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BlackPhx -> RE: Controlling my Slave (9/30/2008 1:24:09 PM)
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Pretty much the same thing I said Steel..Great Minds think alike (maybe?). Something is probably missing in the dynamic for her to be pushing this hard. But I want to repeat something I have said before as well...it is not always easy for someone to tell you what is wrong or missing.
Don't get me wrong that is not necessarily what is happening. She may just be a SAM like I am and some others on here. Strong, Opinionated, Willful Women who are NOT by nature Submissive but have found that one person they can respect, love and honor enough to call Master. That doesn't mean we are going to be easy for them to control, our very natures may buck that control at every point.
Ages and Ages ago Walter Farley wrote a book (he was in High School it was published when he was in college) called the Black Stallion (yes it was a movie as well). It is the story of a Full Grown, Wild Arabian Stallion that has been stolen, has killed a man, and escapes/survives the sinking of the ship he is on along with a young boy who was traveling alone. For nineteen days they must survive in that desolate place, and in this time a strong bond is formed between the boy and the wild Arab horse. So why do I bring this up? Neither Horse nor Boy could speak to each other save through actions. Punishment wasn't going to break a wild spirit, and one would not normally think of a young boy 12 or 13 years old as a Master or Dominant, yet he was strong enough to tame and safely ride what no one else had been able to. We who are SAMS are often categorized as brats, misbehaving and challenging because we want to. A lot of times we don't, it is our nature and while we can change a lot about ourselves, can we ever really change who we are at the core? But the very things that make us who we are is also what attracts you to us, that fiery never say die spirit and will that bows only to one person and not out of fear, or inner need to submit, but because it is right between us. I prefer to think of us not as Smart Ass Masochist, but as Smart Asset Masochists. With the right person, the right Master, we are indeed an Asset and that includes our brains.
My suggestion to you DW is step back, drop the control issues until you discover what it is you both REALLY want and expect of each other. Then begin to work towards that one strand at a time. Don't try to do it all at one time, but choose an area and work on that. As she gives up a control you take it from her. It's kinda like exercising at a gym. If you have been a couch potato you don't just walk in and do all of the machines and max weights on your first day. You take it one machine at a time, adding a new one every couple of days and adding a little more weight/more reps/more time each time until you build up your stamina and muscles. Try to do it all at once and you are likely to spend a lot more time recovering than training. Same happens in relationships, especially DS..try to take on too much too fast when you should be learning each other as WELL as what you also need and it is far too easy for it all to fall apart.
The other suggestion is..if you both work, that first hour home, is free time. Respectful time, but a chance to relax and get off minds what is fresh from the days trenches, deal with bills, medical discussions, or just plain relaxing. Everyone needs a chance to shift gears, and if you are coming in after a hard day of supervising and dealing with people you need a chance to shift gears or it is way too easy to respond from the Work Mentality instead of the Relationship one.
Good luck
poenkitten
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