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Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/22/2008 3:13:46 PM   
Tavian


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		Greetings everyone. I have met a wonderfully adventurous submissive woman with whom I am forming a new relationship.

Neither of us has explored our sadomasochistic sides in a good many years and I dare say are quite rusty when it comes to S&M play.

We are sharing a lot of ideas. I wrote her a story which included sexual dominance and submission, the violent removal of clothing, light bondage, hot wax, and lot's of love and tenderness and the end of the encounter. She ate it up. She wants all of that and a lot more. She wants me to help explore her boundaries and push her beyond them (if not shatter them completely)

I am all for such things but as I stated, it has been about 13 years since I have put such thoughts into actual practice.

I am hoping that you all can offer me some advice on how to proceed with this, new things to try, etc.

Many thanks in advance,

Tavian


_____________________________

I loved not wisely, but too well - Othello
Love is the law, love under will
Fide et Fortitudine
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/22/2008 3:16:40 PM   
LadyLupineNYC


Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		Slowly?  The one thing that I think is a major issue is trying to do too much in one night (or weekend, for those in long distance).  Start with one or two tasks to focus on and build from there.   

_____________________________

Facta, non verba gratia placenti

"I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence..."


(in reply to Tavian)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/22/2008 3:17:59 PM   
masterforRT


Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline 		Depending upon where you are located, I'd find a local BDSM group or munch and go there. You'll learn a lot more that way then dealing with online.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/22/2008 3:49:56 PM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		It also depends on what direction you are wanting this relationship to head.

If it just adding BDSM, get some books, attend a few events and go to the bdsm classes, go to some munches and ask questions, go to some demos, find someone who's style you like and ask them to teach you or mentor you, go to the dungeons and play parties and watch, ask, and learn.. add what you see and learn to your own imagination and build your play knowledge and skills..

If you want more of the D/s to be part of it.. well Hmm.. do the same thing as above..

seriously, get invollved with the local community. 

(in reply to masterforRT)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/22/2008 5:26:56 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		In terms of play, find a bdsm checklist and both of you fill them out. Experience isn't what you're looking for here, interest is.

Start play with the things you both like the most. So if you love the idea of her over your knee and she loves the thought too, that's where to begin. The purpose is not to do everything in one night, but to have an experience you both enjoy and therefore look forward to a second play meet.

In terms of rules and control. Go slow, and then go slower. I wouldn't make any rules for the first month, just see what occurs naturally. In all probability it will be how you like your morning coffee and whether you want iced tea or water with meals. After that, no more than one rule a week and expect that any rule will require practice every day for a month to become habit. So don't go around punishing someone for not instantly having it be habitual practice. Just repeat it and make her go back and do it again, and find out how to tweak her routine to make it easier.

It's real easy to pull out a cane if someone makes a mistake, it's a lot harder to go through their day with them and see what the snag is. For example, if she forgets to always buckle up, then getting hit once a month or whenever you get together won't help nearly as much as telling her to write seatbelt on a piece of cardboard and put it against her steering wheel whenever she gets out of the car. Plus calling her during the day to remind her to go move the cardboard into position. Within a week, she won't forget any more because every time she gets in or out of the car she'll be reminded. In car to go to work, see the sign. Back in car to go to lunch, see the sign. After work to the gym, after the gym she sees the sign. Grocery store, post office, library, videostore, etc. All of daily life will help teach her simply because you gave her the way to remember.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/22/2008 6:23:11 PM   
SoulRavager


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline 		weissmans SM101 and screw the roses have a lot of practical advice. read and play with ideas. agree that slow and steady wins the race.....

(in reply to DesFIP)
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Update! - 9/23/2008 3:31:10 AM   
Tavian


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		My new relationship proceeds apace. We learn more about each other every day.

But today's chat was somewhat surprising. We were talking about what things we would be doing and about her doing things that brought her enjoyment vs doing things solely for my enjoyment.

Then she broke out with "I wish to be your Lady on the street..and your submissive whore in the bedroom"

That took my breath clean away. I didn't know what to say. Then I told her that she seemed much more submissive to me and that I had believed it to be mostly curiosity but was no longer sure of that.

She then reiterated that she wanted to be my lady when we are out in public and doing "mundane" things.

So then I asked her outright how much of her is just curious and how much is she seriously submissive. Is this the life that she is choosing or is it just a game?

She then said that in the past (long ago past) it had started out as a game that became serious and promised to elaborate in an email later on because she needed to head to work.

SO...my question is...what are your thoughts? Please speak your minds on what you think of this situation, her statements, everything!

Thank you,

Tavian


_____________________________

I loved not wisely, but too well - Othello
Love is the law, love under will
Fide et Fortitudine

(in reply to SoulRavager)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Update! - 9/23/2008 4:29:18 AM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		Ooookay... this is sounding more like starry-eyed uncontainable wonder than actual advice seeking. Which, you know, I can't get too upset about, having felt that way myself, but be careful that what you write doesn't come back and bite you in the ass in a lovebug's summer.

As for what to do: ...be careful. Be spontaneous, but plan it out.

A couple good ideas to use on a masochist that have worked for me in the past:
1. A Roman shower; I.E., push her into cold water, wait as it gets really hot, make out, force her on her knees, etc., blowjob, slapping if she's into that, then suddenly turn the water cold again. Then hot. Extra points if you can take the temp changes yourself with aplomb; if you can take it, she has no excuse.
2. Take a walk in the woods, with rope. Tie her firmly (but safely) and NAKED to a tree. Then see what's handy on the ground to use... believe me, that tree bark is already giving her some ouchies, but nothing that feels 'scripted'--it just hurts, she's helpless and naked in the woods... it helps if you talk about this one beforehand, get her imagining the idea of savages coming out of the trees and ravishing her. Extra points if you can manage to tie her up in such a way that you can part her legs easily, and give her an orgasm or five while you're torturing her.
3. Here's one for the exhibitionists: grab a bunch of nipple/skin clamps and drag her into a store; find a semi-private location, and then have her start clamping, under her clothes, while keeping totally silent. If she can walk out of there covered in ouch, but never show it, then she gets a kewpie. And by kewpie, I mean deep dicking.

Rock on, my man. Keep her locked up tight, good ones are hard to find.

(in reply to Tavian)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Update! - 9/23/2008 5:10:51 AM   
Tavian


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		DMFParadox, that is a great observation..I am seeking advice and comments...but our latest chat seriously fucked with my emotions!! But in a great way.

"Starry eyed uncontrollable wonder" is a wonderful way to describe what I was feeling at the end of that chat.

So now I am wondering if any of you are familiar with her mindset and can clue me in a bit. I don't believe that she is a masochist. But she is VERY much the submissive and has stated that she will do almost anything that will bring me pleasure. That is outstanding..but how far should I take that? How much is acceptable..and how much is abuse?

She wants to expand her boundaries..but she's not big on lots of pain. My thought is that this is fine. We start out with little pain...pinching, biting, hot wax on aroused nipples, spanking, etc. And lots of mental games such as knife play, blindfolding, and bondage. Gradually I see us working up to larger pain as we find and push her limits.

Thoughts? Comments? Should I run because she seems to be a lot more certain and secure about this than I am?!?!?

Or should I take it in stride...and at my own pace.?


_____________________________

I loved not wisely, but too well - Othello
Love is the law, love under will
Fide et Fortitudine

(in reply to DMFParadox)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Update! - 9/23/2008 5:13:10 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		have you met her in person?




_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Tavian)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Update! - 9/23/2008 5:34:03 AM   
Tavian


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		Lusciouslips19,

Not yet. She is in Colorado and I am still deployed to Iraq. I will be here for another five months or so. We communicate every day by email and chat and we have also spoken on the phone and via webcam once.

In a fashion, this is ideal because it allows us a reasonable period of time before we can enact any of our ideas to get to really know each other.


_____________________________

I loved not wisely, but too well - Othello
Love is the law, love under will
Fide et Fortitudine

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Update! - 9/23/2008 6:19:28 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Until you meet, you have no idea whether she is gaming you or not. Bottom line, her submission is really not being tested until you spend time together.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 9/23/2008 6:22:16 AM >

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Tavian)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/23/2008 6:27:43 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Right now?  Enjoy the moments and the discussions and be as open and honest as possible in writing.  Don't place any expectations on her, or on the relationship yet and make no promises.  Do not get wrapped up in an online relationship would be the best advice I can give - no cyber - no online sex.  Discussing fantasies is cool, but don't get caught up in the pretense of online.
 
Enjoy it, but don't get too involved until you meet.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Tavian)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/23/2008 6:49:51 AM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		Ach, a distance relationship, eh? I hate these, probably because abstinence does not make my heart grow fonder. But ya gotta work with what you have, I guess.

My advice is to keep it very, very playful. So playful that she slightly wonders if you're serious about things at all. This is important if you've never met; you don't want her to take you for granted, or feel burdened by you, until you can balance that by your presence and the associated benefits.  Challenge her to prove herself to you, in fun ways... have her do things that mark her, like put your unit insignia up on her wall or scribble "Adored property of Tavian" in permanent marker on her upper thigh. And keep it fresh every day.  Tell her to buy something in your favorite color and wear it. If you don't have a favorite, pick one; part of your duties as a new Dom is to have insistent preferences about things that you probably otherwise wouldn't care about. Again, keep it fun and lighthearted. Make in-jokes between you. Have her find entertainment for you, and then pick a couple lines and quote them at her.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/23/2008 7:16:31 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		Wow. Did I read that right? Colorado? Iraq? First time? Should I tell you that the odds aren't pretty? Sure, anything can happen (and does), but this may be more titillation than actual action. Nothing wrong with that, mind you  - but reality and email don't always correspond (at least in my humble experience).

Make sure you bind her and then dance with her, all bound up and clumsy, as she is forced to rely on you to hold her and to lead her, naked, close to you, as she clumsily tries to follow, her ankles having only about 8 inches to move, her arms behind leaving her tits unprotected from your gaze and grasp. Lead her by her right tit, push, pull, left, right, always kissing her gagged lips, and nibbling at her neck and ears around the blindfold straps.

Good luck, I wish you the best!

(in reply to DMFParadox)
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RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/23/2008 7:19:17 AM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I would just go slowly and gradually and get to know her further, until you feel the confidence in yourself to take it to each new level.

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to Tavian)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/23/2008 7:51:28 AM   
Tavian


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you all for you for your responses so far. This was not actually meant to involve bdsm at all. Initially I was just looking for another relationship to complement my marriage. The bdsm was a surprise for both of us. There was nothing in my craigslist ad to indicate that I was a dominant looking for a submissive. My ad was as bland and vanilla as could be.

Perhaps I need to back off a bit..leave out the kink and continue to work on the rest of the relationship? We found out that we have a lot of things in common before sex even became a topic for us. There are many things that we will enjoy doing together like hiking, target shooting , concert going. We both like the same music. We both love to read. We both love motorcycles. She can't wait to ride on my Harley with me.

So sex, and more specifically bdsm, are not the only things that we have in common. Should I concentrate on those other things and keep the sexual conversations minor?


_____________________________

I loved not wisely, but too well - Othello
Love is the law, love under will
Fide et Fortitudine

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/23/2008 12:58:11 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Well geez, what are ya cheating on your wife for if not for sex?

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to Tavian)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/23/2008 4:04:32 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Well geez, what are ya cheating on your wife for if not for sex?


They have an open relationship, check out his post in polyamory.

Tavian, cart before the horse.

She hasn't done any of this in several years. Neither have you. Both of you are operating on frenzy, meaning "I want it all, and I want it all right now". That way lies disaster.

She's falling in love with pixels on a screen. So are you. Are you planning to leave your wife and ums for this woman you've never met? Who may actually not be a woman after all? And how much of this is real for you and how much is reaction to the totally stressful reality of your present situation?

What I can tell you is that if you start off thinking she's a hard core masochist, or assuming she's into public play, that your first play date may well be your last. She'll be screaming red and calling you unsafe, and you'll be agreeing with her. Go slower, just because she wants to do something doesn't mean you have to. Learn about it in your own time, and implement it in your own time after you decide what is too edgy or risky for you to feel comfortable with.

My suggestion is that you talk about real life, every day stuff and see if a true friendship develops when you're thinking with the big head. And don't be surprised if by the end of your tour, you can't face the thought of making a decision for anyone else, or ever hurting anyone in any way ever again. Some guys come back and can't handle this, others come back and start waterboarding their playmates. You don't know which or how you'll be until you get back here.

In the meantime, nothing prevents this woman from traveling to meet your wife. The only safe way to do this is for your wife to have veto power. Men tend not to realize when a new woman is trying to separate a man from his primary partner, the primary partners are able to call that. Even if you can't see that, don't call her a jealous bitch, accept that she's safeguarding your relationship and the happiness of your children. Be grateful to her for her gatekeeping skills.

It's more fun to talk to subwhore about fucking her ass than it is to talk about the baby being sick with the third ear infection in three weeks. But eating cookies is more fun than eating broccoli and steamed fish. However you know which is healthier for you, same is true for the two women. Treasure your wife and put the other one on the back burner.

And watch your back.



_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Advice for an inexperienced Dom? - 9/23/2008 4:39:51 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Hello OP.  First off, even though it has nothing to do with your topic, I want to say thank you for what you are doing for your country.  Chances are, you're not going to find a local munch group while in Iraq.  You might just have to wait until you get back to Ft Cartoon for that one.

However, what you can do is have either your wife or your new submissive send you a couple of books while you're there.  I'd probably suggest The Loving Dominant and SM 101.  I'll skip the normal recommendation of Screw The Roses, since you say the submissive you mentioned isn't into pain.  By the way, should you instruct either of them to pick up those titles at Poor Richard's, some of the information you're looking for when you get back can be found there.  If it's still in circulation, the name of the local personals print there is either The Oyster or The Blue Oyster.  I can't remember which.  Closest place you can find one to the post is the dance club that's right there on B St.  They used to have them right there in the front lobby.

I've lived in GA a few years now, but I got My start once upon a time in the Springs. There are some good folks there.  I wish I could say that I was still in touch with them so I could help you further, but unfortunately I'm not.  I hope this helped at least a bit.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 20
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