Marriage is like a box of chocolates

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Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 2:23:48 AM

Aneirin

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I went to a wedding this weekend, the first since my last, which was my own and there listened to all readings of all the things each party are supposed to do and be for each other. It was there that I realised all the 'bumf' is with many, just that, words that each agrees with, but so quickly forgets, or is it we don't actually hear them? I am not talking infidelity and violence here, but the simple things like allowing another to grow and change within the marriage. It was with thinking that with myself, that was the reason for the end, our failure to allow and accept the changes within each other.I was throughout my marriage, open minded, but secretive, thoughts I knew alien to my other half I kept to myself and there the rot set in. My other half, what was promised in the early years never came to be, the box of chocolates. The wedding ceremony this past weekend, really I wished I hadn't have been there, but it did brutally heal some wounds. So, it is with marriage now, I am slighly jaded, cynical even, I know it does work for some, that some have something great and my best wishes to them, but me, wounds from the past have given me rigid rules not to be broken and it is with this, anything that I sense moves beyond a friendly relationship, I am in iffy ground, here nature is kept in rigid control.

Anyone else feel that a past marriage experience has left them damaged as to the possibilities of future happiness?

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Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 4:12:09 AM

meatcleaver

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My marriage put me on course for future happiness. I get on better with my ex now than I ever did, mind you, we live in different countries. Actually it was an encounter with a woman during the break up of my marriage that set me on course for future happiness. My wife was fine, we just decided we wanted different things from life so split amicably and are still good friends, but this woman I met was a queen bitch and a very convincing liar to boot. That made me realize a bachelor life was for me and women are just there to fuck and have a good time with and there are enough women who just want that, believe me. I love living on my own, being my own boss and not having to answer to anyone if I disappear for a few days, that makes it all the better when I do have a lady friend stay with me for a few nights. A man doesn't need to live with a woman to be happy, I have mates to talk to and women to have sex with, what else would I want, someone at home wondering where I am and what I'm doing? Been there, no thanks, never again.

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 4:29:12 AM

MadAxeman

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We all are (or should) be informed by previous relationships, even if only to make our favourite mistakes a bit earlier and know when it's turned to shit.

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 5:31:27 AM

Irishknight

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That which does not kill me makes me stronger. We are all shaped by past experiences and past relationships. My own failed attempt at marriage made me better able to cope with the challenges of this one. It took me through a long path of self abuse, alcohol abuse and years of living on hate and anger to learn the lessons it taught. I made it and am stronger for it.

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 5:35:57 AM

kittinSol

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quote:

Aneirin

Marriage is like a box of chocolates.

Life isn't a bunch of cherries

.

< Message edited by kittinSol -- 9/29/2008 5:47:44 AM >

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 5:59:00 AM

DesFIP

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I would think that if you really learned what you did wrong in past relationships, and learned how to change that behavioral pattern, then you would be more likely to be successful in the future.

Edison failed a thousand times to invent a workable light bulb. If he had concluded it was impossible, we might still be sitting in the dark. Use your past mistakes as learning experiences. And there's never anything wrong with getting professional help so you can learn faster and better.

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 5:59:10 AM

Aneirin

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The wedding reception however was a whole different kettle of fish, what with Chinese, Indian and Thai in the family, all of them involved in arts and media, it was an enjoyous and memorable event.

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Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 6:37:36 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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my bad divorce left me hurt and emotionally damaged. i didn't want to be bothered with attending other people's weddings/receptions thinking my presence would turn the happy occasion into a sourful downer. i did attend one (as my mother's guest) which i felt so out of place. i was jealous that i didn't get to have the white wedding of my dreams - having it at city hall on a Mexican holiday wasn't no picnic either. however that's behind me now. i've moved on and looking forward to bright, happy future with someone special in my life now. who knows - maybe i'll get that white wedding....

< Message edited by sambamanslilgirl -- 9/29/2008 6:38:48 AM >

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 7:05:38 AM

christine1

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i was very cynical after my divorce. i was in a bad 14 year marriage for about 12 years too long. it's easy to lay blame on the other one, but it does take two to tango and i had my faults and foibles right along with my ex. we get along better now than when we were married, but we aren't friends, we're 2 people who love the kids we made together and that will always be something of a bond.

it's easy to look back and say never again but i don't want that. i do want marriage again in my life, i've grown up a lot since i was 19, i can recognize things that i should have done differently. i know where i want my life to go now, what kind of person i need and want...all these things make a difference.

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 8:17:50 AM

CalifChick

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin
Anyone else feel that a past marriage experience has left them damaged as to the possibilities of future happiness?

No, it's taught me alot about myself and what I need, what I can tolerate and what I cannot. It's not marriage itself that was the problem, it was us, so I'm not going to blame "marriage."

Cali

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(in reply to Aneirin)

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 8:32:49 AM

meatcleaver

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

The wedding reception however was a whole different kettle of fish, what with Chinese, Indian and Thai in the family, all of them involved in arts and media, it was an enjoyous and memorable event.

I always find the parties at funerals are far better than wedding receptions which tend to be rather formal affairs at first until the drinks get flowing because everyone is aware its someone's big day! At funerals, you're celebrating a life and you are reminded life is finite and you tend to meet old friends you haven't seen for years. I've had a couple of torrid affairs with old flames after meeting at mutual friend's funerals.

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There are fascists who consider themselves humanitarians, like cannibals on a health kick, eating only vegetarians.

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 10:00:02 AM

kittinSol

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quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

I've had a couple of torrid affairs with old flames after meeting at mutual friend's funerals.

Woah! A true life Harold :-) .

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 10:06:22 AM

Boundandkneeling

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Marriage is the best way to ruin a perfectly good relationship.

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 10:31:19 AM

AMaster

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As someone who has been married twice I can tell you marriage is like a snake pit.

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 10:36:21 AM

kdsub

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I enjoyed marriage...of course parting was not a lot of fun...but I quickly got over that...twice...

I can't think of anyone I've ever known to have had the "Perfect" marriage. In fact only a few have even had a good marriage.

If not always marriage there is a need to have companionship in life..it is basic in our nature I think. Most of us will go through life continually seeking that companion...but only a few will find THE one.

Butch

< Message edited by kdsub -- 9/29/2008 10:37:02 AM >

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 10:51:13 AM

RCdc

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It is a cop out and a lack of responsibility that brings people to blame marriages on the failiure of relationships.
It's people who suck at relationships, but they blame other things.

Would I marry again? I never say never. Does it damage people? People damage themselves, marriage doesn't unless a person allows it to. I learnt from my marriage, just as I do with any relationship or experience.

the.dark.

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 12:05:20 PM

Aneirin

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From: Tamaris
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Yes, I have learned from my marriage also. I have gone through all the blame stuff, it was her, it was me etc, but have now arrived at the conclusion, it was both of us, we both failed each other.What have I learned, well the biggest thing I have learned, is to be myself, not anyone that another wants me to be. My ex, she has admitted, she has learned not to seek to change a partner to how she wants them to be.

The future, well, the future is the future, the great unknown and who knows what might happen, but if I go there again with the marriage thing, well, whoever is unfortunate enough to get me, will have to accept I am myself and will always be, like it or lump it.

_____________________________

Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

(in reply to RCdc)

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 12:17:02 PM

kdsub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

Yes, I have learned from my marriage also. I have gone through all the blame stuff, it was her, it was me etc, but have now arrived at the conclusion, it was both of us, we both failed each other.What have I learned, well the biggest thing I have learned, is to be myself, not anyone that another wants me to be. My ex, she has admitted, she has learned not to seek to change a partner to how she wants them to be.

The future, well, the future is the future, the great unknown and who knows what might happen, but if I go there again with the marriage thing, well, whoever is unfortunate enough to get me, will have to accept I am myself and will always be, like it or lump it.

A wise course of action... they should add your last sentence, or at least its gist, to every marriage ceremony.

(in reply to Aneirin)

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 12:43:14 PM

PrincessJ77

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I had married my best friend. We had our differences and grew apart. In the last week or so we sat down calmly and talked. No kissing or hand holding or sadistic innuendos. A simple conversation, not heated debate. We decided to give 'us' another chance. No play parties or public dungeons. Just two people who care about each other and want to work things out.

(in reply to kdsub)

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RE: Marriage is like a box of chocolates - 9/29/2008 12:47:29 PM

TreasureKY

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Everyone talks as if marriage is some mystical bonding... it's no wonder so many have been soured by bad experiences. At its core, marriage is a partnership... nothing more, nothing less. It is a very important partnership and intended to be lifelong, so choosing a partner should be one of the most serious decisions of your life. The ceremony itself, no matter what flavor you have, is meant to signify just how serious a matter it is... in addition to being a celebration. Problem is, I've seen far too many people take more time agonizing over what car to buy than who to marry.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not excluding myself from my condemnation. I've chosen very poorly in the past, myself.

Of course, marriage isn't necessary for people to form a serious and lasting partnership... Firm and I aren't married and I'm not sure we ever will be. But entering into marriage does publicly display the commitment two people have made to each other and their partnership. Legal protections are extended to people who have entered into marriage because it is assumed that in doing so, they've carefully weighed the value of their partnership and have committed to seeing it last a lifetime. The very real and tangible products of the marriage partnership make separation a difficult and painful process... and it is these assets that the legal recognition is meant to benefit. Unfortunately, people have developed the idea that marriage is a milestone in life and in the rush to grow up and reach our goals, some of us forgot to treat it with the same care and consideration that we would a life and death decision.

(in reply to kdsub)

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