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Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 7:58:40 AM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		For those of you who are in -or have been in- long-term D/s relationships:
 
Do you find that you become less submissive in or out of the relationship as time passes?
 
I have found myself much more assertive in rl since being with Master. I actually can say "No" to things I think are outside my work scope. I stand up for myself more and worry (slightly ) less about taking a stance and standing up to authority.
 
It's like - "I know who I submit to- and it ain't you".
 
When I was first learning, and in constant subfrenzy, I couldn't distinguish as well. And most of my life has been in 'pleasing everyone' mode.  Is the difference because I am more mature in my submission, or the stable D/s relationship I have?
 
What do you think? Has a D/s relationship influenced your behavior in the workplace and elsewhere? Why and how?

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 8:39:09 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Mine would agree totally hejira92.  She never went through "sub frenzy" because she never really went through the phase where it occurred to her she might want to submit.  But it's definitely true what you said... "I know who I submit to and it ain't you."  This, in fact, is one of the things I'm really proud about as her dominant/husband. 

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 10:21:53 AM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		not only am i stronger ive developed attitude - which is actually working against me at the moment.

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 10:49:35 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92
 
Do you find that you become less submissive in or out of the relationship as time passes?
 
What do you think? Has a D/s relationship influenced your behavior in the workplace and elsewhere? Why and how?


I alter and grow, but that isn't because I am in a BDSM relationship, Ds one or Ms one.  People grow and change all the time.  It is not just a reflection of the kind of relationship you are in but of who you are.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 11:43:19 AM   
natasha66


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline 		Funny, now that you mention it, I am A LOT more assertive in outside relationships than I used to be.  My tolerance level for bullshit has gone WAY down.  Maybe it's due in part to my relationship with my Master but I actually tend to think that life experiences have taught me that it's okay to say "No", and stick up for myself.   The world will not end because of it. 

< Message edited by natasha66 -- 9/28/2008 11:45:56 AM >

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 12:28:28 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92
Do you find that you become less submissive in or out of the relationship as time passes?

More submissive inside the relationship and less submissive outside of it.  As someone else mentioned, becoming less submissive with others isn't necessarily BECAUSE of the M/s relationship, it's just because I've lived longer, matured more and know better what I will and will not tolerate or accept.
quote:

I have found myself much more assertive in rl since being with Master. I actually can say "No" to things I think are outside my work scope. I stand up for myself more and worry (slightly ) less about taking a stance and standing up to authority.
 
It's like - "I know who I submit to- and it ain't you". 

YES!  That's exactly how I feel as well.  I can't say that I ever really had a problem before Him, though, taking a stance or standing up to authority.
quote:

When I was first learning, and in constant subfrenzy, I couldn't distinguish as well

Well, I think it's pretty well known how I feel about sub "frenzy" and not being able to think because of it so I'm not going to touch on this part........but
quote:

And most of my life has been in 'pleasing everyone' mode.  Is the difference because I am more mature in my submission, or the stable D/s relationship I have?

As I mentioned above, I feel it's easier for me as each day goes by to be able to clearly exhibit to others what I will and will not accept.  I really don't think it has much to do with Master and our relationship, though.  Just me growing and coming more into my "own," so to speak.

Good post, hejira...........................luci

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 4:49:14 PM   
HisGirl83


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/23/2008
Status: offline 		Good post :) I have definitely become more assertive than I was before I met Him. I can stand up for myself in an appropriate way that grants me more respect from those around me. I too have been a "pleaser" my whole life and having the perfect outlet for that has calmed it down in the rest of my life. I excel in my career and relationships because of Him.

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 5:07:50 PM   
rubberpet


Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline 		I've always been a very assertive and somewhat aggressive person in real life and in my work place.  I've been told by people that know I'm a collared slave that they would swear I am a dom because of my demeanor.  In fact, there are people who wholeheartedly believe I am a complete psychopath or something.  I've always stood up to bullies and have been known to take the fight right back to them.  In fact, I've gotten the psycho rep when I decided to chase a high school classmate around campus with a hammer because of a very cruel practical joke he played on me.
 
I've never been a "try to please everyone" type person.  I'm usually the first one to say what others are too afraid to say.  I'm very outspoken and really don't give a flip if someone likes me or not.  I just tell it like it is, although there are times when I choose tact and discretion over being blunt and too the point.
 
I've known I am submissive for a very long time, but recently realized only one would be able to break me and control me.  I'm not a doormat in any aspect of my life and I knew I was not a good fit for 99.999% of all dommes out here.  It's that feistiness that attracted Mistress and keeps her on her toes to this day.   It's like a 24 hour circus with me...except without those creepy clowns!

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Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.


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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 5:31:45 PM   
XaviersXian


Posts: 525
Joined: 9/8/2007
From: Australia
Status: offline 		greetings to all,

What you see online is what you'll get if you meet me.  By nature, I'm I'm always honest, and calling a spade a spade.  If I dislike something, I'll sure let you know (though, these days, I have more tact than I did before Master took me on). 

I don't tend to make distinctions between "within relationship" and "outside relationship", I am just me, all day, every day, regardless of situational variations.  I have never been a typical "pleaser" type personality, and can actually come across as a very dominant individual.

My relationship with Master has "released my inner self" if you will...it has unlocked who I truly am, and I've never been happier.

well wishes,

< Message edited by XaviersXian -- 9/28/2008 5:32:40 PM >

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 7:36:51 PM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		Since being with my Sir the main relationship that has changed for me has been with my mum, I have always pretty much been able to stand up to everyone but her. Now that I am happy and supported I find that I can much more comfortably leave her on the outter of my life and not feel guilty.

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 8:00:46 PM   
Roselaure


Posts: 672
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline 		OK  I am a complete ditz today.  When I read this I thought the title was "Less submissive in RI", which I took to mean that someone was starting a thread about how subs are less submissive in Rhode Island than in other places.  I thought, "What kind of an idiot would post about that?" and immediately clicked on it.  Imagine my surprise. 



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Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul.
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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 8:36:49 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Roselure, i am glad i  am not the only one thinking about Rhode Island.

To OP, i tend to have an aggressive behavior and still am in awe that there was this wonderful submissive within me all these years. i can say no to people, and have been able to for a long time. i do have to watch my attitude, and have gotten better at not attacking another. Sir caught me once in a chat room with an attitude towards another that was unjust, and i got punished for it. Sir been working in teaching me tact, and i have noticed improvement with that area.
Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to Roselaure)
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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 8:39:32 PM   
bluepanda


Posts: 328
Joined: 12/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Roselaure

OK  I am a complete ditz today.  When I read this I thought the title was "Less submissive in RI", which I took to mean that someone was starting a thread about how subs are less submissive in Rhode Island than in other places. 


Ever been to Providence? There's some pretty hard motherfuckers there, fer sher.

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/28/2008 9:05:07 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Being honest I never look at such things by degree, but by their nature. My submission is just a part of me, a component in the whole person that is me, but I change, grow, develop and fluctuate with my own circumstances, with the people I come into contact with, by my own thoughts, feelings and emotions, moods, by my location, by the seasons, the weather, and so on.

I am the same person, but I am also different.

The thing is, each individual friendship, each individual relationship, they all evoke their own individual myriad of feelings, thoughts, intentions and emotions which I share with someone else, and the biggest single influence in these fluctuations is that other person.

Therefore my submission and the nature of my submission has never really been the same for any two different people, but has been defined by their feelings, needs, wants, desires and that relationship or interaction we share.

You may know me. But you know me only so far as from the time you learned of my exisence, my life and who I am, from the time we have met and the time we have shared contact and spent time together, right up until who I am today upon waking.

Tomorrow is another day. What is there are just my intentions.

What is a long term relationship anyway? Is it a relationship which is actually long term and which has developed over a number of years, or is it a relationship which carries the intention of being long term and existing over a number of years? How many years, how many fears and how many tears make up a long term relationship?

This may not be very helpful, other than serve as a pause for reflection.

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/29/2008 5:27:32 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I've always thought of it as though there was this stream of submissiveness in me needing to get out. And since it didn't have a clear channel to flow in, it went over my whole life. He however takes it all so it isn't spilling over anymore. Not to mention six months of making me more assertive, that was rough.

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/29/2008 4:10:41 PM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		Wow! Thank you all for the wonderful, thought-provoking responses to my thread.
 
I am relieved that there is still room for sharing deep and introspective observations here amid the drama and moaning.
 
(and I realize I probably should have capitalized the "L" in RL. But once it's typed- oh, well. The Rhode Island line did make me laugh!)

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Member:
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"You're the gleam in my eye, the smile on my face and the bulge in my pants" - Cuffkinks

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 9/29/2008 5:51:11 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Hi hejira,

I became less submissive to the outside world while in my last relationship.  Partly because I was conditioned to be, and partly because, as I grew to learn myself more over the years, I realized that being submissive to everyone was unhealthy for me.  Likely because I had a lot of unhealthy people in my life in my past, too.  But I did grow to be more comfortable in my own skin (meaning, my submission to others was partly a result of an inability to decide for myself and know what I wanted), and, adding to that, I was expected to not give my submission to anyone else...nor did I want to any longer. 

I also grew more submissive within the relationship.  I learned how far I could go with my submission, and where I could go no farther.  I find myself not wanting to go that far again, so it could be that as a result of my last relationship, I am less submissive than ever - both within a relationship and outside of one.  But that remains to be seen.  It's always easy to say "I'll never do THAT again" when healing from something and in the process of sorting things out. 





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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 10/22/2008 11:19:02 AM   
ladyacquiesce


Posts: 29
Joined: 5/8/2007
Status: offline 		My submission as made me by far a better person in all aspects of my life, I have learned to take a lot of things with a grain of salt and let things that use to bother me just pass on, I am more polite, and have far more manners. I get more possitive feedback from people in my everyday life since I have grasped my submission, Mind you, I am not a door mat and will stand up for myself, but the little things that use to get under my skin, dont do that as much anymore, this could also have a lot to do with the fact that i am older and have become comfertable with who I am and now know I am special and sexy and all the wonderful things that come with being a woman :)

~ladyacquiesce~

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 10/22/2008 11:28:27 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		 I have never had a problem being assertive.  I would gess it comes from being the youngest of 5 children and one of the shortest girls in school.  My job did not change that coralling 13 3 and 4 years old you have to be assertive.  Master has tamed that out of me to an extent i am not so assertive with my family, i realized i did not have to be, Master helped me see that.  So for me being with Master had the opposite effect on me.

Matt's littleone

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RE: Less Submissive in Rl? - 10/22/2008 11:41:59 AM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		A healthy D/s relationship should actually empower the submissive more, to stand up for herself and her ground.   Submission to their Dom partner and not the whole damn world.   You are taking control of your life more to give it to your partner.  It empowers the relationship when you stand your ground at work.  You are doing exactly the thing that your DOM is asking of you.  To submit to them and only them and not everybody and everything in it.   In return you offer more of yourself to them and less to everybody else.   Simply a matter of taking more control of your life and being able to hand it over to him more.  If that makes sense to you.

You also become more focused on power dynamics in general when in a RT D/s relationship.  You become more attuned and aware of how people in the so called Vanilla world play the power games. 

Really is very empowering for a submissive, and it's amazing how Healthy D/s relationship actually build up a submissive instead of tear them down and make them broken and worthless.

Mind you some people, want to be torn down and feel worthless and to become a doormat.  That's their choice, regardless if other people view it as healthy or not.

The freedom of choices and choices people make are different and vary from person to person in this lifestyle.  Sounds like you found a good match for a partner though.

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