RE: Warmth and Dominance? (Full Version)

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E2Sweet -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/28/2008 6:34:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MischiefSF

When I peruse Domme's profiles they often seem very cold and austere.  (Yes this is a generalization and yes of course all generalizations have exceptions.)  Many of them seem to portray themselves to view subs as worthless pieces of junk, whose submission will be tolerated if and only if the worthless sub is lucky and grovels enough.


I avoid those women entirely. I usually just add them to my 'Hidden' list. I view those that demand upfront groveling and who basically come off as 'bitchy' to be not-so-desirable... That sort of thing may very well be someone else's kink, but its just not mine at all.

I much prefer meeting a dominant that is warm, intelligent, sincere, centered... you know, all around good qualities you'd find in any person you'd want to spend time with...[:)]

...and I'll agree with what NA said above. I've corresponded with a number of the dominant women who post here regularly and I'll say each and every one of them seem to be as nice as can be... Now, I of course won't be naming names because I suppose some do have a reputation to maintain... [;)]





chiaThePet -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/28/2008 7:11:53 PM)

 
Don't cha just hate when they force you to submit to their profiles.

Nothing says warmth quite like a fresh baked pie right out of the oven.

Soothes the beast within, or without, depending on the day she's had.

Freedom of choice, much like a slice of your favorite pie, tends to satisfy.

chia* (the pet)



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/28/2008 10:12:03 PM)

A friend of mine is fond of saying, "The internet is great! You'll meet a lot of people...some of which might be real."

Given the popularity of the "bitch goddess" attitude in SM porn and in places like OWK, is there any wonder that this is prominent on this and other kink sites? Part of it is role play and part of it might be that they don't know how to be just themselves. When some of us first came into the lifestyle, we thought this was what we were supposed to be. Many of us find that it doesn't really suit us and the results we were getting weren't of quality.

As others have said, you'll find that most of us who frequent the forums are down-to-earth everyday people who don't want submissive or slave doormats.

Master Fire



pagankinktress -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/28/2008 11:02:17 PM)

quote:

The cold dommes appeal very much to the subs who dont want a commitment. They want a quick fix and the porn says dommes are not supposed to love their subs.


Dirunal Vampire makes an excellent point here.  To the OP, I tend to believe that the cold, mean portrayal is more often a role or an act.  The thing is, it's a role that derives from some sort of convoluted perception of what it means to be a Domme.  Sure, some Domme's have a "bitchy" side, and I have no idea if they function at bitchy levels both in and outside of a BDSM context.  I know that for me, the mean, detached persona doesn't fly. In a certain context, I can assume a more cold, bitchy role, but that's all it is for me...a role and one that occurs within a context.  It would seem awfully draining to be "on" like that all the time.



tweedydaddy -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/28/2008 11:40:42 PM)

Do you miss your Mummy that badly? Don't panic! Most profiles are constructed in a hurry, a lot of them never get improved. But honestly, we can't win. If you see endless images of warm, caring, maternal women, how long before you start yearning for cold, steel hearted bitches?
You always want what you can't have, a soft hand and you want a whip, a caress and you want a slap. We all build a look that works for us in fetish mode, as opposed to when we pick the kids up form School, for example, I could look at the photo on your post and complain about how unhappy you look and what a nice smile you probably have, you get it now?



MsStarlett -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/29/2008 4:54:48 AM)

My mentor Dom is always bitching at me "You are WAY to soft on that boy.  He has NO idea how lucky he is to have found you at this point in your journey.  You WILL get harder on them." 

I probably will.  But not with this one. My sweet Westie is the first one to 'stay'.  I don't know how else to explain it.  One could say that my BDSM history has been a very long series of 'One Night Stands'.  Some encounters were full on 'sessions'... some were just kinky sex...  some were just really hot sex.  Few were ever with me more than once or twice and it was always different with each partner.  Each one was a friend first, a play partner second.  Almost all of them have remained friends.  My problem was the fact that I rarely saw any of these men more often than once or twice a year.  In six months or more, a play partner is far more likely to find a committed relationship before 'play time' rolls around again.

My Westie comes to visit about once a month.  We started out a bit more aloof, but as time went by we became better aquainted.  When I started feeling more comfortable with the fact that he wasn't 'going anywhere' and that he would stay with me, I became far more open with him about who I really am.  He doesn't have to get a hotel room when he visits anymore, he can sleep on my couch.  He goes with me and does things with me and my family as a FRIEND for a full weekend.  We only get to sneak away for an hour or two out of that time to 'play'.  Even then, I believe we spend more of our 'alone time' being affectionant to each other. 

Do I enjoy being the cold hearted bitch who beats him and tortures him?  Do I enjoy hearing him scream?  Does it fill my heart with joy when he whimpers "Please, no more clothes pins.  Please?"  Oh hell yeah!  But it also moves me to tears to hold his head in my lap and wrap my legs around his body and hold him and simply 'love' him while he rests and breaths and gets ready for the next round.



thetammyjo -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/29/2008 7:54:46 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

*snip*

However that is very much a solid porn-generated image of female's in charge (another two being overcome with lust/whores or mommy figures) so I'm not surprised to see a lot of folks drawing upon it.


  This is an interesting point I am curious to see explored further.  If we understand that that form of porn is mostly consumed by me, then what is the appeal of that collection of imagery to them that makes it the de facto representation of the ‘dominant woman’?



I'm not sure. From the course I taught on erotic literature, which wasn't focused on porn but did have some cross over, this idea of the cold bitch as dominant seems to come at times when the image of wife/mother as sacrificing and overly emotional was powerful. If you think in binaries, which a lot of us do, then you might think a strong woman must be the opposite.

is it something that men truly life or merely what they are offered so they develop fetishes and sexual arousal?



Wickad -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/29/2008 1:40:59 PM)

(fast reply)

Greetings,

I am rather torn by this thread.

Though I consider myself to be kind, witty, funny, sarcastic and warm ... I also realize that I am rigid, exacting, demanding, and somewhat clinical in my D/s interactions - some might even call me cold.  That all being said, I have always ... marveled (??) ... maybe 'stared in shock and horror' is more appropriate - lol - at women (and I guess it could be men as well) who consider themselves Dominant but have very little control over their own emotions or actions (ie: yelling, screaming, 'bitch goddess', demeaning, etc).

I was taught early in my journey that one had to control oneself in order to effectively control another.  Please don't mistake this assertion as some kind of validation for other threads on 'fat women can't dominate because they lack control', or ' Dominants taking mood altering drugs lack control to dominate', or 'people on social assistance have no right calling themselves Dominant', etc.  I believe that a Dominant who accepts, recognizes and consciously takes responsibility for their health, well-being, career, etc is in control of themselves as well as we all can be in this uncertain world. 

I find Dominants (male or female) who are 'wild' and not in control of these things ... well, off putting.  I also believe that many new submissives or submissives who seek to 'Top from the bottom', seek out these out of control "Dominants" in order to manipulate them into providing the type of "dominantion" that the submissive seeks without really every giving over the control that a D/s dynamic demands.  Because of this, I have a hard time taking these type of "Dominants" too seriously.

These are, of course, my thoughts and perceptions on this topic and others may vary.

Wickad



ChampagneMojito -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/29/2008 2:39:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Part of it is role play and part of it might be that they don't know how to be just themselves. When some of us first came into the lifestyle, we thought this was what we were supposed to be. Many of us find that it doesn't really suit us and the results we were getting weren't of quality.

As others have said, you'll find that most of us who frequent the forums are down-to-earth everyday people who don't want submissive or slave doormats.

Master Fire



As so often, Master Fire, I read your post nodding my head in agreement from start to finish.

I'm truly embarrassed of the 'I am Domme, hear me ROAR' attitude I portrayed to those contacting me initially when I first became seriously interested in formalised BDSM.  It was borne of exactly the three factors you identified - role play, a lack of clarity about my own identity, and a notion that if I wanted to BE a Domme, that was how I had to behave.

Spending time in the local real time community, trial/error and frequenting these boards helped me realise that I could be both myself and a Dominant woman, and that I didn't need to conform to some porn stereotype to find the kind of submissive I longed for.

To answer the OP and add my voice to the choir of caring Mistresses, while I adore having a relationship dynamic where I can be selfish and demanding on occasion, I truly derive the most satisfaction from actions which in some way take care of my boy's needs, whether by cooking him a nutritious, tasty meal, cheering him to victory on the football pitch or putting him across my lap for a firm spanking.  Love, bleurgh.  [;)]

E



vampchick88 -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/29/2008 2:44:56 PM)

The main time when I get bitchy is when people write to me before they even look at my profile. It states I'm no longer looking and just here for friends and message boards, yet I get airheads that email me asking "let me be your submissive" etc. True while most Dommes do put the coldheartedness forward especially during a scene, its not that they're a bitch. It wouldn't be much of a scene if too much warmth was added into it. Example I'm flogging pet with a medium consistency and he begins to beg for me to stop, I'd keep going as it is part of the scene to ignore and make suffer for my (and pet's) enjoyment.

To know the warmth in me it takes time and patience to really pry it out of me. pet found that out and was very dedicated to get to know all of me. I am a Domme who lives to torture my pet and treat him badly in every way my sadistic mind can possibly contemplate. Yet I'm also a girl who turns very warm, sincere, and mushy when deemed appropriate. For me its possible to have both, just under different circumstances.~Lorelei



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/29/2008 2:55:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

quote:

ORIGINAL: UmbraDomina

I am not cold, well this morning was a wee bit chilly, but I put on a sweat shirt.

*snip*


That is why we need sub-boys to lay at our feet and warm them [:)]



Oh gawd.... Warm feet!!!! That sounds heavenly!!!
 
I don't know how my profile comes across... bitchy might be the best way to describe it I guess... and sarcastic, yeah, sarcastic. But I'm not actively searching either. I just here to make me easier to find.
 
That probably makes no sense at all huh?
 
Jewel



YoungsubAZ -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/29/2008 4:01:23 PM)

I just laugh and move on when I get a message from a cold, cruel goddess.



yourMissTress -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/29/2008 5:27:56 PM)

I believe myself to be a warm person, in all aspects of my life.  Warm doesn't mean I'm not a bitch at times, it doesn't mean I'm a push over, it means that I care about others and I am compassionate and loving in my relationships with friends and lovers.

I am certainly capable of being cold and cruel, which is why I must have some type of relationship with any playmate...sometimes my love for them is the only thing that keeps me from going too far...[;)]



subman1876 -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/29/2008 9:40:17 PM)

I agree with much that you say.  I can scene with just about anyone.  But, I prefer to have some sort of emotional connection with a Domme and for it to be more than just a good scene.  If all I wanted was someone to beat me, it's much easier to get a pro than to go through the work of searching out a relationship with a Domme on CM. 

I find I can take a much harder beating from someone with which I feel that emotional connection.  The connection I feel when my Domme looks into my eyes as she removes the nipple clamps or the way she holds me across the abdomen as she paddles me somehow makes the pain more bearable because I also get the pleasure of feeling through that connection that my suffering pleases her.  I can feel an intangible energy flowing between us as she puts her lips close to mine but just out of reach.  Wthout saying or doing anything she makes me strain against my bondage, begging for the simplest kiss that reminds us both that she really does care and that she does appreciate my suffering for her.  I liken it to the energy of the first kiss.  Even vanilla folks know that energy or spark.  However, in a good, emotionally grounded D/s relationship, you can have that "I have to have it, I'll do anything for it" first kiss energy over and over.  Vanilla folks just don't know what they are missing, or ther would be no vanilla folks.

I guess it's parallel to the vanilla world - some folks like being a doormat and some folks like having a doormat.  And that's fine as long as it workd for both of them.  But for me, even though I'd do most anything to please my Domme, I still have feelings and desires and self-worth.  I can't sub to someone that can't respect that.  Subman1876.



yourMissTress -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/29/2008 9:44:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subman1876

I agree with much that you say.  I can scene with just about anyone.  But, I prefer to have some sort of emotional connection with a Domme and for it to be more than just a good scene.  If all I wanted was someone to beat me, it's much easier to get a pro than to go through the work of searching out a relationship with a Domme on CM. 

I find I can take a much harder beating from someone with which I feel that emotional connection.  The connection I feel when my Domme looks into my eyes as she removes the nipple clamps or the way she holds me across the abdomen as she paddles me somehow makes the pain more bearable because I also get the pleasure of feeling through that connection that my suffering pleases her.  I can feel an intangible energy flowing between us as she puts her lips close to mine but just out of reach.  Wthout saying or doing anything she makes me strain against my bondage, begging for the simplest kiss that reminds us both that she really does care and that she does appreciate my suffering for her.  I liken it to the energy of the first kiss.  Even vanilla folks know that energy or spark.  However, in a good, emotionally grounded D/s relationship, you can have that "I have to have it, I'll do anything for it" first kiss energy over and over.  Vanilla folks just don't know what they are missing, or ther would be no vanilla folks.

I guess it's parallel to the vanilla world - some folks like being a doormat and some folks like having a doormat.  And that's fine as long as it workd for both of them.  But for me, even though I'd do most anything to please my Domme, I still have feelings and desires and self-worth.  I can't sub to someone that can't respect that.  Subman1876.



MMMMMM, how nice, sounds familiar.[;)]



MsStarlett -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/30/2008 4:17:16 AM)

quote:

If we understand that that form of porn is mostly consumed by me,


Day-em girl!  How much do you download?    [:D]



ChainGoddess -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/30/2008 4:33:54 AM)

When I tell people that I fall more in love with my partner (sub) everyday, I am usually answered by a finger back the throat action.   It is true,  he means everything to me.  We have always had a very loving relationship, which I know is the reason that we can fully embrace and enjoy our chosen lifestyle.  His health and well being comes before anything else.
I do not think I could live a life where warm embraces or a loving kiss had no place.
Thats just my opinion.



LadyPact -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/30/2008 5:18:19 PM)

If I weren't warm and caring to My boys, I highly doubt they would be My boys.  At least not for long.

I think some of it does come down to inexperience.  A lot of people get confused when they first start out.  Heck, once upon a time, I did that, too.  It's been a while, but I remember what a twit I was when I started out.  I can still put on that cold persona when necessary, but I don't happen to like her much.  I like Me instead.

Don't get Me wrong.  For some people it works because it's who they are.  There's an old line from a movie that goes something like this:  "Everyone thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor, but not everyone can possibly all have good taste and a sense of humor."  I think the same is true of warmth and Dominance.  Some people just aren't the loving type and since the Dominant pond is still a run off of the human pool, we're bound to have some.

On the profile thing.  I happen to think Mine is colder than I am in person.  However, it is the direct result of some of the things that have landed in My CM mailbox since I got here.  As someone else said,  more often than not, it isn't read

Lastly, if My boys didn't think they had any self worth, I wouldn't have wanted them as My boys in the first place.



DesFIP -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/30/2008 6:22:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

This is an interesting point I am curious to see explored further.  If we understand that that form of porn is mostly consumed by me, then what is the appeal of that collection of imagery to them that makes it the de facto representation of the ‘dominant woman’?



But it isn't made to be marketed to femdoms. It is made by straight vanilla males to market to male bottoms/subs. And unfortunately a lot of male subs have no experience and therefore fantasize about extremes of what they would actually like.

Calling someone a lowly worm while laughing heartlessly simply makes for a more striking scene then someone murmuring, that's my boy. And therefore sells more.

If the guys who buy this stuff actually were in a relationship they would realize very quickly that the lowly worm stuff gets tiresome quickly. But because they've never been in a femdom relationship, they don't realize it. And as long as they keep modeling themselves on the fake porn stuff, they won't ever get into a real d/s relationship. Catch 22 there.



LadyLupineNYC -> RE: Warmth and Dominance? (9/30/2008 6:43:33 PM)

My slave actually posted about this on another forum here in ‘Ask a Mistress’ about femdom porn up right now.  He also happens to be helping out one of my friends with films for her clip site.  Naturally, it is far exaggerated but that is also what ‘sells’, so that is what she produces more of.  I have found that the type of submissive/slave who identifies with this positions as being far more their sexuality (often finding themselves thinking about submission before puberty, even if they had no idea where the ‘cravings’ came from).  I personally am neither for nor against (legal) porn and no longer watch it- working as a ProDomme for two years filled my mind with MORE than enough kinky imagery & memories to last a lifetime.  The few times my boy and I have watched anything together, I tend to have to mute the film; the ‘Domme-speak’ is just just awful…    



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