with him, and see if he responds. You see him frequently in casual situations you said. Wear some sexy, but appropriate boots and ask him what he thinks of them. Then suggest to him that maybe if he is lucky he can see them up close some time. Flirt more aggressively; be the one to initiate and hold eye contact, and then smile when he responds. Find any excuse (he is late one day? Haven't seen him in awhile?) to make a joke about needing to "punish" him; "Hey, haven't seen you in a few days. You shouldn't make me wait like that, I might have to punish you," (or, more aggressive - "If I didn't see you a few more days, I was thinking about kidnapping you - but you'd probably enjoy that, wouldn't you?")

Other flirtacious dominant comments: "I like a man who knows how to follow orders," or "Don't misbehave, you know what happens to bad boys."

Drop something near him, and if he doesn't go to pick it up, ask him to do it. When he picks it up and hands it to you, say something like, "Interesting. I kind of liked seeing you down there like that." More aggressive: Stand close enough so that when he does it, you can lightly put your foot on top of his hand. This takes a LOT of care and timing - but damn, it works well when done right. No pressure, just a light foothold.

If he responds to these advances over a period of a couple of weeks, tell him to ask you out. Give him your phone number (even if he has it already) and tell him to ask you out on a PROPER date. Make him nervous.

When you go out, after your date, explain that you do feel you have a dominant side, but want to explore it slowly, and need a man who can be patient and obedient. Don't let him give you the answer - make him wait a few days to respond. Start it on the right foot -- good, solid communication. No guessing games.

This is all just my random advice - hard to say without knowing your personalities though...

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to MShelby)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/21/2008 1:37:40 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MShelby
I suppose that what I was asking was if a submissive man break up with someone in the hopes it would trigger them to become the Domme they are seeking?

I don't think a submissive man would break up with a woman hoping it would trigger her to become the domme he seeks. At least, I would not break up with a domme hoping it would make her chase me and be more aggressive. If I broke up with a domme and she aggressively chased me, it would make me back away more.

I think much depends on why he broke up; was he not feeling enough D/s chemistry, was there a mismatch in interest which caused him to back away (emotionally backing away for space--I don't think this is what is occurring with him), was there a mismatch in what type of relationship each person hopes to have with the other (backing away for intellectual reasons), etc.

The ideas for D/s flirting above are good ones. If he finds you attractive and was not feeling enough D/s chemistry, the flirting and coming out of your shell would help. If he backed away because he felt his interest level was not as great as what he sensed you to have and backed away for space, the flirting would likely not help. If he was seeking a play relationship and sensed you wanted a long-term relationship, the flirting would draw him in and you will likely see continued ambivalance.

You are right, he is sending mixed messages. Flirting, buying you drinks with references to how you two would end up at his place and regret it, but would be unable to say no seems fishy to me. The incident at the neighborhood function could mean he is ambivalent, or that he was craving sex or BDSM that night and was seeing an opportunity for it because of your attraction to him

I think you might try the D/s flirting and see how he responds. If he responds and then again makes reference to being unsure, I wonder if you can uncover what exactly makes him ambivalent, and what made him break up in the first place.

I hope that helps.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 9/21/2008 2:00:27 PM >

(in reply to MShelby)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/21/2008 4:37:38 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

MShelby,

quote:

MShelby:
Yes, I do want him, and yes I want the consequences, and yes I definitely want to set him off. I suppose that what I was asking was if a submissive man break up with someone in the hopes it would trigger them to become the Domme they are seeking? It kinda sounds crazy to me, but I think that's what he was hoping for by doing that.

Akasha:
The question is whether or not you want to date a man who is clearly more interested in your potential femdom side than you as a person. Two months is enough time to start having some talks about that kind of thing...did you ever tell him up front that you do feel you have the potential to be dominant and controlling, but have to be comfortable first? (snip: lots of most-excellent Femdom flirting advice removed for brevity.)

If the boy is interested, Akasha's flirting advice is likely to do the trick. However, depending on your style, you could have easily accomplished the same thing at the time you and he were somewhat drunk. Case in point, had you gone to they boy's house, grabbed his head and pushed it between you legs, had him give you an mind-shattering orgasm, and then walked out the door saying "call me tomorrow boy"... were he interested, it's not likely such an approach would fail.

I'm not really one for approaching things like this while drunk so please don't take the scenario I described as a recommendation or an endorsement. Equally, I've never been much on skirting an issue and seemingly this is exactly what you and this boy are doing. Yes, you could possibly reset the slate using some of Akasha's flirting advice, but I'm going to suggest something far more direct.

Invite the boy out for coffee (either at an actual coffee shop or at your house). You two dated already so I recommend the privacy of your house. If he wants to know why you want to see him, simply say there are a few things you want to discuss and you'll go over these when he's there. Once you two are in the same room and can have a face-to-face, private conversation, I'd communicate exactly what you're feeling (that he may have broken up with you because you were not Dommely enough) and tell him about your explorations and desires as a Domme. Next, tell the boy you're interested in him as a person, as a prospective sub to learn on, and as a prospective vanilla and submissive life partner. At this point, you've said enough. Now ask the boy to talk. Have him to tell you why he broke up with you (the real, actual reason) and ask him why he still flirts with you. Once you've got him talking, listen carefully. From here, you can react and interact as you feel is necessary.

Only you can decide if this boy offers what you want. Likewise, only you and the boy, mutually, can decide if you want to give this another try. Personally, if his reticence that motivated the breakup was just a misunderstanding as to whether you were interested in the dominant side of things, I think that's okay. You want to be on the top. He wants to be on the bottom. Wonderful. You can move forward from here if the two of you want to. However, if the boy is more interested in you as an instant service provider (i.e. he wanted you to tie him up and whip him and you weren't doing this so he left for greener pastures), true enough, only you can decide if this is right for you, but for me this isn't the right headspace for anyone to begin a relationship.

I've never had any relationship develop where there isn't straightforward, honest communication. Well, okay... this isn't entirely true, but the odds tend to be against this being a fruitful, effective approach. Flirting is fine and I encourage you to use some of the things Akasha suggested and whatever ideas of your own you find appealing. Still, given that there is some history between you two, before investing time in flirting, I'd talk out your feelings directly. Once you've clarified what went wrong and how the two of you feel now, you can decide whether to invest time in catching this boy's mind, heart, and balls. :-)

Remember, the BDSM dynamics you share with a partner can be very inviting and rewarding, however, even in BDSM relationships, much of the time you spend with your partner will be doing vanilla things together. Thus, don't sell vanilla compatibility short. Vanilla compatibility, in my opinion, is one of the most important things in a BDSM partner.

Elan.

(in reply to MShelby)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/21/2008 8:47:58 PM

MShelby

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline

Thanks for the ideas, they all sound pretty good. As far as whether or not I told him in no uncertain terms how I feel about being Domme, no I haven't. I sort of just danced around the issue whenever it was brought up, probably not the best thing to have done, but it is what it is. I don't necessarily think he is more interested in my femdom side than me as a person, I just feel like it's important to him and I didn't do a great job of showing him that I am receptive and very interested in exploring the D/s side of things. I think we actually have an awful lot in common, in addition to an immensely magnetic sexual attraction to each other. I think part of it may have been that things felt a little too comfortable a little too fast(he had already started talking about Thanksgiving dinner back in June), which is a common thread throughout both of our relationship histories, he was a little more recently out of his last relationship than I was and I think he may have been a little wary of what may have felt like it was too good to be true sort of thing, coupled with the impression that I wasn't really interested in being his Domme, probably sent him into break up land.

As far as talking to him, one on one as in having a real conversation, he seems to only want to see me around other people, his work, my work, which of course leads to guarded comments and the inability to really talk since one or both of us are working, we are both managers with many employees and much responsibility. I've called him at home a few times and always get his answering machine, never left a message until last time when I didn't hang up soon enough and didn't want to leave a hang-up message. He never checks his caller ID and so I don't think he knows I called the other times, but when I left the message( just a simple, "just called to say Hi!" the next day when I saw him he was grinning ear to ear and then when I talked to him, the first thing he said was that I had called the night before, might've been a good opportunity to say something, but I didn't. I'm racking up a lot of missed opportunities here, I can tell.

I've been reluctant to appear to be flirting because even though my gut tells me that he's interested and wants to reciprocate, my head tells me all the reasons why I shouldn't. I worry that maybe I'm just being crazy, that he really just decided he doesn't like me like that and that I would be creating a long term awkward situation by pressing forward. We live in a small community where work, etc. could potentially get kinda wierd for both of us if things got wierd between us. I had told him before we started dating that I would rather he was my friend than my ex and he told me later that we could never have been just friends, because the chemistry was so great. I think we could have, or at least stayed at the same level of acquaintance as before, but then I think I am better at self-denial than he.

Elan, funny you said what you did, after we went to a party(while we were dating) he told me that if I had taken him in a room and forced him down on his knees and made him service me that it would have been the most erotic thing I could've done and that it would have aroused him for the next ten years(I do imagine he was exagerating a bit).

I do agree that, for me/us at least, the vanilla parts of life are very important and that compatibility there is crucial.

I don't think that he was completely honest with me about how he was feeling and why he chose to end it. But I know different people need different things to feel open and comfortable about talking about certain things, particularly when you may think that how you're feeling may hurt the other person.

Thanks again, it's always great to hear others thoughts, I appreciate the extended kindesses!
Shelby

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/21/2008 11:17:55 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Shelby,

quote:

I don't necessarily think he is more interested in my femdom side than me as a person, I just feel like it's important to him and I didn't do a great job of showing him that I am receptive and very interested in exploring the D/s side of things.

While kinky people are certainly interested in sharing other things with their partners, BDSM compatibility is, none-the-less, a very important aspect of whether a kinkster decides to court someone or not. You also mentioned that the two of you jumped in very quickly. Put these two things together and it's quite possible that this boy simply thought you and he were not compatible in the BDSM arena. That's a shame because from what you've written, it may well be the case that the two of you are quite compatible. And outside of BDSM, it seems the two of you definitely have/had chemistry.

quote:

As far as talking to him, one on one as in having a real conversation, he seems to only want to see me around other people, his work, my work, which of course leads to guarded comments and the inability to really talk since one or both of us are working, we are both managers with many employees and much responsibility. I've called him at home a few times and always get his answering machine, never left a message until last time when I didn't hang up soon enough and didn't want to leave a hang-up message. He never checks his caller ID and so I don't think he knows I called the other times, but when I left the message (just a simple, "just called to say Hi!"), the next day when I saw him he was grinning ear to ear and then when I talked to him, the first thing he said was that I had called the night before, might've been a good opportunity to say something, but I didn't. I'm racking up a lot of missed opportunities here, I can tell.

I don't think you're racking up missed opportunities. Rather, this man seems to be sending some very mixed signals. You may be sending mixed signals too - I'm not sure. The thing here that strikes me is that you say he doesn't want to talk to you outside of work. That's a courtship killer right there. Dating someone from work is generally regarded as a faux pas so maybe this is his concern. You expressed the same concern yourself. Wow. The two of you sure have made this complex! I'm beginning to think you should have put the boy between your legs. Sometimes a simple "yes, I'd like to fuck you" approach works very well and clears away a lot of unnecessary awkwardness.

quote:

Elan, funny you said what you did, after we went to a party (while we were dating) he told me that if I had taken him in a room and forced him down on his knees and made him service me that it would have been the most erotic thing I could've done and that it would have aroused him for the next ten years (I do imagine he was exaggerating a bit).

He wasn't exaggerating. A great many boys melt at this kind of treatment and it turns them on for a very long time afterward. Although there are casual players who like this kind of thing too, in your context, I'm talking about boys who are looking for long term relationships. In this case, usually, the Domme must be the "right" Domme (someone whom the boy feels chemistry with and attraction to) for the turn-on to work. So it would seem that your office manager boy paid you a big compliment and expressed attraction to you.

Gee. So the two of you dated and then broke up. Now he only wants to see you at the office. But, when you got drunk together, had you jumped him (or rather, had him jump start your pussy), he says he would have liked that very much, and this seems especially poignant because he said this later, when sober. No fucking wonder you're confused! Talk about mixed signals!

After reading all that you've written, the only thing I can think of is: proceed at your own risk. It may well be worth this risk. Only you know the answer here. You're going to drive yourself crazy if you keep on the way you're going though. I'd either get your thoughts and feelings directly out in the open with him or consider this done and find someone else. Communication is paramount in any relationship. If you can't communicate your feelings, especially to someone whom you've already dated, then I'd say this is a good sign things are not meant to be.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck, :-)

Elan.

(in reply to MShelby)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/23/2008 12:38:39 PM

MShelby

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea
If I broke up with a domme and she aggressively chased me, it would make me back away more.

This has been my concern and the reason I have probably sent him mixed signals, I guess it seemed to make sense to me that since he was the one to say uncle, that he should be the one to re-approach the situation, but sometimes should be and actually are can be quite different.

quote:

ORIGINAL: elansubdued
Wow. The two of you sure have made this complex! I'm beginning to think you should have put the boy between your legs. Sometimes a simple "yes, I'd like to fuck you" approach works very well and clears away a lot of unnecessary awkwardness.

I think we've both been waiting for the other to make a move, any move. I've decided that I'll just have to be that person or it will start to drive me crazy, better to know one way or the other rather than to keep wondering, after all when you wonder too long, generally by the time you figure something out the opportunity has passed.

I write letters to people as a way of journalling, the letters very seldom are intended to actually make it into anyone else's hands, and even more seldom do they actually find their way there. Last night I ended up writing what I guess would be condsidered an erotic short story with the boy as the third person narrator and myself as the subject of the narration. It is a combination of things that I find erotic and things that he has indirectly alluded to wanting to do or enjoying. I decided that if I saw him today, I would "accidentally" drop it on the ground and have him pick it up a la Akasha's suggestion, as well as tell him that I'll be over this evening so that he can make me dinner and we can talk. Direct, honest, straightforward, maybe we can actually get somewhere with this situation. Cause I gotta tell you, knowing is more than half the battle, one way or another I'd like to not feel like I'm on the fence anymore.

Thanks again, it's nice to have like minded people to talk things out with.
-Shelby

PS- Akasha, as far as the boots go, my favorite pair of shoes are black leather knee high boots that I wear all the time, he hasn't been shy in telling me how much he likes them and often when we'd be together I would find him rubbing off little spots of dirt on my boots. Looking back on it now, I wonder how thrilled he would have been had I allowed him the opportunity to really get intimately acquainted with my boots.

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/23/2008 1:56:28 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

You're the chick. You will have to make the move. That's how it works around here.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to MShelby)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/24/2008 4:20:48 PM

MShelby

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline

Well, I did it. I guess I made the move. I had to go over to his shop for a legitimate business reason and in the presence of several of his employees, we had a nice chat, pleasantries, etc. then just as I was leaving I slipped the story I had written into his hand, then said I'll see you later, and probably far too abruptly, left. Now, of course, I'm back at work and waiting. What I'm waiting for I don't know, I suppose it's that point where if he's not interested, I've probably eliminated the possibility of even an amicable business friendship, but if he is interested then I don't think that my desires could be any more clear. I've never written anything that could even remotely be construed as being erotic previously and I am sure that from a literary viewpoint I really bumbled the attempt, but it is what it is. I was kind of all over the place with what I wrote. Since he and I haven't spoken in detail about any of these things, I really was kind of going off of vague assumptions about what he would want to do sexually. A wee little part of me hopes that he won't be turned off if I wrote about something that doesn't necessarily fall in line with what he likes. But he's a big boy and I suppose that if he doesn't take it as fiction, then that's his problem.

I guess this was kind of like me coming out about my dominant feelings to someone that I know. It was extraordinarily thrilling! I felt almost giddy as I walked back to my shop.

-Shelby

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/24/2008 6:54:30 PM

LadyMCovington

Posts: 2
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline

BTW, Shelby, if you think you might be unsure or nervous when you are in the moment or when and if he responds then I highly recommend Akashas website. It helped me tremendously when I was first starting out to really feel comfortable inside my skin and newfound Dommeness. Her advice for Dominant women is terrific and her stories though fiction give some good "I want to feel like that" moments as well.

And those great flirting tips, I think I need to try those on some guys even the ones I know are submissive. lol good luck.
~Lady M Covington

(in reply to MShelby)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: confused, new, seeking perspective - 9/24/2008 7:57:57 PM

MShelby

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline

Well, it didn't take long, he showed up over here and said "We need to talk!" so we went for a walk around the block and basically long story short, he doesn't think that a relationship could work for us, and that he wants us to be friends, which would not be possible if we seriously dated. Lousy timing, it sounds like we both knew that we shouldn't have started what we did when we did, but I wasn't able to stop myself and I guess neither was he. He did say the sex-D/s thing was not part of why he broke it off, but was actually what made it so hard to do. That sucks, big time. Oh, well, it is what it is, maybe we'll be able to be friends, maybe not, I guess, if nothing else, I've discovered a side of myself that I wasn't acknowledging previously and I think that is going to make my whole life way better.

Thanks for everyone's kind words and advice thus far,
Shelby

< Message edited by MShelby -- 9/24/2008 7:59:02 PM >

(in reply to MShelby)

Profile

Post #: 13