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Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 10:17:37 AM   
Slave2Him221


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline 		My husband and I have been together for two years now, in a vanilla relationship. I have always felt the need to give up control in our sex life, and even in our relationship, but have never brought the point up to him. When he left for Iraq I started to explore BDSM and M/s relationships and have finally found what I am looking for. I want to submit to him and become his slave. Both of us are completely new to this, although I have read many books and done a lot of research into it. I'm very eager to try all of this out when he returns home. He, on the other hand is not so sure about the idea. He likes the thought of me serving him every now and then buy does not want it as a lifestyle. He says he will try it for me because he knows it is something I want and he wants to make me happy, but I won't be happy in it if he's not for it and is doing it only for me. We talked about it all today and he said he is overwhelmed and doesn't know what to think of it all, but still wants to try it out for me. What can I do to ease him into being my master? How can I make this easier on him and help him take up the role? Thanks in advance for the advice and help!
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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 10:33:19 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		As much as you may want to jump right into it, the fact is that he is going to need some time to get used to be back in the States.  It takes some much longer than others to be settle back into "regular" life.

Even if he was not in Iraq, I would suggest that the process be a gradual one.  Start with a few hours of it, then maybe a full weekend, and build up to it. 

The Master's job is about much more than giving orders.  It is His job to guide and protect you, to watch out for your physical and emotional needs, to find your limits and to decide whether to try to stretch them.  I have been both Domme and slave, and as a Domme I put a massive amount of work into finding out what it was the sub really needed most - which dreams to try to make come true and which were better left as dreams.

Take some of your books and mark passages that you think would appeal to him.  Let him know that they are ready and waiting when he is ready to check them out, or offer to read the passages to him when he is ready.  Starting out with simple things like the trust and communication aspects will be easier than moving directly to the more kinky things.  Let him know how you believe it will strengthen your marriage, and how many BDSM relationships are actually closer than vanilla marriages. 

You'll find a way.  : )  Just don't expect him to be able to fulfill the role overnight.


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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 10:59:27 AM   
Slave2Him221


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline 		Chamberqueen, thank you for your advice. I don't expect by any means to jump right into this. We plan on trying it for a few hours at a time and seeing how it goes. I like the idea of starting with aspects besides sex. I will talk to him about it. I know he will need time to adjust, as will I, when he comes home...so I expect this all to take time. If it does work out, he does not want control over every aspect of my life, but rather to have me at his service when he wants, and only then, but to carry on as usual other than those terms. Like I said, I just want to help ease him into being my master. Right now, the idea scares him a little.

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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 11:02:27 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		there is a saying among goreans... the slave wears the collar around her heart long before its around her neck... paraphrased of course

if you are ready to submit, fully.... sweety.. you are already his slave.  the fact that he doesnt know it, doesnt understand it, or doesnt recognize it truly no longer matters.. not from your perspective.

the only advice i can give you is this... give it time.  start slow, serve in small ways,, submit in even smaller ways.. encourage his exploration, but, recognize that he may need to go slower.  a Master's place is to guide... he may not feel comfortable with that in the beginning.  dont think of it as you teaching him, but rather, you are both learning together, learning new ways to please each other.

sex is a by product of service.  i get more turned on by cleaning his house, doing his laundry, cooking and simply kneeling at his feet than i do being commanded to "perform" sexually. 

enjoy what you have discovered about yourself... show him that joy in ways he is comfortable with.  you may be surprised at how quickly he comes to enjoy them himself and grows as a result.

_____________________________

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RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 11:16:59 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Chill. Let the man breathe.

Think about it and take a long objective look at your relationship - you tossing a lot of new concepts at him all at once. Be happy with what you have for the moment. Valyraen felt he would never want to own me when we first got together but he was quite happy to indulge my sexual needs for pain. However, we had an unspoken power dynamic already and, given everything else that was wonderful, that was enough for me.

It was a full six months later when he decided that we should move to 24/7. Be patient. Let him know about your wants and needs and figure out what you can be happy with.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 12:26:04 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		People grow and develop over time, unless you push them, then they tend to balk defeating your whole purpose. i say that based on experience. i currently serve a Dominant who didn't know that He was a Dominant when He first met me, over time, He has grown and developed, but not through me pushing Him, but rather by me giving Him a sound board, introducing Him to others in the lifestyle (as He was ready for that), etc. Part of what it means to serve is to actually allow Him to lead, not force Him to lead, because if that is what is happening, it won't work well.

i do understand the statement that you wouldn't want your husband doing it just for your sake, but as Aqua said, sometimes it starts that way and develops over time into something more.

heartfelt

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Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 1:39:27 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Well said heartfeltsub. I believe that you can't make a person into a dominant anymore then you can make a person a submissive. Those qualities have to be inherent in the person and the partner has to allow that to develop. Sir is much like that, many areas of kink he's not crazy about yet many areas he does excel at. I talk to him about what I like, explain things which he doesn't understand and we do have a circle of friends who are kinksters also. Sir has many qualities of being a great dom that'll suit me fine and I allow him to learn and explore at his pace. Plus it teaches me patience LOL

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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 3:09:27 PM   
tweedydaddy


Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Take him to a munch and let him enjoy showing you off.  He'll soon realise that the other doms are just guys like him and vice versa, after a few beers he'll be as bad as the rest of us. Don't worry.

(in reply to Slave2Him221)
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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 3:20:42 PM   
Masterdarkone29


Posts: 23
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline 		You may also pick up a few books like

Screw the Roses give me the thorns

The Tops's book.

The Loving Dominate

or maybe S&M: Studies in Dominance & Submission Thomas S. Weinberg (Editor)
 
these would be good books to help him get started...
 
also check out http://www.wizdomme.com/books/  for more ideas and books that could help you two get started...
 
also you may suggest him looking on here and talking with other Masters/Doms on here for ideas on things to do with you that he may enjoy.

(in reply to tweedydaddy)
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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 3:24:15 PM   
masterforRT


Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tweedydaddy

Take him to a munch and let him enjoy showing you off.  He'll soon realise that the other doms are just guys like him and vice versa, after a few beers he'll be as bad as the rest of us. Don't worry.


I was going to say the same thing but you beat me to it...

so ditto what tweedy said!

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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 6:08:13 PM   
Slave2Him221


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline 		Masterdarkone, I have sent him "The Loving Dominant," and he hasn't been able to give me much feedback on it. Thank you for the suggestions on other books, I will look into those as well.

As for taking him to a munch, I've thought about it, but want to wait a while after he gets home.  He does talk to a guy that is in his troop, who is involved in BDSM and has a 24/7 relationship currently.  His friend is trying to turn him onto the idea as well, but I'm finding out more and more just to let him get into it when he is ready.  Up until a few days ago, he had led me to believe he was more into it than he actually was.

So here is another question for you all...today when we talked online, he asked me what makes me want to submit to and serve him so badly.  I've toyed with the idea of going into it through a long email to him, but at the same time am worried that it may just shock him more at this point.  Should I explain it all to him, or do it little by little in time?  If I do write him about it, I think I'm going to drop the subject from there on out, and just work on things when he gets home...start showing him little by little how I want to serve him, and let him find out for himself if he wants to take on the role of my master or not.

I did send him the link to this forum, and he checked it out a little, but would not give me any feedback for now.

Thanks to all of you who are telling me to give it time.  At first, I was very eager, but am learning to let it all soak in.  I'm hoping in the end we will be able to learn about it all together and grow together as Master and slave.

(in reply to masterforRT)
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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 6:24:24 PM   
masterofdrkness2


Posts: 1697
Joined: 3/17/2008
Status: offline 		in my opion.... the first hing that needs to happen is let him come" home" to his family.. that is probaly the one think he thinks of all the time... don't change what he left at first.. let him get home get his world built back . you have planted the seed now give it time to grow slowly .. you have made him aware of you wants .. and if this is what you truley want then time is the only thing that will bring this to you .. remember our guys have been over there dodging IED's and people shooting at them .... it will take some time to get back to feeling  like the guy you knew before he left.... he will have to adjust to just living a normal life first , this is not to say that you can not start showing him many way's of your submission .

_____________________________

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
(Pink Flyod)

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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 7:08:37 PM   
Slave2Him221


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline 		Masterofdrkness, you have a very good point.  I do know he is going through a lot over there, but he asks me to bring up things that will take his mind off of being there...and this came up one day.  So here we are.  I have already decided to lay off a lot while he is gone, and when he gets home until we are adjusted.

I did want to clarify though, when you say that I can start showing him many ways of my submission, do you mean while he is gone, or when he gets home, and if while he is gone, how might I do that?  Thanks again for the opinions and advice!

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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 7:22:51 PM   
masterofdrkness2


Posts: 1697
Joined: 3/17/2008
Status: offline 		slave there is many variables to this .. does he have internet access? you can post a journal with your thoughts ...phone calls? you can just be very pleasing and offer to send him the things he likes...not just needs .. when he gets home .... at first I would say sit back and let him take a deep  breath before jumping into  this ...but as you sit back ...don't miss the opportunity  to sit at his feet , make sure he wants nothing .. glass of tea coffee  what ever he  drinks, serve him his favorite meals and when I say serve I don't mean just cook them .. bring them to him , draw his bath or shower water and be there to dry him off when he gets out .. the list is endless... use you imagination.. there is no right or wrong  in this lifestyle ... we all make it our own .. then when he is ready to talk about this.. listen ... offer suggestions and work together to build your own life together .

_____________________________

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
(Pink Flyod)

(in reply to Slave2Him221)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 8:16:21 PM   
Slave2Him221


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/21/2008
Status: offline 		Yes, he does have email access, as he is in the intelligence cell and does not leave the base, and we chat daily.  Rarely do we talk on the phone.  I like the idea of a journal, because I already write him every night.  I may change up the format a bit and make it a point to do more for him throughout the day. 

Thanks again, all of you, for your help...this is the most help I've ever received in any forum.  I'm sure I will have many more questions as we begin to discover more through our relationship.

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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/22/2008 11:02:31 PM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Slave2Him221

My husband and I have been together for two years now, in a vanilla relationship. I have always felt the need to give up control in our sex life, and even in our relationship, but have never brought the point up to him. When he left for Iraq I started to explore BDSM and M/s relationships and have finally found what I am looking for. I want to submit to him and become his slave. Both of us are completely new to this, although I have read many books and done a lot of research into it. I'm very eager to try all of this out when he returns home. He, on the other hand is not so sure about the idea. What can I do to ease him into being my master? How can I make this easier on him and help him take up the role? Thanks in advance for the advice and help!



Outside of pointing a man in the right direction, he must choose to walk the path of his own accord and merit. Good dominance is propelled by a desire to be so; it requires a certain understanding and fire in the belly. Without it, anything one does to this end is simply a facade, and it will eventually become apparent. Should he peek into these ideas and find he likes them, then you may end up rousing something within his nature. Only time will tell. It really resides with him. No amount of books, play parties, work shops or "online resources" will change that fact.

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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/23/2008 6:04:13 AM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		Marc is right. Some men are simply not suited to the role. Others can form to it, but it takes a leap of faith for them. Still others take to it like ducks.

One thing you might want to emphasize is the practical benefits of having a wife that wants to be a slave... back massages on demand, sex on tap, sandwiches whenever he wants you to fix one, having no fear of resentment from asking you to perform for him... and all he has to do is expand your horizons and keep you feeling happily subdued to him.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

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RE: Helping him become a master... - 9/23/2008 8:35:14 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		You can be as good a sub or slave as you can try to be for Him; take His shoes off when He comes home, kiss His feet, present yourself well, cook Him the nicest meals He will ever eat. Never complain about Him breaking wind and always ask Him very politely for anything you really need (leave your 'I would like' wants at the door) But if He will respond with the Dominance you crave for naturally remains to be seen...be patient and sweet, buy Him a crop or a flyswat? and Have FUN

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Profile   Post #: 18
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