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How do I get my man confortable with his role as a master - 12/2/2005 1:55:57 PM

HarleyBeauty

Posts: 23
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline

I have been with my man for 2 years, I told him of my needs regarding dom/sub relationship when we first started dating. His response was less than enthusiastic, so I left it alone for a year and half. I finally told him that if he could not see his way to at least some of my desires, we could not be together. I did not see him for just over a month. When I saw him again, he told me that the activities that I wrote to him about, he had thought about a lot, both from my writing, and in the past, but that he was trying to be respectful and treat me well. He is reading and trying to figure it out, but is really struggling, is there anything that I can do to make it easier for him? I really enjoy bondage, suspension, hair pulling, spanking and the like activities, and he is trying but maybe too hard, as it does not seem to come natural to him.

Post #: 1

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 2:08:19 PM

starshineowned

Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Greetings..~smiles~

Introduce him to this site, and others where things that you desire are abundantly written about. Let him see and understand that you are not alone in these desires. Try to find some others Dominants in specific on here that their idea's closely mirror yours, and see if your Man is willing to speak with them in mail to help him find that level of comfortable.

Unfortunately from personal past experience try as I did..that illusion of "hurting me" and keeping me on a pedestool just was unbreakable, and ended after 5yrs.

starshine
Happy slave of Master Delvin

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)

Post #: 2

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 2:24:25 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

i agree with starshineowned, get him to join this forum, its not confrontational and he can see how other people are enjoying the sensual pleasures of bdsm and interaction with their partner in a D/s sense.
i think it would be a difficult thing for a lot of men to actually cross the threshold of realising that pain doesnt necessarily mean abuse, that it can lead to heightened sensations that their partner actually enjoys. Men are taught from an early age "Don't hit girls"..by thinking about doing it..he is feeling like he would disrespect you as a woman and a partner.
Also, another thing he could be having a hard time grasping is that Dominant and submissive roles isn' t making one person better and belittling the other person. They are just different roles that two people choose to take on that really work well together.

If however none of this is true of him and he is not a product of what he has learned about what is right and wrong action and it really isnt in him to take on this role, there is little you can do about it.

(in reply to starshineowned)

Post #: 3

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 2:27:08 PM

HarleyBeauty

Posts: 23
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline

Starshineowned- thank you for your response. I am having a difficult time with this issue. I was in a vanilla marriage for 21 years, and can not go back to that.....He hates computers and email, but I am going to try to find someone he can talk with besides me regarding this subject. Possibly here.

(in reply to starshineowned)

Post #: 4

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 2:41:41 PM

Webmaster60

Posts: 396
Joined: 9/10/2005
Status: offline

2 answers..
You asked:

quote:

How do I get my man confortable with his role as a master

Answer? You don't. Being a Master is not how we "behave", its who we ARE.
I'm not saying he is or he isn't. But he will only be comfortable with the responsibilities AS a Master, is he IS a Master.

Do you want him (i'm NOT taunting you here girl) to be your "Master"? To own you, for you to serfve him 24/7? Or do you want him to "scene" with you?
You said:

quote:

I really enjoy bondage, suspension, hair pulling, spanking and the like activities, and he is trying but maybe too hard, as it does not seem to come natural to him.

"sounds" like sensation play. Now if thats what you're after, no harm, no foul. But please be clear about what you want.. And sadly.. the second answer is much like the first.. I'm a Sadist. Its what I AM.. can I "behave" as one? Sure.. Can he? Sure? WIll he be "comfortable" with it? Not unless he IS one. (Sensatin player/Sadist whatever).

The second one is easier to "pull off" with simple education.. As to being a Master? Sure , have him come here.. read, learn, associate.. I STRONGLY suggest you get involved with local R/t groups. Write a few of us "dominants" that you feel he'd like to talk to.. But none of this will work, if its not in his blood.

_____________________________

Master Michael
~~~~~~~~~~
"To sin in silence when he should
speak makes cowards of men"

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)

Post #: 5

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 3:27:42 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

You may be a submissive but there is a fine line between getting to know someones "preferences" and instructing / teaching him. You can also be considered "topping" from the bottom.

If he is not by know and you have talked to hime about it my best guess is that he is not and will never be. A year and a half way to long

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)

Post #: 6

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 3:34:28 PM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

Sounds to me like he is unsure of the effects it has on you. Make sure you give him positive feedback either immediately or afterward, and if you want him to be more forceful make sure he know that.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)

Post #: 7

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 3:52:17 PM

ginawithaB

Posts: 141
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Hi Harley,

I did not read all the posts as carefully as i should have, so please forgive me if I'm repeating someone else or simply missing the point...but from what you wrote I'm thinking it may be possible he simply is not a dominant...if he is that uncomfortable, it may not be a natural thing for him...or he may not be a natural sadist...if you want to continue in a relationship with him and he with you, the two of you may perhaps need to seriously start talking about consensual non-monogamy as a way of getting some of your wants and needs met. But only you know your relationship and your partner and yourself. In all things, handle with care.

Take it easy,

gina

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)

Post #: 8

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 6:00:25 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

give him time and give him twine...eventually he will tie your ass up and whip it.....it's only natural, isn't it?

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to ginawithaB)

Post #: 9

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 8:26:49 PM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

Are there any clubs or munches in your area? Maybe you could take him to one and let him see what happens there as well as talk to real people. He needs to see that Doms and Subs aren't 'weirdos and sluts' but just ordinary people who like something a little different. If he has been repressing his dominant nature then this will help.

The problem is that if he isn't really a Dom then he's not going to turn into one and you are going to have some tough decisions to make.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)

Post #: 10

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 8:44:20 PM

firefey

Posts: 144
Joined: 1/25/2005
Status: offline

a very good dominant friend of mine is encountering a similar situation with the couple he is mentoring. and i would like to share with you (i'm going to have to paraphrase here) what he said:

in cases like this, the submissive becomes voratious. she wants to consume every sensation she can get her hands on, attend every munch/play party/event she can get into, and absorbe everything all at once. the dominant has to stand back and learn, and her enthusiasim can be overwhelming at times. he needs to go slow, to ensure her safty as well as his own. he needs to re-learn years, often decades, of social trainig. he has to come to terms with himself and his desires. and he has to handle a wound up, active, voratious submissive.

my advice to you...calm down. realize he is going to have to go at his own pace. stop pressuring him. get involved in your local community together. relax. realize it took you time to find your own way, and that he is going to need at least the same amount of time to find his. love him for who he is, and potentially for who he is not. honestly, i think the consentual non-manogomy talk is not needed yet and would just furthur confuse the situation. beyond all this, you may have to come to terms with his vanilla nature and respect it, just as you want your kinky nature to be respected.

(in reply to OscarHargraves)

Post #: 11

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 10:04:48 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarleyBeauty

When I saw him again, he told me that the activities that I wrote to him about, he had thought about a lot, both from my writing, and in the past, but that he was trying to be respectful and treat me well. He is reading and trying to figure it out, but is really struggling, is there anything that I can do to make it easier for him? I really enjoy bondage, suspension, hair pulling, spanking and the like activities, and he is trying but maybe too hard, as it does not seem to come natural to him.

You may teach him to top, but if he's only doing it to please you, that's not dominant behavior. He needs to find the dominance in himself, if he has it. Contrary to some opinions, lol, I don't think it's a universally held male trait.

If that *is* the case, and he's doing it to please you, reinforcing how much he's pleasing you should encourage him to get even better at it, even if he doesn't understand *why* you like/need/crave it. But if sensation play isn't enough for you, and you need to be under the control of a Dom, in spite of the best of intentions he might not be a match.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)

Post #: 12

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/2/2005 11:47:58 PM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

2 answers..
You asked:
quote:

How do I get my man confortable with his role as a master
Answer? You don't. Being a Master is not how we "behave", its who we ARE.
I'm not saying he is or he isn't. But he will only be comfortable with the responsibilities AS a Master, is he IS a Master.

Do you want him (i'm NOT taunting you here girl) to be your "Master"? To own you, for you to serfve him 24/7? Or do you want him to "scene" with you?
You said:
quote:

I really enjoy bondage, suspension, hair pulling, spanking and the like activities, and he is trying but maybe too hard, as it does not seem to come natural to him.

"sounds" like sensation play. Now if thats what you're after, no harm, no foul. But please be clear about what you want.. And sadly.. the second answer is much like the first.. I'm a Sadist. Its what I AM.. can I "behave" as one? Sure.. Can he? Sure? WIll he be "comfortable" with it? Not unless he IS one. (Sensatin player/Sadist whatever).

The second one is easier to "pull off" with simple education.. As to being a Master? Sure , have him come here.. read, learn, associate.. I STRONGLY suggest you get involved with local R/t groups. Write a few of us "dominants" that you feel he'd like to talk to.. But none of this will work, if its not in his blood.

Nicely said.

D (owner of j)

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to Webmaster60)

Post #: 13

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/3/2005 3:57:33 AM

Shonsu

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

Speaking as a former non-partioner of BDSM.... I'd say to just ask him to try it. If he does it I think as long as you show pleasure while it's being done, then he'll either enjoy it or he won't. Like Webmaster60 said... you either are or you aren't. It is possible for him to be that way and not know it. After years of upbringing he can have it ingrained in him that doing these things are bad. But if he really is then a taste should be enough to bring it out.

(in reply to Wolfie648)

Post #: 14

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/3/2005 5:56:01 AM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

the best advice is to go slow, if he is unsure , and you are pressuring him, you may pressure him completely out of trying new things. Let him go at his pace. Maybe a mentor in your area can help?

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)

Post #: 15

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/3/2005 6:25:22 AM

MstrHellsFury

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

the simple title of your post says it all...regardless of anything anyone may say or project as a trueism...either you have it within you or you don't...although the real world is full of pretenders and fakes who can and do pull off the greatest shams right before our eyes day after day...behind it all is just a character actor...I don't know about you but I'm one who seeks real...as to the relationship you're in and what you look to get out of it...you may have the man of your dreams...but he still can't provide the life of your dreams...either his love is enough...or you'll seek what fulfills you in another because this one can't do that...just another of lifes HARD choices...

Fury

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)

Post #: 16

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/3/2005 2:17:47 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

If it's not *HIS* need to control you as a Dom or Master does, then it's not gonna happen....

Tying you up, spanking you, pulling your hair etc are things *anyone* you allow (and is inclined) can do to you, even another sub - because it's mostly what vanillas might refer to as "kink".

But to own you, to control you, to impose rules and restrictions on you, to give tasks and reward/punish you for your level of execution of them etc - this has to come from within *HIM* and it won't if it's not there! You may as well ask how to get a straight man comfortable with a homosexual role.... Your man comes "wired" as a Dominant or he doesn't!

If he isn't a Dom, and he sure doesn't sound it, there's nothing you can do about it. Sure, you can get him reading and learning a few rope tricks etc and I'm sure he'll get into it at some level TO PLEASE *YOU* but without it being his own independent need, it'll become tedious and, considering the world is predominantly vanilla, he's gonna start thinking you're "sick" and need help etc....

If your primary need is to be dominated, you'll need a Dominant in your life. If it's just kink where you enjoy some bondage and spanking etc as part of sexual play, he may be able to accomodate your need and probably will for the sake of the relationship and the woman he loves. But if your need is overpowering what he believes is a "normal" vanilla relationship, you'll both end up miserable.... I regard vanillas as a different species and I don't do that anymore for the reasons you seem to be now discovering.

Focus.

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)

Post #: 17

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/3/2005 2:29:31 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrHellsFury

the simple title of your post says it all...regardless of anything anyone may say or project as a trueism...either you have it within you or you don't...although the real world is full of pretenders and fakes who can and do pull off the greatest shams right before our eyes day after day...behind it all is just a character actor...I don't know about you but I'm one who seeks real...as to the relationship you're in and what you look to get out of it...you may have the man of your dreams...but he still can't provide the life of your dreams...either his love is enough...or you'll seek what fulfills you in another because this one can't do that...just another of lifes HARD choices...

Fury

I agree with Hellsfury here! My bottom denika is married to an incredible individual. He is a person that has is own kinky pleasures in play, but is limited is play below the intense s/m that is wife denika enjoys. Nothing she can do will bring this out of him, if it is not within you.. you don't have it to give. denika and her husband found away to maintain an incredible relationship of love and devotion that is close to 15 years strong by finding ways to indirectly provide for each others needs and desires. This approach isn't for everyone, but not everyone can meet the every desire/needs of another. you do indeed have a difficult choice. What are the fundamental desires/needs that you require to be present in your primary relationship.. what ones can you live without... and what ones can be fullfilled in secondary relationships that your primary will be accepting to. if you go to denika's profile you will see a picture of him with with denika and my two girls... he seems happy don't you thing *G* they found a way... hopefully you will as well.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MstrHellsFury)

Post #: 18

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/3/2005 2:33:04 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

If it's not *HIS* need to control you as a Dom or Master does, then it's not gonna happen....

Tying you up, spanking you, pulling your hair etc are things *anyone* you allow (and is inclined) can do to you, even another sub - because it's mostly what vanillas might refer to as "kink".

But to own you, to control you, to impose rules and restrictions on you, to give tasks and reward/punish you for your level of execution of them etc - this has to come from within *HIM* and it won't if it's not there! You may as well ask how to get a straight man comfortable with a homosexual role.... Your man comes "wired" as a Dominant or he doesn't!

If he isn't a Dom, and he sure doesn't sound it, there's nothing you can do about it. Sure, you can get him reading and learning a few rope tricks etc and I'm sure he'll get into it at some level TO PLEASE *YOU* but without it being his own independent need, it'll become tedious and, considering the world is predominantly vanilla, he's gonna start thinking you're "sick" and need help etc....

If your primary need is to be dominated, you'll need a Dominant in your life. If it's just kink where you enjoy some bondage and spanking etc as part of sexual play, he may be able to accomodate your need and probably will for the sake of the relationship and the woman he loves. But if your need is overpowering what he believes is a "normal" vanilla relationship, you'll both end up miserable.... I regard vanillas as a different species and I don't do that anymore for the reasons you seem to be now discovering.

Focus.

I agree..... there is a big difference of being Topped in Play! a skill/talent that can be learned if the motivation exists to learn them compared to being Dominated within a relationship by a person that has that particular relationship style within him/her.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 19

RE: How do I get my man confortable with his role as a ... - 12/3/2005 4:26:51 PM

Delvin

Posts: 151
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarleyBeauty

I have been with my man for 2 years, I told him of my needs regarding dom/sub relationship when we first started dating. His response was less than enthusiastic, so I left it alone for a year and half. I finally told him that if he could not see his way to at least some of my desires, we could not be together. I did not see him for just over a month. When I saw him again, he told me that the activities that I wrote to him about, he had thought about a lot, both from my writing, and in the past, but that he was trying to be respectful and treat me well. He is reading and trying to figure it out, but is really struggling, is there anything that I can do to make it easier for him? I really enjoy bondage, suspension, hair pulling, spanking and the like activities, and he is trying but maybe too hard, as it does not seem to come natural to him.

Greetings harleybeauty

These are all good pieces of advice and I would add a bit of caution into this mix of meeting people at the local munches or "scene" plays. There is a level of "shock" at most munches to the outsider and so much information comes fast and furious.

IF this is all new to him, going slow slow is the first thing needed and understanding that he needs that time to absorb all the aspects of this life. Completely agree with Master Michael in that you/he are into a "play" aspect of sensation which is fine but you can not just make him into something he isnt. Although some think you can snap your fingers and walla it's instant Master, that isn't the case and it will take time for him to find himself within this life.

Be honest with him, have him be brutally honest with you, both of you need to sit down and make sure that honest communication overrides the thoughts of loosing each other or "hurting" one another. Nothing sugar-coated here. Go over the details of what each of you see in this life, and see yourself within it.

Best of luck in this begining search

D

(in reply to HarleyBeauty)

Post #: 20

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