RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection - 12/3/2005 5:37:19 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Kudos for a great posting and well thought out responses---this is an area I feel strongly about---our reactions to emotions as well as the needs and wants from them are programmed in us by the age of 5--there is no changing them---no amount of punishment, restriction or denial can make a person change those needs, they fester inside as an unwatered garden and eventually need nourishment or the garden dies--it is IMHO one of two places where good Dominants rise to the top---people have emotional needs, this does not change because they are in a D/s relationship-no amount of beating can quiet the emotional voice--a good Dominant must be able to look beyond the Me Me Me to understand there is no dynamic that is one sided--We must understand and accept the submissive's emotional needs and be prepared to care for and nurture them--if not, IMHO we are domineering, NOT Dominants--this is an area that we all must look closely at when we interview and seek out a submissive or Dominant--even in play, there are emotions involved, if those are not addressed and cared for--it doesn't work--( The book is called "The Loving Dominant" not the " I don't care about you Dominant"--

I require behavior that shows submission, but I LOOK for the results-- I LOOK for the emotional satisfaction--( and that's overall not just with one action--a sub may not like licking My stable boots clean but if he is overall happy--then we are on target)--

I am a PDA person, I adore physical affection ( which is one of the reasons I love being a Domme--- I take what I want when I want it--no waiting--smiles)and I seek out subs that like that as a sign of their devotion--

because My sub calls Me sweetheart doesn't IMHO mean he has for one moment forgotten who wields the crop--especially when its mixed with I love you sweetheart may I please have another Maam-but Maam should carry the same emotional meaning as sweetheart does----after all ( yes you've all heard this from Me adnauseum at the end of the day--all together now students-- we are all human with basic human needs, wants and desires...)we cannot be afraid to tell O/ones when we are interviewing that we need certain emotional needs met--

Your comment--In a D/s or M/s relationship, the Dominant sets up the structure in a way that is pleasing for them. I do not agree with, a Dominant should set up a structure to the mutual beneifit of all concerned otherwise, One is dancing to the music alone-- --I also believe a good Dominant should nurture a submissive along to be able to open to emotion--it is our responsibility to grow them

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 12/3/2005 5:46:43 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection - 12/3/2005 5:38:59 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
I also have a Master who when we play in public demands to be called Sir. When we are at home I mostly call him Honey. Every once in a while I slip up and call him Honey in our dungeon and I get reminded that is only appropriate at home by some quick little punishment. For me switching gears is a little challenging. I would rather have to deal with changing gears rather than not have our vanilla side at all though.

I am very lucky to have a Master that allows us to have a very strong vanilla relationship on top of the wonderful BDSM life. I think finding a Master that can blend the two sides in a relationship is a rare find indeed.

In my search for my Master I also dated some who had certain expectations of how a sub is permitted to show them affection. Also like you those who I didn't feel were aligned enough with my vanilla aspects of a relationship were passed over as I am a very affectionate person and I require certain things to feel I'm in a successful relationship.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection - 12/3/2005 5:43:52 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

i am by nature a very affectionate person so a master has to give me rules..ie PDA's...when in certain places...
i also have to get out of the yes dear mode to yes Master......
changing one's way of how they have always behaved in some part goes w/ getting rid of vanilla mindsets and learning what is pleasing to their Master/Dom/me.....

time for more java-

< Message edited by fyreredsub -- 12/3/2005 5:44:34 AM >

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection - 12/3/2005 5:53:51 AM

fldrkhorse

Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

This is all about expectations, which should have a thread all its own and is a major topic in my courtship stage. When we enter into any type of relationship we have expectations, in this case how the other "should" show thier affections to make me feel (whatever). I've been on both sides where my partner was too touchy feely and I felt smothered, to my partner was very stand off ish. It took a long time for me to realize my expectations are just that, mine. Now of course if my partner knew and understood, then maybe there could be more common ground, but they are still my expectations. I think the hole we dig is if the partner does not meet our expectations we then feel that person doesn't, love, care for, etc, me. And once that hole is dug it's very hard to get out. That's when we then go overboard in trying to illicit the expectation, and we tend to either smother or alienate. Someone brought up in another thread how essential communication is. Any patner that cares for you wants you to feel cared for. If they cannot show you in the way you need, you need to understand why, and accept the reality of this is who they are. If that's enough, life is good. If it's not, life is about choices.

_____________________________

I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection - 12/3/2005 5:56:07 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

Thank you all for your posts so far. I didn't realize that it would be such a well received topic when I first posted it. It was just a putting down of thoughts as I worked through a related issue in my head (that might turn into another thread as the weekend progresses).

As I said, I am lucky that my Lord and I share similar modes of demonstrating affection. But, it was something that was important to me in choosing who to submit to. I think a big part of this is also learning to accept another for who they are; learning to accept their personality and behaviors. However, it is important to make sure that those behaviors will satisfy your needs and desires.

I look forward to reading more responses.

Knight's kyra

(in reply to fyreredsub)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection - 12/3/2005 5:57:03 AM

angaothsi

Posts: 242
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline

This is a very good topic, not an easily answered one either. I guess you could say that one could shift the way they view affection, you could say it but that will not make it so. You made the point of using endearments, I am from the South too and we have a strong tendancy here to do that with everyone. I was a waitress for a while in a diner type of place and you call everyone ( at least I did) honey, darling, sweetie, so over time, even in my own mind it starts to cheapen these words. Therefore I am also not allowed to use them with Him. I had to make the effort to learn that by reserving the word Master for Him and Him alone made it more endearing then anything else I could ever say. The same goes in reverse, He calls me little girl, no matter what polysexual or polyamorus situations we have been in over the past 14 years he has never called anyone else this, not because i have or would ever demand it, but because it is His way of showing me affection verbally. he is not as touchy touchy as I am, or as much as I would like, but, over the years i have learned that he shows affection in other ways and i have come to take that to heart.
It isn't easy to let go of some things, but letting go is the point, expanding how you view and accept things only adds to your personal growth both as a person and as His sub/slave.

_____________________________

He says she is immodest; Blames her amiss; What follows more, she murders with a kiss

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection - 12/3/2005 6:11:43 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

In a D/s or M/s relationship, the Dominant sets up the structure in a way that is pleasing for them. For Dominants in a loving D/s relationship, do you require the behaviors that will demonstrate this affection in a way you expect? If so, do you think that it inhibits your submissive/slave from showing you affection in a way that is true to their inner-selves? As a submissive do you find alternate ways to show affection that will fit within the structure of the relationship? What do you do when the Dominant does not show affection in a way that meets your expectations?

My owner and I are somewhat similar in that neither of us are into PDA much, but in private will be a bit more affectionate. In some ways the way that we both express love towards each other breaks down into somewhat stereotypical gender ways. He does it through fixing things for me and if he gets me a gift, its practical gifts (which I actually prefer) - I can't say he ever has gotten me flowers except on one Valentines Day. I tend to initiate affection and such as ways of expressing my emotion and also through doing more domestic types of things for him.

I had always dated people more outwardly affectionate, so it did take quite a bit of adjusting during the first few years because I interpreted it as just a complete lack of interest. It simply turned out that affection was something that was an earned privilege like other things were in our relationship.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection - 12/3/2005 9:49:20 AM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I think often people grow up and they create this ideal in their head of how someone will behave when they care about you. At one time or another, I am sure that we have all heard or maybe even possibly used the statement, “If you really loved me, you would/wouldn’t do…” It is a manipulative statement designed to get someone to show their love in a way that is acceptable.

I disagree. While I DO think it's good to learn to accept love in the form it's given, I also think it's important to learn your partner's love language and give in that language. I mean, if you lived in another country, wouldn't you make and effort to learn that country's native language? Having BOTH is important.

Here's my example: Let's say we have a male and female couple. The male's love language is sex, the female's love language is gifts. So, the male continually tells his mate she is attractive and turns him on, while making advances to reinforce this. The female will tell him she loves him by responding, as she can. On the other hand, she is busy putting small gifts (a note/email, a small token of some sort) into his hands somehow. The male tell her he loves her by accepting these things, enthusiactically, as he can. HOWEVER, think of how the male would feel if the female initiated the sex! How excited he'd be. Think of how the female would feel if she received some small gift from the male. Also, think of how hurt the male would be if the female continually said no, or how hurt the female would be if the male didn't gift her on some major occassion.

We need to have a two way street in order to have a healthy relationship. I recommend reading "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate". In the book, it explains that the common five love language are sex, gifts, quality time, quality talk and acts of service. We each have a primary language, most likely from this list. Recognizing our own language and letting our partner know is a very good thing to do. Learning our partner's language so that we can communicate our love in a way that our partner will REALLY understand is a very good thing as well.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1881273156/qid=1133631827/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-3499877-0322203?n=507846&s=books&v=glance

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection - 12/3/2005 11:07:51 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

I mean, if you lived in another country, wouldn't you make and effort to learn that country's native language?
============
i dunno...got a lot of em HERE that dont wanna do american english.......!!!!!!!!!!!!

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to MistressFire70)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection - 12/3/2005 11:10:07 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

-- we are all human with basic human needs, wants and desires...)we cannot be afraid to tell O/ones when we are interviewing that we need certain emotional needs met--
=========

ehhhhh with SOME exceptions of course????

ugh

i loathe emotional touchy feely stuff...argh so happy "I" don't do romance foo foo.

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to MHOO314)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: Accepting Demonstrations of Affection - 12/3/2005 2:37:43 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressFire70

I disagree. While I DO think it's good to learn to accept love in the form it's given, I also think it's important to learn your partner's love language and give in that language. I mean, if you lived in another country, wouldn't you make and effort to learn that country's native language? Having BOTH is important.

Fire

Fire,

I am unsure of what you disagree with. I do not see your comments as being vastly different or contradictory to what anyone else has said in this thread. I see your comments as adding depth to the perspective and opinions being shared. Can you clarify please?

kyra

(in reply to MistressFire70)

Profile

Post #: 31