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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Can you really be both? (9/29/2008 2:53:09 PM)
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My situation may be becoming more unique, since the way people come into BDSM has changed even since I started getting involved with the community 25 years ago (I've only been actively participating myself for 10 years, but I've provided pastoral care to the community for over 25). Not that either way is better or worse, but I know that this particular experience was valuable to me in many ways, and there aren't as many opportunities to -have- the experience these days, since it has sort of fallen 'out of favor'.
When I came in, everyone who came into our House came in the same way -- male, female, top, bottom, dominant, submissive... everyone came in through the 'service and experience' door. I was not the world's best servant -- I was willful, stubborn, occasionally argumentative... I did, however, take a damned good beating and -loved- vampire glove and needle play like you wouldn't believe. Not unusual in someone who has looked -forward- to watching techs draw blood or give an injection since I was little, and who loves being pierced and tattooed. We discovered that, while I was capable of service if I felt called for my own reasons, I was simply -not- good at it when ordered to it. Frankly, I wasn't all that keen on being ordered to -anything-... my whole life's history has been one of bucking the system and figuring out how to get around things I'd been commanded to do. *lol* However, I -did- value the people that I was dealing with, which is why I accepted the requirement when I entered the House... and to be honest, I did my best. It wasn't good, but it -was- the best I could manage.
I think everyone but me knew that I was getting my crop and manumission before I did. I'd almost become resigned to service. I'd made a promise, and it just isn't in me to break my word once someone has gotten me to actually commit and -give- it (I even had an 'escape' clause in my marriage vows... they were written "for as long as love may last", instead of "until death does you part", because I refused to promise something that I couldn't guarantee for the rest of my life.) But I -did- promise to serve the House faithfully until the point where I had been deemed suited to carry the crop of a Keeper -- something entirely at the discretion of the ones who were -my- Keepers during my "apprenticeship".
I learned some truly valuable lessons about myself and about the choices I was making even when it seemed that there was no choice to make. I think these choices were so apparent to me because there was such a distinct line between what I -wanted- most days, and what I had sworn an oath to do. I learned that, no matter how much you want something, having it can sometimes be a huge burden, and that accepting the burden makes the bounty that much more sweet.
Once I'd been raised up and had accepted my crop, I found that the experiences had real benefits when dealing with servants as a domina in the household. I also realized that I am -not- a happy camper when life becomes too complacent and quiet. I am an intensity hound and chaos magnet -- and it works for me. Spending time in that apprenticeship stripped away many of the lies I told myself over the years. For that reason, I think I will always appreciate the opportunity to travel that very steep, rocky, painful road.
Calla Firestorm
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