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As the world turns... - 9/28/2008 2:44:01 PM

LadyBeckett

Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
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As boys write to me I am noting the fact that they address a "balance between D/s and vanilla". Having been active in this wonderful lifestyle for 40+ years I certainly have some strong opinions on this, supported by that time and experience. I am curious to hear the opinions of others in this forum.

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Lady Beckett

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"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

Post #: 1

RE: As the world turns... - 9/28/2008 3:33:17 PM

slim1112

Posts: 9
Joined: 6/29/2007
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from what i understand many Mistresses appreciate a good blend of conversation...but perhaps this is why i struggle to find what i'm looking for...i would also be curious as to what others think about this issue

(in reply to LadyBeckett)

Post #: 2

RE: As the world turns... - 9/28/2008 4:35:04 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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In my rules of contact, I state that anyone that contacts me needs to call me by nick name or a simple ma'am will do. Anything else causes my head to shake in a negative and they are about to be blocked or ignored because they haven't read the profile or don't care to adhere to my rules of contact. For me, protocol comes with some sort of d/s dynamic and until then we are simply people who wish to communicate or not. I do expect an in-general respect one would show in person when meeting someone, after that respect is earned.

I have found that some who run around... Ma'am this... oh Ms... yes Ma'am/Ms, have learned to play the game and some who were just themselves and didn't get into impressing me, were the one's I have enjoyed as a person, the most. They stand a far better chance of getting to know me. There may be something endearing about a proper speaking, high protocol male... and I don't discount the genuine... but someone else's protocol will not be mine. I will value more one who goes from informal to more formal at my direction once we have established something. Then it means something to me! lol

(in reply to slim1112)

Post #: 3

RE: As the world turns... - 9/28/2008 5:03:27 PM

Politesub53

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i think the degree of balance, will vary from couple to couple. Whilst some Dominas will prefer more of a high protocol relationship, others will want it to be more relaxed. The trick for the submissive in getting this right, is to remember that whichever mode is chosen, the underlying theme is always D/s. Thats to say that in a more relaxed atmosphere, there are still boundaries to be adhered to ( Protocol boundaries ) depending on the situation. IE the time, place and company. Even if a Domina likes me to be bratty and outgoing, i still remember who calls the shots. At least most of the time

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 4

RE: As the world turns... - 9/28/2008 5:17:05 PM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53

i think the degree of balance, will vary from couple to couple. Whilst some Dominas will prefer more of a high protocol relationship, others will want it to be more relaxed. The trick for the submissive in getting this right, is to remember that whichever mode is chosen, the underlying theme is always D/s. Thats to say that in a more relaxed atmosphere, there are still boundaries to be adhered to ( Protocol boundaries ) depending on the situation. IE the time, place and company. Even if a Domina likes me to be bratty and outgoing, i still remember who calls the shots. At least most of the time

I think it is really nice if the dominant lets the submissive know what is expected so that he/she doesn't have to guess at it. Bratty... oh so much fun in the right setting... and that too might need to be discussed. lol

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Post #: 5

RE: As the world turns... - 9/28/2008 5:20:08 PM

Politesub53

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Yes indeed Ma`am, the freedom to operate within the box, so to speak.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 6

As the BDSM world turns... - 9/29/2008 6:33:49 AM

LadyBeckett

Posts: 865
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From: Scotland/Tennessee
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My thoughts, when I originated this thread, were more leaning more towards the "on" and "off" aspects involved in a D/s relationship. Boys will often suggest that while they are absolutely submissive in private, socially and professionally they are strictly "vanilla". A longtime associate of mine is a well known and respected attorney. He maintains membership in the church he grew up in, and attends with his family every Sunday. When his wife says so, he must wear very feminine panties to work. He hates it, and on those who know him will perceive that barely, but perceptable scowl underlying his public countenance. After knowing him for awhile I noticed that the "panty" scowl was evident on days involving important hearings/meetings. He wore the panties because he is naturally submissive to his wife. She knew how much he hated wearing the panties and assigned him to wear panties specifically on days that he may need a bit of an edge. That situation serves as a brilliant basic example of what D/s is.

Re "vanilla"...I have been heard (or read) to say many times that I simply do not believe there is any such critter as "vanilla". There are BDSM people who are shy about their kink, which is sad because they would enjoy life so much more if they were to fellowship, thereby spreading and stretching those BDSM wings...anyway, back to the point, they are shy about their kink, so play this "I don't think about things like that" in public. D/s, on the other hand, is always on, which allows my associate to be the well known and respected attorney professionally, the charming, intelligent, sometimes funny companion socially, and the dedicated attentive husband that bakes bread, helps with the dishes and awwwww...even tucks the kids in bed at night, to all who are allowed a glimpse into their home life. And privately, well...we all know the rest of the story.

In my opinion D/s is the balance.

I am interested to know the opinion of others.

< Message edited by LadyBeckett -- 9/29/2008 6:35:24 AM >

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Lady Beckett

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"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

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Post #: 7

RE: As the world turns... - 9/29/2008 7:50:39 AM

thetammyjo

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"balance between Ds and vanilla"?

See, I don't separate my life into categories, it all honestly blends together depending on the needs of any situation.

Someone who is too focused on fetish or kink won't survive in our household; someone who can't hand authority over to me in situations (allowing me to decide when I will or will not exercise that authority) also won't survive here.

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RE: As the world turns... - 9/29/2008 9:55:00 AM

aidan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

"balance between Ds and vanilla"?

See, I don't separate my life into categories, it all honestly blends together depending on the needs of any situation.

Once again Tammy Jo takes the thought in my head and articulates much better than I could.

There are times when the D/s in my relationship is emphasized (like, say, when Mistress is pinning me down and digging her teeth into my neck or when I'm kneeling down in front of the couch to serve her a meal), but it's never there. Anyone paying attention in a public out-and-about situation would be able to tell who's leading and who's following. She's just the natural leader 95% of the time in day to day life. I'm comfortable with that. I can't imagine completely switching personalities based on what room I'm in. :-p

The folks who say "I'm (blank) in the bedroom/private but 'vanilla' in public," well...If it works for them, I guess there's not much criticism I can offer. Like so many other activities and modes of thought my fellow humans engage in, I can't understand why it makes them happy or how they go through the mental calisthenics.

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(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 9

RE: As the world turns... - 9/29/2008 10:38:28 AM

darchChylde

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From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
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I personally don't work for any kind of balance between D/s and vanilla (or the mundane and "normal") in my life; for me it's not all about where one aspect ends and the other begins but instead they are simply my life and any attempt to compartmentalize them would do disservice to both. The former makes the latter bearable, while the latter makes the former possible; i could not have D/s without my everyday life and the opposite is true as well, thus they are intrinsically entwined.

edited to add: after posting, i read others' responding with pretty much the same thoughts; so, i guess i should start reading before replying LOL

< Message edited by darchChylde -- 9/29/2008 10:39:53 AM >

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Post #: 10

RE: As the world turns... - 9/29/2008 10:44:16 AM

SweetDommes

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For us, it's a way to state things that people understand. We are not wearing black leather and wielding whips 24/7. We have jobs, we go out in public for 'normal' things, we visit our families. We want someone that will be involved in all aspects of our lives - the best way to get that across to most people is to say that we want D/s and vanilla in our relationship.

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Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

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(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 11

RE: As the world turns... - 9/29/2008 11:47:07 AM

ChainGoddess

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Joined: 9/27/2008
From: Ireland
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Perhaps it is easier for us. We do not have children and are able to embrace the lifestyle 24/7. Having said that, outside our home, I do not lead him around on a collar and leash, as much as I would like to. But when we are out, he wears two padlocked chains on his ankles, his slave collar, and I love knowing that his cb2000 is hidden from sight, but certainly not from our minds. He is soon to be branded with my initials and his slave registry number, and I wear his key on a chain around my neck. I looove it when people ask where I bought the necklace, but thats 'cause I'm naughty.

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Post #: 12

RE: As the world turns... - 9/29/2008 6:52:30 PM

ShaktiSama

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I have my own understanding of what the phrase "balance between DS and vanilla" is, I suppose. An incredible amount of my daily energy these days has to go into pursuits that have nothing to do with "domme-ing" my partner: the "balance between DS and vanilla" for me is often the balance between sex/romance and work/study/family.

As to the "DS in private and vanilla in public" issue--again, I think this is subject to some hefty interpretation. It should already be clear to just about anyone who meets my partner and I in public that we are not a standard male-female couple; the difference in our ages alone would set us apart. Nonetheless, I don't clip him to a chain every morning and whip him through the streets of this small Bible Belt city for exercise; I am too old to take any pleasure in the game of "Shock the Straights". I also would not overtly "domme" him too openly in front of his friends, professional associates or family. I like to make others comfortable when I can, and I have no specific need to play DS games in front of vanilla strangers.

Anyway. I do not bedeck myself with BDSM iconography and symbols every time I walk out the door and I do not engage in DS play in shopping malls with my partner--to some people, this means I am "vanilla in public"! Maybe this is what some male submissives mean as well. In a situation where a potential sub brought up the issue of "balance", it might be a good idea to see what he is actually trying to say; he might just be trying to place some sane boundaries on the relationship and how the dynamic is expressed. Given the way that some dominants behave, a little caution on the part of a submissive is to be expected.

I have heard plenty of horror stories from male subs before, about dominant women who were so childishly narcissistic that they couldn't understand where and how it was appropriate to exercise their authority and control. Women who could not reign in their dommelitude at vanilla family gatherings, women who felt the need to openly dominate or humiliate their partners in front of vanilla friends, women who could not stop calling over and over and over again while a submissive partner was trying to hold down a job at a place where personal phone calls were discouraged...

The worst one so far was from a professional lawyer, who was interrupted while in the court room before a judge by an "emergency call" from his domme. Her "emergency"? Reminding him to pick up her dry-cleaning that night on the way home from work. Yes, she actually throught it was perfectly acceptable to jeopardize his client and his firm with that kind of insanely self-involved bullshit!

That sort of thing would be a violation of the balance between vanilla and DS, in my opinion. And the more that a person has going on in his/her "vanilla life"--family, military or government service, career pressure, community involvement--the more there will be a concern for that balance. Quite frankly, a submissive man with a six figure career and a hard-earned reputation for professional excellence and civic contributions is probably entitled to sound out any potential dominant to make sure that he/she is not completely out of his/her mind.

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"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to ChainGoddess)

Post #: 13

RE: As the world turns... - 9/30/2008 11:16:10 PM

slim1112

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Joined: 6/29/2007
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Thank you for your post. I'm sure many would breath easier if this post was widely distributed among DS enthusiasts.

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 14

RE: As the world turns... - 10/1/2008 8:43:56 AM

BlackPhx

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Joined: 11/8/2006
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I concur Shakti, in the everyday world of trying to balance work, home, family and everything else in our lives DS is just another part of the balance we maintain on a daily or weekly basis.

When I have a slave (I do not at this time) the same consideration for his time and obligations must be maintained as I demand for mine. It also means I have to consider the mental aspects as well. There are slaves who must have a physical symbol of that control to feel settled. Wearing a collar to work is probably not going to get it unless they work for HotTopics or Spencers. A ring, a chastity device or some sort of symbol can do that without being obvious such as the panties used as an example in another post.

Out in public or at a familial gathering or just a vanilla occasion, it is not neccesary to display high protocol. A request is as good as an order..a touch to a wrist a reminder of who or what controls. A glance enough to curtail behavior or to at least promise correction at a more appropriate time. I don't need to hear Ma'am, Mistress or anything other than a respectful use of my name in public or a formalized endearment. With Master I use Beloved when I need his attention as a Dominant and not my husband...with slaves in teh past I have used other such terms for them as corrective or attention notices and vice versa. It is enough without flaunting things in the faces of those who don't have need to know our dynamics.

Poenkitten (Sado-Masochistic Switch)

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 15

RE: As the world turns... - 10/1/2008 10:54:21 AM

Dnomyar

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dC I like the way you put it without getting to wordy.

(in reply to BlackPhx)

Post #: 16

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